To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

[Batsy]

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

@Suprima

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

I too have a mixed group of friends, with great female and male friendships both. There is a certain vibe from someone who is desperate to announce that they get on so much better with the lads.

Men can tend to use these women as a bit of an ego boost, platonic friendship or not, and enjoy what looks like doing date-y things with them 1:1. Once they have gained a romantic relationship with a woman, there is no need for them to do this. Hence the ghosting. I have seen it happen many a time.

They want to use their energy for their partners- not meet you for coffee or lunch.

Agree with this. It's all an ego boost. Been there, down that, got rid of that t-shirt.

IS it you these male friends are no longer allowed to see?

Or is it the hobby - thats a very male dominated hobby/interest, its also one that takes up time and money and tends not to go down well with women who are not interested in it, so the hobby gets knocked on the head, and the friendships that went along with it.

I don’t have this - a lot of stroppy single women announce that their male friends don’t see them any more once they’re coupled but I didn’t experience this. I think this shows the male friends just don’t feel the friendship as much as you perhaps thought they did.

My male friends introduced me to their girlfriends, asked me round for dinners when I was on my own, invited me on holidays with them as a couple ie staying if they rented a place for skiing or in Ibiza over the summer even when I was single and now I’m married, enthused about my DH. I am godmother to their children. I babysat their babies so they could get some respite, I supported their wives who in turn have supported me as only women can. The upside to my male friends is they have introduced me to amazing women who are now my friends….

So I think it might not be “male friends”.

Could be that you are the common denominator and it’s a good idea to examine why that might be.

It depends. I had one male friend who all but disappeared when he met his now fiancee. Listening to her his life was an empty friendless wasteland before he met her and certain events in his life were cleaned up to suit her tastes He also fell out with the friend of his that introduced them. But he always had a tendency to be self absorbed. His bubble just expanded to include her and they're self absorbed together.

Then again I know two male friends that didn't do that. It depends on the person really.

To you the women are just another girlfriend but their POV they have to invest in their new relationship, she could be the one! It's romantic. You should be pleased for them and happy in your own skin. You choose not to have a partner now and that's cool.

I've remained friends with my male friends after they've found partners. I wouldn't say that I get along with men more than women though.

I get a bad vibe from your post OP. I can't put my finger on it but you sound like a stroppy, entitled person that is irritated because she's no longer a priority. Get over yourself.

I'm not saying ALL men bla bla bla, but in MY experience men are pretty shite in maintaining relationships which are not fulfilling a major/primary/centre stage need any more.

Generally speaking it's the female half of a relationship which keeps family ties alive and kicking even on their partners side (Birthday cards, phone calls to mum, arranging family parties and dinners).

Lots of theories and navel gazing

Essentially - new relationships most people really want to spend time with that Person more than anyone else.

And when they do start to renege after honeymoon period - tend to narrow down friend to close friends / couple friends / and friends that their partner likes too.

And I’m afraid it would seem you and others - didn’t make the cut.

*I would find it disrespectful if my DP went to a female friends house to watch a dvd just the two of them.

It’s not a trust thing, it’s a respect thing.*

🥴 that sounds way more like an insecure control thing than any kind of respect

OP, you were an option to these particular guys eye, maybe not in your head, but definitely in theirs, been there & years down the line this has been admitted by my own male friends who had similar behaviour. So now they have a girlfriend, it feels wrong to them to keep up any effort fir a friendship, that t o them was never just about friendship, but playing sir Galahad, I the hope that you were vulnerable & that they might get a bite of the cherry too. They were never just friends

@Laiste

I'm not saying ALL men bla bla bla, but in MY experience men are pretty shite in maintaining relationships which are not fulfilling a major/primary/centre stage need any more.

Generally speaking it's the female half of a relationship which keeps family ties alive and kicking even on their partners side (Birthday cards, phone calls to mum, arranging family parties and dinners).

Completely agree

I've never really had male friends but I find the same thing happens regardless of gender. I see way less of my friends now they're with someone and having children etc.. just as they saw less of me when I got married.

I also think a straight man with an abundance of female friends (cough hangers-on) is a huge, huge red flag. They either have a white knight situation going on where they have saved them or big brother’d (not in an Orwellian sense) them, or they have shagged them. The women exist in their lives as an ego boost.

---

This is very true @Suprima

I was that girl in my teens but grew out of it. I'm still quiet but would like more female friends

My partner is the type with lots of female friends, all conveniently looking the exact same, his ideal "type". It causes a lot of problems. You're spot on about saviour complex or former shags, which all his were. For an insecure person, being surrounded by the opposite sex is great, but not healthy if that's what all you're friends are- esp. if they're all ones you're attracted too.

Eugh, worst thing is men playing it off as innocent. You have more in common with a group of ladies than other men as a straight man... right...

I also get on equally with men than women but you're not allowed to have a preference for men on here or you've got some ulterior motive. Or they have. I liked playing sports and hated traditional girls toys and toys when I was young and have always got on well with boys and men, I doubt I had an agenda when i was 5! I also have a lot of ASD traits and always have a 'male brain' in tests, and did male dominated subjects at uni etc.

However, my experience differs from yours in that now some of my best male friends' wives have become friends so I havent found what you have found. Maybe you dont have an agenda but they do.

It's either your friends wanted more from you and now they have got that relationship they dont need to keep trying any more, which is hurtful. Or they have jealous girlfriends who either correctly guessed that they had feelings for you, or they have a blanket ban on having female friends. I'm guessing the latter is less likely

@ConstantlySeekingHappiness

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends

I would find it disrespectful if my DP went to a female friends house to watch a dvd just the two of them.

It’s not a trust thing, it’s a respect thing.

This. I don't know anyone who would be happy for their OH to spend a day at another woman s house, cosyed up watching DVD's. Going out with a group to the cinema. Ok Going out as a group for a meal. Ok. But one on one time? No. That's just too coupley. With all the respect OP I think you're expecting too much.

I don’t gossip, engage in chit chat, like girlie things or any of the things females do in their friendships.

You do like to negatively stereotype women though, don't you?

Many men love gossiping and bitching. Many women don't. Many men hate football, many women love it. Men can be just as good at freezing someone out as women can.

If any of this is news to you, you haven't been paying attention to the people you meet as you go through the world.

I think generally men when they get into a relationship don’t bother maintaining friendships so much, male or female. When they’re not in relationships they do things more spontaneously ie go to pub or each other’s houses but when things need preplanning they let it slide.

I used to have a lot of make friends but I made a decision about 10 years ago not to invest in new friendships with men.

However, there are some women who do have an issue. One of my old friends was banned from seeing me by his ex gf I think I saw him twice in the 2 years he was going out with her (split up after he went home in middle of day to find her in bed with someone else!) but there are men who have issues with their wives and girlfriends having male friendships too.

It's just the way of the world op. I've been the single female divorcee with kids and out of respect to the partners of my male friends and acquaintances, I would never ever expect to do an activity on my own with them bar organising a surprise for their partner. Don't feel down about it, it's just a fact of life.

I don’t gossip, engage in chit chat, like girlie things or any of the things females do in their friendships. I don’t talk on the phone unless it’s necessary. It is easier to do the “wrong” thing in female friendships and not be able to fix it and then they’re just horrible and bitchy to you forever
Yet another I don't get on with other women because I'm not bitchy or girlie like those other women post.

What is it with not like those other women people who seem to love presenting the rest of us as bitchy, girlie, wedding and baby obsessed entities?

@LolaSmiles

I don’t gossip, engage in chit chat, like girlie things or any of the things females do in their friendships. I don’t talk on the phone unless it’s necessary. It is easier to do the “wrong” thing in female friendships and not be able to fix it and then they’re just horrible and bitchy to you forever Yet another I don't get on with other women because I'm not bitchy or girlie like those other women post.

What is it with not like those other women people who seem to love presenting the rest of us as bitchy, girlie, wedding and baby obsessed entities?

I blame rom coms (mostly written by men)

@LolaSmiles

I don’t gossip, engage in chit chat, like girlie things or any of the things females do in their friendships. I don’t talk on the phone unless it’s necessary. It is easier to do the “wrong” thing in female friendships and not be able to fix it and then they’re just horrible and bitchy to you forever Yet another I don't get on with other women because I'm not bitchy or girlie like those other women post.

What is it with not like those other women people who seem to love presenting the rest of us as bitchy, girlie, wedding and baby obsessed entities?

I can't remember the last time I chatted on the phone. Unless talking to the knowhow technician counts.
I'm amazed at the stereotyping of female behaviours.
Men are not above idle chit chat and gossip

It's possible to actively avoid stereotyping, and to reflect before speaking or writing to consider bias.