Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just never drive on motorways.

229 replies

intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 09:29

I struggle on roads with more than one carriageway, fast roads basically, usually because they are roads that I can't stop on, or pull off, so it's more of an agoraphobic feeling than a simple hating driving feeling.

I have two small children who make a lot of noise in the car, especially my son who is autistic and can get very loud and aggressive. In my head this builds into a kind of crescendo and I have had panic attacks at the wheel while driving my children before.

Family members want me to take some more lessons with an instructor but I don't really see how that would help, since they can't change the fact that I can't get off the roads that I have to drive fast on.

DH doesn't drive, he had a few lessons as a teenager but they were disastrous, he crashed the car in one of them. He also had inattentive ADHD and is unable to pay attention to the road.

Driving around my local area, within a twenty mile radius, I am fine. I know all the roads and routes that I can safely take.

I am on the autistic spectrum, so it's a lot harder for me to change my feelings and my habits than for a neurotypical person. I have tried though, I have tried taking the car out on my own and doing a short stretch of motorway close to my home, and a dual carriageway A road near my home. Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

I know that family members, particularly my in laws, really judge me for not pushing myself to drive these distances. My husband doesn't judge me but he is disappointed I think that I am not able to take us further afield.

Sometimes I think I'm not trying hard enough, but sometimes like today I just think should I be making myself petrified constantly just because of the opinions of others?

OP posts:
Lumpwoody · 09/08/2021 10:53

I’m absolutely shit at parallel parking 😂

thereisonlyoneofme · 09/08/2021 10:55

I dont drive on Smart motorways, did it once and was terrified of breaking down. Im much more comfortable on an A or B road,

EleanorOlephantisjustfine · 09/08/2021 10:55

@intothewoodss I’m not demonising anyone. You said you were so panicky that you had to stop and that you panic every single time.

The fact that you have no points and give back a tidy pcp car is irrelevant. From what you’ve described you are a danger to other road users and should not be driving.

SoupDragon · 09/08/2021 11:06

Well I'm sorry that someone being terrified made you feel tired. Jesus, and they say autistics aren't able to empathise...

That poster said that they get terrified on motorways but have to do it and that it is tiresome when they always have to be the one who does it because the colleague simply says that they don't drive on motorways.

spongedod · 09/08/2021 11:07

[quote EleanorOlephantisjustfine]@intothewoodss I’m not demonising anyone. You said you were so panicky that you had to stop and that you panic every single time.

The fact that you have no points and give back a tidy pcp car is irrelevant. From what you’ve described you are a danger to other road users and should not be driving.[/quote]

OP is not dangerous if she chooses not to use the roads that she is wary of. Sensible I would say.

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 11:09

Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

Sounds as if you shouldn't be driving at all.

vixeyann · 09/08/2021 11:10

You are not alone. I don't drive on motorways. I learnt to drive later in life and on an Island, so smaller roads were all I knew. I drive locally for work but have never enjoyed it and leave the longer drives to my husband who does enjoy it. Don't put pressure on yourself - you drive which is more than a lot of people learn to do x

PollyGray · 09/08/2021 11:13

@intothewoodss

I am very similar to you about motorways and unfamiliar journeys; also autistic. In the past I would do anything to avoid driving on unfamiliar roads/routes or motorways and if unavoidable I have had to ask ex DH to drive me there beforehand so I could then do it myself. Even now I'm totally thrown if I am going somewhere using sat nav and there is a diversion. I've driven home before now, rather than take the diversion as it's not 'in the plan'. And I've also had to pull over and had full on panic attack.

Extreme I know, but I get it.

SoupDragon · 09/08/2021 11:15

@ActonSquirrel

Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

Sounds as if you shouldn't be driving at all.

Don't be ridiculous.
DistrustfulDinosaur · 09/08/2021 11:18

OP is not dangerous if she chooses not to use the roads that she is wary of. Sensible I would say. Exactly. I'm curious to know how these posters approach teaching their child a new skill when they find it doesn't come naturally to them. If a useful lifeskill like riding a bike makes them nervous and they fall off a few times, should they just be told to stop trying?

PollyGray · 09/08/2021 11:20

Oh and I'm also shit hot at parallel parking @intothewoodss Grin

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 11:24

We have returned from Morrison's, with all limbs in tact.

OP posts:
saleorbouy · 09/08/2021 11:28

If you can't handle driving on all types of road you should get professional lessons to show you how to drive and teach you lane drill on a motorway or hand in your license. Driving is not for everyone so don't think you have to do it.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 11:28

@ActonSquirrel

Every single time I panic. One time I panicked so much that I had to stick my hazards on and stop, which is ironic because that was probably more dangerous than driving along the road in the first place.

Sounds as if you shouldn't be driving at all.

This is what I call The Priti Patel brand of empathy.
OP posts:
Killahangilion · 09/08/2021 11:29

@intothewoodss
Ignore the twatty posters and your wider family, they’re not you.

It’s perfectly fine to stick to driving locally and catch taxis, buses and trains for longer journeys.

My DH doesn’t like driving and he really struggles driving locally. I like driving and so I do 99.9999% of our driving. He drove to the pharmacy for me once for my migraine pills about 4 years ago and hasn’t driven since. It’s no big deal. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DistrustfulDinosaur · 09/08/2021 11:37

If you can't handle driving on all types of road you should get professional lessons to show you how to drive and teach you lane drill on a motorway or hand in your license. Driving is not for everyone so don't think you have to do it. Fortunately judging other people's competency to drive isn't for everyone, which is why it's probably best left to professionals at the DVSA rather than randoms on the internet. But I'm sure you're in a better position to judge someone's driving that you've never even seen better than the professional who awarded the licence Wink Also there's no time limit on how long you need to take to master motorway driving etc, or in fact any law saying you have to drive on them at all.

ActonSquirrel · 09/08/2021 11:41

This is what I call The Priti Patel brand of empathy.

You're driving a lethal weapon whilst terrified to do so. You think you'll get a pat on the back and a kind word.

CatMuffin · 09/08/2021 11:43

Yanbu. You don't have to if you don't want to. It's more eco friendly to use public transport anyway

nightfairy · 09/08/2021 11:46

It is just these multi lane roads that I can't get off that I just seem unable to cope on.

I am the same.

Believe me when I say I have an absolute wealth of experience of anxiety interventions.

Also.

YANBU. People who don't understand won't understand.

Original poster
intothewoodss · 09/08/2021 11:47

@DistrustfulDinosaur

If you can't handle driving on all types of road you should get professional lessons to show you how to drive and teach you lane drill on a motorway or hand in your license. Driving is not for everyone so don't think you have to do it. Fortunately judging other people's competency to drive isn't for everyone, which is why it's probably best left to professionals at the DVSA rather than randoms on the internet. But I'm sure you're in a better position to judge someone's driving that you've never even seen better than the professional who awarded the licence Wink Also there's no time limit on how long you need to take to master motorway driving etc, or in fact any law saying you have to drive on them at all.
I qualified before motorway driving was even permitted for learners
OP posts:
Zilla1 · 09/08/2021 11:51

If you are reasonably sure that familiarity would not help manage your anxiety, OP, hence driving on a motorway early on a Sunday when quiet many times wouldn't make a difference even with an instructor then it sounds like you understand the boundaries of your safe driving capabilities and manage accordingly. Interesting your ILs try and judge you but presumably not their son. Perhaps he needs to put them back in their box the next time they say anything and point out you have learned to drive to ferry him and his DC around when he wasn't able to.

Good luck.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 09/08/2021 11:52

Yanbu at all. I love a motorway myself but it is not for everyone. If you dont like it, there is always another route.
And focus on that. Despite not liking driving and having a car full of critics, you are happy to drive to x. Tell yourself and others that.

godmum56 · 09/08/2021 11:57

@DistrustfulDinosaur

OP is not dangerous if she chooses not to use the roads that she is wary of. Sensible I would say. Exactly. I'm curious to know how these posters approach teaching their child a new skill when they find it doesn't come naturally to them. If a useful lifeskill like riding a bike makes them nervous and they fall off a few times, should they just be told to stop trying?
Well done! I don't like driving on motorways so I don't do it. Where I live there are also a few really nasty A roads...should be widened because they carry loads of HGV's but won't be. Every single person in the world has things they can't do/deal with and anyone who thinks otherwise can do one. I don't think children should be TOLD to stop trying but I do think that if they chose not to carry on then that is their choice. I can't swim...I am one of those rare people who don't float. I spent many years travelling at sea with my husband and we also used to take river and canal holidays. We just took different precautions from if we were both swimmers. I can't ride a bike well either. I am slightly dispraxic and struggled as a child. As I didn't want to, I didn't pursue it...learned as an adult but was never bothered and never needed one.

I really get swimming as a safety issue btw

SoupDragon · 09/08/2021 11:57

@ActonSquirrel

This is what I call The Priti Patel brand of empathy.

You're driving a lethal weapon whilst terrified to do so. You think you'll get a pat on the back and a kind word.

Your comprehension is outstandingly poor.
Nacknick · 09/08/2021 11:58

I haven’t rtft but wanted to share my experience. My DP doesn’t drive on motorways because he has similar problem to you. He also struggles with being a passenger and for a long time the only way we could go places was if I drove (to take all the stuff and the child) and he would get the train.
Over the years we have managed to increase his tolerance to the point where we drove to the south of France 2 years ago. We did it very gently and with a lot of patience (and some diazepam!) and it took a long time for him to be happy. The pandemic has set him back again because we’ve not driven anywhere for ages.

I’m telling you this just to say, you’re not alone, other people do have this issue and there’s no shame in it. I know he finds it very hard to admit to though, so comes up with convoluted ways to avoid the problem. It’s ok to try and solve it whichever way you need to - or indeed to just avoid it.