To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

[Rooree2609]

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

Given you’ve been left out previously by both friends, I’m a bit suspicious about whether the bride was actually unaware that you hadn’t been asked. I think it’s strange she didn’t text you to ask where you were at the time or for her say
Something like,
Omg I thought you had covid? !
When you contacted her, If a lie had been told about why you hadn’t attended. Didn’t she ask anyone where you were?
I’d be inclined to stop putting in all the effort with either of them now.
You seem such a lovely person and deserve much better friends anyway.

The more I think about it, the more suss Friend B is starting to look to be honest.

Given that you’d already told her you would be there no matter what and given the history of Friend A, I do find it somewhat strange that when you messaged her, that she seemed so flippant about it.

I find it weird that she didn’t mention the reasons that Friend A gave her for you not being there. Surely, if she wasn’t involved in sorting invitations, then at some point early on in the night she would’ve asked why you hadn’t come and Friend A would’ve had to explain your absence? And if she lied and said “oh she never came back to me” or some other bs excuse, again why didn’t Friend B message you to say “you not coming out? You said you’d be here? Everything ok?” or words to that effect.

I think take a little step back now as someone else said and let Friend B contact you now.

@crazymicrowave123

Why does everyone keep saying keep friend B, friend B should have been the one to call and ask why she wasn't there, if they are as close as she says they are. friend B should be the one to make all the effort. As for friend A sack her off

I expect it is because friend A will have made up a pack of plausible lies about the OP.

If my best friend hadn't turned up to my hen do, I would have texted her and asked if everything was ok.

I'd have been upset too? Seems a little odd.

Nothing from b today @Rooree2609

@Rooree2609 is there update today now they’re all back home? Have you heard from friend B?

Hmm yeah there’s more to this than friend a…friend b should have been mortified and apologises and told you to come that instant, if everything was well…

I don’t think you’re friends anymore @Rooree2609 Sorry to be harsh. I’ve been there and it sucks. I knew that I’d been ghosted when someone I considered a good friend didn’t even tell me she’s been saving up for over a year for a house and had then been living in it for about three months 😂 I can laugh about it now but I was gutted at the time. I genuinely don’t know what I did that was so offensive. Literally the only thing I can think is that I got married and she was jealous because her partner is very unlikely to propose (as far as I can see)

Forget A & B.....move on and find a genuine friend....so shady of both A & B :(

Why would the bride to be pick her to organise if she’s got history for excluding people??

Haven't updated as DC2 not well but I will give a little update tomorrow on what's happened apparently

Or just ask both A & B to read the following website: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4316682-To-ask-Friend-A-why-she-excluded-me-from-Friend-Best-hen-party?msgid=109802286#109802286

weird

Don’t let them rewrite this.

You know what happened.

The great thing is that you know the truth, the poor bride is who I feel sorry for now as she does not see through this girl and is about to have her majorly involved in her wedding!!

Walk away and don’t look back. Wait for the phone call in a few months when the truth comes out and the bride finally realises the truth about A.
Mind yourself and do not let them rewrite this. Stay strong.

Place marking.

What’s place marking?

Place marking is when someone is interested in the thread but can't be bothered to click watch this thread.

Surely it's easier to click 'watch' than write something in the thread.

@SixesAndEights

Surely it's easier to click 'watch' than write something in the thread.

It is, but some people want their threads all in the 'I'm on' list

Friend A as said to Friend B that when planning she tried to makesure the date was when bridesmaids could come and she was sure I was away this weekend as I had told her dates of summer plans

This is nonsense I'm not away at all in August
Friend B seemed to be of the mind well you do go away lot

Also friend A seen me recently she could of checked so it's just ridiculous
Friend b seems happy with this excuse though and I'm not going to be saying anything bad about friend A to her

I can see where the friendships are at and it's horrible but I've had a horrible weekend with a sick baby and it does just highlight the difference in life stages

On reflection I always feel I have to watch how much I mention DC to these friends as I know they aren't interested/ don't want to bore them so that should have probably been enough to make me realise all wasn't well

I think a final text to Friend B is in order. "Hi, A never once asked me for my holiday dates. I'm one if your bridesmaids and I would have moved heaven and earth to be there. I am hurt, and feel a bit excluded. Would you be free on x date soon so we can have a few pre wedding cocktails and our own celebration? "

I know you are a bit wary about friend B now as well ( I've rtft!), but it's her wedding, and the situation is a bit unpleasant. I think if her response to that is positive, it's probably worth saving the friend B friendship. You do t need to say anything nasty re friend A. Just state the truth, that you were hurt and upset and then guage her reaction

@orangejumpsuit

I think a final text to Friend B is in order. "Hi, A never once asked me for my holiday dates. I'm one if your bridesmaids and I would have moved heaven and earth to be there. I am hurt, and feel a bit excluded. Would you be free on x date soon so we can have a few pre wedding cocktails and our own celebration? "

I know you are a bit wary about friend B now as well ( I've rtft!), but it's her wedding, and the situation is a bit unpleasant. I think if her response to that is positive, it's probably worth saving the friend B friendship. You do t need to say anything nasty re friend A. Just state the truth, that you were hurt and upset and then guage her reaction

I really wouldn't do that, it comes across as deliberately devisive which is exactly what you're accusing A of. I don't think it'll help you at all.

I think it's fine to be open about how disappointed you are to have missed the weekend but then drop it. It's clear that neither of them are particularly concerned about including you so it's probably time to focus on better friends. Sucks but at least you know now.

@Rooree2609

Friend A as said to Friend B that when planning she tried to makesure the date was when bridesmaids could come and she was sure I was away this weekend as I had told her dates of summer plans

This is nonsense I'm not away at all in August
Friend B seemed to be of the mind well you do go away lot

Also friend A seen me recently she could of checked so it's just ridiculous
Friend b seems happy with this excuse though and I'm not going to be saying anything bad about friend A to her

I can see where the friendships are at and it's horrible but I've had a horrible weekend with a sick baby and it does just highlight the difference in life stages

On reflection I always feel I have to watch how much I mention DC to these friends as I know they aren't interested/ don't want to bore them so that should have probably been enough to make me realise all wasn't well

End of then. You’re leaving friend B to believe friend A as you’ve made decision not to say anything bad. You’re condoning it. Possibly then friend A truly believed you couldn’t make it; friend B sees it as plausible as commented you go away a lot.

If the friendship is at different stages, then maybe leave it full stop? Maybe don’t attend the wedding?

They naturally have more in common currently and, of course, were longstanding friends before introducing you into the mix. It’ll be interesting to see how the dynamics change post the wedding and possibly into children coming along. Your DC arriving will have impacted. Your focus /priority naturally would have changed- along with conversation themes- you recognise their switching off!!

It’s a story. You know it’s a story. They both sound complicit so they are fair weather friends for now. This may of course change if one of them falls pregnant and moves into the same life stage as you. But currently they are to be filed under FWF and you need to concentrate on those who genuinely have your back.

Who told you this @Rooree2609? Did it come from FriendB or FriendA?
I would be phasing Friend A out to be honest as it sounds like she was looking for any reason at all as to why you wouldn't be able to attend the hen so when she 'found' that reason, she grabbed on to it with both hands.
My best advice would be for you to look after yourself and your family and have a light airy touch with the friendships between A and B going forward.