To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

[Batsy]

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

@SwimmyG wasn't wrong. Men talk about weight, hair etc without ending up upset and then having all the drama around it.

Just read MN, women are generally gossipy, bitchy and complicated... Gossip mags are aimed at women for a reason too. Can't argue with that. Sometimes I am all too🤷🏻

“Anyway, what I learnt is that married women HATE single women.”

Is that a fact?

I have no view on “women,” single or otherwise . Even when I was in my 20s and before I was married, I wouldn’t particularly want to go out solo with a man, unless I was potentially interested in him. You don’t want to lead someone on - it just gets too awkward and it’s more hassle than it’s worth.

With female friends it’s just easy as you never have to second-guess anything.

I remember one job I had in my late 20s where there was a group of us who all hit off really well and used to go out clubbing, etc. I was in a relationship at the time. I did convince myself we were all “just friends” and met for coffee individually with one or two of the men on occasions. Absolute disaster! Total nightmare frankly and never, never again.

Hi Samantha Brick

I think the answers pretty simple.
When people are single, they spend their free time/social time, with friends.
When they get into a relationship its natural they will want to spend it with their partner, especially when its new and exciting.
Of course there should be a balance, but often friend time becauses less or rare. Sometimes sadly none existent and in that case you've being used, by male or female, and the friendship meant nothing. I'm sure we have all been there at some point, or maybe even have being guilty of it.

[quote SchrodingersImmigrant]**@SwimmyG wasn't wrong. Men talk about weight, hair etc without ending up upset and then having all the drama around it.

Just read MN, women are generally gossipy, bitchy and complicated... Gossip mags are aimed at women for a reason too. Can't argue with that. Sometimes I am all too🤷🏻[/quote]
Where are all these dramatic women?
I’ve never come across any but then again I’m a ‘male-brained’ woman (as @SwimmyG claims to be). I’m also in a STEM field and have had very academic friends throughout my life so maybe that’s why.

The plain truth - OP was a filler. People have a quota for social interaction and what used to be filled by one on one chats with friends is now filled with a partner. That’s it.

There’s no point in lamenting or relying on friends. Everyone is replaceable. Just keep at it with that mentality.

I think you need to view these men as colleagues or associates rather than real friends op. I don't doubt that they are your friends, but you need some new ones, or even a boyfriend!

I totally get you, i've had at least 2 long term friendships with guys end because their partner told them to choose and obviously I wasn't the one shagging them at night so they didn't choose me. Those relationships ended quite quickly and both parties came back to me cap in hand to apologise for their bad behaviour.

I understand that your relationship comes first, but does it really make sense to completely cut your female friends out when you're in a relationship? Surely even in friend groups, relationship statuses change frequently enough that there are good mixes of singles and couples. Funny enough even the girls tended to drop their friends when they got into relationships and came right back when it ended. IT's the main reason I haven't really bothered with friends for years.

@Mazblue86

This thread has changed my life! I was single for years and years (I just got married aged 34) and just did get on with lots of the men I worked with. I wouldn't say I liked them better than women but I've just had some close male friends. I wasn't 'needy' or 'in need of their protection' - we just got on.

Anyway, what I learnt is that married women HATE single women. A woman I worked with who was a friend yelled at me once because her husband drove me to the garage to get my car. He hasn't told her where he was going which pissed her off...

Anyway, I always thought I was being paranoid about married women hating single women. It turns out I wasn't.

Eh? How on earth has this thread shown you that married women hate single women?

My friends are a mix of men and women, couples and single. I have male work friends And hobby friends I would meet one on one, same with my female friends. My DH is similar. The only people I don't like are the ones (male or female) who stereotype women as bitchy/girly/obsessed with weddings etc. I have no time for the cool girl who looks down on women, gets possessive over "her boys", and thinks that the fact she met him first makes her more important than anyone else in his life.

I am old enough to have seen this sort of thing happen in male/female friendships time and again. Men often use women as a convenient female placeholder in their lives. Once that place is filled with a girlfriend, they drop the female friend because there's nothing in it for them any more. Don't blame the girlfriend, blame the shitty man who chose to treat you like that.

My friends are a mix of men and women, couples and single. I have male work friends And hobby friends I would meet one on one, same with my female friends. My DH is similar. The only people I don't like are the ones (male or female) who stereotype women as bitchy/girly/obsessed with weddings etc
Same here.
I've been called a cool wife on here because I'm not bothered about DH having female friends, but that's because in my eyes friends are friends. Mixed sex friendships isn't a cool point topic in out home.

I can't stand it when some women seem to try very hard to emphasise how much guys get them, they're not like other women etc and then start sticking the boot into 50% of the population with stupid stereotypes that would come crumbling down if they spent more than a few minutes talking to a range of women.

Me too, @LolaSmiles. I must have been very lucky in my life to have many, many years of friendship with kind, intelligent, thoughtful and supportive women. I seem to have avoided the gossipy, bitchy, complicated women referred to above!

@Batsy

a lot of insecure women on here.. thats what more telling, not my 'i get on better with guys'

y'all, if you don't trust your partner, there is your problem, not with his female friends.

single does not equal trying to steal your man.

I have close longterm male friends, married and divorced, but what strikes me about your set-up is that it’s car-centric. If I started going out with someone whose entire friendship circle was based on a hobby I considered dull, I wouldn’t be rushing to spend time with these friends, of either sex.

I think this is just part of life. See also: male friend ditching female friend when she settles down with nice man. It’s almost as if the male friend has been keeping the female friend on ice just in case the opportunity arises for a shag.

I cannot see what the big deal is about you getting on better with men. You have a male-dominated hobby, so this is where you’ll find people with common interests. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re one of Those Women, whatever that means. Would be nice if mn could articulate what they mean instead of spraying vague derision at all women who claim to get on better with men than women. Sometimes women can be a total pain in a way that men aren’t (men of course are a pain in different ways, that perhaps you find more palatable).

Then again, there is the possibility that they’re using a major life change to do a bit of a reset. I am using my young baby as an excuse to slowly back away from friendships I find draining or unrewarding. It’s the least cruel way to ditch someone, more like gently putting them to one side whilst muttering ‘it’s not you it’s me’. I hope.

Also, why are people considering women to be the complicated and dramatic ones? If men were so simple and straightforward surely op could ask all her lovely friends why they are ghosting her and receive a straight reply.

I wouldn't say it was men, I would say it was your friendship circle.

I am trying to think through my friendships and while none of us has dumped each other as soon as a new partner came on the scene, we see less of each other as each of us has different life events.

But meet up once in a while and the friendship is where we left it off, (depending on life event)

Men talk about weight, hair etc without ending up upset and then having all the drama around it.

You have clearly never met a man.

I'm finding the replies on here very strange. Are you all only friends with the same sex and your partners the same?

You 'get on with guys better than girls'....try just...getting on with...humans? You are sending out an unfriendly vibe to their girlfriends. Who then don't want to socialise with you. Your friends then have less time as now in a couple, and pick up that their GFs don't feel welcomed by you. Try to be more open to people as people. Often, girls who 'get on with men far better' can be a bit catty and condescending to other women. Don't be that girl, OP......

eeek88
There's nothing wrong with having shared interests with men, or having male friends. That's not a red flag.

The red flag is when a woman makes a fuss about how they just get on better with guys or I don't really do friendships with women because:

• women are gossipy and I'm not like that
• women are bitchy and I'm not like that
• women are girly and I'm not like that
• women are all about weddings and I'm not like that
• women are all about babies and I'm not like that
• men are so much easier to deal with than women
• (insert other stupid stereotype about what women are like and how they are most definitely not like the other women here)

The women in the first camp manage to have largely conflict and drama free friendships with men and women. The second camp seem to be walking drama llamas stereotype 50% of the population to prove how unique they are and men get them. It's dull.

My issue is more about the closer friendships fading when girlfriends happen... and i do get the vibe from the current new girls that i'm somehow viewed as a problem as a single female friend

It’s sad but it may not all be down to jealousy. When people get coupled up they want to spend most of their free time together. That mid week coffee with you may have been replaced by taking her out for lunch, or getting to know her better. He might be pushing for it not her (she may not even know you used to meet him that day). If you’re all in your 30s/40s presumably many of the men are looking to settle down and have a family, so it’s not a string of casual girlfriends taking up their time but trying to find a life partner.

Good friends will come back eventually. Even if they marry and start a family, once the honeymoon’s over or they’re stressed out from childcare they’ll seek the company of their old friends more. Maybe not on a 1:1 if it’s a male/female friendship but in a group.

I had a lot of male friends before I settled with DH and most friendships fizzled out once I was married, unless DH was friends with them too. It didn’t feel right to meet men alone, if someone had seen us chatting together and gossiped people get the wrong idea and rumours spread.

DH has one close female friend he meets alone but she’s married and we meet up altogether too. He meets her alone because they share a friendship longer than our relationship and also because they have a shared hobby. I have no interest in that hobby or going for nightcaps or attending some of her events so I encourage DH to go. They also went on holiday together in a group when DC were little, as both her husband and I don’t share that hobby and had no wish to go. I think it’s good for DH to have female friends. It didn’t cross my mind they’d get up to anything on holiday, sharing the room of bunk beds with 4 other friends!

Can you focus more on befriending the women in the group? Especially the new ones who may feel awkward or not accepted. The more uncomfortable they feel the more likely they are to stand in the way of his hobby or feel suspicious of you!

DH often goes to group events where there are single females, but he tends to hang out with the men. I know most of the group well so if he took a female out for coffee alone one of the women would tell me! There are about 3 single women I’ve known almost as long as he has, who I wouldn’t mind him going for coffee/lunch with or crashing on their sofa; because I know them well and know they’re not DH’s type or the type to try and seduce him, even if they did both get blind drunk.

We have one male friend of 20+ years who goes off radar for 6 months when he gets a new partner. That’s normal isn’t it? He always comes back after the honeymoon period or in between relationships! Long ago, as students, I used to share this guy’s bed! We were never lovers just intimate friends. Nowadays I’d never do more than hug him. We still have deep conversations but not if he’s in a new relationship. He’s getting married soon so I’m making a big effort to befriend his wife to be (I’m delighted he’s tying the knot this time. Although it was sad losing the friendships I’d built with all his previous long term girlfriends). Befriending the new girlfriends is the best way to keep male friends in the group IME.

Make them feel unwelcome or jealous and many will try to keep their men away. And if it’s a serious relationship the men will surely prioritise her over their friends?

It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re one of Those Women, whatever that means.

Except OP is definitely one of those women. She told us so herself. In her very first post she says this:

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

• Possessiveness over the men? Check
• Thinks she deserves higher status than their partner? Check
• Convinced she could have them if she wanted them? Check

i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.

You're one of those.
Lol.
Good luck.

Gosh. I'm 37, so not much younger than the OP. I got engaged 15 years ago and married 11. It's a wonder I have anything to contribute to a "female only" conversation.

@Maireas

Me too, *@LolaSmiles*. I must have been very lucky in my life to have many, many years of friendship with kind, intelligent, thoughtful and supportive women. I seem to have avoided the gossipy, bitchy, complicated women referred to above!

This. ^

As for the poster saying women are gossipy and bitchy?! Bloody cheek. Speak for yourself.

Also, I have noticed that it's only women who seem to be annoyed when their MALE friend starts spending more time with his new girlfriend.

I have never heard a MAN say they are upset that their female friend is spending more time with her new boyfriend. PMSL, men wouldn't give a shit! It's only women who get all huffy about it.

The OP, and women like her, (who 'get on better with men than with women,') are the jealous and insecure ones; not the new girlfriends of their 'male friends...'

@Batsy Your male friend is spending more time with his new girlfriend than he is with you?! Seriously, WTF did you expect?

I have some sympathy for you OP as I'm involved with car clubs/motorsport. In a lot of cases, I am guessing the new girlfriends are simply not very interested in the car stuff so naturally the blokes will drift away for a bit. In my circle there are partners who get it and come along to things and others who don't engage with the car stuff and chaps come to things on their own. I have as many male friends as female friends in our group and for the most part we all get along fine. Other female friends of mine, outside the group at work for instance, don't get it really l and think it's a weird way to spend your weekends. My group is based around two seater sports cars so naturally appeals to couples with either no kids, older kids or singles so maybe slightly different to your circumstances as you've described.
However, I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of your posts or speculate about your motives - I think others have done a pretty good job of shooting you down in flames already.

Some people are just like this tbh... I actually find it's mostly women who do this IME.