To not be interested in friends kids

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Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

You can't compare it to bringing another adult ffs. Children need care, so if you arrange to meet in the middle of the day with a parent then chances are they will have a child with them!

If you want to meet with them on a 1-1 basis then you need to be more honest with them so they can either drop out, arrange a day where they might have childcare or suggest an evening meet.

I feel like this and I have kids. Definitely changes the dynamic and parents should want some adult convo.

Laughing so hard that people are so uptight about kids coming to these things. See some other countries where children are more accepted into the fabric of society…they turn up eveywhere with their parents without people throwing tantrums over it (ironic).

IME kids in other countries behave better. Often see kids out late in the evening with their parents in countries like Italy and Greece but they tend not to be disturbing other people by running around and screaming.

I have kids and I definitely agree! Arrange to meet in a bar from now on OP

@Moonwatcher1234

My own is having a phase of insisting she comes out with either me or her dad. So we both end up taking her out with us when alone whether it is to run errands or coffee with a friend.

And never mind what the friend wants? They could have something important they want to talk about, or just have a bit of company and all that’s shot through because your kid is there and that always changes the dynamic.

@ThePlantsitter I don’t think a friendship can continue if one half of it refuses to accept that the other's life has absolutely changed. If you are not at all interested in my kids you're not interested in me.

I could switch that round and say I couldn’t remain friends with someone who fails to recognise their their life has changed but mine hasn’t. If someone isn’t interested in anything other than their kids, they’re not interested in me.

I feel the same. I generally just want to talk to the friend themselves. I make this happen.

YANBU. I have absolutely no interest in anyones DC.

I meet with a friend once a month and she wanted to bring her DC (late and mid teens) to the next meet up. I said no as l don't have mine and I'm not interested in yours . She wasn't happy as she said she wanted to bring them as she hadn't seen them much over the holiday's so far.

I still refused. Neither of us were right or wrong... she wanted them there to spend time with them and l didn't.

@Moonwatcher1234

Laughing so hard that people are so uptight about kids coming to these things. See some other countries where children are more accepted into the fabric of society…they turn up eveywhere with their parents without people throwing tantrums over it (ironic).

'Laughing so hard, that people are so uptight about kids coming to these things!'

Are you really? Are you also spitting your tea out onto your keyboard?

12:37Whyo

I'm not a martyr. That's my point. I will take or leave the children (and get DH) to do similar as it works for us, not some entitled 'friend'. Does that make sense? It's really not complicated.

I can understand you frustration.

Fortunately this never happened to me, ever.

We either met with child, pre agreed or it was a childless meet.

As for turning up with a child to meet a childless friend🙄that's just plain dumb and I would feel pissed off if it was me.

I like my very close friends children, but other than that, absolutely no interest.

I don't meet my friends with my DC. It ends up being all about them and ruins it

As opposed to being all about you, presumably. What do you do when you have them, then? Enjoy glorious solo parenting solitude?

As for turning up with a child to meet a childless friend🙄that's just plain dumb and I would feel pissed off if it was me.

Would you feel pissed off if they called you childless?

YANBU I am on my way to meet a friend now for a informal party. She is childless but would have been happy for me to bring them but I said no! It would have been me having snatched conversations while stopping kids from running around trashing her house! TBH I don't even like going to lunch with my DP and the kids. It's much better to eat at home.

Yanbu. I have barely been anywhere without my son (13 months) as he was exclusively breastfed but now he's barely feeding during the day, I meet up with friends without him and he stays with dad. You can't catch up properly when the kids are around and you're right...the dynamic changes.

It's just the constant talking about their kids too though! Doesn't matter if they're there or not I don't care about whether your potty training child had a shit on the floor. I want to talk about adult things! There is only so much nodding I can do

Havent RTFT but I think you either agree to have the kids there, or you don't but it must be by agreement.

The worst for me is people bringing along their teenage/young adult children. I went out once with a friend during a particularly difficult time with my STBXH, friend asked how was it had I left him yet, and her early 20s daughter wanted to chip in on the conversation!

Found out recently an old school friend coincidentally lives near me....exchanged messages and invited her over for a coffee. Oh yes she said, I'll bring the kids be lovely for you to meet them...she has 4 under 8! My house isn't really very child friendly and 4 littlies running riot whilst I try and make coffee / keep an eye on the dogs / fret about sticky hands on my walls and furniture made my blood run cold. I said let's rearrange for a time when you can come on your own and I haven't heard from her since!

Yanbu to prefer an adult-only meetup but Yabu to assume that can always be the case. Sometimes children are ok with being left, sometimes they’re going through a developmental leap / emotional anxiety stage and can’t bear to be left. I’ve had situations in the past where I had to take my child to a meetup with a friend, when I would rather have left my child at home with his Dad, but after 20 mins of broken-hearted sobbing about wanting mummy it was just better to just take her with me. It is annoying but children aren’t mini adults or parcels that can always be dropped somewhere, they have complex and constantly changing needs.

@Moonwatcher1234

Laughing so hard that people are so uptight about kids coming to these things. See some other countries where children are more accepted into the fabric of society…they turn up eveywhere with their parents without people throwing tantrums over it (ironic).

Where are these countries? Because I'm from one of the countries often cited as super-child friendly and I've lived in another (Italy) and I can promise you that, if you turn up with a child unexpectedly to an adults' gathering, it will be about as welcome as a turd in a swimming pool.

@Brefugee

It was arranged as adult free then she said do you mind if I bring her. I felt awkward at that point saying no

You need to get over the awkwardness. She's your friend. Practice saying "oh, never mind let's do it again when we can be alone" or whatever.

Children screaming round restaurants? I am over that. I have in the past, and will in the future, ask the waiter, owner whoever to tell the parents to control their child - or I'll do it. Which has meant in the past going up to a table of adults and telling them that if i hear one more peep I will come over and drink all their wine or something. It is not acceptable

I would very happily tell you to fuck off. If it was a bunch of adults laughing loudly or singing happy birthday would you do the same? No. If you told me to silence my child if tell him to scream louder.

YANBU - I only like my own children but never inflict them when meeting up in an adult scenario.

Oh yes she said, I'll bring the kids be lovely for you to meet them...

Actually, no.

Why do so many parents automatically assume this to be the case?

I can see why you'd like to see your friend and have her undivided attention, so yanbu.

The thing is, for your friend, giving anything except her child "undivided attention" (likely even her own self care!) - is a massive luxury which has to be balanced against the 24/7 need of her child for her attention.

So someone who has loads and loads of their own discretionary time asking for more of her attention probably just sounds a bit childish and whingy. Can't you manage with 40% of her for a while? The rest of the time you don't have to compromise on your own comfort at all.

I want to understand you and feel supportive but your post just irritates me tbh, probably because you're just adding more stress to her life without giving her your help as a friend. And you should be able to manage without all her attention ... because you are a grown-up.

I agree OP
I have children and friends with and without.

I value my time with my childless friends and don't bring my children. It actually feels like treating myself to grown up activities / lunch places and time. I valued my time with friends with children equally but different - we tend to talk about children / school etc a lot!
Maybe suggest a nice bar in the evening next time.