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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…

314 replies

whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 08:10

First off, I’m going to go and see this parent later today to find out what’s happening. I think this is better than just waiting for 2 teens to sort this situation out.

My DD17 and her BF bought day tickets to Reading festival ages ago.
The BF parents said they will take their caravan and stay nearby so the girls can stay with them at the end of the day.
Great, I agreed for my DD to buy a ticket knowing she can stay with her mates parents afterwards.
All the other friends in the group have got weekend tickets.

For info we live 100 miles away from Reading.

I’ve noticed that no plans are being firmed up and my DD isn’t saying much.

I asked the BF yesterday and she said “my parents are taking us but my dads got work now so are not staying anymore “

So, no one has told me this before and hasn’t thought to tell me that the 2 teens now have no where to stay or anyone getting them at the end.

So , it’s gonna fall to me to drive 200 mile round trip late at night. But no one thinks to actually communicate anything to me.

If it was me I would contact the other parent to say I can’t do what I originally agreed to.

I’m so pissed off. I don’t want to drive to fecking Reading.
I would never have agreed to my DD going if I had to go myself.

I’m absolutely knackered. I have worked relentlessly throughout the past 18 months and feel burnout.

I’ve lost the ability to work out if I’m unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
HGC2 · 08/08/2021 09:55

I’d text the other mum and just say that you’d heard they weren’t taking the caravan and that the girls were being vague and that you just wanted to check that was the case, then when she replied you’ll get an idea of what’s going on. I’d live to think my 17 year old would sort it but she’s just not had the exposure to that sort of responsibility yet and as you say, it’s too far away to test her

TheGumption · 08/08/2021 09:55

Why bother posting when you're going to get arsey? Sort it out yourself.

ImRhondaAndthesearentreal · 08/08/2021 09:55

I'm sorry. I don't understand the bit about "I never would have agreed" and your daughter being 17.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 08/08/2021 09:56

It would involve going across London late at night.

So?

50ShadesOfCatholic · 08/08/2021 09:56

Gee that would REALLY piss me off too.

I don't actually know what to suggest. Unless the girls can somehow share accommodation with friends already booked to stay, it seems they can't go. Massively disappointing especially after such a long period of being able to do next to nothing.

I would try to calm down until I approached the parents but totally understand you feeling extremely irritated about it.

ThunderCrow · 08/08/2021 09:56

The original AIBU was whether you were BU to be resentful at the other parents not calling you. For some posters their answer was no, because they might expect a 17 year old to be able to figure out travel - i.e. from the other parent pov they might assue the same and so have done nothing wrong.

It's not much cop then coming out the gate on about how none of us know your daughter and how she's not yet ready to handle travel alone etc etc. How is the other parent meant to know all this to know that if they change their plans they need to call you?

Had you called them as part of the original plan to ask them to let you know if their plans changed because your daughter wasn't yet eady to make plans herself?

J0rd0 · 08/08/2021 09:57

@mam0918

Shes 17? Why would you collect her?

Nearly everyone I know was going to festivals alone at 17, non of us got lifts from mummy and daddy at that age (at 14/15 yes but not 17), you get the coach, megabus or train.

You sound like your helicoptering, thats a choice but you dont get to complain that you are obsessing on unnessacery stuff no one asked you to do.

That’s a bit unfair. As OP and other PPs have pointed out her DD hasn’t really had the opportunity to learn to be independent due to the pandemic.
mam0918 · 08/08/2021 09:57

HollowTalk - every festival I have been to the camping village is an entirely different area with seperate gaurded access.

no camping = wristband no entry.

In fact many big festivals I have been to you need different wristbands for any different area (arena only, standard camping, pre-built camping, glamping, camper van, family area, disabled area, VIP, guest and a whole bunch or upgrade areas all have unique wristbands that only get you into your booked area)

mam0918 · 08/08/2021 09:58

@mam0918

HollowTalk - every festival I have been to the camping village is an entirely different area with seperate gaurded access.

no camping = wristband no entry.

In fact many big festivals I have been to you need different wristbands for any different area (arena only, standard camping, pre-built camping, glamping, camper van, family area, disabled area, VIP, guest and a whole bunch or upgrade areas all have unique wristbands that only get you into your booked area)

that was meant to be 'No wristband = No camping entry' no idea what happened there lol.
mam0918 · 08/08/2021 10:00

J0rd0 - what 17 year old doesnt already know how to catch a bus?

Thats litrally the only thing they would be doing differently from if OP was picking them up.

Ducksurprise · 08/08/2021 10:01

OP and other PPs have pointed out her DD hasn’t really had the opportunity to learn to be independent due to the pandemic

But when is she going to learn? Swooping in and sorting everything out and contacting parents will not teach her anything.

VetInAVat · 08/08/2021 10:02

I'm near Reading too. Let me know if I can help.

CeceJoyce · 08/08/2021 10:05

I’m like you OP. I’d want to check with the BF parents to see what’s happening. If you agreed she could go to the festival based on the fact they had somewhere to stay and someone bringing them home then it’s only fair you ask for some clarification. I don’t love the idea of my 17 year old leaving a festival late and making their own way home.
Maybe ask BF’s parents how their own dd thought they’d get home. It may not be they expect you to pick them up but they may be happy with them finding their own way home and hadn’t given it another thought.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 08/08/2021 10:06

@VetInAVat

I'm near Reading too. Let me know if I can help.
That's so nice
mam0918 · 08/08/2021 10:06

@whippitwoowoo

Those of you saying “I was travelling at 17” so what?

My dd hasn’t had the opportunity to become independent and explore the world due to a pandemic!
She has been home for most of gcse and first college year.

Going to a festival 100 miles away is not the way to find out how independent she is.

Just get the megabus, I have megabussed from scotland to london and never had to get off the bus or anything, its just one long ride... no idea what you think could possibly happen to her on the bus that couldnt during the actual festival.

It doesnt require independance to catch a coach, your not asking her to fly to australia alone. Its litrally no different than getting the bus into town just your sat on it for longer.

What do you think could happen on a coach that couldnt happen while shes actually at the festival?

vivainsomnia · 08/08/2021 10:07

Checking with the parents is absolutely fine. Nothing wrong with that. Getting arsey, implying they should have contacted you to make arrangement and playing the more dedicated victim who will therefore have to pick them up instead is quite poor form.

spotcheck · 08/08/2021 10:08

I'm amazed at some of the comments.

Yes the OP''s daughter is 17. So what?
Teenagers learn how this stuff works by experience, and there has been precious little opportunity for that.

Op can they upgrade to weekend tickets? It might be expensive, but it will also be expensive if you are messing around with trains etc.

I would contact the other parents too!

HyacynthBucket · 08/08/2021 10:10

Blimey. I had left home when I was 17, up from the country and living in London, where I didn't know anyone. I appreciate that the last 18 months has not been a learning experience re. independence, but all the same ... I would stay home that weekend, OP and enjoy a few large gin and tonics to chill out. You do sound stressed.

MargosKaftan · 08/08/2021 10:11

Actually, if the other parents had offered to your DD that she could stay in their caravan that night and knew she had paid for a day ticket off the back of their offer, if they are now withdrawing that offer, it is extremely shitty of them to not tell your dd directly, but to get their dd to pass on the message - and not a clear message about what exactly is still being offered in way of lifts.

Its not about her being 17, if they had done this to another adult it would be shitty.

If you have offered accommodation and a lift to someone who has booked tickets to an event based on your offer and need to withdraw that offer, you tell the person who you are withdrawing the offer from directly and apologise, you don't sent the message via a 3rd party and hope they get it on time.

The OP/her DD need to speak to the dad who has withdrawn the offer of somewhere to stay to see what he's still offering. But its very very cuntish of him to not phone the person he's withdrawing his lift/accommodation offer from and tell them himself to make sure they know to make other plans.

Be clear to your DD she needs to learn, people like the other girl's dad are not people you can rely on and she definitely needs a plan B than relying on someone like that.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 08/08/2021 10:12

Sell the tickets for this year and tell her to be better organised for next.

MydogWillow · 08/08/2021 10:14

Is your DD not saying anything because it's all sorted somehow and no worrying needed?

I would imagine if she's not done this kind of going before then she'd be anxious about the arrangements and coming to you to ask for help?

I'm sure the other parents won't leave the kids high and dry as they knew they were providing them somewhere to sleep.

I wouldn't assume you need to drive. There'll be an alternative either already arranged or something else perfectly do-able. Try not to worry.

Like you OP I get so pissed off with the "when I was 17 .." blah blah blah comments. These kids haven't had all the usual growing up experiences for more than a year Hmm

MargosKaftan · 08/08/2021 10:17

@allthegoodusernameshavegone

Sell the tickets for this year and tell her to be better organised for next.
No, she was organised. Another adult has let her down and hasn't had the decency to call and tell her they cant do that anymore to give her chance to make other arrangements.

The OP shouldn't need to call the other parents. The other parents should have called the DD to tell her they were no longer able to offer accommodation.

The DD still hasn't been told by the people offering lifts exactly what they are now offering. Someone needs to call them to find out, but that's only because they have behaved hideously rudely by not calling to tell the DD when they changed their plans.

Rebornagain · 08/08/2021 10:20

Bloody Hell is the world a much more scary place now than back in the day?

When I was 17 we were drinking in pubs going clubbing getting drink. Kids these days are so moddlecoddled it is unbelievable

ToomuchHeat · 08/08/2021 10:21

The other parents should be sorting alternative accommodation!!

I imagine it would be impossible to get a taxi to a hotel eg a premier inn.

I agree with you OP these things need to be really organised way ahead. Will your DD be able to stay in a friend's tent? I mean it's two of them really to sort accommodation for.

Where is DD's Dad in all this? Shame (as per usual I guess) all is being left to you to sort.

I guess worse comes to worse she'll have to sell if they can't organise somewhere to stay I can't see you driving if you're so tired