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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
godmum56 · 09/08/2021 12:00

"I qualified before motorway driving was even permitted for learners"

me too and provided that you are safe and confident on the roads you do choose to drive on then judgyfart idiots can feck off

oh btw I have a policy for judgy whiney feckwit passengers. They can shut up or get out and walk.

XelaM · 09/08/2021 12:01

I don't get so many people saying they don't drive on motoways. Aren't they the easiest roads to drive on? All you have to do is go straight

Nacknick · 09/08/2021 12:01

And some more practical advice that I have observed seems to help.

When we are planning a trip he is very disciplined about avoiding alcohol and caffeine for a period beforehand - alcohol for about 2 weeks before usually, caffeine for a shorter period. He’s very susceptible to caffeine though, so may not help you. As with all these things YMMV

Flowers
yummyscummymummy01 · 09/08/2021 12:09

I've been driving for five years and haven't gone on a motorway yet. Haven't had a crash either. I'm planning on getting some motorway lessons as want more options for holidays. I think it's more common than you think.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 12:10

@Nacknick

And some more practical advice that I have observed seems to help.

When we are planning a trip he is very disciplined about avoiding alcohol and caffeine for a period beforehand - alcohol for about 2 weeks before usually, caffeine for a shorter period. He’s very susceptible to caffeine though, so may not help you. As with all these things YMMV

Flowers

I don't drink alcohol or caffeine as I have IBD. The IBD, in part, drives the phobia, because when I have to go I have less than three minutes to find a loo. I have much less control over my bowels than regular people do, and even if I stuff myself up with Imodium prior to a journey, on a flare up day it can have no effect whatsoever. And yes, IBD incidence is higher among autistics. I got all the good genes.
OP posts:
Thevoiceofreason2021 · 09/08/2021 12:17

I feel ya, I rarely get of second gear. I’m fine on my own but put the baby in the back and I’m anxious. TBH there are plenty of people who don’t drive, and just because you can manage the local shops does not automatically mean you can/ should or want to drive in motorways or long distances. Tell your family to drive themselves or get the train. You are not a taxi service and you have plenty for going already. Your family are only thinking of themselves.

Zilla1 · 09/08/2021 12:26

FWIW, OP, a colleague plans her routes so she never has to make a right turn or otherwise cross traffic such as by going straight ahead at crossroads or roundabouts. Only left hand turns. If non-left hand turns are required then the journey is not essential. She used to be very good at route planning. Haven't worked with her for a while so am not sure if she has found an app or sat nav that can be tweaked to do this automatically.

Zilla1 · 09/08/2021 12:27

One of the benefits of AI/autonomous driving vehicles will be to help anxious drivers and non-drivers be more mobile.

mistermagpie · 09/08/2021 12:30

I'm the same as you, I have been driving for four years and have never driven on a motorway. I feel like maybe I never will.

I'm confident and safe on other roads though, contrary to what PP has said, so it's not like I'm presenting a risk by driving the way I do. I'm happy to drive locally and things but I'm not confident about having my wits about me at 70 miles an hour and the rest of you should be grateful I stick to the smaller roads!

I have a friend who was the same but she has been driving for about 15 years and actually went on the motorway for the first time last year. It was surprisingly (to her) fine and she now does it regularly, so it can be done, but if you don't want to then you shouldn't have to. Just get public transport if you have to.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 12:30

@Zilla1

One of the benefits of AI/autonomous driving vehicles will be to help anxious drivers and non-drivers be more mobile.
Yes, hopefully someone will build one that doesn't keep crashing soon Grin
OP posts:
igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 12:35

They have been able to for 3 years. With a qualified instructor only

I didn't know it had been allowed for that long? My son only passed his test in June and he didn't. Maybe his instructor wants to sell passplus courses! Although instructors are overwhelmed at the moment so I imagine most are prioritising normal lessons over passplus.

Zilla1 · 09/08/2021 12:35

OP, but the test shouldn't be no crashes, just fewer than the equivalent number of crashes for human-driven miles. I've not looked at the statistics but autonomous vehicles might already be better drivers than the average human driver, it's just that every crash involving an autonomous vehicle has huge publicity whereas the millions? of crashes and near misses that humans make aren't often mentioned unless a motorway gets blocked or several people die. Every time I drive around a supermarket car park I think they can't be rolled out too soon.

The impacts on employment of drivers might be horrific though.

igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 12:36

And driverless cars would be great if they could be made to work. Motorways are perhaps the one type of road where they could - no pedestrians, tight bends (generally) or pedestrians. I'd happily let the car take the strain Grin

igelkott2021 · 09/08/2021 12:36

cyclists

YanTanTethera123 · 09/08/2021 12:39

@vixeyann

You are not alone. I don't drive on motorways. I learnt to drive later in life and on an Island, so smaller roads were all I knew. I drive locally for work but have never enjoyed it and leave the longer drives to my husband who does enjoy it. Don't put pressure on yourself - you drive which is more than a lot of people learn to do x
Definitely not alone. I’ve been driving for 50 years and really don’t like motorway driving at all. I would do it if I had to but I always leave it to my husband who loves driving. I can’t actually remember the last time I drove on a motorway, it’s years ago. I drive locally, I don’t enjoy it anymore and if I lived somewhere with better public transport I would probably not bother to drive at all. Good on you OP for admitting to having concerns, it’s a great pity some posters are so superior and condescending!
transformandriseup · 09/08/2021 12:39

There are no motorways in my county but I know some people who don't drive on the dual carriageway. You need to do what feels safe for you. Many people who don't suffer from any form of driving anxiety just don't understand this but it's a very real feeling.

Bythemillpond · 09/08/2021 12:39

Just watched an episode of a German series I am watching whereby 2 guys knock out a hit man with a taser and then load him into the drivers seat of his Tesla with his hands cable tied to the steering wheel and they set the Sat Nav back to where he came from Holland and the car drives off with the unconscious man at the wheel 😀

Miseryl · 09/08/2021 12:45

Maybe try motorway lessons with an instructor OP, in a dual control car? Worth a try.

Zippea · 09/08/2021 13:01

I would take a few motorway lessons at your time and pace to build up your confidence.

I’ve witnessed this in my own family and my sister will not drive on a motorway and I can see it is very limiting for her.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 09/08/2021 13:03

I don't like them either. But I live in the South West where there are none if I want to go South and one (M4) I get onto if I want to go north. In West Yorks where I am from it's very hard not to need the M62 that goes from Liverpool across via Manchester, Huddersfield, Leeds etc.

If I'm driving to say, Swindon, I can do a route that's mostly single-track 60 and takes 10 minutes longer so I do that. But no, for those asking, they aren't necessarily the easiest to drive on. Joining when busy sucks, as does trying to move lanes to take an exit when the left is clogged with lorries. My brain doesn't like making fast decisions, such as when you have to do M62, M60, M62 at Manchester and constantly change lanes at speed. Like seriously, WTF is this junction.

To just never drive on motorways.
namechangetheworld · 09/08/2021 13:04

Do what makes you comfortable. I've been driving for eighteen years and have never driven on a motorway. I have no intention of doing so either, especially with my young children in the back. It hasn't hindered my life in any way so far, although I'm lucky as our family are all fairly local and DH (who actually enjoys driving, what a weirdo) does anything long distance.

I also haven't attempted parallel parking since my driving test, ahem

Ballbagisnotmyname · 09/08/2021 13:21

Do what makes you feel comfortable, I passed in the late 80’s and motorway driving was much easier then, I no longer drive on the motorway as I hate it, but enjoy driving so I’ve managed to drive from Worcestershire to Yorkshire using a roads! My friends and family love taking the ‘scenic’ route as it’s less stressful, we all enjoy the drive then even if it takes longer!

ApplesinmyPocket · 09/08/2021 13:29

"However I do worry about unconfident drivers like yourself, they are very hazardous in the road in general. "

What patronising nonsense.

FlorenceWintle · 09/08/2021 13:38

I have exactly the same problem as you. I’m ok on my own but with other people in the car, it’s a problem. Dual carriageways and motorways, because you can’t get off or get out of the situation. It’s pure anxiety, nothing to do with driving ability or confidence.

I’m trying to over come it by doing very short trips junction-to-junction. Sometimes it’s fine and sometimes it isn’t. Im just ploughing on, hoping gradual exposure will lessen the problem.

eightlivesdown · 09/08/2021 13:54

Some people don't drive at all, some don't drive at night, some don't drive on motorways, etc. They're all limiting factors that make someone's world a bit smaller and life a bit more complicated / less convenient. As do lots of other things - many (most?) people have some sort of limitation or circumstance they have to work around.

You shouldn't feel guilty because you're unable to act as the family chauffeur, and don't be pressured into taking on this role if it's beyond you. Your family should understand / support you, and if they won't they will need to accept it.