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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
Bythemillpond · 10/08/2021 01:51

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit

Where abouts on the North Circular are you talking about
East part is really good roads, the rest is just normal driving though “towns”

I would say the South circular is worse as it is most of the time a huge traffic jam.

Sobeyondthehills · 10/08/2021 06:13

I use to love the motorway and going fast down it, but as I have gotten older I try and avoid them, DP once made a comment that it was going to take 4 times as long going the route I want, I told him if he disagreed he can get his driving license.

Its not the same feeling, that you get I dont think, but its come on, in the last few years especially when I had a child.

My mum is the same and wont drive on them at all,

garlictwist · 10/08/2021 06:21

I used to be like this. It wasn't the motorway that bothered me but the joining it that I found awful.

I avoided them for years and then decided that it was really stupid and limiting so practiced. After a few times of doing it it was fine and now I wonder what I was so bothered about.

I think it's like anything - you just have to get some experience.

Oblomov21 · 10/08/2021 06:36

I actually think this is a problem and at least you should have some more lessons. And also address the route cause, think about what is causing it, maybe some counselling?

Because this is not proper driving and you are not fit to drive. Not 100%, not properly. Dual carriageways I consider standard driving. Normal, common. What if you get diverted onto the motorway by police, as a diversion.

I've always thought, and Having just taught Ds1, I do feel that the way we learn to drive, passing out test and only then going on motorways is very wrong.

Oblomov21 · 10/08/2021 06:45

"I can't drive on fast wide roads, even when they are mostly empty."

Then at least take some lessons. Say exactly this, explain to the instructor what you've said on this thread, that you are autistic, with very bad anxiety. And surely if they are caring and understanding, they can plan and help, say 6 lessons to try and overcome this.

bunnybuggs · 10/08/2021 06:58

I have been driving for 50 years and during my working life I used all sorts of roads to get to work (I was contracting) or on holiday. The last few years I have been unable to even contemplate driving on motorways or fast roads or driving at night. So I don't.
No-one should judge you for avoiding situations that make you stressed and unsafe on the road. Your life, your choice.

The licence to drive just gives you the right to drive on all roads - but no-one is forcing you to do so.
You could try going on roads when they are quiet with a professional instructor to see if you can improve.
Is your car a good comfortable safe one ?- do you feel relaxed in it as far as possible.

Try an automatic as they are much easier to drive.

MargosKaftan · 10/08/2021 07:40

@intothewoodss - if there is money for extra driving lessons, then your DH should have them.

The problem is his family want you to visit and neither of you are capable of driving there. The issue is both can't do it. Why is it framed that you are the one to put the work in to fix this?

If there is no medical reason for him not to drive, then he should learn. The benefit he has is you can drive so between his formal lessons, you can sit in the car with him and supervise his practice. (Or anyone with a licence can do that).

It would be much easier to fix his lack of driving licence than try to fix your issues with motorway driving.

RampantIvy · 10/08/2021 07:53

I find this thread rather depressing in that there are so many nervous drivers out there.

I know of older women - past retirement age, who only drove locally, but this was because their husbands wouldn't let them do any long distance driving. Then when the husband was ill or incapacitated in any way they were stuffed.

Both DH and I drive, and we always split long journeys between us. He has memory issues due to a stroke so he does the easy bit, which is motorway driving Smile, and I do all the fiddly roads following a satnav as well as motorway driving.

TheGenealogist · 10/08/2021 07:57

If you can drive on the North Circular, you can drive anywhere imo!

Completely agree! Hangar Lane is just terrifying. In fact that whole bit between Ikea and Hangar Lane.

PopcornMuncher · 10/08/2021 08:00

If you're not comfortable driving on motorways I wouldn't do it. A non confident driver on a motorway is a bad thing. Fuck the judgement from others. They don't get a say. As for your DH, you can do more driving than he can so he can stop with the being "disappointed " in you.

There are always alternatives to motorways due to there being vehicles who are not allowed to use them like tractors/bikes/ learner drivers etc

tothelakes · 10/08/2021 08:07

I don't like motorways although I do use them.
There are certain routes I avoid like the M25 which I hate with a passion and take A roads. Often when the traffic is heavy anyway, it doesn't take that much longer.

Bunnycat101 · 10/08/2021 09:03

My issue isn’t speed but it is joining. I had built up my confidence just before lockdown started but I’m now back again. I had a long break when I didn’t drive when I lived in London and it took me a while to build up my confidence again. I have no issues with speed but I still find it nerve racking joining because I over-think. The things I’ve found that have helped have been baby steps but also picking really quiet times. So for you, If you want to build confidence, I’d go at 5am and just practice being on for one or two junctions then you wouldn’t have the pressure of a long journey.

MagnoliaBeige · 10/08/2021 09:08

Stick to what you’re comfortable with and everyone else can sod off. I’m a confident driver in certain situations and not others so I largely only drive when/where I feel safe to do so.

I also find as I get older, my confidence is lessening and I cannot be bothered with the speed and aggression on motorways any more. It’s got worse since lockdown where I live and so I’m happy with limiting when and where I want to drive.

Bythemillpond · 10/08/2021 09:22

TheGenealogist

If you can drive on the North Circular, you can drive anywhere imo

Completely agree! Hangar Lane is just terrifying. In fact that whole bit between Ikea and Hangar Lane

I think the trick for Hanger Lane is to know your exit.
When I drive around there I have in my minds eye what the exit I need looks like and I think I have driven round there so many times I know which lane I need to be in for which exit so it has become automatic.

I drive a lwb high top van and my terror in driving is tiny narrow streets where people park on each side of the road.
I don’t think I have ever been nervous of driving anywhere but if it is an unfamiliar address I do look up on streetview to see if I can get my van down the road then look around to see where I can park and then walk if when I get there the width between cars is too narrow

saraclara · 10/08/2021 10:36

Joining the motorway is a give way line. If there isnt a space to access you stop and wait, just as you would at any other give way line on any other roads. I genuinely think people actually dont realise it's a give way line!

You can't stop and wait! That's horrifically dangerous to those already on the motorway (it's impossible to join safely at a low speed. Existing traffic would have to slam on their brakes to avoid you which could cause a pile up!) and those behind you in the slip road who you have made it impossible for them to join at a safe speed.

Seriously, that is TERRIBLE unsafe advice.

CatMuffin · 10/08/2021 10:46

It's people who are confident beyond their capabilities or confident and aggressive with it we are all more at risk of. Not people who drive where they are confident to drive.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 10/08/2021 11:33

@saraclara

Joining the motorway is a give way line. If there isnt a space to access you stop and wait, just as you would at any other give way line on any other roads. I genuinely think people actually dont realise it's a give way line!

You can't stop and wait! That's horrifically dangerous to those already on the motorway (it's impossible to join safely at a low speed. Existing traffic would have to slam on their brakes to avoid you which could cause a pile up!) and those behind you in the slip road who you have made it impossible for them to join at a safe speed.

Seriously, that is TERRIBLE unsafe advice.

Exactly! This is why the first time as a recent passer is so scary - when you're trying to "match the speed" and there's a small space. It doesn't feel natural to essentially slot into a fast-moving lane of traffic.
Dreamstate · 10/08/2021 11:40

And to add to your point if people knew how to drive on the motorway properly the cars already on it should move to the second lane everytime there is an upcoming slip road to allow cars to join! The number of cars that refuse to move because mostly they are too scared to move lanes.

That's why there are clear signs showing you that there is a slip road joining up ahead so you have enough time to move the feck over. Then those who need to join can do so safely!

saraclara · 10/08/2021 11:45

What helped me be more confident about joining a motorway, was realising that it wasn't just down to me. That people on the motorway already can actually see me and respond to what I'm doing. So yes, if I'm at the point of no return and that car in the first lane seems uncomfortably near, that driver is actually aware of me and will slow down a tad to let me in, even if they can't actually move over.

Prior to that, I'd seen the traffic already there as somehow driverless and uncontrollable, and that it was all down to me.

saraclara · 10/08/2021 11:46

@CatMuffin

It's people who are confident beyond their capabilities or confident and aggressive with it we are all more at risk of. Not people who drive where they are confident to drive.
I'm far from convinced that the poster who said, quite seriously, that she rarely gets out of second gear, is confident and safe to drive anywhere.
LolaSmiles · 10/08/2021 12:58

It's people who are confident beyond their capabilities or confident and aggressive with it we are all more at risk of. Not people who drive where they are confident to drive

Why does it have to be either or?

Over confident drivers are a problem. Few people would disagree.
So are over hesitant drivers who seem to only be capable of driving on set roads and any deviation from that sends them into a tailspin.

People will have preferences when driving (eg. They may prefer to avoid long motorway drives, or prefer to avoid driving on country lanes, or prefer to avoid driving in cities), but if someone genuinely cannot drive safely across a range of situations without having some of the reactions outlined on this thread then I highly doubt they're as competent behind the wheel as they think.

Aprilx · 10/08/2021 13:52

OP I have some empathy with you, I also dislike motorway driving and will avoid it and take A roads if I can, even if DH is driving. I also think your in laws are cheeky, I cannot imagine mine commenting on my driving habits! But how can it take 9hours 5 minutes to drive 200 miles? Confused

MrsDThomas · 10/08/2021 14:02

I’ve been driving for 26 years and never driven on a motorway. No need to, i live 1.5 hours from the nearest one,

DH does most of the driving as he gets bored sitting doing nothing.

Killahangilion · 10/08/2021 15:08

@saraclara
I'm embarrassed to be female right now. I bet there's not a man alive (who's passed his test) who is scared to get on a dual carriageway or to venture beyond a tiny radius of home.

I’m laughing so hard, I’ll have a coronary in a minute.

Yes, men are so amazingly fantastic at driving that it’s so strange that they cause a far greater percentage of car accidents than women do!

DrDetriment · 10/08/2021 15:12

OP I do sympathise and feeling like that must be horrid. However I think YABU. If you aren't confident or safe to drive on 'fast roads' then you aren't confident or safe enough to be on the road at all. So either get some more lessons or get your DH to learn as you are putting other road users at risk.