To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

[deeplyambivalent]

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

Why are fathers being asked and not the mothers. Seems very odd to me. What about asking the grooms parents?

Yep, DH asked my dad. Obviously if he’s said no it would have made no difference to whether I would have married him but I think it’s a nice opportunity for them to bond. I’d told DH years before that I would want him to ask if he ever proposed.

No , he asked me if he should and I said absolutely not

DH didn't propose so there wouldn't have been an opportunity for him to ask my Dad as there were no pre meditated plans. DH and I were on holiday and we discussed marriage and decided it was what we wanted. I wouldn't have been aghast if he had, I'm not bothered that he didn't, it just didn't fit into how we did things.

My parents are fairly traditional and DH and I had a fairly traditional wedding, my Dad walked down the aisle with me, we got married in church, we had speeches and a first dance etc. My parents paid for the wedding so I kinda let them do it their way, I wanted to be married and celebrate with my friends, the other stuff was just details.

DH's parents didn't want him to marry me and told him so. So it's a good job I didn't ask their permission 😉

My ex spoke to my father but my father later denied that he'd “asked permission” to marry me (1988) and ignored my now-ex until we married.

When I divorced him, they chose to keep in close contact with him. I divorced him for DV. Obviously my fault.

My Dad badgered the life of my husband “Hey... I hope tha's gonna get wed to my lass don't be hanging about waiting on a formal written letter”

When we did get engaged he smirked / grinned ear to ear “Good lad! I thowt tha'd never ask!!"

We've discussed engagement and I know he's gone to inform of intent and ask my parents for their blessing to join the family but NOT their permission. That assent is mine alone to give and I told him that, so I would be annoyed if he'd asked them. He did ask my mum for some ring advice though- I'm obsessed with her engagement ring. He knows my taste but I would like a surprise and she'll be a sounding board and she also has safe the antique family wedding ring I hope to use one day, which he got shown for inspo.

My parents are of the opinion that they didn't want or need to be asked but I know they did appreciate him going round to spend a day with them and open himself up to anything they wanted to ask him without me around. I have precious little close family so the fact he has made an effort with them in his own right has meant a lot. Plus I'd told them he was coming & I'd already mentioned that I hoped to stay with him so I don't think it was a surprise, just a formality.

I would like a formal proposal; it would mean a lot to me for personal reasons, and I know he feels the same about buying a ring to ask. I certainly wouldn't "obey" in vows. I also would prefer to take myself down the aisle- it's my choice to give myself, unless it would really upset my dad; he's 87 and I'm his only. I know he might miss out on a lot of my future so if he really wants to, I'd do it for him. I would probably take DPs surname; it would mean a lot to me to do it - again possibly silly but v personal reasons- and he's higher up the alphabet than me and I think that's useful! That's me/us though. Whatever works for all of you, do that.

@Parker231

Why are fathers being asked and not the mothers. Seems very odd to me. What about asking the grooms parents?

I wonder this- my mum is the opinionated one and is probably a bit sharper elbowed than my dad about protecting their/my assets. My parents have an age gap and she's more assertive and savvy about that sort of thing! Dad's no fool and not bothered about permission but he is more into the concept of being a gentleman. I know DP spoke to them together though - as equals.

I also know DP told his dad he was going to talk to my family, more as a heads up/blessing/tell me anything now moment than permission. His DM doesn't come into it. They've not spoken properly in 2 years, only just back in v minimal contact & we've not met.

Oh dear, should I have asked my OH’s father for permission before I proposed to OH?
Neither of us are our fathers possession.

@Budsaway

I proposed to dh and didn't ask his Dad first.

Same.

Not married myself but my cousin's DH went to my aunt (who is definitely the matriarch) and uncle and told them he intended to propose beforehand. They loved him and were delighted, my aunt cried.

No, and I wouldn't have married any man that did ask. I am not a chattel to be handed from one man to another.

(And @Crunchymum I never considered changing my name and walked into the wedding ceremony with both my parents.)

No, and I personally wouldn't have married a man who felt the need to ask my dad's permission or blessing or anything else. And thankfully DH is on the same page as me so it wasn't an issue!

(Although if he had asked my dad, my dad would have told him he was asking the wrong person haha. My dad knows ❤️)

God no. And there was no " giving away" or walking down the aisle. Awful.

No, because I am not my father's property, nor am I DH's property.

No he didn’t but I - and he - wish he had. We are happily married and I’m not property but I am traditional. On our wedding day my dad gave me away and when he placed my hand in my DH’s he just said ‘look after her’ which I thought was really sweet.
My sisters DH asked my dad’s permission and it meant a lot to my dad

When women were treated as possessions as part of a contract (which included a dowry of money and property) I suspect this might have been acceptable. Now, it's a load of sexist twaddle.

If a man or woman did this to try and marry my daughter I'd tell them to jog on. None of my damn business.

I asked him, so no. But I'd have been fucking furious if either he, or my ex husband, had done this. I find it absolutely repellent.

God no. I made it clear I didn't want him to. My dad refused to meet him for the first few years of our relationship, I'd made it clear I didn't need his permission by continuing the relationship.
I walked myself down the aisle aswell.

He didn’t ask permission, but he did tell my dad he was going to ask and that he hoped that made him happy. I had no idea and didn’t expect - or want, really - him to do that at all, so when my mum told me (dad doesn’t do “emotional”) and told me how much it meant to my dad I was actually really pleased he did. Which surprised me!

Absolutely not. He hates that sort of outdated, sexist patriarchal bullshit more than I do, so there is no way he would ever do anything like that.

@catstaff

“For those you did it, what was the conversation about? Was your mum involved in the discussion? Why would doing it be respectful?”

Well, I suppose it’s just good manners and acknowledging the role the parents have had in your wife-to-be’s life. My DH mainly wanted to assure my dad that he had the right intentions and that he was financially stable and what his career plans were, etc.

This is 100% not meant as a dig, I am personally against it but understand others might like the tradition...

But My DH mainly wanted to assure my dad that he had the right intentions and that he was financially stable and what his career plans were, etc.

What does your DH's career or bank account have to do with your dad? What would he do, say no if your DH didn't have enough in the bank? And as for 'intentions' - this has the implications of "I'm not just having sex with her guv'nor" which frankly no father has the right to have a say in and I don't know why your DH would want to inform your dad he wasn't just shagging you, he actually wanted to marry you...

As I said, I probably sound very aggy about it and I don't mean to (or not to you personally), it just baffles me that anyone thinks your dad deserves to get a say in or need reassurance about these things. Did you reassure DH's parents you weren't just there for the sex and you could pay your own way? And if not, why should he have to?

If it was just "We did it as a courtesy/formality after I'd already accepted, my dad's old fashioned, my DH knows he doesn't need anyone's permission or blessing but mine" then fair enough (even if I disagree with it). But to suggest your husband had to prove something as though your dad had the keys to your future marital status is very odd to me.

Yes, not in a permission kind of way more a mark of respect/letting him know as he knows how close me and my dad are and how happy my dad would be! He knew there was no chance of my dad saying no lol. Once he proposed I found out that my mum and dad, all his friends and my two best friends all knew lol, I had no idea!

No my BIl asked before he asked my sister. Nothing was said about my husband not asking but then he proposed on holiday and it wasn't planned

Yes and we're not old either. Mid twenties. Got engaged a few years ago :)