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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…

314 replies

whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 08:10

First off, I’m going to go and see this parent later today to find out what’s happening. I think this is better than just waiting for 2 teens to sort this situation out.

My DD17 and her BF bought day tickets to Reading festival ages ago.
The BF parents said they will take their caravan and stay nearby so the girls can stay with them at the end of the day.
Great, I agreed for my DD to buy a ticket knowing she can stay with her mates parents afterwards.
All the other friends in the group have got weekend tickets.

For info we live 100 miles away from Reading.

I’ve noticed that no plans are being firmed up and my DD isn’t saying much.

I asked the BF yesterday and she said “my parents are taking us but my dads got work now so are not staying anymore “

So, no one has told me this before and hasn’t thought to tell me that the 2 teens now have no where to stay or anyone getting them at the end.

So , it’s gonna fall to me to drive 200 mile round trip late at night. But no one thinks to actually communicate anything to me.

If it was me I would contact the other parent to say I can’t do what I originally agreed to.

I’m so pissed off. I don’t want to drive to fecking Reading.
I would never have agreed to my DD going if I had to go myself.

I’m absolutely knackered. I have worked relentlessly throughout the past 18 months and feel burnout.

I’ve lost the ability to work out if I’m unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
PostMenWithACat · 08/08/2021 10:24

Compromise and collect them from the London Station terminus. Shorter drive for you and they don't have to schlep across London.

I think asbyou have said already young people have had a rotten 18 months, then if the other parents have let them down, you have to step in and save the day. Could you drive to Reading much earlier and do some shopping or something to make it a worthwhile trip with a break between the legs of the journey?

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/08/2021 10:25

@Ducksurprise

There is a massive difference between being worried about a 17year old and helping them sort out a safe option and ringing another 17 year olds parents and sorting it out for them. The former helps them to learn independence and the latter infantiles them
Absolutely.

I have a cousing who was always rescued and mum sirted everything. At 18 she couldn't even take a bus properly without getting lost🙄 Was quite a surprise for them when answer was "this is the bus back, here is the correct bus stop again, see you in half an hour" instead of dashing there to pick her up.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/08/2021 10:25

I wonder if the BF parents were ever fully aware they were providing accommodation for them. If they did then they were rude, it doesn’t change the fact that they are not now and op do want to be the lift so the solution is to get the money back, chalk it up as a shitty experience and DIY arrangements for next time.

3kidsareenough · 08/08/2021 10:26

" I asked the BF yesterday and she said “my parents are taking us but my dads got work now so are not staying anymore “*
*
Are you sure OP you haven't got the wrong end of the stick here? I would take the above sentence to mean that they are now not staying over but that doesn't necessarily mean they aren't taking them home and that they're going to wait for them....obviously better communication would solve all the what if's and wondering. I'd give a quick message to BFs mum or dad I'm assuming you know them. Would that shed better light on things.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/08/2021 10:27

Clicked too early.

By helping her find an alternative solution, but just guiding her, rather than doing it for her, yoilu can teach her super valuable skill of how to sirt these things in a future. Because plans go wrong all the time.

MydogWillow · 08/08/2021 10:28

@Rebornagain

Bloody Hell is the world a much more scary place now than back in the day?

When I was 17 we were drinking in pubs going clubbing getting drink. Kids these days are so moddlecoddled it is unbelievable

Yes it is.
bluebeck · 08/08/2021 10:29

Honestly, you need to take a step back. I have been in a very similar situation with a 17 year old DD and Reading.

Travelling across London on the tube at night with a friend really isn't dangerous.

I absolutely would not drive to collect them. They can get a coach or train. Or they don't go. whatever - their problem.

Original poster
whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 10:31

She isn’t going to uni next year. Why do people assume all kids are able to leave home at 18.

She’s had a chat with her BF. She has admitted that she didn’t think to tell my DD that there is no caravan anymore and that her parents are taking them both and she expected me to collect them both at the end.

Talk about entitled.

Was I just supposed to find this out the day before ?

I’ve said I’m not driving there late at night. My dd has said she will sell her ticket.
She knows she won’t manage getting trains back.
She just doesn’t have enough experience or sense of direction.

She went to wireless a few years back for the day with friends but that’s on our train line.

OP posts:
BuffyFanForever · 08/08/2021 10:34

They do intensely check the tickets and it’s not really possibly for them to stay without a weekend ticket. Good luck sorting it OP

spooney21 · 08/08/2021 10:37

Have they checked out coaches. There are usually ones put in specifically for festivals. They could try the big green coach company or national express.

LawnFever · 08/08/2021 10:38

@whippitwoowoo

She isn’t going to uni next year. Why do people assume all kids are able to leave home at 18.

She’s had a chat with her BF. She has admitted that she didn’t think to tell my DD that there is no caravan anymore and that her parents are taking them both and she expected me to collect them both at the end.

Talk about entitled.

Was I just supposed to find this out the day before ?

I’ve said I’m not driving there late at night. My dd has said she will sell her ticket.
She knows she won’t manage getting trains back.
She just doesn’t have enough experience or sense of direction.

She went to wireless a few years back for the day with friends but that’s on our train line.

She really doesn’t need to sell he ticket over this.

Have a look at the coach options with her, they could both book a return coach ticket and then nobody needs to take them either.

If they’re together surely they can manage the coach, it’ll drop off and pick up from the same place on the site so it’ll be easier than getting to the train station.

Original poster
whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 10:38

Thanks @LawnFever

That would have been great. Unfortunately no ticket availability anywhere close to me.

OP posts:
SapphireSeptember · 08/08/2021 10:38

All this 'but she's 17' nonsense. I remember having such low confidence at 17 that the idea of getting on a bus scared me, and when I did do it to go and see my boyfriend I stammered while telling the driver where I wanted to go (although I was fine with getting on a bus when I was 10, go figure. Secondary school messed me up big time.) I'm 32 now and travelling doesn't phase me.

Original poster
whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 10:38

I’m in Cambridgeshire

OP posts:
LawnFever · 08/08/2021 10:42

@whippitwoowoo

I’m in Cambridgeshire
Ah, as you’d mentioned getting the train via London I’d assumed that’s where they needed to get back to.
PearlFriday · 08/08/2021 10:44

@SapphireSeptember

All this 'but she's 17' nonsense. I remember having such low confidence at 17 that the idea of getting on a bus scared me, and when I did do it to go and see my boyfriend I stammered while telling the driver where I wanted to go (although I was fine with getting on a bus when I was 10, go figure. Secondary school messed me up big time.) I'm 32 now and travelling doesn't phase me.
Absolutely. I think some people on here with toddlers think that you don't need to care for teens. My dd 18 would be scared to open the door to the tesco delivery! I am trying to be supportive to each individual set of circumstances as they arise and reassuring her that she can navigate it and that if she doesn't say the right thing or do the wrong thing, nothing bad will happen and she won't be in trouble and she will get another chance.

Not every teen of 17, 18 or 19 has completely 'transitioned' to a responsible confident adult!

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 10:44

Going to a festival 100 miles away is not the way to find out how independent she is

So what is?

I think at 17 you do need to step back.
Travelling into London at night to get a connecting train isn’t dangerous.

There are loads of people around and it is perfectly safe especially if they are only in the stations.
Dd who is 3 years older than your dd has been travelling the tubes and trains on her own in London since she was 10 years old to get to and from school and ECAs
She has worked in all sorts of areas of London since she was 16 that involve her getting herself across London very late at night or when she passed her test coming out of a club at 3am and walking to her car on her own which was parked down a side street.
You need to know her plans for getting back and you can point them in the direction of trains/buses and what time they need to leave to be on time for them. Get her to share her location and pick them up from the station/bus depot but at 17 it really is time to let her try things on her own.

At 17 I was living in a shared flat paying bills and trying to make ends meet.

LyndaSnellsSniff · 08/08/2021 10:47

The BF has been very silly and has behaved in a very irresponsible way by not bothering to pass on the message. No responsibility taken. It would make me question how concrete the original plans actually were? Did the parents really promise the caravan or was it just a vague idea? Perhaps they were told that you had agreed to collect and that's the plan they've assumed was happening all along?

Honestly, if they aren't yet mature enough to even think to discuss practical details then I would agree they'd probably struggle with train journeys.

PearlFriday · 08/08/2021 10:47

Small steps @Bythemillpond.

Opening the door to the tesco delivery? Arranging your own covid vaccination? Arranging your own pill? (all things my 18 year old has found nerve racking !)

I think that plunging yourself in to something too challenging would set you back.

sesamebreadsticks · 08/08/2021 10:48

Stunned at the majority of responses on here. I don't have a daughter, but pretty sure I would be just as concerned as OP. So what that 17 is nearer an adult than a child - as a parent you don't suddenly cross an age barrier and cease worrying, just like that. Blimey, I'm in my 40's and my Mum would be worried for me if my plans fell through and I was suddenly wondering how id get home from 100 miles away! OP you've every right to be annoyed about this situation and concerned for your daughter.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 08/08/2021 10:55

@whippitwoowoo

She isn’t going to uni next year. Why do people assume all kids are able to leave home at 18.

She’s had a chat with her BF. She has admitted that she didn’t think to tell my DD that there is no caravan anymore and that her parents are taking them both and she expected me to collect them both at the end.

Talk about entitled.

Was I just supposed to find this out the day before ?

I’ve said I’m not driving there late at night. My dd has said she will sell her ticket.
She knows she won’t manage getting trains back.
She just doesn’t have enough experience or sense of direction.

She went to wireless a few years back for the day with friends but that’s on our train line.

Ah well, good she found out now rather than on the day I guess. Disappointing for her nevertheless, I'm sure.
PegasusReturns · 08/08/2021 10:56

OP I sympathise.

At 17 I was living independently.
At 18 I was working overseas.
At 19 I was back packing in South America.

BUT have a 17 year old who was 15 when we entered the pandemic. She’s missed a whole chunk of growing up and opportunities for independence that anyone even a couple of years older was able to gain.

Between 15-17 you take a lot of baby steps:your first evenings hanging round park and meeting new people, your first house party with alcohol; your first gig; your first trip to the pub, your first friends-only holiday. Lots of 17 year old girls I know had their life paused at the point they were just starting to find their freedom.

IndiaMay · 08/08/2021 10:57

I don't think she should sell her ticket because shes too scared to get a train! If I'd have said something like that at 17 my mum would have told me to grown up a bit. She can catch a few trains at 17.

Muckles · 08/08/2021 10:59

Leave Reading at half 10, you pick them up in Cambridge?

Switching at London isn't that bad.

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…
Unsubscribed · 08/08/2021 11:01

First off, I’m going to go and see this parent later today to find out what’s happening

This is a bit cringe.
The girls need to sort out the implications of BF's parents no longer bringing them back, and your DD should communicate the plans to you.
If DD cant assure you that she can get back safely then she cant go , and you would be reasonable to refuse her to go due to being 17 .
You don't have to sort anything out