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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

999 replies

notonyournelleee · 09/08/2021 09:48

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you Sad

OP posts:
Killahangilion · 10/08/2021 11:04

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

I love how the daily mail have twisted it so it reads like most people attacked her for not splitting - blasted on Mumsnet? When in reality the vast majority of posters agree that it is not on to be expected to pay double in order to save the others a few quid.
The DM always twist their stories every which way to get readers engaged and frothing.

It’s a standard click bait tactic for them and one of the reasons I choose not to read it or similar newspapers because they’re not interested in printing genuine news or accurate factual information.

As you’ve read the original thread, you know that their version of it is not wholly accurate.

That’s another reason why I don’t post on threads that are started with a link to a DM article because you know that the article will have omitted information and stretched the truth out of all proportion. At the heart of their articles are real people and the paper very rarely apologises for the harm it causes. Angry

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 10/08/2021 11:12

'The OP clearly tainted the mood to get such an extreme reaction from her friend.'

Or - and a good deal more likely - the friend's hideous overreaction is entirely of a piece with her generally unpleasant and selfish behaviour.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 10/08/2021 11:14

'They think she is unreasonable and she thinks they are.'

And she's right and they're wrong.

Birminghambloke · 10/08/2021 11:25

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

'They think she is unreasonable and she thinks they are.'

And she's right and they're wrong.

Mixed response on here (and now DM) indicates that’s not quite so clear cut.
DysmalRadius · 10/08/2021 11:42

Having an acute awareness of what you have consumed in contrast to what others have consumed sucks the joy out of the occasion. It sends the message that you didn't really want to be there and were silently judging what everyone was ordering.

I don't think anyone was suggesting that the OP was passing judgement on anyone else's order, but if you order a main course and a drink that you know would have only come to £20 and are presented with a bill for £40, you have to imagine that everyone else ordered more - it doesn'y mean that you were paying attention to that throughout the meal or that you have an 'acute awareness', just that you had a rough idea of what your meal would have cost.

JulieM50 · 10/08/2021 11:42

I am a non-drinker and we always take the alcohol off the bill and split the food adding my soft drink but not always as I often drive them so recently went out for lunch and paid £29 and the others paid £49 so why should I pay an extra £20 for their drinks as they wouldn't expect me too either as that's what real friends are like...We have always done this except for birthdays and we pay for the birthday girl :)

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 10/08/2021 11:50

Yeah; not really that mixed. Most posters are overwhelmingly on OP's side.

I wouldn't line a rabbit hutch with the DM so have less than nil interest in the views of what I shall laughingly refer to as the 'readership' of that rag.

Comedycook · 10/08/2021 11:52

The thing is I want to socialise but I'm on a budget. My friends are far richer than me! So I can afford to pay for myself and I'll adjust my consumption accordingly. I can't afford to pay for others who are far wealthier than me anyway

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 10/08/2021 11:53

It's also nuts that you think an extreme reaction must necessarily be prompted by extreme behaviour: if that were the case, people wouldn't be stabbed to death over an argument over a parking space, or a can of soft drink, now, would they?

notacooldad · 10/08/2021 11:53

Yeah, I get it, but people dont behave in ways that you expect

Even more reason to not continue to enable it

Maybe but I'll lay down my expectations so I am not blindsided with any unreasonable demands and take responsibility for myself and not hope everyone dies what I think or want them to do.

BorderlineHappy · 10/08/2021 12:03

Plus if the op wanted to spend £40 she would have went for the more expensive option.
Plus the only tightarses here are the ones that wanted the extra £20.
She doesn't even know these people,so I don't see how it would even out over time.

Bunnycat101 · 10/08/2021 12:26

I never split the bill with non-drinkers unless they’ve been having more expensive drinks like smoothies. It has been very standard in all of my friendship groups to roughly split the bill but to have a non-drinker rate and a drinker rate. Similar if you some having puddings and others not. It is not that difficult to split with a degree of proportionality.

MrsDoctorDear · 10/08/2021 12:26

Latoya Gayle must be so proud of her groundbreaking news articles.

Needapoodle · 10/08/2021 12:27

20 quid is a lot of money and having to pay that on top of my own meal would be really out of reach for me. So i would have done what you did. Absolutely hate splitting bills unless it's family or very close friends.

boringbrain · 10/08/2021 12:34

So all these friends consumed more than op and now are guilt tripping op just because they ended up paying £4 for items THEY have consumed but expecting op to pay £20 more for items that she didn't consume? It's always the ones that consume the most expensive items that have the cheek to suggest splitting the bill so it costs them less and when they get caught out, people like op then become the joy killers. Jog on you cheapskates, eat and drink what you can afford, don't expect others to subsidise for you.

Whatwouldscullydo · 10/08/2021 12:40

Maybe but I'll lay down my expectations so I am not blindsided with any unreasonable demands and take responsibility for myself and not hope everyone dies what I think or want them to do

I think.op did that tbh. She just told them at the end. Its not her job to placate them. If the meal was ruined it was ruined by the other people's reactions to the situation. Which they had absolute control over whether it happened at the beginning or the end of a meal. It's still on them not her. And I don't think it matters one way or another what time it actually happens

londonscalling · 10/08/2021 13:04

I think your friends were in the wrong for not considering the fact they had a lot more than you!! It shouldn't have got to the stage that you had to ask. They should have automatically considered this when splitting the bill!

Redact · 10/08/2021 13:12

YANBU I've been your position before and I would have done the same. The other people in the party should have said that you should pay for your own as they are drinking and therefore their bill will be a good bit more expensive - how rude that they didn't offer this courtesy but then they very rarely do from my experience.

makingmorebrandy · 10/08/2021 13:14

Still no thanks for the gifts, no.

I wanted to surprise her so bought loads of fairly expensive items she'd mentioned over the last few months but said is out of budget for her Sad

I just feel so sad because I am genuinely a very nice friend and will always be fair. I also don't really have many friends because I can't socialise much, I have a severely disabled DC. Getting out can be hard but I try and allow myself at least once a month or so

Never mind though, I'm sure it'll blow over eventually. But I don't want to socialise with those other people again. They were extremely rude to the waitress when she said she wasn't sure what a particular dish was, and went to find out

And then again when the waitress said something wasn't available on the menu

Then started loudly singing to a song that came on and clapping, trying to get another set of very quiet diners to join in!

AnAnonymousCheerleader · 10/08/2021 13:18

@makingmorebrandy

Still no thanks for the gifts, no.

I wanted to surprise her so bought loads of fairly expensive items she'd mentioned over the last few months but said is out of budget for her Sad

I just feel so sad because I am genuinely a very nice friend and will always be fair. I also don't really have many friends because I can't socialise much, I have a severely disabled DC. Getting out can be hard but I try and allow myself at least once a month or so

Never mind though, I'm sure it'll blow over eventually. But I don't want to socialise with those other people again. They were extremely rude to the waitress when she said she wasn't sure what a particular dish was, and went to find out

And then again when the waitress said something wasn't available on the menu

Then started loudly singing to a song that came on and clapping, trying to get another set of very quiet diners to join in!

Not surprised to find out they're rude in other ways too.
dottydodah · 10/08/2021 13:19

makingmorebrandy They dont sound any great loss! I hope you get back with your friend ,however she is being a bit out of order not to thank you by now.

Feedingthebirds1 · 10/08/2021 13:19

@makingmorebrandy

Name change fail? If you copy your post as @notonyournelleee more people will spot it as it will come up the same colour as your earlier posts.

notacooldad · 10/08/2021 13:26

I think.op did that tbh. She just told them at the end. Its not her job to placate them
I don't mention about sorting out how we are paying to placate friends. I prefer to do it then everyone us on the same page and theres no one saying " ok, bill is £180 and theres 6 of us so that is.....oh right, you want to itemise and pay yours separately, fine!'

Everyone has there own way of doing things this just our groups way ( sometimes we split ,especially if it is a fixed price)

Winemewhynot · 10/08/2021 13:32

Hmm okay bit of a drip feed with some classic mumsnet bingo but I’ll roll with it for now… Wink

ponyexpress22 · 10/08/2021 13:38

My DD tells me, in the restaurant she works at it's become quite common to let each member of the party tap their own card to pay for just what they've had. It takes all that confusion (and resentment) away.

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