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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask if your DH asked your father before proposing

275 replies

deeplyambivalent · 08/08/2021 18:02

Prompted by another thread. Did your DH ask your father before proposing? If so, did your dad keep the secret or tip you off? Did you think it was sweet?

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 08/08/2021 20:49

Hell no, and if he had, I would have been horrified

MayorGundersonsDogRufus · 08/08/2021 20:50

No. We called my parents just after he proposed and he jokingly asked my dad's permission, to which my dad valiantly said, "well, it's not my decision, but if she's said yes, I'm delighted!" It was all very good natured and sweet.

toconclude · 08/08/2021 21:10

Of course not, how ridiculous. My father wasn't marrying him, I was. Early 1980s, so we're clear.

toconclude · 08/08/2021 21:11

Any man who thought this was remotely ok would not be a potential husband imo.

Herecomesthesun70 · 08/08/2021 21:12

Mine rang my dad as I was on my way over to tell my parents. We were getting married 3 weeks later.
My parents pretended not to know anything when I got there.

He then did a fake proposal in front of my parents and DD who was 5 so involve her. That was the day before the wedding

Highflyingadored · 08/08/2021 21:15

Yes but we both knew my dad wouldnt say no as the whole family liked my dh and anticipated it would happen.

Scatterlingsofafrica · 08/08/2021 21:18

Obviously you need to have sorted it out between the two of you first- but it is nice to respectfully discuss it with each set of parents after you have decided to get married . So it’s not asking for permission but asking for a blessing almost- I think it sets a good tone for future extended family relationships!

VienneseWhirligig · 08/08/2021 21:19

Nope - we actually discussed it once and he said he wasn't asking my dad to be his wife so why would he involve him in the decision?

EarringsandLipstick · 08/08/2021 21:19

My (ex - note!) H did.

He did so before we had ever (properly) spoken about marriage.

One of the many 🚩I wish I'd taken heed of before we married.

Newbiiee · 08/08/2021 21:20

Yes my hubby asked my dad. My dad is very old fashion but I love that about him and his traditions. Wouldn't have asked for it to be any different although my dad threw a curve ball at my hubby which kind of threw him off a little 🤣🤣🤣

billiebeeme · 08/08/2021 21:21

No, it is very old fashioned. Absolutely no one knew that he was planning to propose. I don't know how he managed to keep it to himself!

Waitwhat23 · 08/08/2021 21:23

I would have been very angry if he had asked my dad's permission.

My Dad walked me down the aisle but when the registrar said 'who gives this woman?', I asked him to say 'she gives herself, with our love and support'. On my request, she also said 'you may now kiss each other' rather than 'you may now kiss the bride'. I did the speech, not my husband and the only reason I took his surname was because of a recent family loss.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 08/08/2021 21:24

No he didn't. This was more than 30 years ago.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 08/08/2021 21:24

I proposed. I didn't ask his father for permission first.

MyMabel · 08/08/2021 21:25

My DP did, proposed 18 months ago. I’m 25, he’s 33 - so young-ish.

I think he did it because he see’s it as tradition, brought my dad an expensive bottle a whiskey and asked the question. My dad is fairly traditional too so he appreciated it.

I, however.. although not harmed by the act of him asking my dad.. don’t really care for it at all. I’m not the property of my father and what I do in my life isn’t controlled by him, so I don’t really see there point in ‘asking permission’ to marry me. Surely it’s only my permission and that of a registrar he needs..

But I’m also not upset by it, it is what it is and I’m just glad to be marrying him and have my dad walk me down the aisle. That’ll do me.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 08/08/2021 21:26

My DH didn’t ask for permission as such more like ‘I’m planning on asking her tonight you should know’.

I always said I didn’t want him to do something like that. I only found out a while after when DH told me. But he said it was important to him. So be it.

MondeoFan · 08/08/2021 21:27

Sort of. He didn't ask the permission just told my dad it was his intention to marry me, this was 19 years ago though

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 08/08/2021 21:28

Thought. Not tonight

MsAwesomeDragon · 08/08/2021 21:29

No. DH knew I wouldn't approve of that, as my dad has no part in the decision about who I marry. Also, we'd been living together for 8 years, had a mortgage and a child together by that point. If my parents had any objections to the partnership they had plenty of time to raise them (to me, not to him)

saleorbouy · 08/08/2021 21:30

No I didn't ask, we had been together for 5years anyway. I did ask him after I'd proposed and we called to tell him we were engaged if it was ok to marry his daughter though!

Spaghettio · 08/08/2021 21:35

My DF told my late husband "if you want her she's yours" (in so many words) before DH1 had said anything at all about proposing. Most likely this was because my parents live abroad so my dad was saying it in person while he was in the country.

DH2 didn't ask permission, but spoke to my parents, lateDH1's parents and his lateDW1's parents before he asked me. Just in a "letting you know I'm going to ask her" kind of way.

Obvs our situation is a bit more sensitive to other people than a traditional proposal.

RufustheBadgeringReindeer · 08/08/2021 21:36

We’d been engaged for over a year without telling my parents

When we decided to tell them dh asked my dad…but as other posters have said it was more telling than asking

Apparently ( im paraphrasing as I wasn’t ther) dh said ‘rufus and i are getting married’ and my dad said ‘great’ and then they went back to watching the football

egglette · 08/08/2021 21:36

Nope - he didn't tell anyone he was planning to do it. Bought the ring on his own and just did it on the first day of a holiday. I really liked that, actually - we told no-one until we were waiting at the airport to go home and I called my parents. Was a lovely week and somehow felt really special that just the two of us knew.

HollaHolla · 08/08/2021 21:40

@AnneLovesGilbert

Absolutely not. I’ve been married twice and neither time did anyone speak to my dad before speaking to me.

In a general discussion about the idea of “asking the father first” many years ago my dad said if anyone asked him he’d refuse because anyone who deserved to marry his daughter would know the only opinion that mattered was mine.

Absolutely. When exP and I got engaged, it was a mutual decision - made whilst on holiday. When we came home, we spoke to both families to tell them we had decided to get married. It was all very modern and mutual.
itshappened · 08/08/2021 21:40

My husband did. My father was really touched that he asked him first and I think it was a real bonding moment. In fact it was a few months before the actual proposal. My dad kept it a secret and as my mum had no idea the conversation had taken place, I was also none the wiser until after we were engaged. Sadly my dad died not long after we married and it is something that I always think of with fondness as I know it meant a lot to him that he was asked.

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