Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

[Hothammock]

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

@Gwenhwyfar

"Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct."

More complaints are made against men. We don't actually know that men commit child sexual abuse more than women do. It might be true and it might not.

Absolute bollocks.

From the Office for National Statistics:

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/sexualoffencesinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017#how-prevalent-are-sexual-assaults

The vast majority of respondents who had experienced rape or assault by penetration since they were 16 reported that the offender(s) were male (99%)

I have to wonder about the agenda of those denying that sexual abuse is a predominantly male crime.

@Staffy1

Maybe the grandmother is always in a separate room (either her or grandfather on the sofa) and doesn’t want to share a bed with the grandfather if there has been a history of affairs, so when the grandson is around, he would have to go in with either one of them and the grandfather is the more appropriate choice.

I think it's this OP. Maybe GM doesn't want ppl to know she despises her husband so much she hasn't shared a bed with him in years and years - maybe she's private about it, so used the GS as an excuse once and continues to do it. She'll be making ppl think she does share a bed with him to keep up appearances. Either way, if you're not comfortable with your children being around this arrangement then of course, you're right to avoid it.

"The vast majority of respondents who had experienced rape or assault by penetration since they were 16 reported that the offender(s) were male (99%)"

Yes, I said that most complaints are made against men. What I said was that we don't actually know who commits most sexual abuse crimes on children because we just don't. We only know who the complaints are against. I think you're probably right that most of the perpetrators are male, but we cannot prove it just with the complaints/reports.

Anecdotally the (sexual) abuse I know of we're talking "family friends", "uncles" and step dad's (all perps male). I bet most people's anecdotal experience is the same. Although women also failing to protect their children perhaps through naivete but also turning a blind eye or not believing/acting on the child's disclosures.

Tbh the more I think about the original scenario the more ridiculous it is. Who puts a child in bed with a man who is well known to behave inappropriately secually and doesn't have respect for his family members. It actually is very clear that this is really inappropriate. I'm feeling quite sad for my nephew now.

@Gwenhwyfar

"The vast majority of respondents who had experienced rape or assault by penetration since they were 16 reported that the offender(s) were male (99%)"

Yes, I said that most complaints are made against men. What I said was that we don't actually know who commits most sexual abuse crimes on children because we just don't. We only know who the complaints are against. I think you're probably right that most of the perpetrators are male, but we cannot prove it just with the complaints/reports.

But in that case, we 'just don't know' anything and everything. Your 'we just don't know' scenario is disingenuous. There would always be the possibility that there are instances of any event that aren't accounted for in recorded stats.

So what would give the impression that the situation might be so different from what recorded data tells us? What gives you the impression that there are significant numbers of female sexual abusers out there but for some reason, virtually no victim has tried to report this? 🤔

Or is this - as it looks - simply a bad faith argument that 'we don't know for sure that this is almost always a male crime' when actually, we are as sure as we ever can be about anything that it is. Stop attempting to distort the reality that children are far, far, far more likely to be at risk of abuse from a man than they are for a woman. It's simply not credible to insist otherwise.

I found it quite striking when I think of my own two boys (11 and 3 and a half) and there has never been an occasion that they have needed to share a bed with a grandfather (or grandmother).

We have stayed (sometimes lived) at their houses. We have holidayed with them in our own accommodation or shared accommodation. The need for this set up has never arisen. One grandad helps us with childcare loads and I know if my little one needed comfort in bed he would lie on top of the bed clothed and give him a cuddle.

As the need for grandad to sleep in with my kid has literally never arisen I think it's creepy that for your nephew it has arisen frequently. Just why?

It's deliberate. There are many other beds available in these examples. It's just creepy and weird.

" Stop attempting to distort the reality that children are far, far, far more likely to be at risk of abuse from a man than they are for a woman. It's simply not credible to insist otherwise."

I'm not insisting otherwise. I'm simply stating that we don't know.
I think it's likely that men are the majority of abusers, but we cannot prove it.

@Hothammock

It's deliberate. There are many other beds available in these examples. It's just creepy and weird.

If there are many other beds available why is dgm on the sofa?

I find it weird. What about the gs's parents? What do they feel about it?

What does the boy say about it?

This is utterly bizarre and feels absolutely wrong.

There are other beds yet still they are being put together? No, no, no.

I've never had a conversation with gs parents about it, they are not present. The gs spends a lot of time with the Grandparents.
Ive never discussed it with the gs either, the gm has said once that gs prefers to sleep with gf but that Was years ago. Apparently they did it at her house too for years. It's a 4 bed house but the gf and gs sleep in the double bed and gm sleeps on the floor. Same room. Don't know if they still have him over for sleepovers like thins now he is older. His mum used the grandparents a lot for childcare as gs was growing up. He practically lived there.

So for years this boy slept in a bed with his grandfather in a house with multiple spare beds?

This reeks of sexual abuse.

Where are his parents? And how are you connected to this family?

My DS would share a room with his grandma might draw the line at a bed though. I think it does seem weird these days but back in the day everyone was sharing beds etc it’s only in modern times that we all have our own rooms and beds. The oddest thing is grandma on the temporary bed but maybe she is glad if a break from grandpas snoring or something.

If you feel there is something going on that’s an entirely different conversation

You asked if it's weird
Yes it is
You asked if it's inappropriate
Yes it is
You asked if you should or ought say something and say that's enough now, DD sleeps in his own bed and own room or he doesn't stay with you. Yes you can as you are his parents

What does your DS want? If both you and DH don't like it then stop it. I would have stopped this years ago

Now my DD aged 13 sometime sneaks into my bed (mum) when she is in pain or unwell. I love watching her sleep, but I'm her mum and am watching over her. She wouldn't do it when older nor do her older siblings.

Your DS should be helped to have healthy boundaries with his DGPs. He can hug them as much as he wants but not be told you have to sleep with gf!!! Especially as there are other beds available. Or the sofa that GM is sleeping on. Such a weird family dynamic which would give concern if others knew it was going on bc GM is leaving her bed so that GF and DGS can literally sleep in same bed - alarm bells

It strikes me this is all about what DGF wants, not what is healthy or normal for DGC or DCs.

As I said my youngest - now 13- the baby of family loves to sneak occasionally into my bed in middle of the night when unwell. Because she is unwell. I don't encourage it despite the fact I love watching her sleeping angel face and being able to easily check on her when she's poorly. She would be mortified if anyone knew as even she knows it's a bit unusual at her age and that she's getting a bit old to do it.

I've slept in same bed as my sis when staying somewhere short of beds and wouldn't hesitate to share a bed with either of my DDs if we were staying over somewhere that had little room/ no spare beds because I'm their mum but id suggest & ask the girls shared bed together first (younger DD is a sleep kicker!)

I'd love to have little toddler pickles- if I get DGC - sleep in with me (single mum, likely to be single GM) when they are little if we were short of beds snd I had the only comfy spare bit of bed but I'd probably give up my bed to their parents so they could . But not once they were bigger - as I'd want them to learn they have a right to privacy as does Nan as they get older.
So they'd have blow up beds or their own.

Your scenario is too weird, your gut feeling that it's not ok is spot on.

Sorry..i find this weird. I have two DSs in early 20s and they both think this is weird too and dont get why if nan is in the picrure, everyone is bed hopping.

Arg when Ive written GF I meant DGF grandad not girlfriend in all my posts as that is what OP talked about

My nan used to make my grandpa sleep on the sofa and me and my sister would sleep in their bed with her. We were about 6 though. Wouldn't want to do it now.

My nan farts like a trooper though

Has the poor boy been being abused all this time? Are you going to speak to him OP?

This is really odd behaviour from the gps. So the gs shares a bed with the gf despite other beds available? The gm sometimes sleeps on the floor in the same room despite other beds being available? How is the gs in himself? Does he interact with you and your family ok? Is he shy? Withdrawn? Does he have issues that would make him scared to sleep alone at night so shares a room with his gps? For ex my dgs age 6 has attachment issues so when he sleeps at our house, despite having his own room here, he likes to settle down in our bed and feels safer if I'm with him. He's the same at home with his mum, he co sleeps with her despite having his own room. It's a habit we would like to break but he is working on lots of other obstacles that are much bigger than this so we taking our time with him (he doesn't have a f due to violence to dgs)

I do think this is so so odd and if it was in my family I think questions would have been asked long ago. At least to see if the gs is OK and needed any help with issues he may have personally. But seems that the dgf is the one making this happen and the dgm is caught up in the 'normality' of it now.

I've bed shared with aunties before but only when no other beds were available and we were all having a sleepover at my dgps and the spare double bed fitted myself, my aunt and my cousin.

I think you need to get more information on this as I would think by now a 17 year old lad would be ok to sleep on his own. Does he have his own bed at home? Any known sleeping issues his parents have mentioned?