To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

[Batsy]

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

I think women who are able to maintain genuine male friendships ( ie not ones based around a common hobby or work- based dynamic) are very few and far between, to be honest. Even if there’s no sexual dynamic on either side, there’s nearly always some kind of “frisson,” if you can call it that. Or emotional dependency / ego boost / unconscious reciprocity. Can’t be doing with it.

I would never hang out with a man I wasn’t romantically interested in - eg. let’s go for coffee. Firstly, this would be highly disrespectful to my husband. Secondly, what is the actual point? It just gives off the wrong impression and could be inviting an awkward situation that there is no need to get into.

That’s not to say I don’t chat to men and get on very well with them in the context of various hobbies etc. I enjoy men’s company in group situations. But I don’t need anything from them and you do have to be very careful not to give off a misleading impression. Friendliness can be so easily misinterpreted. As for their wives / girlfriends - I couldn’t imagine being so presumptuous to think it had anything to do with me! As if I would expect to go for coffee with someone else’s partner / boyfriend / husband! I would cringe. Who actually thinks like this?

Why the SwimmyG?

Are women not allowed to be irritated by women who seem to think they're not like other women and then use endless stereotypes about women being baby obsessed, wedding chatting, gossipsy bitches who do girlie things to justify their position?

Maybe if the I get on with men best/I'm not like other women women spent more time engaging with 50% of the population, they'd quickly realise that there's a hell of a lot more to the diverse world of womanhood than being girlie and loving weddings (and many of us also manage to have friendships with men).

All th

I think you might find a more genuine friend in a woman.

I would never hang out with a man I wasn’t romantically interested in - eg. let’s go for coffee. Firstly, this would be highly disrespectful to my husband. Secondly, what is the actual point?

What do you mean, what is the point? I’d say most of my friends are women but I do have a close male friend who I met through work, though we haven’t worked together for a few years. I’ve met his wife quite a few times, I like her (he was married before we met, and since we met I’ve met and married DH) but just a few weeks ago I went out for dinner with just him. The “point” was to catch up with someone whose company I enjoy, same as if I went for dinner with a female friend.

But did you get picked?

Knittingupastorm - but in the case of someone you used to know through work, why would you not just go out with him and his wife and introduce them to your husband. Your lives have moved on, as you say.

I don’t think I’ve met any woman who goes out with someone else’s husband one-on-one.

#Batsy - have you had a chance to speak to any of your male friends to find out what's going on? Are their girlfriends banning them from your company?

I don’t think I’ve met any woman who goes out with someone else’s husband one-on-one.

I have a close male friend - we've been very close since school, lived together in a houseshare in our 20s, now work for the same (large) organisation. We're both married and I was best 'man' at his wedding. We sometimes meet up with our spouses and children, sometimes just us - I can't fathom why that would be weird?

I completely agree with you op, and it's really sad honestly. Why is ok for a guy to hang out with his male mates but not female? It's sexist and old fashioned. I have some close male friends and thankfully this has never been a massive problem.

@betweentheline

Knittingupastorm - but in the case of someone you used to know through work, why would you not just go out with him and his wife and introduce them to your husband. Your lives have moved on, as you say.

I don’t think I’ve met any woman who goes out with someone else’s husband one-on-one.

He has met DH several times. And DH and his wife have met. I don’t know, there was no particular reason we went alone. It didn’t really occur to me to invite DH just like it wouldn’t occur to me to invite him to dinner with my female friend.

“I think you might find a more genuine friend in a woman.”

Yes definitely. I agree with this. There is always a complex undercurrent with men. Of it’s not immediately apparent, it will become so at some point. Plus, once they get a girlfriend or wife, it’s totally obvious their attentions will change. If you’re still there, expecting your weekly coffee dates “because I knew him before her” or whatever, you inevitably end up looking like a demented desperado, to be fair. You just have to back off. Why would you want to put yourself in such a position anyway?

Knitting - sorry, that last post wasn’t to you personally!

I don’t know... I guess we’re all different but I wouldn’t go out with a man in my own (ex colleague or not) because I’d feel I was giving off a weird impression.

SwimmyG
There's a difference between someone outlining a situation where a woman was unpleasant and someone stating that they don't do friendships with women because women are bitchy and men are easier.

It's worth being aware that labelling women in the way you and others have is largely viewed negatively. That's why those sorts of comments have been challenged throughout the thread, and why people have questioned the OP.

Challenging lazy stereotyping of women isn't a slagging match but I'm happy to end the discussion with you if it feels that way.

@betweentheline maybe it’s because he was married when I met him, but giving off the wrong impression has really never crossed my mind because it has always been completely platonic. And I get along well with his wife, and as a complete coincidence I moved into a new job in the same company as her sister (I didn’t know this until I asked him for a reference) so I know and get along with her too. It’s just that my main friendship is with him.

This thread has changed my life! I was single for years and years (I just got married aged 34) and just did get on with lots of the men I worked with. I wouldn't say I liked them better than women but I've just had some close male friends. I wasn't 'needy' or 'in need of their protection' - we just got on.

Anyway, what I learnt is that married women HATE single women. A woman I worked with who was a friend yelled at me once because her husband drove me to the garage to get my car. He hasn't told her where he was going which pissed her off...

Anyway, I always thought I was being paranoid about married women hating single women. It turns out I wasn't.

This happened to me. I used to tell every boyfriend that I had male friends and I would not drop them. The male friends didn’t do the same for me sadly. The thing is though, I’m now married and have kids. I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing things with my male friends on my own now just because of how it might look. So it’s just part of my life that’s changed I guess.

You know, if you give off that you think women are only interested in ‘chit-chat, gossip and girlie things’ then are ‘horrible and bitchy’ it’s no wonder you can’t make friends with them.

This kind of stereotyping (women are complicated, shallow and bitchy, men are simple and easy to get on with) is so harmful. If you genuinely believe this then you're being utterly complicit in tearing down women - there are obviously women out there who aren't like this as you don't think you are! But regardless I don't think women are missing out on you in their friendship group.

That's funny, @Mazblue86, because I'm married and my two closest female friends are single. So no hate from me!

I wasn’t implying you hate other women. I was explaining that it’s these type of stereotypes and behaviours that lead to women being squashed down and stereotyped. It’s often done of ignorance and not hatred.

Apologies if it has upset you/angered you. I was just trying to explain that it isn’t helpful to suggest women are one way/men are the other.

@Maireas bravo! I'm still waiting for the hatred to set in 😀

I hope it never does, @Mazblue86!
Life's too short