To be fed up of Male friends disappearing once they have new partners?

[Batsy]

Just that really.

I've always had a fairly mixed group of friends, but i get on with guys better than girls on the most part.. i've noticed that when female friends get new partners, they tend to join the group as a whole, but the guys don't, they just tend to end up ghosting us.

There are also a couple of guys that i was really close friends with (nothing funny, just friends), we'd go to each others houses, out to the pub, watch films together...etc.. and that also stops soon as they have girlfriends.

Now i get that partners want to spend time with each other, but when they only see their new girlfriend at weekends, and have all week free, including one whole day when they don't work, and we always used to meet for coffee when they were single... aibu to be ticked off that i'm suddenly 'persona non grata' for simply being single/female... its like they're suddenly banned from being in my presence unsupervised

i really feel like pointing out i was here/friends looooong before the girlfriend showed up.. if we'd wanted date/i'd been a threat we'd have been together already.

I started a thread about male/female friendships on the feminism board a couple of weeks ago...I got ripped to shreds

But my main point was that imo and from my own experience, a lot of men are not actually interested in platonic friendships with women. They are hedging their bets

@Batsy

a lot of insecure women on here.. thats what more telling, not my 'i get on better with guys'

y'all, if you don't trust your partner, there is your problem, not with his female friends.

single does not equal trying to steal your man.

“Single does not equal trying to steal you man”

Of course not, but you seem to have assumed that’s what these new girlfriends are thinking with your comments about not being a threat and them being banned from seeing you. Have any of these men or women done something to make you think it’s the women who are leading this? Maybe your male friends are making this decision themselves.

I've had several male friends be told by their new girlfriend that they ''aren't allowed to see me anymore '' but in fairness those partners had a problem with ANY friends and were possessive/ jealous by nature anyway.

So try not to take it personally.
If you friend want to remain friends he will.

But come on,we all know that's what happens when people get in relationships..you get together.. and see friends a bit less.

Some bitchy replies on here. While I agree that some women who “prefer men” are tiresome, OPs update explained why she gets on better with men. She genuinely shares an interest that most women don’t have - so her option is to do it with men or do it alone.
OP you’ll have to widen your circle of male friends and see them as a group rather than individuals. Many men seem to do this anyway, especially for hobbies. (Just as many women do). Then if one or two drop off the radar you’ll have back-up!

Op.

If you got into a new relationship would you priorotise your time with your new boyfriend or your male friends?

If the answer is the latter then your boyfriend won't be your boyfriend for long. Same as your friends they are prioritising their new girlfriend and so they should if they want it to go anywhere.

[quote Suprima]@Batsy

You are being hugely facetious by saying ‘it’s no different’- of course it is different. There is a potential for it to become something more, should both parties want it. I am a bisexual woman and there have been situations throughout my life (particularly when I was younger and things were a bit more free love ) where I have respectfully not had solo time or sleepovers with other bi or lesbian girlfriends when I am in a relationship, particularly if they are single. It’s boundaries, plain and simple- and part of being in a relationship.

I also think a straight man with an abundance of female friends (cough hangers-on) is a huge, huge red flag. They either have a white knight situation going on where they have saved them or big brother’d (not in an Orwellian sense) them, or they have shagged them. The women exist in their lives as an ego boost. There are exceptions, men in female dominated industries, or with very unique interests or personality types- but generally, they are not good news. My partner doesn’t have any female friends who he ‘does coffee’ with and I like that very much.

My female friendships, when we have 1:1 time, feed my soul. It’s immensely different than spending time with my male friends.

Life is busy, work is busy, everything is busy. I don’t crave the attention of my male friends in such a way that I would carve out solo time in my week for them. That is for my partner. Your male friends obviously feel the same way about their relationship. It’s definitely not because their girlfriends are jealous, possessive bitches.[/quote]
Have shagged them, or trying to shag them- I should have said.

But other posters have made that point well.

Some bitchy replies on here. While I agree that some women who “prefer men” are tiresome, OPs update explained why she gets on better with men. She genuinely shares an interest that most women don’t have - so her option is to do it with men or do it alone.

I do a male dominated sport, so have a lot of male friends that I've met through that. I would still never describe myself as preferring men to women, because it's a ridiculous thing to say.

I also don't accuse their girlfriends of being jealous bitches if those male friends get together with someone and decide to reduce contact with me or reduce the amount of time they spend on our shared sport.

Always find it funny with these threads that it's the friends new partner that's stopping them seeing their friends - and never that the friend has just decided to spend more time with their partner etc - they couldn't possibly make that decision themselves without their new girlfriends forcing them to🙄

Before DP and I met we both went out a lot more when single. Once we got together we naturally started spending a lot more time together, it's much better spending more time at home when you have a partner there to spend time with that you're comfortable with, it's not as lonely/boring, leading us to go out more.
We still make time for our friends and (pre baby) usually met up with our own friendship groups once a fortnight or once a month or so and also sometimes each others groups (where before the relationship this would be a few times a week).

It's just part of moving on with your life and settling down.

The fact you're turning it in to a drama and saying they're "not allowed" out and blaming their partners, makes me think that's the reason they're taking a step back from you.
As I said it's natural to spend more time with partners and less with friends. We still make time for our friends but if I got the feeling any of my friends were trying to blame my DP for me not going out as much anymore, when that isn't true at all, I would be taking a step back aswell.

Maybe you need to take another look at how you treat these women when you meet them and whether you mean it or not, it sounds like you give them quite a cold shoulder. Also look at the fact your male friends have the ability to make their own choices and don't need their girlfriends to do that for them

‘Bitchy replies’

The only bitchiness and misogyny, truly, is this thread. I don’t think it would have been started if OP’s male friends had started a new job, and were hanging out with their new office buddies- or got heavily into rock climbing so had less time for her. Or relocated.

This thread reminds me of a girl I went to Uni with.

She was completely territorial over her male friends. Would have them sleep over at her house in her bed, and vice versa, would meet up with them for drinks, go on holiday with them.

But her behaviour was so strange. Sitting on their knee in pubs, cuddling up to them, referring to them as her husband, etc. Very over the top and touchy. Didn’t behave like that with female friends.

When they got girlfriends her behaviour became worse. Practically dry humping them in front of their partners.

Naturally these relationships didn’t last as the women clearly couldn’t be arsed with this.

She constantly spoke about how insecure they must be and jealous of her, etc. That was, in her eyes, the problem. She felt entitled to behave like this because she was “friends with them for years”

It was just disrespectful pure and simple. And I don’t know any woman who would put up with such childish and territorial behaviour.

It was all very embarrassing.

She even tried it with a mutual Uni friend of ours (after a rumour circulated that we were an item, we weren’t). She met us in the pub in a large group and practically climbed over 4 people to sit next to him in a booth. Tickling and touching him and cuddling in.

It was a very interesting social experiment watching how she behaved as soon as she thought me and him were an item. She hadn’t done this previously.

Deranged.

*By your own admission you say when your female friends get boyfriends they tend to join your group. The same thing is happening, your male friends join their girlfriend's friendship group.

Do you ever say to your female friends why have you bought BF along? Why aren't you out with his friends?*

This is a logical explanation.

So .. on to blame all the random girlfriends..not your poor choice in mates

Not something I've had to deal with, my husband doesn't have any needy female friends in need of male protection..
Who mentioned anyone being needy?

Do you assume any single female friend must be needy?

[quote Batsy]@TheGumption i genuinely get on with everyone and will talk to anyone about anything.. just for whatever reason, i've never had close female friends, all my best friends have been male since infant school.

Its certainly not about 'i'm not like other girls' or thinking i'm better than they are at all.. just on balance, my close friends have been guys, and my friend groups have been heavily male orientated.[/quote]
I think you would have had a better time on the thread if you'd said this from the start, not that you "get on better with" guys. There's a difference between the way life friendships have worked out vs. assuming this is down to certain "qualities" of different genders which is what your OP implies

Regardless, yes, this is life. I'm sorry your friendships are not as close as they once were.

I read your post differently OP, it sounds like you're pissed off with the men which I get.

I think the replies are probably proving the point you didn't make about how Women are towards other Women.

It is likely that GFs don't want to spend time around racing/engines etc. If you read MN you will see that A LOT of women view his 'hobby' as a PITA or something he should give up if he actually cares unless it's something they both enjoy.
I don't think it's any more complicated than that

Well Done MN though, whenever I think I'm getting over the idea that Women hate me for not being at all Womanly/Girly etc you always prove me right while denying that you have any issue with less than Feminine Women.

Where's the 'Get over yourselves' emoji?

I've had male and female friends do this. I just figure they're loved up/excited at the new relationship and want to spend more time with their partner rather than friends.

lilmishap
I think there's an undertone of 'their girlfriends are making them ditch me' rather than 'my friends are being crappy friends by repeatedly prioritising their latest relationship'. That's what the OP is getting stick for.

It's crap when friends are flaky and ditch their friends the second they're dating someone. It doesn't matter whether the flaky friend is a man or a woman in my opinion. Placing the responsibility on a new girlfriend rather than the flaky friend is off.

I so agree with you about the shared hobby and and think a lot of posters on here are very quick to promote quite an unhealthy expectation in relationships where hobbies and friends are meant to be dropped in favour of mutual coupley friends and life at home. Some of the expectations I read on here make me think some people's worlds are very small once they get a partner (usually propped up with the argument but surely you want to spend time with your partner).

Well by the same token you have assumed it’s pressure from their partner. It is just as likely or more likely that your friends have decided to reduce contact because they want to prioritise their relationship and they would be uncomfortable with their new partners spending time with single male friends -so they don’t do the same thing. It’s unfortunate but you are in effect blaming someone who you have no evidence has done anything. It may also be that these friendships bounce back once the intensity of the new relationship fades out a bit

OP, I think your second post is very telling, to be honest. I’m sorry you have gone through a divorce and most people would be feeling vulnerable after that. But you say these make friends have been the ones to pick you up off the floor and “protect” you from your ex. I do mean this in a kind way, but your language here does make you sound quite vulnerable and needy. It’s understandable, but I think you may have to really step outside yourself and question why these make friendships are so important to your self-esteem. Clearly, it’s not just a “common interest” - cars or whatever. It never is.

Perhaps you seek make attention without any strings to boost your self-esteem? I don’t know. Subconsciously, could it be that being “one of the boys” helps you feel in control (in a way you weren’t in a relationship)? I’m not trying to psychoanalyse you here, but clearly these make friendships have been critical to you self-esteem at a difficult time. I think you need them in a way they don’t reciprocate at this time. It might be useful to consider how healthy this is and be honest with yourself. I believe you when you say you weren’t looking for sex with these men - but what were you looking for? Clearly you needed something from them, so what was it? Attention? A diversion? Emotional connection without the ‘danger’ of anything sexual?

The new girlfriend is probably too wrapped up in her new relationship to be thinking about you or anyone else, to be perfectly honest. I very much doubt she’s “banned” him from anything. The car hobby is probably the last thing on her mind. It won’t be anything personal. But do think about why these make friendships are so important to you and consequently, how this might come across to other people.

I don't understand loads of these responses - my partner sometimes goes and meets a female friend for lunch. He always tells me, and I'm not jealous at all because I'm secure and he's open and honest. Likewise I go and meet my male friends from university sometimes for coffee or a drink.

And I get what the OP is saying. I have a big mixed group of friends from university, male and female. I still love them all and we have great fun when we hang out. Yet somehow, the girls meet up for 'girls only' hangouts, or one on one... And the guys do the same...

But as soon as any 'girl' is invited to a 'guy' hangout, all of a sudden all the girlfriends are coming along too and the whole thing is 'partners are welcome'. The vibe is totally different when partners come as well - I like both but I don't think you should always bring your partner to everything, it's not healthy, and I resent being classified as 'female' over 'mate who I've known for 10 years'.

I love all of my friends' partners but I also like to see them without them (and likewise, sometimes I like bringing my boyfriend along but sometimes I prefer to go alone as the jokes etc are different and I won't be looking after him).

You lost me at ‘I get on with with guys better than girls’, I’m sorry. It’s such a telling phrase.

Exactly what I thought.

The fact that you think they are banned it telling.

But have a think who is common denominator in this - different male friends, different girlfriends, same OP.

@TheGumption

I'd be wary of my partner spending time with a single woman. Particularly the "I just get along better with men" type. That's an alarm bell. I've never met a nice, friendly, easygoing woman that "just gets along better with men".

I was about to make that exact same point.

I get on better with men and have several close friendships but they haven't ever ditched me when they get a girlfriend. Your situation makes me think perhaps there was more to it on their side if I'm honest and that maybe they were only sniffing around for a potential relationship as my male friends would never ditch me.

Well Done MN though, whenever I think I'm getting over the idea that Women hate me for not being at all Womanly/Girly etc you always prove me right while denying that you have any issue with less than Feminine Women.

Where's the 'Get over yourselves' emoji?

Well if there is one, you should probably find it fast if you think 'Women hate you for not being at all Womanly/Girly' 🤷‍♀️

You do you as they say.