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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

199 replies

Hothammock · 07/08/2021 13:16

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

OP posts:
Nowhereelsetogo90 · 07/08/2021 14:53

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

No I wouldn’t. But the GS isn’t sharing a bed with his grandmother? Confused

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:53

So what should you do if you suspect grooming/sexual abuse? Because a poster further up said not to tell the police as its just a read flag with no evidence.

So what do you do? Do you speak to the victim?

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 07/08/2021 14:54

@ineedaholidaynow

No not if we go away. When I was single though I’d go home at Christmas and my DF would sleep on couch and I’d sleep in bed with DM, DF insisted so I’d be comfy even when I argued.

1forAll74 · 07/08/2021 14:58

It seems a bit odd initially, but you can't go judging other peoples arrangements,if this is their way of doing things. It shouldn't really affect you going on holiday with them, if you know get on with them normally.

VenusTiger · 07/08/2021 14:59

Why do ppl always jump to 'weird'?
What if this was a grandmother and grandaughter?

Seems innocent enough to me. None of your business is it.

Girlintheframe · 07/08/2021 15:00

I honestly can't see why this is strange.
They are family.
Unless there is a massive back story sharing a bed with a family member seems perfectly normal to me.
Most likely DGM is choosing to sleep on the sofa.

butterry · 07/08/2021 15:03

Of course it's not normal. At 17 he is close to an adult and should have his own bed. His grandparents I assume sleep in the same bed usually and the sleeping arrangement shouldn't change. Especially to put an elderly woman on the sofa! It's highly inappropriate. I wouldn't expect a 17 year old to sleep with a parent either unless there was no other space, let alone push someone else out of their usual arrangement.

campion · 07/08/2021 15:04

CallMeNutribullet

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun

Can people explain why they wouldn't be comfortable with it?

Yes. Bed sharing beyond a young age, especially with a male relative can be a safeguarding red flag and is something you learn in safeguarding training

OP has sensed that something isn't right, boundaries are being crossed. Abuse can happen in plain sight, unfortunately.
Who knows if it's innocent or not but it's not average family behaviour.

Notapheasantplucker · 07/08/2021 15:05

If the 17yo is happy with this arrangement then YABU and not your business.

budgun · 07/08/2021 15:07

@CrazyNeighbour

I have just reported your post. What a nasty nasty thing to accuse someone of for asking a question.

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 15:14

*Crowtooyo

@CrazyNeighbourI assume you've never left your children with anyone ever? Never left them with a grandparent, babysitter, nursery, school?

Why would you assume that?*

@CrazyNeighbour
The reason I assume that is because you automatically assume that a grandfather sharing a bed with a grandson is grooming. So I assume you've never left your children with anyway. Abuse doesn't just happen by sharing a bed.

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 15:14

[quote budgun]@CrazyNeighbour

I have just reported your post. What a nasty nasty thing to accuse someone of for asking a question. [/quote]
I'm reporting too. That last one was uncalled for.

LowlandLucky · 07/08/2021 15:18

Don't see what the problem is. My 14 year old DGD still lies on our bed in the morning to chat to her Grandfather whilst i make breakfast, she has always done it and i suppose she will stop when she feels like it.

liveforsummer · 07/08/2021 15:20

If the 17yo is happy with this arrangement then YABU and not your business.

If they haven't known any different they may well not realise it's not standard or appropriate.

AnyOldPrion · 07/08/2021 15:21

[quote Hothammock]@fourminutestosavetheworld in the sense that I don't feel comfortable about it so wouldn't want to host them in this arrangement or stay in same house with this arrangement.
Basically yes I think it is weird and don't like the way I'm made to feel I am the weird one for not liking this. Relying on the wisdom of aibu to get a sense check here.[/quote]
Sounds to me as if you might be picking up bad vibes, rather than instinctively shying away from the theoretical idea of it. Is there anything else about the relationship that seems off?

It may be perfectly innocent, but I would probably go with my instinct, rather than overruling it.

kowari · 07/08/2021 15:25

@butterry

Of course it's not normal. At 17 he is close to an adult and should have his own bed. His grandparents I assume sleep in the same bed usually and the sleeping arrangement shouldn't change. Especially to put an elderly woman on the sofa! It's highly inappropriate. I wouldn't expect a 17 year old to sleep with a parent either unless there was no other space, let alone push someone else out of their usual arrangement.
The OP did not say the grandmother was elderly Confused. If my 60 year old mother wanted to sleep on the sofa and let my 15 year old share a bed with his 60 year old grandfather I wouldn't care in the slightest.
RantyAunty · 07/08/2021 15:30

I've done this on sleepovers plenty of times and nothing sordid at all.
There's been a couple of times where everyone fell asleep on one of those big sectional sofas watching tv. Pets included!

Had to share with my grown son a couple of times. I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable so full long pjs, dressing gown, and separate blanket and I scooched to the edge lol.

Me and the kids and grandkids all climbed into bed when my DH(Their dad, grandad) was dying so he didn't die alone.

liveforsummer · 07/08/2021 15:36

@RantyAunty all those examples are different. I mean at best it's naive of the grandad to put himself in that situation. What happens when the 17 yo, not realising it's not really the done thing, mentions he sleeps with his grandad to a mate. Next thing you know mate has gone round joking that Ben's grandad is a 'pedi' word spreads then the innocent grandad is having stones thrown at his hies and burning paper put through his letter box ...

Gwenhwyfar · 07/08/2021 15:38

"If my 60 year old mother wanted to sleep on the sofa and let my 15 year old share a bed with his 60 year old grandfather I wouldn't care in the slightest."

A 60 year old is still old enough to be given a bed over a 15 year old imo.

Also, for a 60 year old to have a grandchild of 15 means two generations of quite young parents.
Around 17 years ago the average age of a mother was around 27 and 27 years before that the average age was around 24 so that would make an average grandparent of a 17 year old closer to 70 than 60.

sergeilavrov · 07/08/2021 15:39

@budgun Do you know what ‘if’ means, or did you miss it?

We shouldn’t ignore gut feelings: there is clearly a reason OP feels she needs to ask, and that is a good first step. If nothing is happening, no harm done. If something is, then that child will be safer and have access to support thanks to the report. If my comment wasn’t what OP is getting at, then I’m sure she is competent enough to scroll past.

How many young people were and are abused in plain site, later coming back to say ‘but why didn’t you step in?’ I occasionally contribute work to CSE detection around the world, and silence is the biggest source of vulnerability to exploitation. It’s happening everywhere around you, shutting your eyes doesn’t make it go away.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/08/2021 15:40

@VenusTiger

Why do ppl always jump to 'weird'? What if this was a grandmother and grandaughter?

Seems innocent enough to me. None of your business is it.

Grandmother and granddaughter would also be weird if granddad was on the sofa.
CrazyNeighbour · 07/08/2021 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babyroobs · 07/08/2021 15:42

Maybe Gran snores or something?

changes50 · 07/08/2021 15:46

I'd rather buy a cheap sleeping bag and sleep on the floor but then I'm really tactile defensive lol

kowari · 07/08/2021 15:47

Also, for a 60 year old to have a grandchild of 15 means two generations of quite young parents.
Around 17 years ago the average age of a mother was around 27 and 27 years before that the average age was around 24 so that would make an average grandparent of a 17 year old closer to 70 than 60.
I still think it's silly to assume the grandparents are elderly. They might be in their fifties, they might be in their nineties. Elderly to me is at about 75 or older.