To ask Aquarium to put a radar lock on the disabled toilet

[Worrysaboutalot]

We went to a large aquarium centre today for DC2’s birthday. It was very busy with many families enjoying the centre. We had a great day out

As I am in a wheelchair, I have no choice in which bathroom I can use, I had to use the disabled toilet.

I had to wait until a mother and a couple of younger kids came out of the disabled toilet which surprised me. As it looked unlikely that any of the younger kids would need nappies.

Then I went in this was a dedicated disabled (not accessible) toilet with no baby change facilities! I do understand that the first mother might have an invisible disability, as might her children. So thought no more on it.

All the time I was in, the door handle was being rattled and I kept calling out that the toilet was occupied, which was frustrating.
When I left and an impatient mother with a pram was waiting to go in. I told her that there was no nappy changing facilities in that toilet, assuming she wanting to change the baby. But she snapped at me that she was a mother and had to use this toilet gesturing to the pram.

I felt that this second mother was just entitled and rude. Having a pram doesn’t entitle you to use a disabled toilet. Use the end toilet in the women’s bathroom, with the door open and the pram in the toilet doorway, like everyone else does.

Years ago, I had 4 kids under 6yo at one stage and I never used the disability toilets, except for the baby changing ones for baby changing purposes.

Therefore, AIBU to have asked the aquarium centre to add a radar lock to the bathroom. AS this was the ONLY disabled toilet, and the baby change facilities were separate. To increase the likelihood of ringfencing these limited facilities for those who actually need them, rather than those people who want to use them.

What we need is more accessible toilets.

YABU

No way would I go to the toilet with the door open. I am a human being and my privacy and dignity actually matter, even if I have a pram. The fact I have a pram indicates that a baby recently exited my vagina. When this happened it made toileting a lot more difficult. I have to make sure my vagina and bum are properly clean. I can’t always hold a poo for long. I have regular upset stomachs from painkillers. It’s not always a quick wee. Why should I deal with this with the door open when I could deal with it in private?

Previous posters have said that parents didn’t campaign for these facilities so they aren’t for us. Nice. What am I meant to do whilst an aquarium, likely on the financial brink, build another accessible toilet just so it can have a different label on the door?

As I said, my dignity as a person is important so I’d be using the toilet that best suits my needs each and every time. If that’s entitled then so be it. I’ll tend to my ruined entitled arse in private thanks.

My pet hate is when there is a large pram accessible baby changing room that doesn't have a toilet as well. I change babies nappy but then if I need a wee (and my bladder isn't what it was!) I have to either use disabled or leave pram outside and try to hold baby on my lap while I have a wee (as well as often having a 4 year old to squeeze in to the cubicle as well.
Could be avoided with better planning/design

@54321nought

YABU because many people with disabilities can't get radar keys, and many people without disabilities can.

YA also BU for many other reasons, but for that one, certainly

I’m not sure what you mean by this, you can buy them for £5 on Amazon. There’s never been any qualification for them as far as I’m aware.

I bought one, because our favourite pub kept locking their only key in the loo with baby change. They were always glad to see me!

If disabled people cannot wait for one person to finish how will they have time to go find a staff member and get the radar key? Assuming they dont have their own. Surely by the time you leave the toilet and go get the key and come back the other person would be out.

Also just to echo others I'd never use the loo with the door open and I'd never leave baby in pram where I couldn't see them.

@LouNatics

But you do have a choice, you can choose to use a normal cubicle, shut the door and leave the baby outside for a minute, you can take the baby out of the pram and take them in the cubicle with you, you can ask someone else to watch the baby, you can ask someone else to watch the pram, you can choose not to use/take a pram with you. The same isn’t true of many people with disabilities. In many cases you are taking the only loo they are physically able to use, not the one that’s a bit less awkward.

You actually seriously think someone should leave their baby unattended whilst they use the toilet?

@Hercisback

I've realised my post isn't very kind, sorry. Her rudeness isn't acceptable and I hope you are feeling OK about the whole incident.

Thank you.

No, I am not feeling ok about it at all.

When I left the bathroom, I was polite to the mother standing there, as I had no idea if it was her or someone else rattling the door.

I take time in there, as I have an chronic bowel issues and my neuro condition means I have no feeling in my bowel/bladder. So I go to the bathroom on a two hourly schedule. I have far too many accidents already, if I can't get access to a bathroom, I can't visit there again.

This thread has shown me that many mothers don't care about people like me, who might have to cancel the visit all together and go home because we don't have any other options.

I am feeling worthless and hated. I can never go to the aquarium again without a deliciated toilet. Another thing to cross of our lists.

This year we had no holiday due to my illness. We can't go swimming or to the beach because of my chair.

We were hoping to have a few day trips instead. But where can I go where my kids will enjoy themselves and where there is a toilet I can use, which will not be used by queues of mothers?

My kids have had such a hard year, I have let them down in so many ways this year.

I can't even get to the local park as my chair can't get there over the gravel and stones.

What can I do?

@LouNatics

But you do have a choice, you can choose to use a normal cubicle, shut the door and leave the baby outside for a minute, you can take the baby out of the pram and take them in the cubicle with you, you can ask someone else to watch the baby, you can ask someone else to watch the pram, you can choose not to use/take a pram with you. The same isn’t true of many people with disabilities. In many cases you are taking the only loo they are physically able to use, not the one that’s a bit less awkward.

You think these are choices? Leave the baby / toddler outside? Leave them with a stranger? Really? Would you do that with your children?

I've done the cubicle door open thing before, as it was just for a quick pee in a quiet loo, but would much rather not. Thankfully my local shopping centre has quite good provision for family toilets so we tend to be able to manoeuvre in, but provision does need to be better.

You had me until you said this:

Use the end toilet in the women’s bathroom, with the door open and the pram in the toilet doorway, like everyone else does.

Really? Everyone is entitled to privacy. Instead of asking the aquarium to block access to the only facility that enables this, why not ask them to provide facilities that improve access for others who need it including mothers with prams etc.

welshlady they could have a stoma with a colostomy bag or tracheostomy like I did so need the disabled loo. Yes lots are probably chancers but ‘the look’ can be really upsetting to someone I know it was to me at the time.

And this is another change I’ve noticed on MN over the years.
Ten years ago, the majority would have agreed that toilets for the disabled were not to be used by random parents without a disability, just because it was more convenient.
Parents need to campaign, like they did for P&C parking, rather than grabbing services not for them.

You had no idea whether the person in the accessible toilets was disabled. It's not disability top trumps.

It would be pointless, entitled people buy radar keys on Amazon.

If parents get a family friendly toilet, following hard campaigning -- does that mean NO ONE ELSE CAN USE IT? Only for families? Nobody else? should they be able to buy a special family-key?

And In meantime, while parents campaign, until they get what they want (if they get the family friendly reserved toilets) -- what should they do about their toilet needs when in public?

I can't even get to the local park as my chair can't get there over the gravel and stones. What can I do?

Improving/protecting your access doesnt have to come at the expense of providing better facilities for others. Focus on asking for positive changes that widen access rather than those that narrow it.

I had a tiny premature baby who weighed too little to be safely in a baby carrier or sling for several weeks. I could not have managed holding her safely in my arms (post c section) while going to the loo, I needed a pram and no, I would not have left her unattended. I used disabled/accessible facilities a couple of times during that time. I know it wasnt ideal and I would never have been rude to you as someone was today but with a prolapse and some post natal continence issues (albeit temporary) I really needed to use those toilets.

I’m so sorry to see the ignorance you’ve received on this thread OP. You are valued and I hope you have many happy days out with your children.

Lesson to be learned for the majority of you: don’t trample on someone else’s only option! Being a parent isn’t a protected characteristic for a reason. That doesn’t negate the need for family friendly spaces, and I fully encourage and support you to demand improvements. HOWEVER it does mean you don’t get to abuse disabled facilities.

I went to a park recently (literally a place designed for children) where it was impossible to get a stroller into the toilets due to the layout of the doors, never mind a pram.

Luckily my kid can walk so I took them both into the cubicle and left the stroller. I then had to play tetris with us to get into the cubicle and shut the door. It took ages!!

I didn't use the accessible toilet but if I had, I'd have been out in seconds. Walk in, wee, wash hands and walk out.

OP YANBU I have many times either left the door ajar or taken the baby out and had them on my knee. I have never used a disabled toilet unless used as baby changing too. It is actually embarrassing how many people on this thread think YABU - disabled facilities are not there for abled bodied convenience.

Anybody can buy a radar key off the internet

What about those with children with ASD or Sensory Processing Disorder who can't cope with the hand dryers going off in the public toilets? Or even very little children without those who don't like the hand dryers?

I know parents who have to take their DC with them to the toilet on days out (single parents/took them alone and too young to be left outside etc) who use the disabled for the above reasons as otherwise the hand dryers can cause a meltdown.

So yes YABU you. When my now 7yo DD was a toddler she hated the dryers to the point she'd scream if she saw one, I'm a single parent, so until she grew out of it I'd go in the disabled toilet.

@LouNatics

But you do have a choice, you can choose to use a normal cubicle, shut the door and leave the baby outside for a minute, you can take the baby out of the pram and take them in the cubicle with you, you can ask someone else to watch the baby, you can ask someone else to watch the pram, you can choose not to use/take a pram with you. The same isn’t true of many people with disabilities. In many cases you are taking the only loo they are physically able to use, not the one that’s a bit less awkward.

Shut the door & leave the baby outside? No way would I ever do that; anyone could walk off with the pram. It's negligent. Ditto leaving the baby with a random stranger.

They are choices that you have. You might not choose them, you might not like them as choices, but you have them, and that’s the point.

Yes, I have given my baby to “strangers” to hold. Yes, I have held “strangers” babies and watched children for people for a second many times. Two days ago I helped an unknown to me toddler wash their hands as their parent was changing a sibling nappy. I’ve caught random kids falling off play equipment, I’ve retrieved crying toddlers from soft play and found their adult, I’ve worked in a setting where it’s really normal for parents to be distracted by the urgent needs of one child and been the spare pair of hands to hold the baby/distract the toddler/sit next to the child and reassure them.

I’ve been the person on the (non-accessible) bus dragging the kids and the shopping up the stairs and people have helped me out. It’s normal, or it should be.

It’s rather sad that all the stuff we campaigned for 30 years ago has lead to an increasing number of self-centred, solipsistic women who trample the disabled under their designer wheels.
The same ones that occupy wheelchair spaces on buses and shriek if someone uses a P&C space without a child.
Horrible women.