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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

201 replies

Batsy · 09/08/2021 10:29

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

OP posts:

Royalbloo · 09/08/2021 12:23

When they have started relationships we still meet up for lunches, coffee etc. With their new girlfriend.

OhWhyNot · 09/08/2021 12:25

The friendship seems to mean more to you than them

They are not that into you (as a friend)

It’s not that difficult to work out

ChunkySloth · 09/08/2021 12:31

@PaddleBlue

What’s with all the bitchy comments about some women getting on better with men ?

I tend to get on better with men, always have, though I also have some good female friends. I have solo meet ups with these male friends, all of which are happily partnered up. (They don’t all know each other so not much opportunity for group meets anyway) I haven’t experienced what OP has or what others describe though. It’s shit OP but not sure what you can do about it..

The I get on better with men type are usually the type that sit all over their male friends laps, stroking their hair and doing all kinds of other inappropriate bollocks, wide eyed innocently, of course.

BunnyBerries · 09/08/2021 12:35

OP you said,
"but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single..."

That's a very specific person you're talking about, who has a full free weekday and who also doesn't want to see their girlfriend during the week.
How do you keep up with what this guy does during the week, are you sure he is never with her? Are you texting him almost daily? Perhaps they are coffee-ing together and don't want to hurt your feelings or he doesn't want to text you as much at the weekend while he is with her.

cookiecreampie · 09/08/2021 12:38

People's priorities in life change.

Maireas · 09/08/2021 12:44

Have you spoken to your male friends about why this is happening?
Do they say that the new girlfriend has banned them from your company on the grounds of jealousy?

Steakandcheeseplease · 09/08/2021 12:48

Its because your female presence isn't needed anymore. Honestly some single blokes like hanging out with single females because they like female company or feel like they need to rescue them. Now they have real GF they don't need to spend time with you because they are filling that need else where.

No point in getting bitter and blaming their new GF. You yourself said you prefer male company to females, they just prefer their GF company to yours - which is natural in relationships.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/08/2021 12:51

@lilmishap

I read your post differently OP, it sounds like you're pissed off with the men which I get.

I think the replies are probably proving the point you didn't make about how Women are towards other Women.

It is likely that GFs don't want to spend time around racing/engines etc. If you read MN you will see that A LOT of women view his 'hobby' as a PITA or something he should give up if he actually cares unless it's something they both enjoy.
I don't think it's any more complicated than that

Well Done MN though, whenever I think I'm getting over the idea that Women hate me for not being at all Womanly/Girly etc you always prove me right while denying that you have any issue with less than Feminine Women.

Where's the 'Get over yourselves' emoji?

It's interesting that you equate "having female friends" with "being feminine".

What utter bullshit. I'm not stereotypically 'feminine' in the slightest. And nor are most of my female friends.

Bellarime · 09/08/2021 13:02

Friendships cooling when a new relationship arrives is as old as the hills. Why do you think it would be any different with my mixed sex friendships OP? Do you believe a female friend means more to a man than a male friend would?

Rudeppl · 09/08/2021 13:06

Maybe you just have a rubbish personality?

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 13:12

For those who say they ‘just get on better with men’ what is it you get from relationships with men that you don’t with women?

In my experience those who only get on with male friends, it’s because they are insecure. They want to be the only female in the friend group and can’t cope with feeling there is ‘competition.’ Of course this doesn’t apply to people who just happen to have male friends, but to straight up say ‘I get on better with men.’ How can you think you prefer all men to all women? You are a woman. There are lots of other women. You will like some, and dislike some, like all people.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 13:16

And having female friends isn’t at all connected with being hyper feminine, or ‘girly’ as a pp said. My friends don’t combust if we aren’t curling each other’s hair and applying makeup while in our babydoll dresses with Love Island playing in the background. That’s a very immature view on female friendships. Me and my friends go for coffee, chat about books and current events, go to the cinema and used to do park run together. Much the same as you and your male friends.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/08/2021 13:18

Tbf to the OP, we all know from MN quite a number of women ban the friendships or at least make it proper uncomfortable. I eill never forget the widow thread....

tellmetologoffIamaMNaddict · 09/08/2021 13:19

Wow. Harsh replies. I have found the same, Op. It's really annoying. It isn't that the girlfriends are intimidated because the male friend never even gets round to introducing us. Like he assumes there will be a problem for some reason.

Suprima · 09/08/2021 13:27

AIBU to be totally fine with my partner going out for coffee with his secretary once a week?

AIBU to let my partner watch a DVD with single woman from tennis club at her house?

AIBU to think that my DH and the next door neighbour can have a mini break at Goodwood together in a room with 2 single beds?
He says it is cheaper!

AIBU to support my husband cycling to Paris with the new girl at his cycling club- she hasn’t done it before and he would really be helping her!

ChunkySloth · 09/08/2021 13:28

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Tbf to the OP, we all know from MN quite a number of women ban the friendships or at least make it proper uncomfortable. I eill never forget the widow thread....

What happened on that one?

Lizzie523 · 09/08/2021 13:29

@Steakandcheeseplease

No point in getting bitter and blaming their new GF. You yourself said you prefer male company to females, they just prefer their GF company to yours - which is natural in relationships.

I agree with this, it seems as though this is happening with men where you fulfil a female presence rather than being appreciated for who you are as a unique person.

And yes, it has happened to me a number of times. One guy in particular myself and another female friend were really close with, went on some great trips together, all platonic. As soon as he got a girlfriend neither of us heard from him again. That was give years ago and I'm still sad about it.

On the other hand, I have another male friend who has remained a steady friend throughout his relationships and I have become friends with his partner too. It all depends on the person but yes, I totally empathise with how hard it can be.

SweatyBetty20 · 09/08/2021 13:32

Bit harsh. I have male friends who I go climbing, mountaineering, fell racing, cycling with. Only one of my mates is into the same thing as me - the rest are mums, don’t have much spare time, prefer shopping, films etc. I love them but we don’t have a huge amount in common as our lives have moved on. My boyfriend doesn’t bat an eyelid if the only belay partners at the climbing wall are guys, (he doesn’t climb), and he’s just spent Sunday at a field archery event with a woman from his club - following him round a field archery course isn’t my idea of fun. I’ve only been seeing him a year and my outdoorsy friendships predate our relationship by decades.

OP - it’s probably them, not you. Have you tried looking around to widen your friendships of both genders who have an interest in the sport? Or setting up a Facebook page? I’m in women’s groups for cycling, walking and climbing, and they are great for organising meet-ups and making new connections.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/08/2021 13:34

@ChunkySloth woman was widowed and apparently it was no longer acceptable to be good buddy with her male friends as she was now essentially single. Like they wrnt to a cinema together, which became a no since she was "available"... Really fucking sad.

PeoplePleasingWayTooMuch · 09/08/2021 13:37

To the people asking about how anyone can say they 'get on better with men'... I don't think it's that awful a claim?!

In the past for me it has been mostly humour. i.e. I get on better with my partner's male friends and feel more comfortable around them, because my sense of humour is more similar to theirs and we laugh a lot and make a lot of jokes, I make them laugh and they make me laugh. I like my partner's friends' girlfriends a lot, they're lovely... but I don't naturally have as much fun with them when we meet up just us girlfriends because I have less in common with them and the conversation is different.

And this pattern is often repeated.

I don't think that's such a heinous terrible thing to say? I have lots of female friends too, my best friend is female but on AVERAGE, of all the men and women I have met, I have usually gelled a bit better with the guys as I have less in common with the women (i.e. not traditional so not into weddings, or engagements, not gonna have kids, etc.)

Obviously that's a generalisation and it's definitely not all men or all women - (and maybe I need to change who I'm meeting?!) but I think it is possible to on average have more in common with men than women without being some flirty inappropriate knob...

1forAll74 · 09/08/2021 13:40

I think that you maybe being a bit of a lone ranger here, as a lot of women now, seem to not be happy if their men folk.associate,or even chat to another woman. I have often seen in mentioned on here, and it always amazes me in these modern times, that this seems to be the case.

I say modern times, because I am an oldie, and my Late Husband used to mix and socialise with lots of women,in his job and sports things, etc. It all came with the territory, and I never minded anything at all.

catstaff · 09/08/2021 13:44

“Bit harsh. I have male friends who I go climbing, mountaineering, fell racing, cycling with.”

If you happen to do sports where there is a mix of male and female participants, this is totally different though. You just see them for a given activity and then you all go off and away to your separate lives and relationships. Totally normal.

What you are not doing is seeing them one-on-one for coffee on a regular basis. Leaning in them for emotional support. Claiming an insight into their personal lives. Not are you going through life with an attitude that “I prefer male friends to female,” or these are “my boys” or “I was there first” - this kind of nonsense.

Bellarime · 09/08/2021 13:48

My partner mixes with women a lot through cycling, will go on a ride with a female club member and have an end of ride pint. But he’d never arrange to meet up with them just for a pint at outside of that as that’s time invested in our relationship. We may go and meet his cycling friends together of course.

Bellarime · 09/08/2021 13:49

I think OP you need to unpick what these friendships actually represent to you.

Iwonder08 · 09/08/2021 13:50

Well, it is not the issue of trust(at least not with all of them), however you said yourself how they helped you with the divorce, protected from abusive ex etc.. I wouldn't want my husband to be a Knight in shining armour for a needy damsel in distress.
Also your 'get on better with men' has a bad vibe. My best friend is male, but your statement made me cringe. Why do you get on better with men? What is it about girls don't you like? Too girly for you? You see how off-putting it might be for the new partners.. Why would they want to socialise with you?

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