Friend annoyed that I wouldn't split the bill

[notonyournelleee]

6 of us went out for a nice meal for DFriend's birthday.

I was the only one who didn't drink alcohol. Just a few lemonades. At the end one person said 'Should we just split the bill then?' But she didn't say it as a question, more of a leading statement. She then got her phone out and split it 6 ways. Came to just over £40 each!

I said 'Sorry, no. You've all drunk quite a bit and I've had no alcohol at all. Would you mind if I pay separately?'

They said yeah fine... and the atmosphere was a little odd after that. We all went our separate ways after that. It wasn't a particularly expensive place but not cheap. Food very reasonably priced but of course the alcohol stacked up the bill significantly

Ive been messaged my birthday girl this morning to say I was really out of order and should've just split. Everyone was a bit upset.

AIBU to not have split?!

I felt like I was being fair there. She also said she was opening her gifts from me in the evening but I've had no words in a way of thank you

@AlternativePerspective

@ TheAverageUser I think it depends though how much they’re drinking.

I am teetotal plus I have a 1500ml fluid restriction due to heart failure. We went out with another couple, and when we got there they’d already been there a while and had ordered a bottle of Prosecco.

They then each had a drink while waiting for dinner and ordered a bottle of wine with dinner. My DP had a couple of beers, but for the duration of the entire meal I only had one orange juice. And yet when the bill came they suggested splitting. My DP did, but I wasn’t amused, and never really saw them in the same light again.

The problem here is not the other couple, who were obviously just drunkenly enjoying themselves and weren't monitoring what other people were consuming. But you should have spoke up for yourself and your DP shouldn't have paid it if he knew you'd be upset about it.

@LadyWithLapdog

OP, for the sake of a tenner you’ve lost yourself a friend. It may have been cheeky to expect splitting the bill but getting a reputation for being tight isn’t good either. I have been in the situation of having to budget very strictly before, I do get where you’re coming from. But it’s the price of friendship and smooth running of things.

Tight??

The difference was £20 not a tenner. Making OP’s meal double the cost of what she had consumed.

The OP also put in a tip on top of her bill but none of the other diners tipped.

The definition of “Tight” is surely people who want to spend other people’s money so they can afford to choose the expensive meal options and consume excess booze and then walk out without tipping is unbelievably poor form.

@notonyournellee

It seems it might not be as simple as I thought then, a lot of opinions on Daily Mail seem to be that because I've gone out as a group, I should just suck it up! Because next time I might be drinking so it's all swings and roundabouts. Obviously there's a lot of nasty trollers on DM but it eeems a lot of comments were genuine, I suppose that sort of topic would attract a lot of normal readers to comment

Thing is though, I haven't really drunk at all for years now. TTC, pregnant and then not sadly, and now I'm pregnant and come so far so not drinking a thing for peace of mind

No the overwhelming response is that OP was quite right.

Though it is rather alarming to be in agreement with the majority of DM readers!

@Killahangilion

Quite right. The astonishing hypocrisy of the drinkers and big eaters wanting the non-drinkers and small eaters to pay for their gluttony and then accusing them of being tight. Hahahaha
Tight is exactly the word to describe those reluctant to pay their own way.

gluttony? A restaurant exists to make money. There is nothing wrong with ordering and eating and drinking like a king if you pay your way.

Just discussed this with dh, and we agreed to say simultaneously what sum would prompt us to speak up. We both said "£20". So below that, I'd suck up any disparity. So, as the OP, giving it a bit of leeway, I would have said something. However, anyone who'd quibble over a couple of pounds would be a party pooper, imo.

Heartily agree that financial circumstances are irrelevant. Some people are always pleading poverty (well, you shouldn't have three kids at private school, then!) or living beyond their means. I'm not subsidising their meals out!!

Exactly, the spongers are the tight ones who don’t want to pay for what they’ve ordered, they want others to subsidise it and then blame you for calling them out.
If it’s a few pound I’ve been happy to split the bill but that’s double.

People saying she should have mentioned at the start - why? It makes no difference, you didnt drink booze which makes up a fair whack of the bill, so you shouldnt pay.
Then everyone know what the expectation is?
Some people dont mind a minor disparity of a few quid, others do.

I don't get why people have to split the bill. In most countries the waiter/waitress would walk around with a card machine and take out people's individual bill. You want to pay cash? Fine, the waiter/waitress would always have change in their apron and they would be prepared for this once they see a group of friends. To some people who have mentioned in this thread that op should have mentioned at the beginning, well wtf why should she? Everyone's responsible to pay for what they eat and drink and you don't walk into a dinner setting saying "hi everyone, btw I will pay for my food and drinks only okay, lovely to see you all so where shall I sit now" 🤷🏻‍♀️

The birthday girl is no friend here, she should have protected op. A real friend would look out for her friend and not expect her friend to subsides her other friends bill which costs double. I'm the type of person who would pay individually because I like my 3 courses and drink many drinks so why should my friends pay for my meal and drinks equally when I eat and drink more?

[quote 50ShadesOfCatholic]@Killahangilion

Quite right. The astonishing hypocrisy of the drinkers and big eaters wanting the non-drinkers and small eaters to pay for their gluttony and then accusing them of being tight. Hahahaha
Tight is exactly the word to describe those reluctant to pay their own way.[/quote]
Always seems to be like that

Then everyone know what the expectation is?
Some people dont mind a minor disparity of a few quid, others do

Would be an interesting test wouldn't it. I wonder how many steaks and lobsters would suddenly not be ordered...

In all seriousness though rather than people having to stand up and tell people they won't be taken the piss out of, how about the others just order what they can afford. That way there's no surprises.

I mean surely, being extravagant at the expense of others should realky not be considered the default ? What kinda friends do you have

I don’t drink either and I would do exactly the same. Shame you didn’t get your call I first to say you are really upset that you were initially expected to subsidise their drinking. What a cheek

But knowing that you're going to have to pay for all the food and drink you order, instead of the average of what the table orders shouldn't change anyone's behaviour.

Surely you should go in with the expectation that you pay for what you order, especially if you're likely to be ordering more than everyone else?

You'd have to be exceptionally self absorbed to not notice that not everyone has multiple courses, several drinks etc. Or that some things on the menu cost considerably more than others and that consequently, bills in the same restaurant at the same table can vary by at least two or three times.

A pizza and a coke or even single alcoholic drink can cost under £20 even with a tip at the average independent Italian whereas the same restaurant could serve a seafood starter, steak main, pudding, couple of glasses of wine and a coffee that's likely to be closer to £50. Do people really not notice these things?

Has she thanked you for the present yet??

Also who has ever had a meal and had3 or four glasses of coke! With alcohol more is always consumed.

You'll never see a thread where someone is pissed off for splitting a bill because people drank too much coke

@notacooldad

People saying she should have mentioned at the start - why? It makes no difference, you didnt drink booze which makes up a fair whack of the bill, so you shouldnt pay. Then everyone know what the expectation is? Some people dont mind a minor disparity of a few quid, others do.

The expectation should be that you pay for your own, not order what the hell you want and expect others to subsidise you. Or, that you expect it could go either way so given that it's not exactly unusual for people to want to pay for what they've eaten and drunk and no more.

I really don't think most people are ordering "steaks and lobsters" to scam another diner. What if everyone ordered the same thing? And if steak and lobster are on the menu, then why not order them? And alcohol?

The point is, is to be aware of what others have had. You don't have to have salad and tap water just because one person chooses this. Just reckon up at the end appropriately and fairly.

Some people are cheapskates, and ime of many years dining out, they come at both ends of the scale. I've heard many a time, "Oh, I only had X" when a forensic examination would reveal they had eaten far more than they claimed.

You'll never see a thread where someone is pissed off for splitting a bill because people drank too much coke

Exactly,And that's precisely why the mark up on soft drinks is so high . It costs what 10/20p a glass? Becuase they know that whereas people can drink 8+ pints or numerous vodka and cokes they still only drink 2 cokes max...

We go away with a group, some of whom drink v heavily others not at all. We’ve agreed on a scale - I know it sounds obsessive but it’s become part of the fun of eating out. Top drinkers are 1 going down to a 4 for non drinkers
I once paid £50 for one course with others having 2 or 3 plus drinking. I said nothing but the next time I suggested the drinkers split the alcohol bill

I love how the daily mail have twisted it so it reads like most people attacked her for not splitting - blasted on Mumsnet? When in reality the vast majority of posters agree that it is not on to be expected to pay double in order to save the others a few quid.

But tragic to lose a friend over £19.

The way I see it, the OP now knows her ‘friend’ is a waste of space AND she still has her 19 quid. Win win.

@Givemebackmylilo

You've made the daily mail!

Cancel the cheque!

The expectation should be that you pay for your own, not order what the hell you want and expect others to subsidise you. Or, that you expect it could go either way so given that it's not exactly unusual for people to want to pay for what they've eaten and drunk and no more
Yeah, I get it, but people dont behave in ways that you expect.

Do you honestly think in Italy when they go out with in their multigenerational groups and are sharing delicious food and wines, Nona gets her calculator out at the end to divvy up who ate and drank what? No, because it is about the occasion and the celebration, warmth and generosity . To reduce it down to 'I only had the dry toast and tap water Sheila' is soul destroying.

This is so over the top 😆 ‘Soul-destroying’? Specifying that it’s delicious food, as if we’d all have been sat here thinking they were eating pig swill from a trough otherwise.

Every single person in Italy behaves the same? Wow, who knew

Yes; every day is one long Dolmio advert.

Yeah, I get it, but people dont behave in ways that you expect

Even more reason to not continue to enable it.

The while thing could have been solved by some self awareness. " I ordered a few extra sides and some cocktails here's an extra 15/20 quid fir my part"

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

This sums it up well for me. I’d say it would be a 5 way split, including tips, with the birthday girl being treated. 'The text was likely because the birthday girl was embarrassed that was the lasting impression of the OP to her other friends. It would have tainted a mood, regardless of if splitting was strictly speaking fair or not.'

OP didn't opt-out of a five-way split; that wasn't mooted.

What of the OP's lasting impression of these people? A bunch of non-tipping moochers who clearly have a good old bitch, thus prompting the birthday girl to send an unpleasant text with no acknowledgment of the OP's gift?

As you referenced my post, I’ll comment. I’m sure that is the OP’s impression of the others. They think she is unreasonable and she thinks they are. It’s why it’s important to get / agree your ‘eat out match’. The OP clearly tainted the mood to get such an extreme reaction from her friend.

I think the group were tight to not tip- that’s probably another MN thread 😉