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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
spongedod · 09/08/2021 10:26

@Lumpwoody

But no one gets lessons on a motorway *@Lulu1919* because learners aren’t allowed on them?

They have been able to for 3 years. With a qualified instructor only.

Auntienumber8 · 09/08/2021 10:27

I suggest your DH and his parents may like to make a contribution buy extra car seats and get them delivered to his parents house and you hire a car whilst there which he funds. It makes the trip expensive but if their knickers are in so much of a twist they can fund it all between them.

No idea what your personality type is like op but if I had a non driving DH have a go at me for my lack of a skill when he doesn’t have it himself and actually can’t drive at all he would get both barrels.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:27

@DivaVergent

Current DVLA regulations state that 'you must tell DVLA if you have and ASC, including Asperger Syndrome, and it affects your driving'

www.gov.uk/asc-and-driving

I think it would help you to check this out so that you can see if your specific circumstances would affect your insurance or make you liable for a fine. I had to go through this myself.

Yes I declared it. I am cleared to drive.
OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 09/08/2021 10:28

How often do all those moaning people travel that distance to visit you?

If it’s DH’s family-tell him to make it plain to them that you simply won’t be doing it. If he disagrees and thinks you should try-I would have HUGE amounts to say to him!!

Lumpwoody · 09/08/2021 10:29

@spongedod that’s not in all parts of the uk. I’m not in England and so the laws here are different. I didn’t realise England was different.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:29

@spongedod

I'm autistic too and I have found over the years that sometimes it's easier to accept my limitations. Nobody should be judging you on how a disability affects you, especially your family - that's really awful of them. Sometimes we just have to say 'no, that's not for me' and others don't get to have an opinion. The idea that some beta blockers/anxiety counselling/extra lessons will make any difference here is just highlighting the lack of understanding of how autism can affect a person.

I no longer go to the supermarket alone. I can do it if I'm really pushed, just as you can drive a motorway, but it makes me feel so bad I am happy not to do it. It's the same thing.

I can do the supermarket alone, if I wear my noise reducing ear plugs and go when it's quiet. Lockdown was super hard for me because it was always so busy and I can't wear a mask due to PTSD (i was assaulted with a hand over my mouth).

I am taking DS to the supermarket shortly actually, he wants some coloured pens.

OP posts:
IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/08/2021 10:31

I don't think it's unreasonable to not do anything that actively makes you very panicky! As you know panic attacks feel very frightening and hideous to experience.

But...

A few points:

Any anxiety (phobia/s are an anxiety disorder) is maintained by a cycle of avoidance - essentially for most people, it worsens... So the 'I hate motorways so I won't drive on motorways etc etc.... So your self talk about fear about motorway driving increases / negative thoughts about actually driving on a motorway.. So then it makes the feeling of anxiety about driving worse etc.. In your particular case, your worries about your DC and your ASD and the noise makes the whole cycle stronger and more aversive...

But... If you want to avoid 9 hour journeys... I would definitely consider a combination of CBT, and motorway driving lessons...

Usually driving phobia is treated successfully.

You'll probably never love motorway driving but it will become a lot let aversive and you cna do some seriously fun trips.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:31

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm autistic and just said that I 'don't like' driving on motorways. Because somehow showing that I have good insight into my issues means I am more of a risk than someone who blanket statement says they won't drive motorways with no reasoning at all.

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 09/08/2021 10:32

@Lulu1919

I live in a county with no motorways ...so had no lessons on them ....I'm ok I wouldn't not use them but I'm happier off them ...dual carriageway I'm fine
Mmm I think you can now ...my niece certainly did ?
spongedod · 09/08/2021 10:33

[quote Lumpwoody]@spongedod that’s not in all parts of the uk. I’m not in England and so the laws here are different. I didn’t realise England was different.[/quote]
Im not in England either.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/08/2021 10:33

Apologies o cross posted with your last post.

Your PTSD probably makes it more difficult to drive and would be something you may want to discuss if you decide on CBT sessions

Lumpwoody · 09/08/2021 10:34

As I said @Lulu1919 not in the part of the uk I’m in 😊. I didn’t realise this was a thing.

spongedod · 09/08/2021 10:34

@intothewoodss

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that I'm autistic and just said that I 'don't like' driving on motorways. Because somehow showing that I have good insight into my issues means I am more of a risk than someone who blanket statement says they won't drive motorways with no reasoning at all.

I think the comment about the DVLA was a really low blow tbh. Choosing which roads to drive is absolutely fine and many many NT people do this too.

Lumpwoody · 09/08/2021 10:34

You still can’t do it here. I’ve checked. (And my youngest only passed their test before the first lockdown and they definitely didn’t do it!)

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:37

I'm taking away lots of positives from this thread, so thanks a lot for those.

Sadly, as I suspected, there's stigma around too regarding my neurodiversity and my mental health. But I am taking DS out to buy some coloured pens in a minute, and I might even treat us to a bag of doughnuts. And yes, we are driving.

OP posts:
milcal · 09/08/2021 10:41

I totally get how you feel and how it affects your driving. Most people just jump in the car and head to where they are going without thinking about it. Having anxiety when driving to somewhere new means planning ahead and working out the best route yet avoiding motorways and dual carriageways. It's stressful and tiring.

Enjoy your day out today 😊

Howshouldibehave · 09/08/2021 10:43

@intothewoodss what do you plan to do with regards to family members saying you should make these journeys?

TuesdayRuby · 09/08/2021 10:44

There is an option on Google Maps to “avoid motorways” so it’s quite possible to drive everywhere and not have to go on one!
If you’re happier keeping to slower routes, just do that. TBH a nervous, slow driver on a motorway is dangerous for all the road users.

Don’t feel pressured to change - you do you!

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:45

[quote Howshouldibehave]@intothewoodss what do you plan to do with regards to family members saying you should make these journeys?[/quote]
I'll refer them to DH.

OP posts:
NigellasGuest · 09/08/2021 10:46

I will always take a motorway rather than a scary A or B road with one Lane, and crazies overtaking or taking bends too fast. I'm always stressed about head on collisions.

Each to their own, if you hate motorways then that's your business and you shouldn't be pressurised by other people. Your car your rules - you are literally the one in the driving seat!

minatrina · 09/08/2021 10:48

No motorways in my area either, and I passed my test first time last year having never driven on anything more than one quiet rural dual carriageway, as it's the only one round here. For this reason I have never gone on motorways and likely never will! I would avoid most dual carriageways too. Why push myself to do something that I'm not comfortable with, and possibly put myself and other drivers at risk due to my nerves/inexperience?

Many of my relatives have the exact same experience and also will never drive on motorways. Not really an issue as there's no motorways round here anyway, and anywhere far enough away that would require a motorway I'd just get the train to. I enjoy getting the train and it's much better for the environment anyway so no harm done imo 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP, don't let people push you to do anything you're not comfortable with, especially where driving is concerned!

Tanfastic · 09/08/2021 10:49

Same op, I'll happily drive round town but I've a massive phobia of driving on the motorway. I've seen these kind of threads before on here though and I've not read all the replies but I expect someone will come along/has come along and will say you shouldn't be on the road if you can't drive on the motorway and you're a little bit pathetic etc etc, blah blah, I've had the same said too my face over the years. I just tell them to fuck off.

DistrustfulDinosaur · 09/08/2021 10:49

To be fair driving threads on her generally illustrate some pretty odd beliefs, so I would try not to take it to heart. If you haven't mastered parking perfectly straight and central in a bay first time after your first lesson, then you have no business owning a car! Wink It's laughable that some posters are suggesting you're a bad driver for not driving on motorways, even though you've been on the roads for 8 years and not had an accident in that time and have a clean license!

In the real world, most people would just tell you to keep doing what you feel comfortable with and think it's admirable that you've learnt a skill which adds to the quality of life for you and your family. If your in laws want to meet up, then they'll have to look at meeting you halfway or travelling to see you for now.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 10:51

@DistrustfulDinosaur

To be fair driving threads on her generally illustrate some pretty odd beliefs, so I would try not to take it to heart. If you haven't mastered parking perfectly straight and central in a bay first time after your first lesson, then you have no business owning a car! Wink It's laughable that some posters are suggesting you're a bad driver for not driving on motorways, even though you've been on the roads for 8 years and not had an accident in that time and have a clean license!

In the real world, most people would just tell you to keep doing what you feel comfortable with and think it's admirable that you've learnt a skill which adds to the quality of life for you and your family. If your in laws want to meet up, then they'll have to look at meeting you halfway or travelling to see you for now.

I'm shit hot at parking Grin
OP posts:
Tanfastic · 09/08/2021 10:52

@DistrustfulDinosaur

To be fair driving threads on her generally illustrate some pretty odd beliefs, so I would try not to take it to heart. If you haven't mastered parking perfectly straight and central in a bay first time after your first lesson, then you have no business owning a car! Wink It's laughable that some posters are suggesting you're a bad driver for not driving on motorways, even though you've been on the roads for 8 years and not had an accident in that time and have a clean license!

In the real world, most people would just tell you to keep doing what you feel comfortable with and think it's admirable that you've learnt a skill which adds to the quality of life for you and your family. If your in laws want to meet up, then they'll have to look at meeting you halfway or travelling to see you for now.

Same, I've driven for years, never had an accident that was my fault (always someone else not paying attention).

I think there's a difference between not being able to drive on the motorway, I mean I know how it works of course I do, and I'm sure I could do it but the thought terrifies me.

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