Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

201 replies

Batsy · 09/08/2021 10:29

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised Angry

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 09/08/2021 11:17

By your own admission you say when your female friends get boyfriends they tend to join your group. The same thing is happening, your male friends join their girlfriend's friendship group.

Do you ever say to your female friends why have you bought BF along? Why aren't you out with his friends?

PaddleBlue · 09/08/2021 11:19

@TheGumption

I'd be wary of my partner spending time with a single woman. Particularly the "I just get along better with men" type. That's an alarm bell. I've never met a nice, friendly, easygoing woman that "just gets along better with men".
Surely you’d only be wary if part of you doesn’t trust your partner? If you do 100% trust them what have you got to be wary about? Maybe I’m not a nice, friendly, easygoing woman though Grin
LolaSmiles · 09/08/2021 11:19

PaddleBlue
It's not bitchy comments about women who get on with men, it's people pointing out that the sort of woman who says "I just get on better with guys" followed by drama about their girlfriends is usually a big red flag.

I'm a big supporter of opposite sex friendships. DH and I both have opposite sex friends. I still think the I'm not like other women... I always get on with men better... their girlfriends always have an issue with me attitude is a red flag.

Original poster
Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:20

@TheGumption i genuinely get on with everyone and will talk to anyone about anything.. just for whatever reason, i've never had close female friends, all my best friends have been male since infant school.

Its certainly not about 'i'm not like other girls' or thinking i'm better than they are at all.. just on balance, my close friends have been guys, and my friend groups have been heavily male orientated.

OP posts:
TheGumption · 09/08/2021 11:20

@LolaSmiles

TheGumption Why would you be wary of a partner spending time with a single woman?

I don't understand this because if you trust a partner then it doesn't matter what genitals his friends have, and if you don't trust a partner then that's a glaring relationship issue. Otherwise it's the illogical I trust my DP 100% but there's something about the woman I don't like aka 'I don't trust my partner but if he were to cheat then it would be because the nasty single woman made him do it and I'd blame her^.

Not something I've had to deal with, my husband doesn't have any needy female friends in need of male protection.. I would find it odd and he would too.
WorraLiberty · 09/08/2021 11:24

[quote Batsy]@TheGumption i genuinely get on with everyone and will talk to anyone about anything.. just for whatever reason, i've never had close female friends, all my best friends have been male since infant school.

Its certainly not about 'i'm not like other girls' or thinking i'm better than they are at all.. just on balance, my close friends have been guys, and my friend groups have been heavily male orientated.[/quote]
Then you can talk to your male friends about why they're 'disappearing', instead of automatically blaming their girlfriends, surely?

Some people blow their friends out when they become loved up but that's totally their own decision and not always driven by their new partners.

The onus here is on your friends to want to continue their relationships with you in exactly the same way as before.

I get that it's easier to blame the women because it means you don't have to consider that your friendship might mean more to you than it does to your friends.

Talk it out with them.

ConstantlySeekingHappiness · 09/08/2021 11:24

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends

I would find it disrespectful if my DP went to a female friends house to watch a dvd just the two of them.

It’s not a trust thing, it’s a respect thing.

PressuresOn · 09/08/2021 11:26

Sorry but there comes a time when friendships are not the priority and the relationship is the priority instead. It’s just how things progress naturally I wouldn’t take it personally, the whole ‘I was here first’ attitude is quite controlling and territorial. Good friends know when to take a step back

PaddleBlue · 09/08/2021 11:28

@LolaSmiles

PaddleBlue It's not bitchy comments about women who get on with men, it's people pointing out that the sort of woman who says "I just get on better with guys" followed by drama about their girlfriends is usually a big red flag.

I'm a big supporter of opposite sex friendships. DH and I both have opposite sex friends. I still think the I'm not like other women... I always get on with men better... their girlfriends always have an issue with me attitude is a red flag.

If there’s all kinds of drama going on too then fair enough, but the comments I was referring to was purely about women who say they’re better friends with men, that’s it.
TooWicked · 09/08/2021 11:28

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

Same.

Plus the assumption that the new girlfriends have banned these guys from seeing you.

Speaks volumes.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/08/2021 11:30

@Suprima

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

I too have a mixed group of friends, with great female and male friendships both. There is a certain vibe from someone who is desperate to announce that they get on so much better with the lads.

Men can tend to use these women as a bit of an ego boost, platonic friendship or not, and enjoy what looks like doing date-y things with them 1:1. Once they have gained a romantic relationship with a woman, there is no need for them to do this. Hence the ghosting. I have seen it happen many a time.

They want to use their energy for their partners- not meet you for coffee or lunch.

This is totally true.

Many men (not all, but many) use female friends as an ego boost until a girlfriend comes along. Quite often they may also be stringing those female friends along on the off chance they get to sleep with her someday. The minute they don't need her any more, the friendship is over.

And ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, is SUCH a telling phrase.

PaddleBlue · 09/08/2021 11:30

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends

I would find it disrespectful if my DP went to a female friends house to watch a dvd just the two of them.

It’s not a trust thing, it’s a respect thing.

I’ve been round to male friends houses and watched a DVD, why is it disrespectful to their partner?! It’s not like we’re cuddled up under a blanket, it’s been a film we both wanted to see and his girlfriend at time didn’t! I do get it if there’s a weird vibe between the two, or they’ve been intimate together, or he’s cheated before etc etc. But then that’s an issue in their relationship itself anyway.
Miseryl · 09/08/2021 11:32

How's that internalised misogyny working out for you OP? Maybe the answer is that men are flakey friends and female friends would be more reliable?

Original poster
Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:33

a lot of insecure women on here.. thats what more telling, not my 'i get on better with guys'

y'all, if you don't trust your partner, there is your problem, not with his female friends.

single does not equal trying to steal your man.

OP posts:
BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/08/2021 11:33

I'm all for mixed sex friendships btw, I have plenty of male friends myself. But I have seen this dynamic occur with a friendship between a single man and single woman too many times.

And I would never prioritise male friendships over female ones.

Original poster
Batsy · 09/08/2021 11:34

@Miseryl

How's that internalised misogyny working out for you OP? Maybe the answer is that men are flakey friends and female friends would be more reliable?
fine thanks.. quite a lot of replys on here are making it clear i'm not imagining it.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 09/08/2021 11:35

What does my sex have to do with friendships and spending time with each other?

It’s curious you ask that whilst proclaiming you getting in better with men , blame the women for the men’s behaviour and state you have always been unable to form good friendships with women. Can you see the irony?

Thr answer is clear. They don’t view you as a close friend. If they did, they’d not dump you. You’re a stop gap to hang with when they have time. I’m sorry if that’s blunt but it’s the truth

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/08/2021 11:36

Do you really think that these men are being prevented from seeing you, as opposed to choosing not to?

These are presumably grown men you're talking about? Just listen to yourself.

They've made their choice. It's upsetting for you that their choice has exposed the fact that what you thought was a genuine friendship was more about him getting his ego stroked, but I'd say that it's better you know.

This is something that men do with their female friends. The posters on here are all seeing the same things because we've seen it happen dozens of times before.

beastlyslumber · 09/08/2021 11:38

It's just how it goes. It's happened to me before, good friends slowly disappear when they meet women. I used to think it was because their new gf didn't like them having female friends, but now I think it's probably more that they didn't see the need for more than one close female in their life and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to stay friends. I think in some cases that they weren't really my friends but for some reason thought I was available to them if they wanted, and they liked that feeling. Quite a few former male friends ended the friendship by trying to kiss me/touch me/saying something extremely dodgy that made me realise that they were never really genuine friends in the first place. So, I'd say, just let them go and don't worry about it.

MiddleParking · 09/08/2021 11:38

“I get on with guys better than girls” is unpalatable in 20 year olds. In your forties it’s toe curling.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 11:39

You can’t ‘ban’ an adult from doing anything. These men are making a choice, and that’s prioritising their new girlfriend over a friend. I find some men also do this with male friends - so sometimes I’ll ask my DH why we never see John anymore and he’ll say ‘oh he’s got a new girlfriend I don’t see him as much now.’ That’s just how it is. Maybe you should try and widen your friendship circle a bit so you don’t feel yourself left behind.

BeenAsFarAsMercyAndGrand · 09/08/2021 11:40

I think it's probably more that they didn't see the need for more than one close female in their life and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to stay friends. I think in some cases that they weren't really my friends but for some reason thought I was available to them if they wanted, and they liked that feeling. Quite a few former male friends ended the friendship by trying to kiss me/touch me/saying something extremely dodgy that made me realise that they were never really genuine friends in the first place.

Yep, all of this.

I've also been there with male friends who turned out not to be actual friends.

Kanaloa · 09/08/2021 11:41

You could also try widening your friendship circle to include both male and female friends - I never understand women who ‘get on better with men.’ I mean, you’re a woman. There will be other women like you out there. Of course it’s fine to have male friends as well but I always think the key to life is a good mix of different types of people around you.

TooBigForMyBoots · 09/08/2021 11:45

Many men (not all, but many) use female friends as an ego boost until a girlfriend comes along. Quite often they may also be stringing those female friends along on the off chance they get to sleep with her someday. The minute they don't need her any more, the friendship is over.

This is what's happening @Batsy. Your male friends have dumped you, they are not being banned from seeing you.

Suprima · 09/08/2021 11:45

@Batsy

You are being hugely facetious by saying ‘it’s no different’- of course it is different. There is a potential for it to become something more, should both parties want it. I am a bisexual woman and there have been situations throughout my life (particularly when I was younger and things were a bit more free love Confused) where I have respectfully not had solo time or sleepovers with other bi or lesbian girlfriends when I am in a relationship, particularly if they are single. It’s boundaries, plain and simple- and part of being in a relationship.

I also think a straight man with an abundance of female friends (cough hangers-on) is a huge, huge red flag. They either have a white knight situation going on where they have saved them or big brother’d (not in an Orwellian sense) them, or they have shagged them. The women exist in their lives as an ego boost. There are exceptions, men in female dominated industries, or with very unique interests or personality types- but generally, they are not good news. My partner doesn’t have any female friends who he ‘does coffee’ with and I like that very much.

My female friendships, when we have 1:1 time, feed my soul. It’s immensely different than spending time with my male friends.

Life is busy, work is busy, everything is busy. I don’t crave the attention of my male friends in such a way that I would carve out solo time in my week for them. That is for my partner. Your male friends obviously feel the same way about their relationship. It’s definitely not because their girlfriends are jealous, possessive bitches.