To just never drive on motorways.

[intothewoodss]

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

How often do you need to drive these distances? If you can take a train instead then do that

People shouldn’t judge you for it, you need to do what’s best for you

So don’t go on them , and tell your family to fuck off as it’s none of their business.
There, problem solved.

Have you considered hypnotherapy, as a tool to help you work through your anxiety and plan ahead?

Your husband and your in laws don’t get to judge you when he doesn’t drive at all.

If you want to do the distances, get some beta blockers from the GP and lessons.

If you don’t want to push yourself to do them, don’t.

I have a family member who won't drive on motorways. She's been driving for years, and was the main chauffeur for her mother too as she never learnt to drive, so it's not a "new driver" thing for her. It does limit her options - they live in the north west and go on holiday to North Wales as you don't need to go on a motorway to get there. If you struggle with any multi-lane road though, I'd look at taking some more lessons to look at these, or try out an automatic car so you haven't got the gears to worry about along with everything else.

I don't drive on motorways. I get stressed joining them. I'm happy to follow A roads, or take the train. Sometimes it takes longer. If anyone has an issue with that, they are more than welcome to drive instead.

It's not unreasonable to be aware and listen to your limitations at all.

However I do worry about unconfident drivers like yourself, they are very hazardous in the road in general. Maybe you should take some steps to decrease your stress when driving, extra lessons, the some things to distract and quieten your children for example. It doesn't sound safe tbh.

If you're that anxious on the motorway I would say avoid it. I'm reasonably confident on the road but motorways are much busier than ever and people do get quite pushy for example if you're driving slower than they want they will get close.

Just plan journeys around the A roads.

Your husband could try again instead of blaming you. Also does he help keep children quiet so you can concentrate?

I'm not sure why the in laws are judging you seeing as DH doesn't drive?

Just plan holidays via A roads or use the train.

If you frequently have panic attacks at the wheel you shouldn't really be driving at all. If you only drive locally anyway then why not give up the car that causes so much stress and use the bus?

Wth am I reading! Your family rather you push yourself to drive wheb your not ready to and what if you caused an accident and killed someone not forgetting harming yourself or your children, do not they not think about that.

Ffs say no and stand your ground. End of the day if you do and that scenario happens, you are the one who has to live with the consequences.

@Shapesorted

It's not unreasonable to be aware and listen to your limitations at all.

However I do worry about unconfident drivers like yourself, they are very hazardous in the road in general. Maybe you should take some steps to decrease your stress when driving, extra lessons, the some things to distract and quieten your children for example. It doesn't sound safe tbh.

That's exactly my worry too, which is why I mentioned the time I had to put my hazards on and stop, as I was very aware that if anyone had been behind me that could've led to an accident.

I have absolutely no anxiety at all driving on the roads I know around my local area. Never had any points. Never had a bump.

It is just these multi lane roads that I can't get off that I just seem unable to cope on.

It isn't really an option though, is it? What if you end up in a situation like I did. There was an accident ahead and the police diverted us all onto the Motorway and we came off at the next junction. There was no other route, you couldn't turn around as the left lane was shut with the accident so we were all sent down the right lane which was closed to oncoming traffic. Even learner's had to do a quick switch with the instructor in the middle if the road as there was literally nowhere else to go.

I didn't have any option but to grump and swear my way to the next junction which we'll overshot where I actually wanted to go but that was just tough.

I don't drive on motorways. I can, and have done in the past, but don't like them and don't need to use them to get to work or anything so I decided I'm not going to do it again. It's never caused me an issue.

Bit rude of your DH and his family to judge your driving, when he doesn’t drive at all

I don't drive on motorways, never have I divert my sat nav to take me on B roads. Had a crash on a motorway with a lorry and several cars and it tramuised me for life.

My mum is horribly nervous on motorways and dual carriageways and bridges for similar reasons as you. She flat out won't drive bridges (unless she can see the exit is clear) or motorways. I'm gently encouraging her on a couple of the tiny gentle stretches of dual carriageway because she has asked me to. If she doesn't want to then that is her decision.

No one should be forcing you to do something you are so uncomfortable with.

There's no reason you can't go further afield. You can get pretty much anywhere you need to get to by using single-carriageway roads. You just need to allow a bit more time. Often the journey will be more interesting.

I had a panic attack on a motorway once. It was late and I'd had loads of coffee and I think it was caffeine-induced! But it was exactly that feeling of agoraphobia you described. The feeling that I HAD to stay in one lane, I COULDN'T stop, I COULDN'T turn the wheel, etc. It became overwhelming.

I managed to make it to my junction, but had to pull into to a garage for a rest.

I tried again a few days later but the feeling came back and I never bothered again.

All satnavs have an "avoid motorways" option which makes me feel like I'm not alone!

I wouldn't worry. At least you can drive somewhere. My anxiety built up so much that I'm currently too scared to drive anywhere.

I should point out that children are very well secured in their respective car seats. I drive a 2019 Volvo that has won all the safety awards. I very rarely get over 30mph due to using car to get around my local area, shops, school run, errands etc.

@AlbertBridge

I had a panic attack on a motorway once. It was late and I'd had loads of coffee and I think it was caffeine-induced! But it was exactly that feeling of agoraphobia you described. The feeling that I HAD to stay in one lane, I COULDN'T stop, I COULDN'T turn the wheel, etc. It became overwhelming.

I managed to make it to my junction, but had to pull into to a garage for a rest.

I tried again a few days later but the feeling came back and I never bothered again.

All satnavs have an "avoid motorways" option which makes me feel like I'm not alone!

I wouldn't worry. At least you can drive somewhere. My anxiety built up so much that I'm currently too scared to drive anywhere.

That's the exact feeling I have.

I'm wondering how if it's more claustrophobia than agoraphobia. Either way it's a phobia that goes beyond simply not liking driving.

No one should be judging you! None of anyone's business. On the other hand, if you want to do it for you, I can recommend having some motorway lessons, really helped me, I love motorway driving now, I find it straightforward and know what I should be doing. Just really good for confidence and understanding how to handle the specifics of driving at speed.

Hypnotherapy prob could also really help.

But only do it if you want to for you, to build your confidence! Never do something bec someone else is judging you. They can feck off.

I think you’re wise not to push yourself op. Motorway driving is very different and it’s not a place where you want to be stressed and freaking out. If you are keen to overcome it, there are motorway driving lessons you can take with someone who will be experienced in helping people overcome their anxiety. I think it’s wise for all new drivers to have some motorway driving lessons once they pass their normal test. I remember how nervous I was my first time, but I got over it quickly.

I’ve been driving for 15 years, and it’s only recently that I feel properly confident on the motorway. What has actually helped us lockdown and taking a proper year long break from any motorway driving, and not forcing myself to drive and be stressed. Returning to driving on the motorway this year has felt very different and I have done several 3 hour trips in the last 3 months.

Give yourself a break, don’t drive on them for a while, then maybe look at some extra lessons if it’s something you want to do in the future?

I do understand that you are fearful of doing something new, I am driving abroad for the first time this summer and am terrified of it.
Actually though there are a lot more accidents on slower roads than motorways because there are more potential hazards there such as cars reversing out, pedestrians, junctions etc. whereas motorways are where I relax, the car becomes just like a stop/ go machine and it’s an easier drive.
I drive a lot, sometimes late at night and my car is the only car on the motorway for miles and miles.
I think if you book a lesson with an instructor just for that it might be a good idea if you want the freedom to venture further with your driving, I think you can overcome this.