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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
Elouera · 09/08/2021 09:47

There are several thing that can be done.

  • DH having 'a few' lessons as a teen is very different to learning as an adult! He should try again and tell his parents to f@ck off. Is he on meds for his attention? Has he asked his GP/specialist about meds to help concentration?
  • You need more lessons, specifically for motorway driving, combined with hypnotherapry and/or CBT to help rationalise your fears
  • What things do you have to keep the kids entertained in the car? Could you get a tablet with their favourite show and tuck it behind the seat infront? Toys or travel games?
SoupDragon · 09/08/2021 09:48

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive.

Would a story CD keep them quiet? It worked like magic on my 3 (although none had autism).

I can't say I enjoy driving on motorways but I'm glad I persisted with it as it does make life easier. I do feel the stress in my neck and I can feel my shoulders hunching up around my ears when I do it though.

CrotchetyQuaver · 09/08/2021 09:48

My daughter struggled with motorways (scared) and would drive miles in detours to avoid them. One day she suggested I came out with her and she drove and I "supported" her. She's ok now up to a point age 27.

You have to do what's best for you, but as you know your limiting your options. TBH if the staycations mean they're absolutely rammed like they were last Friday when we ventured out long distance to buy a new car for my dad then it's going to be quicker on the A roads anyway!
There should always be a non motorway route available anyway. You might need an old school road map and a navigator in the passenger seat to find that route though.

Notagain20 · 09/08/2021 09:48

@intothewoodss

I'm wondering how if it's more claustrophobia than agoraphobia. Either way it's a phobia that goes beyond simply not liking driving.
A lot of people start out feeling panicky on fast roads because of feeling out of control - not being able to pull over or stop easily. Motorway lessons are great for learning how to feel fully in control and safe at speed.
potter5 · 09/08/2021 09:50

I was like this. 30 years driving. Never had cause to drive on a motorway. Until I got a new job.
My new friend is Susan the SatNav lady.
She practically drives the car for me in terms of where do I go.

Use Susan!

wishing3 · 09/08/2021 09:50

I’m the same with motorways and busier dual carriageways OP. I just try and frame it in my mind as a positive that I got myself driving at all, rather than negative that I don’t drive all roads. Your family sound thoughtless in this case.

Ozanj · 09/08/2021 09:50

It’s all well and good people telling you to ignore your family etc etc but what would you do if one of the roads within your preferred driving radius became a dual (or more) carriageway? That would reduce your world down even more.

I agree you should get more driving lessons. There are lessons that are targetted for people with ASD or other SEN so if available try them. My nephew has ASD was just like you about fast roads and with specialist lessons and therapy can now drive anywhere but it took effort.

DistrustfulDinosaur · 09/08/2021 09:51

I think it's fine, I'd rather encounter a driver who knows their limits and acknowledges the importance of fully concentrating on the road, than someone racing about messing around on a mobile phone whilst driving. Overconfidence causes more serious accidents than cautious driving. Some people are natural drivers, but lots of people aren't and it takes time to build up confidence, there's no shame in that.

I would say if you're an anxious person in general, it would probably be more useful to speak to GP about possible therapy to help rather than jumping straight into more lessons. It sounds you could use some strategies to help stay calm in the car, and it's not that you don't understand how dual carriageways/motorways work or how to operate a car.

Coachradley · 09/08/2021 09:51

My mother and aunt don’t drive on motorways either. I think that’s quite common. I haven’t passed my test but the idea of driving on the motorway terrifies me.

Ivy48 · 09/08/2021 09:51

Something like a pass plus course may help? They do motorway driving etc. Otherwise just plan to avoid motorways, Waze is a fab satnav app, you can amend your routes to avoid motorways I did this when driving a S a
Learned but fab to know this is an option

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:52

@TheBurmundseyIndustrialEstate

I do understand that you are fearful of doing something new, I am driving abroad for the first time this summer and am terrified of it. Actually though there are a lot more accidents on slower roads than motorways because there are more potential hazards there such as cars reversing out, pedestrians, junctions etc. whereas motorways are where I relax, the car becomes just like a stop/ go machine and it’s an easier drive. I drive a lot, sometimes late at night and my car is the only car on the motorway for miles and miles. I think if you book a lesson with an instructor just for that it might be a good idea if you want the freedom to venture further with your driving, I think you can overcome this.
My neurodivergent brain can't cope with it being stop/go though. That's part of the problem. My brain goes 'so you're going to just drive along this road for an hour... ok what shall we freak out about first?'
OP posts:
Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:53

@DistrustfulDinosaur

I think it's fine, I'd rather encounter a driver who knows their limits and acknowledges the importance of fully concentrating on the road, than someone racing about messing around on a mobile phone whilst driving. Overconfidence causes more serious accidents than cautious driving. Some people are natural drivers, but lots of people aren't and it takes time to build up confidence, there's no shame in that.

I would say if you're an anxious person in general, it would probably be more useful to speak to GP about possible therapy to help rather than jumping straight into more lessons. It sounds you could use some strategies to help stay calm in the car, and it's not that you don't understand how dual carriageways/motorways work or how to operate a car.

Mate, I am an autistic woman approaching middle age. Believe me when I say I have an absolute wealth of experience of anxiety interventions.
OP posts:
potoftea · 09/08/2021 09:53

I know exactly how you feel, unfortunately it affects my day to day life, as I feel sick driving on urban roads where you can't change direction, like a one way street.
I don't think it's the motorway that's your problem, it's anxiety, so no amount of lessons will help. Treatment for anxiety might.
I do feel better if I ensure I have everything I could possibly need, in the car. Water, food, blanket or coat, and something to wee in if I really had too. I try to remind myself that the car is a bit of home on wheels really, and as long as I'm in it, I'm safe.

TheGenealogist · 09/08/2021 09:53

Please stay off the motorway / dual carriageway.

You are clearly not safe to be there. You might be able to gain the confidence and skills to allow you to drive safely. But only with the desire to do so and professional guidance.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:54

@potter5

I was like this. 30 years driving. Never had cause to drive on a motorway. Until I got a new job. My new friend is Susan the SatNav lady. She practically drives the car for me in terms of where do I go.

Use Susan!

I know where to go. I have an above average sense of direction. That's one perk of my particular neurotype.

DH on the other hand, has absolutely no sense of direction whatsoever.

OP posts:
SummerSaladsAreBack · 09/08/2021 09:56

I can't see that it is anyone's business but yours where you drive your car! If you prefer not to drive on motorways and to stick to a thirty mile radius from home then surely that is your choice.

I'm a confident driver but I frequently take the train or coach for longer journeys due to the boredom factor of long motorway drives. I'd rather spend the time reading a book on the train instead.

Just drive where you wish to OP!

JengaCupboard · 09/08/2021 09:57

I drive A LOT for my job; predominately motorway mileage. I see huge quantities of people miss-using motorways either due to lack of confidence or lack of knowledge and frankly it creates a dangerous situation for themselves and other people.

I would honestly say that if you're not feeling safe and confident then there is absolutely no issue in you choosing not to, and it's highly likely to be the safer option all round.

Conversely as motorway tuition doesn't generally form part of the test, I was a driver for several years before I ventured onto the motorway, as I had created it to be such a massive deal in my mind, literally through lack of experience. But I soon adjusted, and for lots of reasons, correct use of motorways can actually be much safer than country/A/B routes. Ultimately do what works for you, and don't feel pressured.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:00

@SummerSaladsAreBack

I can't see that it is anyone's business but yours where you drive your car! If you prefer not to drive on motorways and to stick to a thirty mile radius from home then surely that is your choice.

I'm a confident driver but I frequently take the train or coach for longer journeys due to the boredom factor of long motorway drives. I'd rather spend the time reading a book on the train instead.

Just drive where you wish to OP!

The issue is that our wider families all live over 90 miles away, so it's very difficult for us to visit them on public transport, especially the in laws who all live over 200 miles away in rural villages.

DH and I live in a town with a 45 minute commute to London so generally we are really well served by the public transport network but our in laws aren't. And they look to me to facilitate the contact between us by driving my family up there. And I just... can't. Tbh my DS wouldn't cope that long in a car anyway.

OP posts:
Auntienumber8 · 09/08/2021 10:03

If you feel that unsafe then of course you should not drive on motorways. Motorway driving is actually much safer than any other type of road if you look at accident stats. Rural roads are the worst with urban in the middle.

Motorway accidents tend to attract national news attention.

I would question why they want you to drive these distances? Is it because they want you to visit them?

MurielSpriggs · 09/08/2021 10:04

The issue is that our wider families all live over 90 miles away, so it's very difficult for us to visit them on public transport, especially the in laws who all live over 200 miles away in rural villages.

Have you tried plotting a route on single-carriageway roads?

FictionalCharacter · 09/08/2021 10:04

Please don't listen to them. You have no obligation to drive long distance or on main roads.

It's worrying that you have had panic attacks at the wheel. Frankly I don't think that such a nervous driver, with so many worries about driving and distracted by very noisy children, should be driving at all. But if you are going to continue driving, it makes sense to stick to your known routes that you're comfortable with.

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 09/08/2021 10:05

I would question whether you should be driving at all. It sounds like you’re a danger to other road users. I wonder whether extra lessons would help and your husband should be learning so he can share the load.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:06

@MurielSpriggs

The issue is that our wider families all live over 90 miles away, so it's very difficult for us to visit them on public transport, especially the in laws who all live over 200 miles away in rural villages.

Have you tried plotting a route on single-carriageway roads?

Yes. It would take 9 hours and 5 minutes, according to Google Maps.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 09/08/2021 10:06

but our in laws aren't. And they look to me to facilitate the contact between us by driving my family up there

That isn’t your problem to solve. I would be livid with their attitude and never want to visit them! Why don’t they hassle their son to learn instead of you?!

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:07

@EleanorOlephantisjustfine

I would question whether you should be driving at all. It sounds like you’re a danger to other road users. I wonder whether extra lessons would help and your husband should be learning so he can share the load.
Clean license, 8 year no claims bonus, PCP cars all hand3d back in perfect condition, but yeah, let's all demonise the crazy lady.
OP posts: