To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

@MrsBumm

I can see why you'd like to see your friend and have her undivided attention, so yanbu.

The thing is, for your friend, giving anything except her child "undivided attention" (likely even her own self care!) - is a massive luxury which has to be balanced against the 24/7 need of her child for her attention.

So someone who has loads and loads of their own discretionary time asking for more of her attention probably just sounds a bit childish and whingy. Can't you manage with 40% of her for a while? The rest of the time you don't have to compromise on your own comfort at all.

I want to understand you and feel supportive but your post just irritates me tbh, probably because you're just adding more stress to her life without giving her your help as a friend. And you should be able to manage without all her attention ... because you are a grown-up.

I think this is a great post, plus you agreed to it OP so some part of you must understand at least subconsciously.

Ofc you may remain child free but if you don't and your life got turned on its head (because that's what children do) wouldn't you appreciate some understanding friends?

I'm talking cafe-meet here not strapping an infant on to go 'out out'.

YANBU gets right on my nerves. My friends are variable at this, some wouldn’t dream of it and others think their children have to go everywhere with them. Plus arrange what and when we do stuff round their child. I have worked hard all week and want a relaxing weekend. Why would l arrange my weekend round your child

@enoughforme exactly, with men it really rarely happens. It’s still assumed they will turn up on their own

I'd feel the same as you. My own children (who are now grown up) are the only children I had any interest in. Other people's kids do nothing for me at all. I find them tiring & boring. And often really naughty these days, with apathetic parenting.

When I was younger and my social groups were starting to get married and have kids, I'd end up going to events that were supposed to be for adults but inevitably ended up resembling a crèche. As someone who was childfree I wasn't also handed random children to look after because it was "good practice" or because I'm a doctor and am supposed to like children (I don't).

After a few years of spending most social events avoiding children or finding the owners of the random children foisted on me I decided that I needed a new social circle so dumped the lot of them. I also decided that as I found young children tedious in the extreme and their parents too as soon as anyone I knew or hung out with got pregnant I'd cut them out. Harsh, but worked.

I second the teenagers comment. And I have two teenagers. While they're not squirming around the coffee shop needing entertainment (though they are food bins), they also understand sufficiently to make sensitive conversations difficult with them present.

I like my friends' and family's teenagers but not at the expense of being able to talk freely if someone wants to discuss something personal. Not really relevant for coffee or lunch as they'd stay at home but if I have friends over, I send them out of earshot for a while so I can have a proper adult catch up. I agree with the poster that finds it awkward when someone's teenager sits in on the conversation the whole time.

@SecretSpAD

When I was younger and my social groups were starting to get married and have kids, I'd end up going to events that were supposed to be for adults but inevitably ended up resembling a crèche. As someone who was childfree I wasn't also handed random children to look after because it was "good practice" or because I'm a doctor and am supposed to like children (I don't).

After a few years of spending most social events avoiding children or finding the owners of the random children foisted on me I decided that I needed a new social circle so dumped the lot of them. I also decided that as I found young children tedious in the extreme and their parents too as soon as anyone I knew or hung out with got pregnant I'd cut them out. Harsh, but worked.

Perfectly reasonable.

Over the years I have been similarly ruthless with people who wish to rabbit on endlessly about their children on a night out.
Most of us really don't want to.
So I kept up with those who were happy to talk about a million other things on a night out.

I wouldn't say YABU - you're entitled to feel how you feel - but I imagine you might see things in a rather different light if you have children...

I don't recall ever feeling a particular need to have a friend's undivided attention tbh. My dc are teens now, but I spent plenty of time seeing child-free friends and friends with children when mine were young, and combinations of both. Everyone always seemed to be able to have a chat. I don't see the problem tbh.

The thing is if you had planned / reasonably assumed it would be a child free meetup and then it's not, it turns from something you were looking forward to to something you'd really rather not go to, but saying no makes you look like a child hating ogre.

Couple of hours catching up with a friend and watching the world go by over coffee = lovely

Couple of hours watching a friend wrangling a child, not being able to have a proper conversation, potential crying / tantrums / toilet accidents/ whining / spilled drinks and food = rather stick pins in my eyes no matter how much I like / want to see my friend

I have friends with small children who sometimes have to bring them along last minute out of necessity and are apologetic / happy to rearrange, or where we've said we will do something child friendly in advance. No problem with either of those, I like their children. What's really annoying is people who assume their child is ALWAYS welcome even where it hasn't been planned and it will make the original arrangements less enjoyable.

I'm not sure if anyone normal really expects someone's undivided attention all the time, but if you've got about 5% of it, and you're trying to tell them something difficult/upsetting/important, it's pretty frustrating! Especially if it happens every time you meet.

I completely agreee, I say in a jokingly but firm manner that if we are all meeting up then no children are allowed as its not how I and the other childless people want to spend there time in a restaurant / bar. Otherwise if they insist then I will not meet up because there is literally no point with unruly children running about the place and also the only places that accommodate children have really rubbish food and drink compared to adult only places.

I don’t understand these sorts of friendships at all.
I have dc and if I had the option of a child free lunch with a friend I’d love it. Often I don’t (I don’t know where parents get all this extra, affordable childcare from either).
If a friend (either who had children or hadn’t) said “look cuckoo, I really need a deep discussion about sensitive matters, without kids” I’d arrange it. Because I care about them and they care about me. That’s friendship IMO.

I wouldn't say YABU - you're entitled to feel how you feel - but I imagine you might see things in a rather different light if you have children...

If you read the thread, you’ll see plenty of people with children who think the op isn’t wrong for wanting child free time.

If you read the thread, you’ll see plenty of people with children who think the op isn’t wrong for wanting child free time.

I don't think she is wrong to want child free time, I just think she is naive in her assumptions about how easy it would be to achieve for the parent.

YANBU, bringing kids to adult meet up changes the dynamics completely. However some PPs made good point that after having kids you are less in control of your life and your priorities are changing.
Also “husband at home” doesn’t equal “available childcare”.
I was a few times in situations when I needed to cancel/ rearrange at the very last minute because my DH got urgent work to do. They were evening meet ups, with a day time meet up I would just do what your friend did.
Once I had a huge row with DH and cancel going out with a friend for this reason but I didn’t tell her about it, I just told her that I didn’t feel well (which was partially true).
You might be a lucky one with well behaved children, childcare available and never cancelled but who knows.

@FightingtheFoo

I.e. I don't want to meet up with my friends with their kids (or mine)in tow. It's not the same at all - it's impossible to hold a conversation.

100% this!

I feel so bad about it, but I really don’t want to see my friends with their kids

Possibly because mine is older? Was never as clingy as friends dc are

Once my friend REALLY needed to speak to me about something- her dc didn’t give her more than a minute’s peace. Despite me finding toys and things to explore

I think the dc sensed it somehow and didn’t want to be left out, we tried but friend couldn’t get a sentence out.

She mentions meeting up often, I end up suggesting dates when the kids have gone back.

I just wanted to add that parents don't have the monopoly on being boring. Just like they can be accused of "rabbiting on" about children at times some people have been droning on about their boyfriend drama, twat of a husband or job for literally decades. These people normally want all your attention and are incredibly boring.

Yanbu. I have lots of kids and would be cheesed off if I had arranged to go alone and another friend turned up with kids. It’s happened and they’ve also handed over their kids so they can have a break, which was the ultimate annoyance when I was finally child free

My ds when little was a great one to take out and about, just watched people and ate, played with things quietly.

My friends dc are a lot older (think tween) and won’t leave the dm alone for a second.

It’s not about throwing food or screaming etc, but just clinging and questioning and ear wigging.

Last time I managed to say to friend to drop to grandparent while we were
out and about for a couple of hours, that was good, and last time we made it a dinner meet up, but school hols now mean I know she’ll suggest meeting up, but I don’t want to.

Personally I think if you have no interest in her kids you are not a very nice person. Why should she have to get childcare she would have to pay for it and child probably would rather be with parent you cant just palm them off on people for lunch when someone wants to see you for an hour. I think parents and children come as a package and unless you suggest a night out if its a day thing you are being unreasonable if you really want to talk to friend in an adult way with no kids tell her and she will try and make the time for you or explain to you how difficult it is to stop being a mother when you have responsibilities

This is why I suggest going to the bingo. Can do it during the day or night. Have something to eat, a natter in the interval. Maybe win a few quid.

No kids allowed. It's bliss.

Sounds like a lot of it is down to communication really. Agree whether a social meet up is or isn’t going to involve children and maybe plan ‘deep and meaningful’ chats around that. I think that in general if you care about your friends and want to maintain the friendships it’s a good idea to take at least some interest in their children and adapt to the changes that parenthood brings.

I think that in general if you care about your friends and want to maintain the friendships it’s a good idea to take at least some interest in their children and adapt to the changes that parenthood brings.

Again this works both ways. If you care about your friends without children and want to maintain the friendships it's a good idea to take some interest in their lives. Even if they now seem boring and trivial to you.

I have kids and mostly feel this way. I much prefer meeting up with friends in the evenings without kids. But when I'm at work all week I do try to spend most my weekend daytimes with my kids so lunch dates wouldn't be ideal. Also I am breastfeeding my three month old so need to bring her to most things but she doesn't usually stop us having grown-up conversations. I do like my six year old to get together with my friends' kids occasionally but she has her own friends now so it isn't essential. It annoys me when other people let their kids interupt grown-ups talking. I also get annoyed when we meet at my friend's house in the evening and she lets her kids stay up extra late because they like to see us!

Again this works both ways. If you care about your friends without children and want to maintain the friendships it's a good idea to take some interest in their lives. Even if they now seem boring and trivial to you.

I agree with this too. I’ve encountered it several times where friends suddenly have one topic of conversation: children. Any other topic is uninteresting/unimportant because “Well, I’m a mama now, which means I’ve realised the only thing that’s important in life is my children”.

These are the people who get quietly dropped but find themselves wondering where their friends went when their children are older and they want some grown-up company again to “get back to being me”.

My friendship group we all have kids and mist I've know since birth so we all pretty close but we do make time for adult only get together as well as kids and parents get together (all the kids are friends). But I did have that one friend who would always have her son in tow (he was about 12 at the time it started) he would sit in on serious adult conversations and sometimes offered his words of wisdom! Really used to annoy me. Anyway it's natural and totally fine to want friends to yourself for adult only time.