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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…

314 replies

whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 08:10

First off, I’m going to go and see this parent later today to find out what’s happening. I think this is better than just waiting for 2 teens to sort this situation out.

My DD17 and her BF bought day tickets to Reading festival ages ago.
The BF parents said they will take their caravan and stay nearby so the girls can stay with them at the end of the day.
Great, I agreed for my DD to buy a ticket knowing she can stay with her mates parents afterwards.
All the other friends in the group have got weekend tickets.

For info we live 100 miles away from Reading.

I’ve noticed that no plans are being firmed up and my DD isn’t saying much.

I asked the BF yesterday and she said “my parents are taking us but my dads got work now so are not staying anymore “

So, no one has told me this before and hasn’t thought to tell me that the 2 teens now have no where to stay or anyone getting them at the end.

So , it’s gonna fall to me to drive 200 mile round trip late at night. But no one thinks to actually communicate anything to me.

If it was me I would contact the other parent to say I can’t do what I originally agreed to.

I’m so pissed off. I don’t want to drive to fecking Reading.
I would never have agreed to my DD going if I had to go myself.

I’m absolutely knackered. I have worked relentlessly throughout the past 18 months and feel burnout.

I’ve lost the ability to work out if I’m unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 08/08/2021 08:59

@whippitwoowoo

Listen, none of you know my DD. I do. She was told that she was staying in the caravan. The friend said nothing until last night when I specifically asked about the plans. I have said to them both that they need to get it sorted quickly.
Don’t get cross with posters. In the first post, you said you would be driving. There was no mention of the girls sorting it out themselves.
PacificOcean · 08/08/2021 08:59

When I was 17 I spent a month inter-railing around Europe with a friend the same age. They'll be fine getting the train home OP.

BaronessOfTheNorth · 08/08/2021 09:03

@whippitwoowoo

Those of you saying “I was travelling at 17” so what?

My dd hasn’t had the opportunity to become independent and explore the world due to a pandemic!
She has been home for most of gcse and first college year.

Going to a festival 100 miles away is not the way to find out how independent she is.

Agreed. Assuming she was 15 / 16 when the pandemic started she won't have had a chance to have much independence.

I agree with you and to me, 17 is still really young to be letting go 100 miles away to a festival without having plans to get home.

Even as an adult I would need to have concrete plans in place!

Numptywallice · 08/08/2021 09:03

Try booking them a hotel in Basingstoke. There is a direct train from Reading. Taxi rank right outside train station in Basingstoke. Cheaper than Reading due to festival mark up.

VladmirsPoutine · 08/08/2021 09:03

OP the general attitude on Mumsnet seems to be 17yr olds are fully fledged adults and really should have a mortgage, a car and a 6-figure salary, otherwise you failed at raising them. And if they're still at home they should be coughing up half their wages from their weekend job at Pizza Hut otherwise they're basically scrounging of you.

I'd try and resolve a solution with your DD asap. If they can get a tent, or a nearby BnB or leave earlier. Don't leave her without a paddle.

vivainsomnia · 08/08/2021 09:06

Why are you over-reacting and have concluded that you'd have to go and pick them up? How do you know that the parents are not looking at other options and if BF has been vague, it's because they are still considering different possibilities.

I don't think it's their responsibility to call you and discuss. Your DD is 17 and old enough to liaise with them/her BF and then inform you of what is happening.

Please before you contact them, take deep breaths and approach it in a calm manner, not an accusatory way because you'd come across as one of those mums.

ILoveFlumps · 08/08/2021 09:07

@VladmirsPoutine

OP the general attitude on Mumsnet seems to be 17yr olds are fully fledged adults and really should have a mortgage, a car and a 6-figure salary, otherwise you failed at raising them. And if they're still at home they should be coughing up half their wages from their weekend job at Pizza Hut otherwise they're basically scrounging of you.

I'd try and resolve a solution with your DD asap. If they can get a tent, or a nearby BnB or leave earlier. Don't leave her without a paddle.

Totally agree with this!

I have 17 year old twin girls, and definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with them travelling back from a festival at that time of night on their own.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 08/08/2021 09:12

They are 17. There should be no need for parents to communicate about this unless the gorls have special needs...
They can try to book airbnb or something in there for a night and mske their way home next day.

LanaDelBoy · 08/08/2021 09:12

A 17 yr old unfamiliar with festivals and the area won't have much clue about what is actually practical if she hasn't done it before.
It's a bad situation because it's a massive festival and everything will have been booked up months ago. Presumably it's not just getting home afterwards but they have 2 day tickets? So need to go somewhere overnight then go back the next day?
I'd get proactive op.
Have you checked air bnb?

PearlFriday · 08/08/2021 09:14

Well, my dd is 18 and I wouldn't like this! I would probably also feel I had to make sure they were safe if they couldn't arrange that themselves, or if the friend's father had announced he couldn't provide the accommodation/drive now.

What are you supposed to do? Shrug?! ''good luck out there''.

ohthatbloodycat · 08/08/2021 09:18

Do you know them well enough to suggest that you stay at the caravan with the girls?
I can understand that the thought of the other parents doing the work is more appealing. And it seems they offered it in good faith. But these things happen.

Phineyj · 08/08/2021 09:18

Do what numpty said.

NotSorry · 08/08/2021 09:19

My DD is 23 and I still check in with her how she is getting home etc.

OP YANBU and I would not be leaving my 17 y/o DD to find her way home. I sympathise with you saying that you’re burnt out but I’d still want to know my DD is safe and help her to be safe

ohthatbloodycat · 08/08/2021 09:20

Or actually, couldn't the girls stay at the caravan on their own?

PraiseTheSunshine · 08/08/2021 09:20

Could you stay in a hotel and then pick them up and in the evening so you don't have to drive there and back on the same day? I'd be frustrated too but at least this way you don't have a 200 mile round trip in one night.

Monestera · 08/08/2021 09:31

Listen, none of you know my DD. I do. She was told that she was staying in the caravan. The friend said nothing until last night when I specifically asked about the plans. I have said to them both that they need to get it sorted quickly.

Listen, there's no problem then is there? No need to jump to a conclusion of you driving 100 miles.

LawnFever · 08/08/2021 09:33

@ohthatbloodycat

Or actually, couldn't the girls stay at the caravan on their own?
Sounds like it needs towing to wherever they were going to stay in it so they’d still need the other parents to take it, can’t see that working if they’re not staying in it now.
Hemingwaycat · 08/08/2021 09:34

I don’t think the parents should have contacted you at all, they’ll have expected your DD to tell you which she didn’t. She’s at fault here, not them. She’s 17! I lived alone at 17. It’s down to her to figure out how she’s getting home, I wouldn’t be driving 200 miles personally.

LawnFever · 08/08/2021 09:35

In the last couple of years they have changed the set up as you used to walk through camping to get to arena. So not sure when @lawnfever went

Ah you know what, I’m mixing up the Download set up with Reading - ignore me Blush

Twoforthree · 08/08/2021 09:40

A friend has to go rescue her dd last minute who wasn’t having a good time. They stayed at a hotel and their dd got in a taxi and met them at the hotel.
This was the emergency option. You have time to pre plan something.
Basingstoke seems a good suggestion.

carriehagshaw · 08/08/2021 09:41

We live in Reading and used to air bnb our spare rooms on the festival weekend quite cheaply. Maybe look in to that?

By that I mean... get your dd to look in to that! It's really not for you to be contacting the other parents or sorting this out. So what if it's last minute? It'll teach them to get their acts together next time.

Worst case scenario they get the train home. Off to uni next year isn't it? They'll be in far worse situations I guarantee

FunMcCool · 08/08/2021 09:46

I would assume “my parents are taking us” would mean there and back, her dad having to work would mean they can’t stay over but why can’t he drive them back after festival?

Ducksurprise · 08/08/2021 09:52

There is a massive difference between being worried about a 17year old and helping them sort out a safe option and ringing another 17 year olds parents and sorting it out for them. The former helps them to learn independence and the latter infantiles them

mam0918 · 08/08/2021 09:53

Shes 17?
Why would you collect her?

Nearly everyone I know was going to festivals alone at 17, non of us got lifts from mummy and daddy at that age (at 14/15 yes but not 17), you get the coach, megabus or train.

You sound like your helicoptering, thats a choice but you dont get to complain that you are obsessing on unnessacery stuff no one asked you to do.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2021 09:53

I think going to get her is nuts. Surely she just leaves early and gets the train back? I get you are worried about her crossing London if she has to change trains but Surely its just an underground connection station to station? They can do that. Talk them through the connection. Apps now are so good you know exactly which trains you're getting. They will miss the end but will have had a good day.