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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

519 replies

Rooree2609 · 07/08/2021 09:41

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

OP posts:
MrsJuliaGulia · 08/08/2021 21:08

Did you hear anything back from Friend B? On one hand you said that she’s lovely and hasn’t got a nasty bone in her body. So maybe give her a call during the week and say that you’d been a bit upset to have been excluded from the hen and gauge the reaction.

Insanelysilver · 08/08/2021 21:23

I’m sorry that must have been so hurtful.
I’d send them a message jointly. I’d
say you’d seen the photos from the hen night and have to say that you were feeling very hurt that you didn’t receive an invite to the new hen do.
Ask , what happened? Were you purposely left out of it? I’d say I’d prefer them to be honest about it.
You may as well find out.

Daffi · 08/08/2021 21:35

I would find out how to summarise a story, I fell asleep twice trying to read it. This is the shortened version of my original message.

Hepzibar · 08/08/2021 22:08

OP has already spoken to Friend B

ZiggZagg · 08/08/2021 22:16

@Daffi what a completely unnecessary comment! Are you Friend A?

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 08/08/2021 22:23

[quote Rooree2609]@bleachblondemom she didn't really mention friend A nor did she seem annoyed or anything which makes me think friendships are probably both dead

It was a very flippant response then a hour or so later a more i can't believe this kind of reaction but very much oh it must of been a mistake which It wasn't[/quote]
Perhaps if Friend B lets herself think badly about Friend A before her wedding it will taint her wedding for her? Perhaps she's going to give her the benefit of the doubt in the short term and sort it out once and for all down the line.

Nillynally · 08/08/2021 22:24

I've been waiting all day for an update on this. Desperate to know her excuse!

browneyes77 · 08/08/2021 22:34

@Daffi

I would find out how to summarise a story, I fell asleep twice trying to read it. This is the shortened version of my original message.
And maybe you should find out what manners are.

And how to scroll past things you’re not interested in, while you’re at it.

Rose2010 · 08/08/2021 22:44

Definitely contact bride and make it clear you didn’t know about the new arrangements! The other ‘friend’ is clearly not a friend and is in fact a CF.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 08/08/2021 22:48

@Rose2010

Definitely contact bride and make it clear you didn’t know about the new arrangements! The other ‘friend’ is clearly not a friend and is in fact a CF.
The OP did this several pages ago. Hmm
thelonghaul · 08/08/2021 23:58

yes YABU for being so wet.
Friend A has deliberately excluded you and has presumably lied to Friend B as to why you're not there.

Get a grip. Call your actual friend (B) to explain why you're not there.
At the same time wake up to the fact that "Friend A" really isn't. She's a piece of work. So good news, you don't have to tiptoe around her anymore.

MakeMathsFun · 09/08/2021 00:24

While this might hurt, the reality is that there is only Friend B in this picture. The first person is not "Friend A". She is just "A". What is more, if she behaves like this to you, she will display this behaviour at some point to others too. It is not you. I believe she clearly has a problem. I saw this happen within a similar friendship structure where the aggravator wanted to be Queen Bee and didn't want others to befriend her other 'friends'. Childish, immature and selfish.

Here are some acronyms to cheer you up:
A = Arse, ass-hole, acidic and ardvaark.

Perhaps we can try to find some more A-words too. Meanwhile, just let go, but don't let Aardvaark deny your friendship with Friend B. If she tries, she will probably fall back on "she was my friend first. You only met her because of ME!" The moment this happens, you will know for sure that Aardvaark is still 11 years old and needs to grow up. A = adolescent.

Hepzibar · 09/08/2021 06:53

@thelonghaul

"Get a grip. Call your actual friend (B) to explain why you're not there.
At the same time wake up to the fact that "Friend A" really isn't. She's a piece of work. So good news, you don't have to tiptoe around her anymore."

The OP did that 2 days ago.

sue69m · 09/08/2021 07:14

Set up your own whatsapp group woth friend A & B and call her out incase the bride thinks you just didn't bother to attend

Hepzibar · 09/08/2021 07:32

It's astonishing how many people aren't even bothering to read the OP's updates never mind the thread. No wonder the OP hasn't returned, what's the point if hardly anyone reads your posts.

sandgrown · 09/08/2021 07:35

I would carry on with your plan to meet friend B on your own. You cannot tell her feeling from messages . Have a nice day with her and you will feel better about attending the wedding. Friendships do change when at different life stages. I would maybe stop contacting friend A. I feel for you as it’s horrible feeling left out .

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 09/08/2021 09:02

How did you get on ringing the bride to be? Xx

AntiFlag · 09/08/2021 09:06

@Rooree2609 I wouldn’t bother with them any more and move on. Some people are shitty when their friends have children. I guarantee if and when one of them is pregnant they will get back in touch and their friendship will dwindle.

You don’t need shit like this, sack them off.

senoritarita · 09/08/2021 10:24

So friend A is feeling insecure because her two close mates have moved on/ are moving on to the next stage and she feels left behind

Friend A is worried that Friend B will soon have kids and will have more in common with you than she does with her

Shes behaves like a nasty piece of work but a stupid one if she didn't think shed get found out

Selfish, manipulative and not very bright with it. I feel sorry for her. Sit back now and watch the fall out

bemusedmoose · 09/08/2021 10:33

She's pulled a bitch move to keep you too at arms length so she can hold best friend position. Childish and bitchy. Call her out big time! Definitely let B know what is going on. I had this and now I don't speak to my version of A, B does but complains about her a lot. I still love friend B.

Cut the cord - keep B, ditch A. Before you do have a lengthy catch with B about how it's been going on the whole friendship and this is the last straw because A will blow up with drama and lies.

browneyes77 · 09/08/2021 11:07

So friend A is feeling insecure because her two close mates have moved on/ are moving on to the next stage and she feels left behind

Friend A is worried that Friend B will soon have kids and will have more in common with you than she does with her

Nail on head.

This is precisely what I think is happening as well.

Also just wondering if Friend B doesn’t want to cause any ructions in the lead up to her wedding and that’s why her reaction wasn’t what you maybe expected. Or maybe she doesn’t want to rock the boat with A because she organised her hen do and doesn’t want to seem ungrateful etc.

Either way I think I’d be giving A a wide berth in future. She’s shown you a number of times that she isn’t really a good friend.

crazymicrowave123 · 09/08/2021 12:09

Why does everyone keep saying keep friend B, friend B should have been the one to call and ask why she wasn't there, if they are as close as she says they are. friend B should be the one to make all the effort. As for friend A sack her off

Jzpap · 09/08/2021 12:25

SquirryTheSquirrel Totally agree

However I hate hen parties and as others have said I’d be grateful you didn’t have to go but that’s just me.

Garfunkle · 09/08/2021 12:26

The bride to be knows you weren’t invited to her hen. You told her yourself. There is nothing you can do now other than wait for her to contact you. If she hasn’t contacted you by the end of this week then you’ve obviously been dumped by both friends. Don’t write her off yet.

The ball is in her court now OP.

Coffeepot72 · 09/08/2021 13:23

Agree @garfunkle - the bride must surely realise that A has been up to her old tricks again, and this was never a “mistake/misunderstanding”.

OP, If you haven’t had some supportive contact from the bride within a week, I would assume she’s in cahoots with A.