To just never drive on motorways.

[intothewoodss]

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

Cross post, I thought that would be the reason. How often are visits wanted? I live that kind of distance from MIL. We do all drive and are fine on motorways but what about trains? My mate lives 50 miles away and I took a train and it only took an hour to get there. I suppose it depends on what line you would get.

@Auntienumber8

Cross post, I thought that would be the reason. How often are visits wanted? I live that kind of distance from MIL. We do all drive and are fine on motorways but what about trains? My mate lives 50 miles away and I took a train and it only took an hour to get there. I suppose it depends on what line you would get.

We have taken trains to them before but because they are rural they have to ferry us around everywhere and we don't all fit in their cars now as we are a family of four and they don't have car seats etc.

Your husband and your in laws don’t get to judge you when he doesn’t drive at all.

That. If they criticise you, you should absolutely deflect the conversation to your DH not driving AT ALL. Tell them to take it up with him.

If you don't like motorways, don't drive on them and tell your family to mind their own business or drive themselves.

You have several problems....one is that the driving is all down to you. Another is the children, it is hard to be driving while the children are 'kicking off' because you can't just deal with it. These are making your anxiety huge and I can't see what extra driving lessons will give you because it won't solve these issues.

Stick to what you know. Your confidence will grow when the pressure is off and the children will grow up eventually. When you've got time to yourself and can try - on your own - just going down a motorway slip road and coming off at the next junction every so often, slowly it will get better. You will start to get used to dealing with motorways, just take it very gently when you are ready. Accept it may take years rather than months and ignore family comments.

It's reasonable for any driver to have preferences. Some people I know dislike city driving (me included) and would rather get the train than drive, others dislike country road driving and wouldn't choose to go there, some people would rather use the train for long journeys than drive long motorway drives. All that's okay.

However, driving on multiple carriageway roads is part of passing a driving test and it concerns me that there's drivers out there who can't do that without getting into what appears to be quite an irrational state You've said you rarely drive above 30 in your area, which I'm hoping is because the roads you drive are 30mph limits. If not then you're not driving appropriately across a range of roads. My concern is that you're probably too anxious to be on the road, and that's before factoring in the wider distractions of children in in car.

Whether you want to drive long distances to your in laws or not, it sounds like you would benefit from a pass plus course to build road confidence.

I'm not really sure that there's an answer to this then.

Clearly you're not unreasonable to avoid driving situations in which you might be a danger to yourself and others, and no one can expect you to do that. And there's no other practicable route to get there. You can't go.

@MeanderingGently

If you don't like motorways, don't drive on them and tell your family to mind their own business or drive themselves.

You have several problems....one is that the driving is all down to you. Another is the children, it is hard to be driving while the children are 'kicking off' because you can't just deal with it. These are making your anxiety huge and I can't see what extra driving lessons will give you because it won't solve these issues.

Stick to what you know. Your confidence will grow when the pressure is off and the children will grow up eventually. When you've got time to yourself and can try - on your own - just going down a motorway slip road and coming off at the next junction every so often, slowly it will get better. You will start to get used to dealing with motorways, just take it very gently when you are ready. Accept it may take years rather than months and ignore family comments.

Thank you for reading and actually understanding what's going on here, I really appreciate it. I'm going to copy your response into my iPhone notes and keep it in case I feel I need to justify myself to anyone again.

I can see both sides, I get terrified on motorways and try to avoid them, but I can and do drive on them sometimes as I have to. I used to be in a job that involved a LOT of driving, it was tiresome if you were going somewhere with a colleague and you had to always drive as they "don't drive on the motorway".

However re going further distances, I would suggest going places with a train station and googling the public transport system there before you go. I pretty much stick to this after some awful experiences driving round narrow not fit for purpose roads in Cornwall and others rural places.

@LolaSmiles

It's reasonable for any driver to have preferences. Some people I know dislike city driving (me included) and would rather get the train than drive, others dislike country road driving and wouldn't choose to go there, some people would rather use the train for long journeys than drive long motorway drives. All that's okay.

However, driving on multiple carriageway roads is part of passing a driving test and it concerns me that there's drivers out there who can't do that without getting into what appears to be quite an irrational state You've said you rarely drive above 30 in your area, which I'm hoping is because the roads you drive are 30mph limits. If not then you're not driving appropriately across a range of roads. My concern is that you're probably too anxious to be on the road, and that's before factoring in the wider distractions of children in in car.

Whether you want to drive long distances to your in laws or not, it sounds like you would benefit from a pass plus course to build road confidence.

There's a bypass from my house to the local supermarket. It has National speed limit but is quite twisty so I generally drive 50-55mph on it, I match my speed to the car in front and keep my distance basically.

I can fucking drive, guys.

@Turkishangora

I can see both sides, I get terrified on motorways and try to avoid them, but I can and do drive on them sometimes as I have to. I used to be in a job that involved a LOT of driving, it was tiresome if you were going somewhere with a colleague and you had to always drive as they "don't drive on the motorway".

However re going further distances, I would suggest going places with a train station and googling the public transport system there before you go. I pretty much stick to this after some awful experiences driving round narrow not fit for purpose roads in Cornwall and others rural places.

Well I'm sorry that someone being terrified made you feel tired. Jesus, and they say autistics aren't able to empathise...

I never have and have no intention of ever, driving on a motorway - Ive been driving about 15 years. I stick to areas and routes I know or arent too far away and Im fine - I dont feel I'm missing out in any way! If you do want to go further afield ever - go by train! Dont let anyone force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.

Mate, I am an autistic woman approaching middle age. Believe me when I say I have an absolute wealth of experience of anxiety interventions.

That's fair, no judgement here. I get where you're coming from with the agoraphobic feeling in the car, I've been driving for a few years, but still get it sometimes on long journeys and unfamiliar roads. In general I'm a fairly anxious person and have done various general CBT Psychotherapy courses over the years. On the waiting list for driving anxiety CBT/exposure therapy, it may or may not help but figured it can't help to try.

If it doesn't work, I'll just stick to journeys I'm comfortable with as it still gives me some convenience/freedom that I don't have if I rely on public transport. I don't get the posters who think driving is an all or nothing skill and if you can't drive on every single road after passing your test, then you should hand in your licence. If I stopped doing anything that made me anxious I would literally never get out of bed! Far better to face your fears sensibly over time, rather than give up at the first hurdle.

@Untrained

I never have and have no intention of ever, driving on a motorway - Ive been driving about 15 years. I stick to areas and routes I know or arent too far away and Im fine - I dont feel I'm missing out in any way! If you do want to go further afield ever - go by train! Dont let anyone force you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.

Well according to some people here you shouldn't be driving at all.

But you haven't specifically mentioned anxiety so they will probably say you're fine.

@DistrustfulDinosaur

Mate, I am an autistic woman approaching middle age. Believe me when I say I have an absolute wealth of experience of anxiety interventions.

That's fair, no judgement here. I get where you're coming from with the agoraphobic feeling in the car, I've been driving for a few years, but still get it sometimes on long journeys and unfamiliar roads. In general I'm a fairly anxious person and have done various general CBT Psychotherapy courses over the years. On the waiting list for driving anxiety CBT/exposure therapy, it may or may not help but figured it can't help to try.

If it doesn't work, I'll just stick to journeys I'm comfortable with as it still gives me some convenience/freedom that I don't have if I rely on public transport. I don't get the posters who think driving is an all or nothing skill and if you can't drive on every single road after passing your test, then you should hand in your licence. If I stopped doing anything that made me anxious I would literally never get out of bed! Far better to face your fears sensibly over time, rather than give up at the first hurdle.

If I stopped driving my son would never go to school as it isn't safe to walk with him (we have a blue badge in his name for this exact reason).

I am the opposite. I prefer driving on motorways as there is a lot of distraction on normal roads (ADHD).

Though I am struggling to work out where you pull over on normal roads as mostly they are double yellows or permit holders only with cctv that issues you with a fine if you stop or you have to parallel park in a tight place and that is way more stressful,
Not safe but at least on motorways you have the hard shoulder (sometimes)

intothewoodss
People are going by the information you've given.
There's no point saying "I can fucking drive" when you were the one who said you rarely get above 30mph, you can't drive safely on dual carriageway roads and your thread is highlighting that you clearly find driving quite an anxious experience.

You don't have to do all the driving to your in laws and if you don't want to motorway drive then that's your choice, but other people are allowed to point out that you come across as quite a nervous driver, which cam be hazardous at times.

I don't drive on motorways unless there is really no other sensible option. Fortunately where I live, I am able to join my local motorway by means of an extra lane, so I tend to use it to go north and come back on the parallel A road which works fine.

Unless you are in a desperate hurry, you don't often need to use one, there are always alternatives.

Usually on these threads someone comes along and says "but what if you absolutely have to use one"? Well, you might, but it's vanishingly unlikely. Sometimes A roads turn into motorways like the A1(M) but they generally have two lanes and are not like driving on the M25.

If people stuck to speed limits on motorways they'd be much easier to drive on. And if lorries didn't decide to overtake each other when one is doing 59 mph and the other 58.

Sounds like avoiding motorways while you feel like this is sensible. Is it something you want to work to overcome? I'm not sure what the answer is though. Maybe as others suggested extra lessons and can discuss anxieties with instructor who could help you work out safest safest to cope?

I see it a different way, motorway driving I feel other drivers behaviour is more predictable so prefer it to city driving! Yes people can still do stupid things but it's much more limited

@DinosaurDiana

So don’t go on them , and tell your family to fuck off as it’s none of their business. There, problem solved.

This. I don't drive on them either, for similar reasons to OP. "Smart" motorways should carry public health warnings, like cigarette packets, plus there are too many angry vanmen, texters, cokeheads and stoners.

Ok so not going to try and drive on motorways, not this year anyway.

In laws aren't particularly sympathetic people, despite making lots of noise that they are. And many of you are right, they're not my problem to deal with.

I am going to continue driving around my local area as I have a disabled child and it's the only way we can take him out, we have a blue badge for this exact reason. Also because I have zero anxiety driving around my area, no points, no claims for the whole time I've been driving and know I'm a good driver. If that were in any doubt of COURSE I wouldn't be driving my children around. I may be neurodiverse but my judgement is very sound.

I live in a county with no motorways ...so had no lessons on them ....I'm ok I wouldn't not use them but I'm happier off them ...dual carriageway I'm fine

I see huge quantities of people miss-using motorways either due to lack of confidence or lack of knowledge and frankly it creates a dangerous situation for themselves and other people

or even more likely, due to overconfidence! It would be good if people drove a little more slowly on motorways and didn't decide to cross all three or four lanes of the motorway at the last possible moment before their junction.

But no one gets lessons on a motorway @Lulu1919 because learners aren’t allowed on them?

I'm autistic too and I have found over the years that sometimes it's easier to accept my limitations. Nobody should be judging you on how a disability affects you, especially your family - that's really awful of them. Sometimes we just have to say 'no, that's not for me' and others don't get to have an opinion. The idea that some beta blockers/anxiety counselling/extra lessons will make any difference here is just highlighting the lack of understanding of how autism can affect a person.

I no longer go to the supermarket alone. I can do it if I'm really pushed, just as you can drive a motorway, but it makes me feel so bad I am happy not to do it. It's the same thing.

Current DVLA regulations state that 'you must tell DVLA if you have and ASC, including Asperger Syndrome, and it affects your driving'

www.gov.uk/asc-and-driving

I think it would help you to check this out so that you can see if your specific circumstances would affect your insurance or make you liable for a fine. I had to go through this myself.