To not be interested in friends kids

[enoughforme]

Most of my circle have children and I am just not that interested in meeting up with them and the kids. I understand it means I get to see them less and I have accepted that. It used to trouble me but I'm over it now.

Yesterday one of my friends bought their kid out to lunch and she was preoccupied and we didn’t get to talk in the same way, the dynamic had completely changed. Her daughter was playing on the phone, crying, throwing stuff on the floor 🤦‍♀️. I wanted to say - this is why it’s perhaps best to not bring your child!

I don’t understand why some people would bring children to adult lunch dates as you cannot predict the mood your child will be in.

The above example could have arranged for childcare btw and chose not to. And is one example of a few recently where similar events have happened.

I feel negatively to meeting friends when they want to bring their kids and I don't know if this is unreasonable.

AIBU to think children should be left home unless someone asks to see them or you are stuck for childcare that day?

@ThePlantsitter

I haven't read the whole thread because it's too irritating. I don't think a friendship can continue if one half of it refuses to accept that the other's life has absolutely changed. If you are not at all interested in my kids you're not interested in me. Obviously I do stuff without my kids wherever possible because I want to be an adult sometimes but you can't just leave them with anyone like some people think you can. Also it is very obvious when people won't show an interest in how they are or what they're like and that to me is telling me you're not interested in my life.

I think it can go both ways. It can be hard to show interest in your friend’s children if that friend is no longer interested in your life.

@user1464279374

Based on all your follow up replies I think YABU and you clearly take issue with kids being brought anywhere as they annoy you.

The childcare thing isn't as simple as "the husband is at home". I work all week and my husband is with the kids and so at the weekends I feel I need to give him a break. Perhaps her husband was up all night with the baby and come the lunch meeting she felt it was only fair to let him nap. The delicate balance of making parenting feel equal is something you won't yet understand, but it's more complex than childcare or no childcare. And like other people are saying, her marriage and children are her priority, and a 2 hour coffee with you is probably not something she's going to think too hard about, whether you like that or not. Perhaps her other friends are more understanding.

In general, I try to be very aware of making sure I see friends who don't have kids in a calmer setting without mine, but it's not always possible.

I agree with your post and didn't actually see it like this. This is a very fair point and I take it on board. Thank you.

Like a pp, I ensured I met an old friend when dh was around to look after dcs and I barely mentioned them.

Fast forward a few years and friend has child. OMG. She had only one topic of conversation from conception through pregnancy to birth to early years to starting school…. Aaargh! And of course it was impossible to meet up without the child’s presence. Not fair!!

I think it can go both ways. It can be hard to show interest in your friend’s children if that friend is no longer interested in your life.

Exactly this.

I agree with most of what you're saying with the exception of the childcare part. There's a whole other element to this, on the face of it someone might look like they have lots of childcare options (like me) but i use grandparents for childcare when I'm at work so I would be reluctant to ask for a lunch date. I try to save ad hoc childcare for things like weddings or appointments etc. Similarly with DH, I have a big social circle and he is a very equal parent so I wouldn't want to take the piss and be off out every weekend and i expect the same courtesy from him. I hadn't considered this kind of guilt around planning my social life until i had children. Your friend's kids won't be wee forever and when they are school age it is much less hassel to go somewhere without them as they can be with friends/on playdates. You could distance yourself from them for a bit or you could just put up with it temporarily. I also find it easier if i was catching up with someone at my house as the kids can play with less supervision.

I do agree that i can't understand when people actually WANT to bring their kids with them and expect you to be as interested in them as they are. Those friends can get in the bin

I do agree that i can't understand when people actually WANT to bring their kids with them and expect you to be as interested in them as they are. Those friends can get in the bin

😂😂

Yeah I've experienced that as well, going for lunch with a friend with her kid in tow, looking forward to a long awaited catch up only to have the kid constantly interrupting as you're speaking disrupting the conversation and her focusing all her attention on him. It grates.

It's a bit better now he's older and isn't constantly interrupting and asking questions, you can have a proper conversation with him too which is nice.

I had two types of get together with friends, a child friendly one somewhere where the kids would be happy, and an adults only one. We tried to alternate, very rarely she rang to say she was struggling for child care, but always gave me the option of re arranging or bringing the kids. It worked well for us, as I always knew whether it would be a gossipy catch up, or a play with kids catch up.

Just because the dh was home, it doesn’t mean he’s available to look after the dc. Sometimes on the weekend, there’s jobs I need my dh to do that can’t be done with the dc at home. There are weeks that my dh has had a super stressful work at week and on a Saturday just needs a couple of hours to decompress. I work part time and whilst there are times I would love to leave the dc at home, I won’t as I also understand that I don’t really mind taking the dc along and it’s no big deal, whilst my dh really appreciates when I consider him. Obviously not all the time though. It’s hard trying to navigate everyone’s feelings. You have a way to guarantee this doesn’t happen again, only suggest dinner.

I have kids and would never take my kids with me unless it was a play date kinda thing because kids are a pain the backside

i think YABU for expecting someone to get childcare to sit in a coffee shop for a couple of hours

@WTF0ver

Yeah I've experienced that as well, going for lunch with a friend with her kid in tow, looking forward to a long awaited catch up only to have the kid constantly interrupting as you're speaking disrupting the conversation and her focusing all her attention on him. It grates.

It's a bit better now he's older and isn't constantly interrupting and asking questions, you can have a proper conversation with him too which is nice.

Believe it or not this is actually frustrating from the other side too. I don't relish the fact it's hard for me to have a proper adult catch up because I have a toddler, but while they're young and you have to have them with you for whatever reason, it's just a sad reality.

@FightingtheFoo

I have kids and feel the same

Me too. My time with my friends is pretty much my only adult time, unless it's a play date type thing where all the kids are there then leave them at home! They do, to be fair because they feel the same as me

I don't believe my children should be any where near me when I'm having fun 😂 kids belong at kids parties and specific kids meet ups. Not for dinner or girls lunch... I'm really specific when making plans like "just girls, or kids and husbands" 😂

@Potatoy

Another friend said to me she thinks another friend of hers is a bad mom for wanting to leave the kid at home as she wants to bring hers as it's part of her

Well that's just rude and judgey. And while kids are important so is teaching them they are independent people and not 'part of' anyone.

I get the whole 'they're part of her' if it's a babe in arms. Tiny babies aren't easily left and lots of mums don't want to. Once they're about 6m + though that doesn't really fly!

Did she demand you interact with her child? Did she say that she brought her child because she wanted you to take an interest?

I don’t have ‘childcare’. I only have my DH and sometimes I have to take my DC with me to stuff. You say ‘Oh I’d never take my kids’ but it really isn’t that easy. You’re acting like she was showing her child off, she probably didn’t want her child screaming and ruining her time either. She let you know and it was last minute so I presume her plans fell through, so she had to take her child who you said was upset which can be very stressful as a parent.

I’m glad my friends aren’t like you, you don’t sound very supportive.

Once I had kids they came first! I didn't leave them just to meet a friend for lunch, if friends wanted to meet me then my DD's came as part of the deal (this wasn't an issue btw because I didn't have anti child friends!) I breastfed mine on demand so literally didn't leave them until 15 months for more than 45 mins or so (eg nip to shop)

I get the whole 'they're part of her' if it's a babe in arms. Tiny babies aren't easily left and lots of mums don't want to. Once they're about 6m + though that doesn't really fly!

This particular example the 'baby' is three!!

But for the hundredth time I will repeat - her DH was available to keep the child.

That doesn’t mean that he was willing to be in sole charge of the child during that time. He might have been exhausted and needed a rest or wanted to get on with some DIY, where it would have been helpful for the child to be out of the way.

My DH is very hands-on as a dad and always has been, but, when our DDs were small, there were times when I would take them with me when going out and vice versa.

You don’t know what the situation was, as you said yes to her bringing the child with her. If you’d said no, then you’d have found out whether going out without her DC was a possibility.

I see it from both sides and I would usually like to see friends without the kids in tow. But having 4, it’s sometimes a logistical nightmare and I have no option but to bring the youngest two along. It’s either that or miss out in seeing my friends. My friends without children are surprisingly patient and accommodating which helps. I’m sure your friend would rather be sans kids but try to be a little more understanding as childcare arrangements can be tough and she probably didn’t want to miss out on seeing you

@enoughforme

I get the whole 'they're part of her' if it's a babe in arms. Tiny babies aren't easily left and lots of mums don't want to. Once they're about 6m + though that doesn't really fly!

This particular example the 'baby' is three!!

Yeah no, balls to that. I have a three year old. They are not a good companion for a grown lunch or coffee date!

@enoughforme

Can I also clarify, posters saying they have no childcare I am NOT aiming this at people in that situation.

The people I'm referring to all have support networks it is not the same comparison and when they bring kids they say their DH is at home.

Now in what world does a man bring his kids out and leave the woman at home to 'chill' - I reckon this happens much less then the other way around.

It's gender expectation BS playing out at its full potential in my honest opinion

Sorry but this is ridiculous and you may need to understand 3 year olds a bit more. My own is having a phase of insisting she comes out with either me or her dad. So we both end up taking her out with us when alone whether it is to run errands or coffee with a friend. Don’t be so nasty to shriek about gender stereotypes…3 year olds can be pretty tyrannical!

Sorry I meant hasty, not nasty!

Totally agree. And the assumption that, if you are a mother, you're fine with other people's kids at all social events when, in fact, you may be in desperate need of a child free couple of hours. Women are never allowed a break

Totally this. I remember going to see a friend to watch a film, was so looking forward to adult time, and she'd invited her sister (which would have been fine) but she brought her son along who was the same age as my children (about ten) at the time. I was so disappointed because it became all about him and whether he wanted crisps, juice, an apple every five minutes.

I love kids and would be fine about going to a farm/NT/beach with friends' children/grandchildren but wouldn't like it if they brought them to an adult luckily or dinner. It's just rude.

*lunch not luckily!