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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
Cryalot2 · 08/08/2021 20:08

No as he didn’t meet my father until many years after we married.
I would have been alarmed if he had asked anyone. I don't belong to anyone and it was our both decisions to marry.

Lemonyfuckit · 08/08/2021 20:08

No. I think he would have done as he's fairly traditional but he knew I wouldn't want that, and also my DF would probably have been quite surprised to be asked, so he didn't. I'm of the view that, aside from of course not requiring my DF's permission, that I really ought to be the first to know if there's going to be a proposal. We of course told our parents before anyone else once we had got engaged.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 08/08/2021 20:10

No.

But my Dad did thank my DH for proposing.

😂

lovablequalities · 08/08/2021 20:12

Bil did this. He asked dh for my dad's number (bil is a pal of dh). Dh and I thought it was absolutely mortifying and weird. He did it flipping MONTHS before he asked my sister so we all knew and every time she phoned I was like "Hi! 😍😍😍" and then had to be "normal".

PercyPiginaWig · 08/08/2021 20:13

No way, I'd hope my dad would have sent him off with a flea in his ear but he's a bit of a people pleaser so he probably wouldn't have.
DH and I had never discussed marriage, when he asked me it was a surprise as we hadn't been together very long. I did say yes, and he told my parents when we went to visit them because I suddenly felt really speechless when we saw them. I think that's when it sunk in how happy I was as they were really delighted even though it was quick. They really do love him.

To @Crunchymum I didn't change my surname but my dad did walk me into the room for the ceremony, I didn't see it as him giving me away but walking me in. You've given me pause for thought though...

lking679 · 08/08/2021 20:14

No he didn’t even though I’d told him it was really expected and my parents quite old fashioned.
I told my mum about proposal and she asked if he would phone back when Dad got in and ask him, then we phone back a bit later with the good news. So in the end it was all a bit fake but worked out.
It’s not exactly the most feminist of things but the proposal was him asking me... to our family it’s a sign of respect to ask.

OldTinHat · 08/08/2021 20:14

Neither H1 or H2 did but potential H3 did but I dumped him before he could could actually ask me. Ddad, to be fair, said to him that the sentiment was nice but he knew I wasn't intending to marry again.

ConstanceGracy · 08/08/2021 20:16

Dh didn’t ask but did mention it to him and my mum first which I thought was sweet.
I knew he was going to propose just not when.

Ginger1982 · 08/08/2021 20:16

DH told my mum he was intending proposing but didn't ask permission (my dad was dead). I thought it was sweet. Mum gave me away. Each to their own.

ForeverInADay · 08/08/2021 20:17

No and I'd have been seriously outraged if he had. He knew me well enough to know that!

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/08/2021 20:18

Absolutely not. I’ve been married twice and neither time did anyone speak to my dad before speaking to me.

In a general discussion about the idea of “asking the father first” many years ago my dad said if anyone asked him he’d refuse because anyone who deserved to marry his daughter would know the only opinion that mattered was mine.

PercyPiginaWig · 08/08/2021 20:19

And yes I agree with @Lemonyfuckit I really ought to be the first to know if there's going to be a proposal and would be angry that other people knew first, or one of those cringeworthy proposals at a party or a flash mob or something and you have an audience waiting for your answer.
But then a few proposals have been politely declined.

PercyPiginaWig · 08/08/2021 20:21

I meant a few proposals have been declined by my relatives but imagine the pressure to say yes if there are people watching.

missnonames · 08/08/2021 20:22

No. My dad doesn't like dp so if he did he would be told where to stick his ring....

KingdomScrolls · 08/08/2021 20:23

DH spoke to both of my parents, not for permission but to tell them he planned to propose on Christmas morning as we were visiting them and staying the night before, my mum's response was oh no she'll hate that! (She's right) So he didn't and left it until we were on holiday a couple of months later, somewhere beautiful and private. Much more my style

KingdomScrolls · 08/08/2021 20:24

DF did say it's a good job you're not asking my permission, it's not mine to give and she's done what she's wanted for a very very long time

Alaimo · 08/08/2021 20:26

Nope. But DH also didn't propose. We discussed it and decided together. Then we each phoned our respective parents to tell them.

I also didn't want most of the other traditions. DH and I walked down the aisle together, I gave a speech on our behalf at dinner, and I've kept my own name.

PotteringAlong · 08/08/2021 20:29

Yes he did, and no my dad didn’t tell me. My dad was thrilled about the whole thing and actually, now my dad is dead, it still makes me smile thinking about it.

It didn’t make me feel like a possession and I had no issue with it.

KohlaParasanda · 08/08/2021 20:29

Around 32 years ago, my first husband and I decided we would get married. There was no proposal, it just seemed like the right thing for us to do. I was living independently by then, but I told my future husband that my parents would expect him to ask my father's permission to marry me. His own parents would have expected it too, so he wasn't surprised. I eavesdropped, and I don't know whether my future husband or my father was more embarrassed. "Kohla's an adult and she'll marry whoever she wants," Dad said, without showing any sign that he approved of me marrying this person.

With my second husband, the approval of my children and his children was more important than the views of any of our parents.

bluechameleon · 08/08/2021 20:31

Yuck, no. I wouldn't marry someone who thought this was appropriate.

Mommabear20 · 08/08/2021 20:33

Yes he did 😁🥰

Dad kept it secret but gave DH his blessing 😊

Would have been a straight no if he hadn't asked my dad first!

FazeleysRoyale · 08/08/2021 20:40

No he didn't and I would've thought it was weird in this day and age, given also that I had left home 5 years earlier.

My sister's DH did, but then she had the "obey" clause in her wedding vows, which was pretty shocking but not totally unexpected.

MilduraS · 08/08/2021 20:40

Asking a father's permission makes me irrationally angry so DH knew better than to ask my Dad. I don't have particularly strong views on most things but for some reason a lot of marriage traditions drive me up the wall. I am not someone's possession to give or take.

PinkArt · 08/08/2021 20:44

God I'd be furious if someone pulled that shit on me. With them for the misogyny and me for not having spotted it in them before that point.
My Dad's known since I was in my teens though that if anyone was to ask his permission, that the answer would be no as it would be such a sign they weren't the right person for me.

cardibach · 08/08/2021 20:47

Yes. In 1992. But my dad was hard of hearing and hadn’t actually heard, just nodded and smiled…

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