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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…

314 replies

whippitwoowoo · 08/08/2021 08:10

First off, I’m going to go and see this parent later today to find out what’s happening. I think this is better than just waiting for 2 teens to sort this situation out.

My DD17 and her BF bought day tickets to Reading festival ages ago.
The BF parents said they will take their caravan and stay nearby so the girls can stay with them at the end of the day.
Great, I agreed for my DD to buy a ticket knowing she can stay with her mates parents afterwards.
All the other friends in the group have got weekend tickets.

For info we live 100 miles away from Reading.

I’ve noticed that no plans are being firmed up and my DD isn’t saying much.

I asked the BF yesterday and she said “my parents are taking us but my dads got work now so are not staying anymore “

So, no one has told me this before and hasn’t thought to tell me that the 2 teens now have no where to stay or anyone getting them at the end.

So , it’s gonna fall to me to drive 200 mile round trip late at night. But no one thinks to actually communicate anything to me.

If it was me I would contact the other parent to say I can’t do what I originally agreed to.

I’m so pissed off. I don’t want to drive to fecking Reading.
I would never have agreed to my DD going if I had to go myself.

I’m absolutely knackered. I have worked relentlessly throughout the past 18 months and feel burnout.

I’ve lost the ability to work out if I’m unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
NewYearNewTwatName · 08/08/2021 11:02

I can't believe this thread. OP I just read your update, and yes I would be fucked off at the parents and the DD.

I was going to suggest you texted the parents to find out what the plan was. But your DD has managed to get the truth out of her friend now, so all good.

But jesus christ the rest of the thread going on an on an on about 'shes 17 leave her in the middle of a strange city in the middle of the night' is just stupid.

yeah yeah I left home at 16 too, but different times and different personality, I often look back and wonder how I didn't end up dead with some of the decisions I made or pure lack of planning I did.

there is world if difference between 17 and 18 and gaining independence is vital and should start mid teens so they are ready and prepared for adulthood. But still 17 you are responsible her. Plus the added bonus of been stuck at home for 18 months from the pandemic.

PluggingAway · 08/08/2021 11:03

Your DD's mate has cocked up here, not you. You have nothing to feel bad about.

It is a shame for your DD but at least she's learned something about her BF, and maybe a valuable life lesson.

Kiduknot · 08/08/2021 11:05

It’s good that she’s made a grown up decision after finding out the facts - both without you getting involved. Good on her.

Kiduknot · 08/08/2021 11:05

Is the friend pissed off that she has no one to go with anymore, or is this a joint decision?

beigebrownblue · 08/08/2021 11:14

My view is that it is a bit of a long trip (and through London at night) for teens who don't seem to have much experience of journeys like this.

My nearly sixteen year old went up to see her dad on train a few weeks ago, booked tickets herself on trainline app. Three changes on train. Travelled back on her own.

I was aware that this would be a learning curve for her. On trainline you can track their train and see which train they are on and if they have done changes successfully.

I am aware that some of DD's peers would find that journey really difficult as some haven't travelled on buses, let alone trains.

Apart from anything else it is a confidence thing, and knowing what to do if they miss a train etc.

Perhaps you (and they) might have to let this one go.

All you can do at seventeen is encouraging noises, show them the app, hope they learn and grown in confidence and independence.

I know things have changed in covid but at sixteen I went to germany on my own (without the internet) and moved abroad when I was nineteen.

At some point as parents we need to let them learn.

thecatneuterer · 08/08/2021 11:15

@ThisIsStartingToBoreMe

It would involve going across London late at night.

So?

Exactly. So?
Mildmanneredmum · 08/08/2021 11:17

Well, tbh, I don't blame the OP for trying to sort it out now. Better than the 2am call that we got and had to go and get her.....

beigebrownblue · 08/08/2021 11:20

The trainline app also shows you cancelled trains, (at the moment this crops up due to shortages of train drivers)

Don't forget to tell them to get a young persons rail card if they are going. You can get one online a third of the price off a journey.

GrrRightBackAtYou · 08/08/2021 11:20

@SchrodingersImmigrant

They are 17. There should be no need for parents to communicate about this unless the gorls have special needs... They can try to book airbnb or something in there for a night and mske their way home next day.
Sorry Grin

However I would want to know how my 17 year old daughter was getting home from 100 miles away late at night so I would be asking the parents what the plan was too.

Feeling resentful but I don’t know if I’m being irrational or not…
MzHz · 08/08/2021 11:25

@ohthatbloodycat

Or actually, couldn't the girls stay at the caravan on their own?
Good point! Couldn’t the parents drop the caravan down there and pick up after?

Otherwise the basingstoke hotel is a brilliant shout!

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 11:26

If your dd sells her ticket will that leave just her friend going for the day on her own.

She might be with friends who are staying the weekend but going in and coming out of the festival is she going to be on her own.

TedMullins · 08/08/2021 11:28

The pandemic has been going on for almost 1.5 years so being generous and assuming she was 15 when it started - surely she’d have had some level of independence before then? Did she not go out alone with friends during the day into the nearest town/city on the bus or train from 14/15? That was certainly the norm when I was that age, we’d get the train into the nearest city for the cinema and the 11pm bus home. I went to Reading with friends at 18 and got trains there and back from the midlands, loads of people from my school went to download after GCSEs in groups on the train. I’m surprised at 17 she doesn’t feel able to do this, when I was a teenager it would’ve been unusual for anyone NOT to be able to.

Marchitectmummy · 08/08/2021 11:29

Have you looked for an Airbnb? Could that be an option for them?

Bythemillpond · 08/08/2021 11:29

PearlFriday

Mine got a job giving the Covid vaccinations

northbacchus · 08/08/2021 11:33

There's no magic age where children turn into fully-fledged, able to take public transport efficiently adults, especially not children who live closer to city/town centres so don't need to use much public transport to see friends/shop.

Shellfishblastard · 08/08/2021 11:39

Did the BF say that they were expecting you to pick them up?

Viviennemary · 08/08/2021 11:41

I would be annoyed too. I can't stand unreliable people. I think I would just tell DD not to go and you will give her the money she spent on the ticket. If she still wants to go then she'll need to make her own arrangements.

Brefugee · 08/08/2021 11:42

Assuming your DD knew nothing of this until you found out i would be absolutely hopping mad with the other parents. And telling them so. And asking them how their daughter is getting home (even though if i were going to get my DD I'd get theirs too)

And what's with all the "they're 17 let them organise it" - yeah. OK

LanaDelBoy · 08/08/2021 11:45

OP can you clarify - are they staying for just one day then going home again or two days and need to find somewhere to sleep in between?

It'll be really sad for her to sell her ticket - if she is just going home after one day that's totally doable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2021 11:46

The girls won’t sort this out. It will get left to the last minute.

Perfect opportunity for a life lesson to 'sort things out' before the last minute.

Don't drive. Let them figure it out.

OldTinHat · 08/08/2021 11:57

Going to be blunt here and I appreciate plans have fallen through, however I always allowed my DS to go to whatever concert or festival they wanted on the proviso they get themselves there and back. And they always did. They left home at 18 and 19 and are early 20s now but have had the confidence to travel the world - and they've funded all of their tickets and travels. At 17 DS2 went to Sweden alone, 16 he was in Kenya. 18 and South Africa. Give your DC some independence to get there and back, she's 17 not 7!!

NewYearNewTwatName · 08/08/2021 11:57

when I was a teenager

Lol I love poster who do this on threads about parenting teens 😂

could tell you millions of stories of what I could do as a teen, but is totally irrelevant to my teens.

One of my DC at 16 arranged to get into london and out the other side then across country to meet up with a load of friends he'd never met in person before and some he didn't even know, they all met up in city strange to all of them and stayed for 3 night, then DC brought himself home. (obviously there is more detail to this story or I wouldn't have allowed it)

But if me and same DC at 17 was in the same position as OP and her DD. I would actually be exactly the same as OP.
there's letting them be independent and then there's actively putting them in a vulnerable position.

Monestera · 08/08/2021 11:58

She just doesn’t have enough experience or sense of direction.

And she doesn't need either. They'll have travel apps and, most importantly, there'll be two of them.

I wonder what her friend will do if your DD pulls out.

Bagelsandbrie · 08/08/2021 12:03

What’s the worst that could happen? They get lost and ring you and you have to pick them up anyway (if that’s what you wish to do)? Or they get lost and have to ask for help from someone at the train station and then get on the right train? It’s all a learning curve. It’s good for them.