To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

@enoughforme

It’s rude, I think, like SHE thinks they’re the most fascinating people ever…so everyone else must share that view. She also has a lovely DH so not desperate for childcare. As you say, it changes the dynamic and you can’t have a proper chat.

Exactly this. Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different? I don't want to be friends with my friends mother or DH and certainly don't want to be with their kids who cannot even talk yet!! Sounds harsh but it the reality of how I feel

when children are v young its like bringing a monkey to a cafe. you cannot concentrate on anything. Once my children were older I had zero interest in coffee mornings where toddlers were still present. however the idea of a cheap coffee is not cheap - eg the babysitter costs £20 if you can even get one. so.... unless one is also a prisoner of small children, visits to their 'lovely and gifted' child can be at their home or in a park. and ask your friend when she can meet sans child = say when her husband is home. so you can both relax and actually converse.

I left my DC at home quite a bit when ex was at home to look after them. I didn't give him the choice. He was also parent to those DC, so he could do his fair share from my POV.

I do know quite a number of women who end up having to take their DC everywhere because their "fantastic dad" OHs wouldn't have the DC at home and actually have to look after them.

I get the OP's POV, totally. If I had to have my DC with me for a meetup, I made sure they didn't disturb people.

I don't object to DC in restaurants, but I do object to parents who don't supervise them properly, or at all, and who let them make too much noise and/or run around.

This particular example the 'baby' is three!!

Had to delurk for this, that's when my son was at his absolute clingiest mummy's boy stage 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Sorry but this is ridiculous and you may need to understand 3 year olds a bit more. My own is having a phase of insisting she comes out with either me or her dad. So we both end up taking her out with us when alone whether it is to run errands or coffee with a friend. Don’t be so nasty to shriek about gender stereotypes…3 year olds can be pretty tyrannical!

Seriously, you can't ever say no to a three year old? Gosh.

@nocoffeenobooze

Had the child have behaved and sat quietly I don't think I'd be posting this.

Honestly, you sound quite knobbish with this comment.

Completely agree with this comment tbh!!

Plus...your friend did ask if you were ok with her bringing her child and you said yes.

If I was meeting a friend for a coffee during the day then they would all fully expect me to turn up with my baby. That’s what I do during the day atm - I look after my baby. My DH works away from home so is away for weeks at a time. Yes I can go and meet friends etc but my baby comes too. Could I arrange for family to watch him for a couple of hours? Yes probably. But quite honestly, I can only expect a certain amount of childcare from them and I know there will be other things that I need the childcare for more than a quick coffee. Plus, logistically it’s just not worth it 🤷🏻‍♀️ By the time I’ve dropped him off, sorted bottles and a meal for while I’m away etc, it’s easier just to take him with me for a couple of hours 🤷🏻‍♀️ Add in the fact that he naps very poorly with anyone else and it results in terrible sleep at night, and it’s just really not something I’m going to do if I don’t really need to!
If a friend had something going on and I knew she needed my undivided attention then I’d make an effort to be child free for the meeting.

Maybe you just need to find some child free friends. From another post it sounds like you may be hoping for children in the future and if that’s the case, you never know how you’ll be until they’re here.

@Grimacingfrog

Sorry but this is ridiculous and you may need to understand 3 year olds a bit more. My own is having a phase of insisting she comes out with either me or her dad. So we both end up taking her out with us when alone whether it is to run errands or coffee with a friend. Don’t be so nasty to shriek about gender stereotypes…3 year olds can be pretty tyrannical!

Seriously, you can't ever say no to a three year old? Gosh.

Haha…I certainly can but is it worth causing so much upset when they just want to go out with mum and dad? 3 is a tricky age.. not quite a toddler and not quite a child but kind of in between. I always find it to be the clingiest age so willing to make allowances.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to have adult conversations without kids, whether they be your own or someone else’s. I would, if someone asked to bring a child to something I’d been looking forward to child free say no and reschedule. I don’t think it’s rude but my time without kids is time for me to choose what I want to do. I’ll go and babysit my nephew who is 3 or I’ll go for lunch with friends. I wouldn’t mind if a friend declined meeting up because I have my kids. They aren’t superglued to me so I can go out without them, however I am a single parent so I can’t just leave them at home. - I don’t then meet up with people when I have them unless it’s a mutual kid based meet up so they can play at the park or whatever.

Similar with meals/nights out, I go places where there will not be kids, so go out later on or whatever. I also take my own kids places that are fairly relaxed and not slow as my youngest has additional needs and can have no patience with things if they are slow or noisy so can be a minefield going out at times. I have a friend who will happily come along with me and is really good with my son - works in a school so communicates with him really well and enjoys spending time with them. we also have separate adult time just the 2 of us. I’m not scared fo say no re kids and I am not offended if others do why would I be, you can say it in a nice way that doesn’t offend but I suppose some are easily offended

I can see both sides. I'm not interested in anyone's kids but my own. But if I was to go to the trouble of arranging childcare, it would be for a night out with my husband, not lunch with a friend. It's not that I don't value my friends. But when you're busy with kids, jobs or other things, you have to prioritise things.

I think it depends on what has been arranged.

Due to my circumstances I very rarely would have anyone else to look after my DC, and my friends know this. So I think they always assume I'll have the kids. Even so, I will always confirm with them that I have the kids with me that day and check that it's alright.

On the rare occassion I have the childcare, I might text a friend something like "DH isn't working tomorrow night, I'm free! ! Fancy a catch up?". They will know in advance that I'm arranging a child free meet up.

Basically what I'm saying is I think it's fine for someone to bring their kids along to a meet up, and I also think it's fine for you to not want them to do this. People just need to communicate and be clear about what's happening.

It was arranged as adult free then she said do you mind if I bring her.
I felt awkward at that point saying no

You need to get over the awkwardness. She's your friend. Practice saying "oh, never mind let's do it again when we can be alone" or whatever.

Children screaming round restaurants? I am over that. I have in the past, and will in the future, ask the waiter, owner whoever to tell the parents to control their child - or I'll do it. Which has meant in the past going up to a table of adults and telling them that if i hear one more peep I will come over and drink all their wine or something. It is not acceptable

@Brefugee

It was arranged as adult free then she said do you mind if I bring her. I felt awkward at that point saying no

You need to get over the awkwardness. She's your friend. Practice saying "oh, never mind let's do it again when we can be alone" or whatever.

Children screaming round restaurants? I am over that. I have in the past, and will in the future, ask the waiter, owner whoever to tell the parents to control their child - or I'll do it. Which has meant in the past going up to a table of adults and telling them that if i hear one more peep I will come over and drink all their wine or something. It is not acceptable

Bloody hell, I don't like screaming children in restaurants either but this is incredibly rude.

@enoughforme - your friend intended your meet up to be child free and this changed at the last minute. Do you think your friend actually enjoyed having her 3-year old with her, misbehaving, while she tried to catch up with you? Tbh, you sound like a very self-centred, fair-weather friend to assume she was just inconveniencing you for no good reason and was joyfully inflicting her small child on you. Surely it would have crossed your mind there was a backstory to the sudden change of plan that didn’t involve her thinking, “oh, I’m sure my 3-year old would love to spend time in a boring coffee shop while I try to chat with someone who dislikes small children, and I’d simply love to bring her along with me.”?

@FightingtheFoo

I have kids and feel the same

Me too.

If my husband's mate was of the view that DH should always leave the child at home with me if I was there, regardless of how tired I was, how many other things he was going out to, how much I had to do, if the only thing this person could see was "She should be doing nanny duties because I want this person All To Myself" I would write that person off as a dick and make sure I didn't of l go out of my way to facilitate him in the future.

Just wait OP until you have a small child and the opportunities for foisting them off on others are limited and have to be chosen carefully. If you're this self absorbed now, I suspect you will be the first to think everyone should take you as they find you and accept you and the child just as you are etc etc

@nocoffeenobooze I would be mortified if my children ran around a restaurant at 830 on a Saturday night! I don't expect children to behave like that and it annoys me that some parents find it acceptable.

I actually said to DH yesterday that soon the only places you can go to without kids will be betting shops and strip clubs. Went out the other week for ILs big birthday. Not England so still under restrictions (rule of 6 etc.). One couple turned up with their 3/4 yo as, although they had had childcare (DGM) arranged for WEEKS (it had been booked well in advance due to restrictions), DGM decided that day that she “couldn’t manage” two DC. Cue, rearranging of tables and dirty looks from other diners.

I do agree with pp that parents now are much more child-centred than our parents generation and think that their DC must come everywhere with them. A lady at work was talking about kids parties and how she didn’t like ‘parent participation’, I must’ve looked confused and she said that there were mum/child dance contests and games. I was gobsmacked; parties when I was young were drop and go from about the age of 5, a couple of mums may have stayed to help with crowd control but not all of them and they certainly wouldn’t have entertained joining in the games etc.

The friend (A) I referred to earlier once phoned me, upset with another friend (B) who wanted to bring her dogs round to A’s when she was invited for dinner. A small part of me did want to ask A if she’d ever taken her DC to B’s for dinner….

My dog is very rarely left alone, only if I’m working and DH has somewhere that he absolutely cannot take him (hospital etc.), I would never dream of taking him somewhere uninvited though, another friend (C) actually fell out with me as I didn’t want to leave him to go to a party (that I didn’t really want to go to anyway).

I actually want my kids with me, probably I am the kind of friend that would wind you up but absolutely on a day out the kids are with me. Most people I see request the kids before me so I'm not sure my friends feel the same as you.

However when I make plans I always give a few options, one when I have both, one when I have one and every evening when the kids are in bed I would meet a friend and give them the choice of what they want. But a 11am coffee date on a Saturday my children would be with me.

Oh, and not being able to say ‘no’ to a 3 yo? Read the thread about the mum and the DD who is constantly taking her stuff….

@hehehhehe oh stop being a martyr

@enoughforme

It’s rude, I think, like SHE thinks they’re the most fascinating people ever…so everyone else must share that view. She also has a lovely DH so not desperate for childcare. As you say, it changes the dynamic and you can’t have a proper chat.

Exactly this. Wouldn't it be weird if I bought my mom or DH out to lunch? So why are children any different? I don't want to be friends with my friends mother or DH and certainly don't want to be with their kids who cannot even talk yet!! Sounds harsh but it the reality of how I feel

I've had this too! Arranged to meet a mate for coffee and they pitch up with a neighbor, adult child or partner. I find it bizarre and of course we can't the have the same conversation we would have had without the spare wheel siting there.

@ChrissyPlummer

Oh, and not being able to say ‘no’ to a 3 yo? Read the thread about the mum and the DD who is constantly taking her stuff….

Quite. My 3 year old is also something of a tyrant, many of them are. He's slowly (slloowwwlllyy) learning not to be, because I'm telling him 'no' and not pandering to his tantrums or bending to his every whim!

I dunno, my DS is really well behaved in restaurants so I wouldn't mind bringing him but they're a big distraction as your constantly watching them, looking after them so not totally focused on the conversation etc.

My friend likes catching up with DS though, I think there are times when it's appropriate and times when it isn't.

Sometimes childcare isn't an option, but I'd make my friends aware of that and probably not go to said event if it wasn't suitable to bring the baby.

@Eviethyme

I have kids and would never take my kids with me unless it was a play date kinda thing because kids are a pain the backside

Lmao so true!

@FightingtheFoo

I have kids and feel the same

🤣🤣🤣 and me when they were little