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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

199 replies

Hothammock · 07/08/2021 13:16

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

OP posts:
budgun · 07/08/2021 15:49

I see you got my post deleted. My apologies for the inflammatory language, although I stand by my principal point that the behaviour (and perhaps the dynamic?) are indistinguishable from grooming. I don’t like to see people minimise or deny that.

It was not your language I objected to. It was the accusation I was complicit in grooming. You have literally devastated me with that comment. I don't think you realise just how far your words have travelled. You were plain nasty and your comment unnecessary.

I had a warning myself because of my response to you, but I will take that every time if it means I defend myself against that kind of accusation.

BigWoollyJumpers · 07/08/2021 16:01

@butterry

Of course it's not normal. At 17 he is close to an adult and should have his own bed. His grandparents I assume sleep in the same bed usually and the sleeping arrangement shouldn't change. Especially to put an elderly woman on the sofa! It's highly inappropriate. I wouldn't expect a 17 year old to sleep with a parent either unless there was no other space, let alone push someone else out of their usual arrangement.
None of my grandparents ever slept in the same bed, too much snoring and getting up for wees. Therefore I am not at all surprised that GP's prefer sleeping apart. Perhaps the 17 year old (as are most) boys, sleeps very soundly and therefore not disturbed by snoring etc.

I don't think anyone would find it weird if a 17 year old granddaughter slept with her grandma, or her mother, so why the difference? It's all in people's minds.

CrazyNeighbour · 07/08/2021 16:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrazyNeighbour · 07/08/2021 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

budgun · 07/08/2021 16:08

@CrazyNeighbour

It was not your language I objected to. It was the accusation I was complicit in grooming.

Are you saying that your original question was genuine? I (and others) certainly read it as looking to set a trap so you could accuse me/others of being paranoid/off/ crazy etc.

The key failure on your (you and others) side was to take everything completely at face value, and not question anything at all. As someone else here said about a different topic “so open minded their brain fell out”

For me the give away (plain sight obvious) is this happens on holidays. Who books a holiday that doesn’t give everyone a proper mattress and appropriate sleeping arrangements: why have the holiday sleeping arrangements ended up like this… repeatedly. For whose benefit?

To me all the granny snores/wants a break/ excuses are so obviously bullshit that I cannot believe anyone would try to befuddle the OP by defending them or making her second guess herself. Why would anyone do that?

I never failed anybody here. Leave it alone. Please. I have already told you that your accusations have caused me distress. If you are all about doing the right thing. How about listening?

CorianderBee · 07/08/2021 16:13

If necessary it's fine (ie not enough beds, grandad and child both the singletons) but it's odd that he'd basically oust grandma from her bed.

cabbageking · 07/08/2021 16:17

Don't see any issue if he is happy to do so

There has been no issues with something he has done for years why would you object now?
Have you discussed it with him?

notanothertakeaway · 07/08/2021 16:20

Sounds inappropriate to me. I'm surprised so many people are saying they'd be ok with it

Didskit · 07/08/2021 16:21

I slept in bed with my GM when I stayed with her, it wasnt something I even gave much thought to. Just used to watch films in bed and then fall asleep 🤷🏼‍♀️. I’ve always liked my own space aswell but that never bothered me as I’d been doing it since I was very young.

ancientgran · 07/08/2021 16:22

@kowari

Maybe gdad snores and grandmother is happy for a break.
Oh yes, a night with no snoring. Bliss.
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/08/2021 16:25

It's all in people's minds.

Except it isn't. Because adults do frequently later report abuse within families that they'd been conditioned into seeing as normalised. This is common. It bothers me that society would rather see this issue as a figment of 'people's minds' than accept that nasty things do, indeed, happen to children and at the hands of their own families. It seems this is just too uncomfortable for some.

To me it's benefits vs. risk. What's the worst that can happen if you do listen to your instincts? Now, what's the worst that can happen if you don't?

Had this been a one-off or something which has happened on occasion, I'd likely think nothing of it. That it happens frequently, apparently by design, is less usual, and the mere fact that they're apparently not trying to hide anything doesn't necessarily mean there's nothing to hide. This isn't a conventional arrangement in our culture. It might be entirely innocent. On the other hand, it might not. And even if no abuse is involved at all, I can understand why it would cause any parent to question where healthy boundaries should lie.

OP, if your gut's telling you something's 'off', listen.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 16:27

If there was anything dodgy about it, the seventeen year old boy would not do it.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 16:29

If there was anything dodgy about it, surely the 17 year old grandson would object to sharing with his grandfather.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 16:30

Sorry, didn't mean to say almost the same thing twice. It looked as though my first post hadn't gone through.

CrazyNeighbour · 07/08/2021 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 07/08/2021 16:36

I think it seems a bit odd doing it every time they've stayed somewhere, no matter the bedroom configuration! I can understand why you'd sometimes do it for practical reasons though.

We used to sometimes do it on holiday — people going for an early morning sail would go in the same room so we didn't wake everybody else as we went out. And I've shared a double mattress in a tent with my dad when camping in my twenties — the other option was that I shared with my DSis and DF and DSis's boyfriend shared, so the other way around made more sense.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 07/08/2021 16:51

Nope. Weird and unacceptable. I’d not be hiding that opinion from the 17yr old either.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 07/08/2021 16:52

It is definitely odd.... No one can say whether you're being unreasonable or not...

Of course, years ago, families would often share beds... But then sex abuse was rife... It was too easy and too easy before modern science to prove, to get away with

Context is EVERYTHING. If it is a close pleasant relationship then its completely up to them whether they share a bed.

Original poster
Hothammock · 07/08/2021 16:52

You have all got me thinking about what else makes me feel off about this and yes it is the other little things around the edges that make we think think this is not 'normal' behaviour and I don't want to play along as if it is.

GF has a long history of extra marital affairs which everyone pretends didn't happen, despite him knowing everyone knows. It's just a family habit of dishonesty so I suppose I am prejudiced.

On one occasion years ago when everyone was visiting a relative gm put gs in with gf and went and slept on the floor in another room with the other grandchildren. A bed had been made for gs there with the other children but she made a big scene about her wanting that one and gs wanting to sleep with gf because that was what he was used to. Neither gf or gs expressed any views on the subject I just remember her making a big kerfuffle about it. Dh raised it with her and said it is odd behaviour and she shouldn't really be bunking in with the kids as it disturbs them and we need to go in look after them in the night. She went crazy, weeping and going on about how she always does her utmost for her gchildren to ensure their comfort and so put gs in the bed. Dh left her to it and didn't raise again. We have seen the same arrangement again in other places over the years.

I suppose these are red flags for me that something is off. I'm not saying it's abuse. I'm just saying it's peculiar. Perhaps gs is just caught in the middle of oddness between gf and gm but in any case that isn't OK either and I don't want to pretend it is OK and I don't want my kids thinking it's OK either.

Thanks for all your views, it is really helpful to hear both reactions.

OP posts:
Wishes2020 · 07/08/2021 16:59

I suppose these are red flags for me that something is off. I'm not saying it's abuse. I'm just saying it's peculiar. Perhaps gs is just caught in the middle of oddness between gf and gm but in any case that isn't OK either and I don't want to pretend it is OK and I don't want my kids thinking it's OK either.

I think you’ve made a sensible decision. You don’t need to accuse anyone of committing a crime to find a situation inappropriate. I’d do the same thing if I was in your position.

Staffy1 · 07/08/2021 17:08

Maybe the grandmother is always in a separate room (either her or grandfather on the sofa) and doesn’t want to share a bed with the grandfather if there has been a history of affairs, so when the grandson is around, he would have to go in with either one of them and the grandfather is the more appropriate choice.

ScrumptiousBears · 07/08/2021 17:17

Does the grandmother normally sleep apart from grandfather? Is it a case she won't sleep with him (maybe due to the affairs) and therefore this is why grandson falls in-line to keep the peace?

kowari · 07/08/2021 17:18

@Staffy1
Yes, that's a possibility. My GM's husband sleeps in the spare room, when someone stays he moves to the sofa. Not all couples sleep together.

ScrumptiousBears · 07/08/2021 17:18

Clearly cross post sorry.

Truthseeker34 · 07/08/2021 17:24

Is it the same gs ? I don't feel good about this