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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

199 replies

Hothammock · 07/08/2021 13:16

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

OP posts:
Xmassprout · 07/08/2021 13:36

Is the 17 year old vulnerable in any way? Do they have a clear sense of boundaries and have the assertiveness to speak up if they feel uncomfortable? Do you have a close enough relationship to the 17 year old that they could come to you if they felt something was off?

These are all things I would consider. Although I would be having words about grandma having to sleep on the sofa

thetaleunfolds · 07/08/2021 13:37

I think that’s an odd situation and I would feel uncomfortable. Grandson has somewhere else to sleep, it’s not like he is sleeping in grandpas bed because there’s no other option, and even more so because grandma is the one forced to sleep on the sofa!

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 13:38

"Basically yes I think it is weird and don't like the way I'm made to feel I am the weird one for not liking this. Relying on the wisdom of aibu to get a sense check here."

Does this mean that you have told the family members involved that you think it's weird and won't stay in a house with this sleeping arrangement?

I imagine that would have been quite inflammatory. If it is all above board and normal for them, you have implied it is sordid and creepy. Do you suspect sexual abuse? If not, I can't understand the objection if all concerned are ok with it. Plenty of pp here saying that they do the same.

MiaMarshmallows · 07/08/2021 13:38

Just feels off to me. Sharing a bed is intimate even if you are just sleeping. I also cannot see why a 17 Yr old would turf granny onto the sofa. Very odd.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 13:39

Why do you think it's weird though?

Do you think they have sex?

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 07/08/2021 13:40

Do grandparents share a bed at home? Mine always had separate beds by the time I came along, so maybe they don’t enjoy sharing, whatever the circumstances?

There’s no reason why this should set off your ick-ometer. At 17 if the boy was uncomfortable for any reason he would be in a position where he could do something about it.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/08/2021 13:40

why is everyone hung up on 17 yo not offering to sleep on sofa?
if I was that grandma I'd rather sleep on the sofa than next to the warthog chainsaw factory sounds my DH generates.
it's her choice, by the sound of it, she's not pushed to sleep there ffs.

It's an unusual arrangement I wouldn't choose to do as a teenager but if they are all happy I wouldn't assume anything malicious and couldn't care less.

MiaRoma · 07/08/2021 13:40

I find it odd that there IS somewhere else for grandson to sleep and yet he's choosing ??? to sleep with an elderly non parental relative.

If he's choosing that's a very odd choice for a young man

If he is in some way cajoled or coerced then....

sergeilavrov · 07/08/2021 13:41

If you suspect historic sexual abuse, please report it. These situations can be the result of a normalisation of inappropriate behaviour earlier in life, and grooming means that even a 17 year old won’t be able to push back against it or even recognise their own discomfort.

I wouldn’t go on holiday with anyone I felt was potentially engaging in sexually exploitative acts, to do so would be complicit. I would, however, speak up to appropriate authorities who could investigate.

greenlynx · 07/08/2021 13:41

It’s a strange set up. I was also wondering about snoring, back issues or any other medical reasons.
My DD has additional needs and when on holiday ( at the age of 15) she was sleeping with me on a double bed because the sofa was in a adjoining room and she wouldn’t sleep on her own. DH slept on the sofa, not ideal but…

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 13:41

Depending on Grandma's age and fitness. The sofa isn't a huge issue. Mil will only stay on our sofa when she stays.
Is Grandma happy with arrangement?

prettyteapotsplease · 07/08/2021 13:42

I don't like the idea at all of GF and GS sharing a bed.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 07/08/2021 13:43

I think it's inappropriate. Massively though that a 17yo almost-man shouldn't be ousting his grandmother to the sofa. Grandparents should be sleeping in the bed and he should he sleeping on the sofa.

That said. I wouldn't feel comfortable with any male relative, besides DH, sharing a bed with my son (or daughter if I had one) at any age.

AngryWhompingWillow · 07/08/2021 13:50

@Hothammock

It's pretty weird IMO. As a few pps have said, it just feels 'off.'

Grandma being decanted to the sofa to make way for the 17 y.o grandson to share a bed with grandpa, is plain odd IMO.

Also, I don't know a single 17 y.o who would want to share a BED with their grandparent. Confused Most of them would prefer to sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor tbh.

girlmom21 · 07/08/2021 13:52

It does feel strange but do you think there's any genuine reason for concern, or does it just feel strange.

Ultimately, do you feel that the grandfather is a risk to your children? That's what I feel you're getting at here.

Do you think the grandparents would respect your children's boundaries?

Clancey · 07/08/2021 13:53

Not sure, but it could get granny out of having sex.

Years ago a friend went on holiday with the IL, the MIL thought that her & her DIL would share one bed & FIL & son share the other bed.

godmum56 · 07/08/2021 13:57

I don't know the ins and outs of whether its appropriate in their circumstances but if YOU don't feel right about it, then I can see why you would decide not to expose your kids to it.

stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 13:58

Nope, I wouldn't be comfortable with this arrangement.

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 13:59

Unless there's a major backstory, then no, I don't find this odd. Noone would bat an eyelid of a 17 year old girl sharing with granny.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 13:59

Can people explain why they wouldn't be comfortable with it?

stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:01

I work with victims of child abuse that is why Iused and 95% of them are abused by a family relative or a friend.

There is no need to sleep together in this way, and to leave an elderly lady on the sofa is just ridiculous.

It would be a definite no from me, with younger and older children/teens

CantBeAssed · 07/08/2021 14:01

I think if my 17year old took bed space and expected granny to lie on a sofa, he,d be given a clip round the ear and reminded of good manners...Hmm

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 07/08/2021 14:03

@Clancey

Not sure, but it could get granny out of having sex.

Years ago a friend went on holiday with the IL, the MIL thought that her & her DIL would share one bed & FIL & son share the other bed.

Wtf? How did that conversation go? Shock Shock Come back and tell is more! Grin Grin It's like something out of Roald Dahl.
VienneseWhirligig · 07/08/2021 14:06

I lived with my nan and had my own bedroom, but 95% of the time shared her double bed because she had a telly and a teasmaid Grin. I usually share a room with her on holiday now (I suspect my family pair us up as the two widows...)

VienneseWhirligig · 07/08/2021 14:06

Meant to add, I lived with her as a teen until I moved in with my boyfriend at 19.

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