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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

201 replies

Batsy · 09/08/2021 10:29

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

OP posts:

Suprima · 09/08/2021 10:36

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

I too have a mixed group of friends, with great female and male friendships both. There is a certain vibe from someone who is desperate to announce that they get on so much better with the lads.

Men can tend to use these women as a bit of an ego boost, platonic friendship or not, and enjoy what looks like doing date-y things with them 1:1. Once they have gained a romantic relationship with a woman, there is no need for them to do this. Hence the ghosting. I have seen it happen many a time.

They want to use their energy for their partners- not meet you for coffee or lunch.

Marmitemarinaded · 09/08/2021 10:37

How old are you?

And I always chuckle at “I get on better with guys”

catstaff · 09/08/2021 10:37

OP, in the kindest way possible, this is what happens. Do you not have your own boyfriend / partner?

There is no such thing as “my friend group” or “my boys” or whatever you may think of them as. Nothing is fixed in stone. Life moves forward. People change. Priorities change. Yours will too, soon enough. Do you think your future husband will still want you hanging out one day a week with this guy?

Marmitemarinaded · 09/08/2021 10:38

And you’re assuming banned

Rather than they just don’t want to get together with you anymore

WorraLiberty · 09/08/2021 10:39

its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

Ahh I was waiting for you to blame the women and you didn't disappoint.

I knew it was going to happen after I read i get on with guys better than girls on the most part

If these men are really your friends, they'll make time to see you no matter who they're dating.

SheABitSpicyToday · 09/08/2021 10:41

Thankfully this has never been the case for me, some of my closest friends are men I went to school with and they’ve always made sure to introduce their girlfriends into the social group early on so there’s no reason for jealousy etc.

But just read loads of threads on here. Some women can not stand their husband even being int he same room as another woman let alone being friends with them! It’s sad really.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 09/08/2021 10:41

OP yes l agree ....have got 2 male friends in particular who have done this to me which reqlly annoyed me at the time but now l am older and wiser l understand it more and now l am happily married l don't see them nearly as much so it works both ways.
But we are all still good friends

Suprima · 09/08/2021 10:41

I also wouldn’t want to meet my partnered-up male friends for a cinema date/lunch/coffee/the pub 1:1 because I don’t crave that solo time with them. It also looks odd. I also have boundaries, and wouldn’t want my partner doing the same. Day dates are for my DP. I don’t need that with my male friends. We can all meet up as a big group and it’s good fun.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/08/2021 10:41

i get on with guys better than girls

There is your answer, its quite simple, You are not very welcoming to new females.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2021 10:42

This has never happened to me. I’ve got a group of male and female friends and have ended up good friends with the partners/wives of all my male friends. DH has also ended up becoming close to the male friends I had before we got together.

This might be because instead of getting into a territory marking exercise I’ve been respectful of their relationships and been welcoming and inclusive with friends partners.

Try it some time.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/08/2021 10:43

@AnneLovesGilbert

This might be because instead of getting into a territory marking exercise I’ve been respectful of their relationships and been welcoming and inclusive with friends partners.

Try it some time.

You said it much better than me!

catstaff · 09/08/2021 10:49

The “I get on with guys better than girls,” types are always the ones who tend to be “friend zoned,” I’m afraid. I remember these girls at uni. Then, when the male “BFFs” move on and get girlfriends, they are genuinely perplexed. But still they persist.

OP, don’t be one of these. Seriously, they stand out a mile. Let it go.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 09/08/2021 10:55

When my husband and I met he started going to the pub less with his mates and one in particular moaned about it to me every time we met. I'm not a pub person - I find the noise and crowds of people too overwhelming but I've never stopped my husband going to the pub or meeting his friends. He made the decision not to without any input from me one way or the other. It's entirely possible your friends and their new girlfriends are the same.
If you tell them you were here first all you'll do is push your friends further away.

Whyo · 09/08/2021 10:56

Did you post this with the hope we’d all tell you how intimidated the new girlfriends are by you?

I have two best guy friends. Best friends since childhood, ate lunch together every day in high school, in and out of each other’s houses type of best friends. When each of us gets a partner we naturally step back from one another. Firstly because we have a partner we now have less spare time - secondly because it very naturally feels the respectful thing to do.

And honestly? The “I get on better with guys” rampant pick me girls bore me to tears and I wouldn’t want to hang out with you as my boyfriend’s mate either.

SupermanWithTheGreyHair · 09/08/2021 10:59

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

This.

Original poster

Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:04

i'm 40+ and a divorcee with kids who's not long out of an abusive relationship, the friends are the ones who picked me up, made the effort to drag me out, helped me find who i am again, while protecting me from stupid/arsehole ExH who was harassing/stalking me for a long while afterwards... i am not interested in having a boyfriend/partner for a long long time after what he put me though.

Some of its to do with why we're all friends.. we're all racers/car enthusiasts.. happily up to our elbows in an engine when we're not hanging around a coffee bar somewhere, or driving off to one of the tracks around the uk for a track day... and it isn't unsual in the group for us to visit each others homes individually... i get that hanging around in a car workshop isn't for everyone, but as one of only 2 women in the group, i DO make the effort to make partners/girlfriends welcome.

My issue is more about the closer friendships fading when girlfriends happen... and i do get the vibe from the current new girls that i'm somehow viewed as a problem as a single female friend.

I'd expect it from youngsters as its very playground politics, but we're all 30+

OP posts:

Original poster

Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:06

oh, sorry.. i forgot on mumsnet you're not allowed to have more male friends than females. nm.

OP posts:

Grenlei · 09/08/2021 11:07

Unfortunately, this is just how it goes.

When I was younger I had more male than female friends, mainly because there were far more men at my uni/ workplaces, and a lot of the women were the 'mean girl' type I had nothing in common with.

However what I realise in hindsight is that a lot of the guys were friends with me because they were attracted to me, that wasn't the only reason but it was part of it. Once they got a girlfriend they usually either a) didn't need me around as a friend anymore so let contact drift or b) told their new girlfriend that they used to fancy me, or that we'd drunkenly kissed once (years earlier) etc and hence the gf wanted to avoid me - and social situations I would be at - like the plague. I know that b) was true in at least 2 cases because my idiot friend told me. I was also always single when I was younger (I was waiting for 'the one') and that is always a concern to new girlfriends...they want to hang out with other couples, not with a singleton.

I don't really have male friends any more. It just ends up being too much hassle.

LolaSmiles · 09/08/2021 11:08

The "I get on better with guys" statement can be a little telling because a woman who says that typically is of the view they're not like the other girls.
However, I also understand what you mean about being ditched as soon as a new boyfriend/girlfriend is on the scene.

We'd rightly challenge a female friend for ditching her friends the second she gets a boyfriend because it's being a crappy friend, but if a male friend does the same we're expected to say "YABU he has a girlfriend now and she is more important and needs to be his priority". Given how many threads are full of people objecting to their partners or husbands having opposite sex friends, I think it says more about them than the friendships.

Original poster

Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:09

@Suprima

yes, but why? Would you say the same about your partnered up female friends? Or about your DP doing it with his male friends.

What does my sex have to do with friendships and spending time with each other?

And why would you even call it a 'day date'? its not a date in the slightest.. its spending time with friends.

OP posts:

TheGumption · 09/08/2021 11:11

I'd be wary of my partner spending time with a single woman. Particularly the "I just get along better with men" type. That's an alarm bell. I've never met a nice, friendly, easygoing woman that "just gets along better with men".

EmeraldShamrock · 09/08/2021 11:12

It happens with both men and women they're busy falling in love.

Whyo · 09/08/2021 11:14

You’re not as important to them as they are to you.

LolaSmiles · 09/08/2021 11:14

TheGumption
Why would you be wary of a partner spending time with a single woman?

I don't understand this because if you trust a partner then it doesn't matter what genitals his friends have, and if you don't trust a partner then that's a glaring relationship issue. Otherwise it's the illogical I trust my DP 100% but there's something about the woman I don't like aka 'I don't trust my partner but if he were to cheat then it would be because the nasty single woman made him do it and I'd blame her^.

PaddleBlue · 09/08/2021 11:14

What’s with all the bitchy comments about some women getting on better with men ? I tend to get on better with men, always have, though I also have some good female friends. I have solo meet ups with these male friends, all of which are happily partnered up. (They don’t all know each other so not much opportunity for group meets anyway) I haven’t experienced what OP has or what others describe though. It’s shit OP but not sure what you can do about it..

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