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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandfather Sleeps in bed with 17 year old grandson

199 replies

Hothammock · 07/08/2021 13:16

As title.

Happens On family hols, when staying over at relatives houses and over many years. They choose this sleeping arrangement.
Grandson used to spend a lot of time with grand parents when small and it seems to have just been a sleeping arrangement that has kept on as he has got bigger and bigger. Grandmother is in the picture and chooses to sleep on sofa or air bed.

Aibu - this is really weird behaviour and should not be normalised and it's OK for me to refuse to go on hols with them or allow my kids to stay over as they obviously don't have normal boundaries

Yabu-this is withing the realm of normal family relationships and get over it

OP posts:
Lulola · 07/08/2021 14:08

I used to share with my nan and my grandad have a sofa bed, but he would tend to stay up later. I also used to share with my aunt if I stayed at theirs until I stopped going over at around 16years old. We would watch films in bed and chat, it was never anything weird.

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 14:10

It does seem odd, especially for those of us who have never done it, but unless grandfather is a pervert (and I doubt he is), where's the harm?

As for the boy sleeping on the sofa/air bed and letting grandma share with granddad, maybe she doesn't sleep with him usually. That's often the case as people get older, have rheumatic problems and/or restless sleep, having to get up in the night, etc. If she wasn't happy with the arrangement she wouldn't do it.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:10

@CantBeAssed

I think if my 17year old took bed space and expected granny to lie on a sofa, he,d be given a clip round the ear and reminded of good manners...Hmm
What happens if granny says, no, it's fine. Back and forth. Who wins? Do you tie her down?
Cuddlyrottweiler · 07/08/2021 14:11

@Iusedtobesoooomuchfun
The most likely person to abuse a child is a male relative.

I would feel very uncomfortable with a man wanting to share a bed with a child. I know a man who does and I will never let him be unsupervised near my child.

budgun · 07/08/2021 14:12

@sergeilavrov

If you suspect historic sexual abuse, please report it. These situations can be the result of a normalisation of inappropriate behaviour earlier in life, and grooming means that even a 17 year old won’t be able to push back against it or even recognise their own discomfort.

I wouldn’t go on holiday with anyone I felt was potentially engaging in sexually exploitative acts, to do so would be complicit. I would, however, speak up to appropriate authorities who could investigate.

OP has not said they suspect historic sexual abuse, or any other kind of abuse.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:13

[quote Cuddlyrottweiler]@Iusedtobesoooomuchfun
The most likely person to abuse a child is a male relative.

I would feel very uncomfortable with a man wanting to share a bed with a child. I know a man who does and I will never let him be unsupervised near my child.[/quote]
So I'm guessing you don't leave your DCs alone with their dad? He could quite possible touch them. No of us really know.

Tistheseason17 · 07/08/2021 14:13

Why does Granny sleep on sofa instead of grandson - very bizarre and not normal.

GreatAuntEmily · 07/08/2021 14:14

Thinking about it more - if there is no justification for it , which there doesn't seem to be, it is odd.
But what is the DGS like - it has prob been normalised but at 17 he at least shouldn't be wholly comfortable with it.

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 14:15

@stepupandbecounted

I work with victims of child abuse that is why Iused and 95% of them are abused by a family relative or a friend.

There is no need to sleep together in this way, and to leave an elderly lady on the sofa is just ridiculous.

It would be a definite no from me, with younger and older children/teens

Whilst I agree with your fact that a very high percentage of child abuse comes from someone they know. It doesn't mean that 95% of people will abuse children. We can't live our life in that fear. I trust my dad through and through and I'd let him share a bed with my children.
RadandMad · 07/08/2021 14:16

Sorry, but I think this is as weird AF.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:17

@RadandMad

Sorry, but I think this is as weird AF.
Why?
stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:17

That is your choice crow I would say you can never be a 100% sure of anyone, and taking the cautious approach will always be the safest option. I would question why an older man would want to share a bed with children in the first place? Any bonding with grandchildren can take place during the day, I also feel it is important children grow up with strong boundaries. How comfortable do they feel sharing a bed with your dad? How sure can you be that they are not keeping quiet about their feelings to prevent offence?

CrazyNeighbour · 07/08/2021 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stepupandbecounted · 07/08/2021 14:22

Assuming your father is a decent man he is also putting himself at great risk sleeping with your children, he is leaving himself wide open to accusations of inappropriate behaviour, and any investigation that followed would surely question the need for an older man to sleep with small children.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:23

@CrazyNeighbour

People on this thread have actually said its something they used to do. They were not being abused.

If OP really believes, hand on heart that this 17 year old has been abused by his grandad since he was a young child then she should go to the police NOW.

Fangdango · 07/08/2021 14:24

I think the only question is about Nan really (and only for her, unless she shows signs of being downtrodden). When I have guests I prefer the apparently more uncomfortable arrangement of e.g. sleeping downstairs to having them in that space. Not unselfish. Means I can get on with my day, grab a late night snack etc without worrying about them.

Nan may not sleep in the same bed as grandad anyway, but would she say so?

If this is a well appointed mansion with many bedrooms and a second kitchen, the set up is surprising. If it's nan and grandad's small house, they could just be doing what's most comfortable for them in the space they own.

User5827372728 · 07/08/2021 14:25

Eeerm I slept in a bed with my granny until I was about 14 and only stopped because she passed away. I didn’t have a grandad but would it be more unacceptable to have done it with him?

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 14:27

@stepupandbecounted

That is your choice crow I would say you can never be a 100% sure of anyone, and taking the cautious approach will always be the safest option. I would question why an older man would want to share a bed with children in the first place? Any bonding with grandchildren can take place during the day, I also feel it is important children grow up with strong boundaries. How comfortable do they feel sharing a bed with your dad? How sure can you be that they are not keeping quiet about their feelings to prevent offence?
I just feel it's sexist of you to pin point just the 'older man' Statistically speaking it is more likely for a male to abuse than female, but there are still female abusers. I just feel by your notion, we can't trust anyone. Do you let your child's grandfather look after them? Why is sharing a bed any different? Abuse can happen anywhere.

I don't actually have children, although my dad is a grandfather. I wouldn't have a problem with it. I used to share a bed with him when my mum was away.
But I work in a field where I've had plenty of child protection training. I'd still trust my dad.

Fangdango · 07/08/2021 14:27

And surely lots of families share beds in same sex combinations when they're visiting / on holiday? If you're considering a holiday with them, easy to have a talk with grandson and say, just working out bedrooms if we come - are you happier sharing with grandad or would you prefer X other arrangement? Perfect opportunity to have that conversation.

Funnylittlefloozie · 07/08/2021 14:27

It would be nice if the OP filled in a bit of back story, instead of plopping down a very inflammatory question and running away.

With the very limited information we have, yes, its weird. Grandad is opening himself up to suspicion and maybe even false accusations. It feels disrespectful to oust grandma from her bed. It is very unusual for a conventional 17 year old boy to want to share a bed with his grandfather.

Nancydrawn · 07/08/2021 14:28

Would you feel uncomfortable if your daughter bunked with her grandmother, while her grandfather took the couch?

amateursleuth · 07/08/2021 14:28

imagine in a few years the grandson says “Of course I was being abused when I was sharing a bed with my grandfather and everyone knew, and was gaslighting me as to it being perfectly normal”.
Nobody normal does this, and when you normalize it like your faux innocent question does you are participating in grooming.

This. And for the posts saying 'no one would think this of a girl sharing with her nan' that's because sexual abusers are overwhelmingly male.

No, I would not be holidaying with this family.

vdbfamily · 07/08/2021 14:29

Crazy, that is such a judgemental connect. Just because something is not normal in your bubble does not mean it is not normal elsewhere. If we looked at what happens across the world, this is far more normal than you would think. If this is what had always happened and the teenage boy is comfortable with this then why on earth would anyone else have a problem with it. If he is saying, no I would really rather not, then you listen to that. If this was my family I would ask the teen-ager about it and see what they felt about it. Even as someone who was sexism advised by an uncle when very young, I still think it is very sad that people default to thinking it must be abusive in lots of scenarios given. I personally think it is really lovely that some kids have close relationships with their GP's

Crowtooyo · 07/08/2021 14:29

@CrazyNeighbour what on earth are you on about?

liveforsummer · 07/08/2021 14:31

It feels off, I can't even put on to worlds why. I know someone who does this too and as in this situation there is another, more appropriate option so why isn't that being used? Who you let your male sons sleep with their grandad when there's an air bed available?

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