Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

[Hothammock]

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

I don’t see an issue

i think a girl or woman sharing a bed with her mother or GM or aunt on occasion is quite different to a 17 year old sharing with GF.
there are obvious differences with males.
also 17 is not quite old enough perhaps to be a fully autonomous adult, so he may just be going along with expectations from childhood.
the GPs should end this practice; they should be in bed together, and 17 year old on sofa/airbed.

It is a little strange. I wouldn't want that for my DC.

Come on, as long as the gs isn't being coerced into the arrangement.
I still sleep in the same bed as my aunt if need be, have done since young, I am pushing now.

Seeing your post about the grandfather's extra marital affairs and other odd sleeping arrangements. I wonder if the situation is that grandma would rather not sleep with her husband; is it a case of them staying together because they feel they 'should' but there is no relationship between them anymore ?

so it definitely sounds creepy; as if he is being used as a buffer between the GPs.
that is totally wrong. they are shewing no parental care for the 17 year old, just shoving him in, presumably to keep GM away from GF.
you are right OP.
this is wrong. don't go along with it. challenge it if you can. be a listening ear/supportive presence for the 17 year old.
he is being used in adult power plays, at the very least.
GF sleeps where/with whom he likes, and no one says anything, just lets him continue by ignoring it. this is part of the same.
you can stand up for the boy, OP. good for you.

@truthseeker34 sorry I'm not sure what you mean. Its always thee same gs in the bed with the GF yes, since he was very small. Once he got to age 12 I started thinking this is odd and my dh called it out as described. Its still going on now he is 17.

I agree with what @alexdgr8 says though . Whilst there is no reason why the grandparents should have to share a bed , it is odd to put a child in this position , and they shouldn't be doing that.

@Rubyupbeat

Come on, as long as the gs isn't being coerced into the arrangement. I still sleep in the same bed as my aunt if need be, have done since young, I am pushing now.

Would you have with your uncle though? A female child sharing with a female relative is a very different situation due to the statistics around sexual abuse and societal norms within family units. It seems disingenuous for people to say otherwise?

Surely the answer is to book somewhere that has another room, even a box room, for a holiday. Or not holiday with grandparents, not stay over with relatives if the grandparents are in the party.

I'm not saying it's abuse. I'm just saying it's peculiar. Perhaps gs is just caught in the middle of oddness between gf and gm but in any case that isn't OK either and I don't want to pretend it is OK and I don't want my kids thinking it's OK either.

There's your answer, OP. I think if this were me in the same position, I'd feel the same.

Mine have slept in with granny on holiday at all ages, I dont think it's weird at all.

But she's single so they're not kicking out the other grandparent to make it happen.

Strange to put one half of a couple on the sofa and a teenager taking their space

I was thinking the absolute worse case scenario, but I usually do. Its good there is balance with the other comments.

Nearly everyone that has stated that this is fine and normal and given anecdotal evidence in their own family has talked about sharing with gran or auntie. It is very different because gran and auntie are much more likely to be safe adults and males much more likely to carry out abuse. That is not to say that no females are abusers but this is much more rare (and often complicit with a male abuser). Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct. Reasonable boundaries keep people safer.

Also "wild accusations" of sexual abuse. It's not rare it's depressingly common - I'm aware of a few people who have shared this with me over the years and I'm sure I will know more who have never shared this with me or perhaps anyone.

What I'm most shocked at in this thread is the sheer number of people saying "if the 17 year old is happy it's all fine" as if children that have grown up being abused just confidently announce "I'm not sleeping with him - he rapes me" ffs. You don't expect your children to keep themselves safe from abuse that is the parents' (and every adults) job. My children have two lovely grandads. They have never slept with either of them. Never have - never will. Why would they?

@winter2020 I have to admit that I am of your school of thought on this.
Just because you don't look when you cross the road doesn't mean you will be knocked down but it definitely means it will be more likely. So you teach your children to observe certain rules to keep themselves safe. For me, rules are being breached in this scenario, rules around personal space, boundaries in family relationships and respect for family relationships. These are red flags.
I have no desire to wade in and cause a fuss unless I actually saw something or heard something clearly not OK.
But I will definitely be keeping my kids out of this dynamic.

Winter2020, well put.
sometimes common sense, received wisdom, gets lost in being too tolerant.
one doesn't want to be so broad minded so as to slip into having no boundaries.

@Winter2020

Nearly everyone that has stated that this is fine and normal and given anecdotal evidence in their own family has talked about sharing with gran or auntie. It is very different because gran and auntie are much more likely to be safe adults and males much more likely to carry out abuse. That is not to say that no females are abusers but this is much more rare (and often complicit with a male abuser). Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct. Reasonable boundaries keep people safer.

Also "wild accusations" of sexual abuse. It's not rare it's depressingly common - I'm aware of a few people who have shared this with me over the years and I'm sure I will know more who have never shared this with me or perhaps anyone.

What I'm most shocked at in this thread is the sheer number of people saying "if the 17 year old is happy it's all fine" as if children that have grown up being abused just confidently announce "I'm not sleeping with him - he rapes me" ffs. You don't expect your children to keep themselves safe from abuse that is the parents' (and every adults) job. My children have two lovely grandads. They have never slept with either of them. Never have - never will. Why would they?

That's really made me rethink my response. You're right it is different when it's grandad as opposed to grannie.

It depends on cultural norms as well. In many countries these sort of sleeping arrangements are the norm, when you have multi generational households, and smaller accomodation. It is for my Eastern European family.

well good on you for admitting a change of heart, carriehagshaw.
that's the sign of an intelligent honest and open mind.
i was surprised so many were over-looking that salient fact.
no said they often slept with GF. nor their children.
i did know someone who was repeatedly sexually abused as a young boy, having to sleep with GF, on frequent w/e.
he felt enormous responsibility for somehow containing this aberrant behaviour. he was about 5 when it started. at 8 he asked to train to be a priest. RC. was told too young, to come back when 11 !
which he did. and went right through, to try to be as good as possible, maybe it would make things right.
he did his best to be a good priest. never made what seemed to me an obvious connection.
when he found out 40 years later that his brother had been subjected to the same thing, he felt cheated somehow. he thought he was bearing the burden. but there was in fact nothing he could do to make it better. he thought it was only him, and he would try to bear it.

"Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct."

More complaints are made against men. We don't actually know that men commit child sexual abuse more than women do. It might be true and it might not.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct."

More complaints are made against men. We don't actually know that men commit child sexual abuse more than women do. It might be true and it might not.

This is like when my friends tried to tell me more women might be domestic abusers but it’s just that it’s not reported- it’s not true!

@Gwenhwyfar

"Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct."

More complaints are made against men. We don't actually know that men commit child sexual abuse more than women do. It might be true and it might not.

ODFOD.

The revelation that its always the same grandson makes it worse. Something dubious is going on and frankly you are wise to keep your children out of it, OP.

"This is like when my friends tried to tell me more women might be domestic abusers but it’s just that it’s not reported- it’s not true!"

Difficult for women to physically abuse men because men are generally stronger.
The same is not true about women and children.

@Gwenhwyfar

"Some people have said it is a sexist perspective but sexual abuse is sexist - it is more likely to be comitted by males. I wouldn't put my child at greater risk of abuse to be politically correct."

More complaints are made against men. We don't actually know that men commit child sexual abuse more than women do. It might be true and it might not.

This is satire, yes? You didn't actually type that with a straight face?

I don't think it's inappropriate unless there is something sexual going on which is an enormous stretch to assume that just based on the fact they are sharing a bed. I do think it is strange though that the GS isn't sleeping on the sofa and the GM in her bed.