To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

[Rooree2609]

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

Have read your updates and agree with @DuckbilledSplatterPuff..your children are the biggest part of your life and you shouldn’t feel awkward talking about them . Friend B is not a good friend and is very shallow and has basically shut you down.I personally would move on and wait until you next hear from her . I wouldn’t enjoy going to her wedding…I would find it now a massive ordeal 💐

B Contacted me on Monday and said she'd asked friend A about my absence and friend A had gave the holiday reason
When I stated to friend B this was not the case and I'd never told Friend A I was away she said oh well you are away alot so it's a easy mistake
She made it clear there was no point in pushing it

Yeah in Friend B’s shoes, my first question to Friend A would’ve been “Well didn’t you double check if she was on holiday?”

The fact that her response to you indicates that she didn’t, rings a little alarm bell for me.

She either knew A was probably lying but didn’t want to rock the boat before her wedding and is therefore minimising A’s behaviour to you, or she herself wasn’t that bothered about you not being there.

I don't think much of B's response. She's either decided that she doesn't want to get involved in a disagreement between you and A and is shutting it down ( which is unfair). She hasn't taken your hurt feelings into account. A deliberately excluded you, but it's easier and a quieter life for B to just accept her excuse and move on.

Yes, my thoughts entirely.

OP i would wait until after the wedding & then say to friend A that you have got her & basically you know what's she's about & not to treat you like you come up the river on a bubble. Dont let her gert away with it.

@Rooree2609

Friend A as said to Friend B that when planning she tried to makesure the date was when bridesmaids could come and she was sure I was away this weekend as I had told her dates of summer plans

This is nonsense I'm not away at all in August
Friend B seemed to be of the mind well you do go away lot

Also friend A seen me recently she could of checked so it's just ridiculous
Friend b seems happy with this excuse though and I'm not going to be saying anything bad about friend A to her

I can see where the friendships are at and it's horrible but I've had a horrible weekend with a sick baby and it does just highlight the difference in life stages

On reflection I always feel I have to watch how much I mention DC to these friends as I know they aren't interested/ don't want to bore them so that should have probably been enough to make me realise all wasn't well

If this is true then A would have said to you. Hen is this date - Hope you can make it

Yeah, well, just wait until cunt friend A, and cunt friend B have babies, and they will no longer have you for support.
You'll be well rid!
I don't predict that A will have a very pleasant life.

You just carry on and live yours, and be happy.

I agree that B's response isn't good-she's effectively turned it back on Op!

Also if she messaged Op a bit ago saying that she was hoping to see her & Op didn't say she wouldn't be there-does she think that Op deliberately said nothing about not going?

Can't decide if the fact that she has suggested meeting up means anything as Op had already suggested this.

Why not ask Op to the rest of the hen weekend?

Op has she suggested a date that suits you?

Are you going to go to that/the wedding or just leave the two of then two it now?

When you think about it had B made much effort to include you or see you without A?

I think you'd have got a call or a text as soon as she found out you weren't at the hen do if she was a good friend. I'd let them both go.

Friend B is showing that she doesn't care about you being excluded.

Are you invited for the whole wedding day? Have you RSVP'd?

If it was me and I was expected to be there then I'd simply be a no show with no cancellation notice. Fuck her. She has allowed friend A to pretty much send her good friend away. It's a form of an attack on you and B allowed it.

Isn’t this basically gaslighting? A sounds manipulative and likely said to B ‘she’s always on holiday’ in her explanation. B sounds happy to be manipulated.

You can’t make her see through this lie and now that as you have the opportunity to make lots of new friends.

Are you going to go to meet up with B? I’m presuming A hasn’t contacted you. She’d be mortified were it a genuine mistake. The fact that A hasn’t got on the phone speaks volumes, doesn’t it? And if I were going to say anything, this would be the angle I’d take.

Eg ‘When I saw A last week, I spoke about the wedding and she changed the subject. As she has not contacted me to apologise, the most obvious conclusion is that my being excluded from the hen weekend was deliberate. How often I go away is missing the point. I’m really upset that I’m being blamed for not being included. If either you or she didn’t want me there, I wish you had said.’

Yes invited for whole wedding and accepted

But on thinking about it every time I've seen b in last while I've organised it, picked her up etc she's made little effort with me when I reflect

I've put change down to my having children but I have other friends with no children who live some distance and they've made far more effort with my DC and I

And on reflection it's not right I worry about mentioning my lovely DC to these two
I think reflecting when I was pregnant with DC1 some funny comments where made and I should of picked up on them
Think I've been looking at friendship through Rose tinted glasses and being nostalgic about how close friend B and I once where

I kind of feel like ignoring both as who has time for such dynamics

I'm sorry this happened to you. I would imagine that friend B has lots of other issues on her plate with her upcoming wedding and does not want to push the issue with friend A who is her bridesmaid. If she did it might involve conflict, misery and embarrassment on an important day in her life. I would want to avoid that too.

If it was me, I would make an effort to have a great mini hen day with Friend B and attend her wedding on this basis.

I suspect that it will all come out in the wash later when she has time to think over it all and look back. Friendships do change and the fact she is getting married now and might start having babies will probably mean her friendship with you (and friend A) will change again.

Friend A can go to hell...

Good luck. I hope it improves, let us know how it pans out...

I can understand B's decision not to push it. She probably really doesn't want to create drama leading up to the wedding and it sounds as though A has been feeding her a narrative for a good while.

Arrange a night out, before the wedding, for the two of you. Go and enough it and see where your friendship lies then.

I'd go to the wedding , have a really good time ( think of it as a private farewell party to the friendship) talk about your children incessantly to A and then after the wedding , take a huge step back from the B friendship and concentrate on your friendships where you don't have to hide parts of yourself to be accepted .

Op,

You would be wise to just not bother.

A is a liar and B is happy to accept the lies, if she didn't colude.

I honestly wouldn't stress about them, they have shown you who they are.

Focus on new friendships that can be made now that you are a mum and nurture your other friendships.

If it doesn't suit you to go to the wedding, bail.

Suit yourself, just as they have.

@Rooree2609

Yes invited for whole wedding and accepted

But on thinking about it every time I've seen b in last while I've organised it, picked her up etc she's made little effort with me when I reflect

I've put change down to my having children but I have other friends with no children who live some distance and they've made far more effort with my DC and I

And on reflection it's not right I worry about mentioning my lovely DC to these two
I think reflecting when I was pregnant with DC1 some funny comments where made and I should of picked up on them
Think I've been looking at friendship through Rose tinted glasses and being nostalgic about how close friend B and I once where

I kind of feel like ignoring both as who has time for such dynamics

Why do you think friend B said she was looking forward to seeing you at the hen party then? Just seems weird if she’s not that bothered.

If you decide to just not go & she asks where you were, you could tell her that you were told it had been cancelled & you were waiting to hear the new date.

Or that you were away...

I'd bail on the day.. not feeling well. Then block and move on.

I'm sorry OP, they sound like a pair of teenage mean girls! It's clear from your posts that you are someone who avoids confrontation so these think you are easy pickings and it's a type of bullying behaviour, the worst kind, pretend to be your friend but hurt you and belittle you by leaving you out and making snide remarks. Sack them both off, honestly, do it for your own sanity. Focus on other friendships, you sound like a really good friend and you don't need people like these so called friends in your life. They sound like they never left the playground, vile pair.
I wouldn't go to the wedding, ghost the 2 bitches. And if you can't even talk about your children without snide remarks that says it all really. Don't allow them to hurt you anymore

exactly as @Saoirse82 just said. Not in school anymore girls... time to leave this shit behind you OP. They just haven't grown up and one at least sounds like a manipulative baby. Rise above it and move on to better people. Get rid of the old to make room for the new.

I'd drop both of them like a hot potato.

A is despicable; that goes without saying.

B was obviously complicit in your exclusion, either from the start, or at least once your absence was noticed at the hen. I wouldn't turn up to the wedding either, nor would I let her know in advance (and I'm not someone who usually supports this idea as it's incredibly rude, but occasionally drastic times call for drastic measures. See how long it takes her to notice your absence this time!).

Sod them both. So shit they've been treating you so badly. They've been showing you who they are, don't make anymore excuses for them. You should never have to downplay something as massive as having babies to your friends. They haven't been the friends you deserve.

If it was me, I would make an effort to have a great mini hen day with Friend B and attend her wedding on this basis.

No way!

Friend B has been an utter dick. She has ignored OP's feelings & made no effort to address a really hurtful situation for OP.

I wouldn't even go to the wedding.

@diddl

If you decide to just not go & she asks where you were, you could tell her that you were told it had been cancelled & you were waiting to hear the new date.

Or that you were away...

This. Don't bother going. B will have very little time to spend with you and A will probably behave badly towards you. Treat them with the contempt they have shown you. You are well rid.

I have read through the whole thread. These are not your true friends, OP. They chop and change to suit. Friend B should have been incensed you weren't there and contacted you to find out where you were. The fact she's happy to fall in with Friend A's lies and excuses shows she's no better, to be honest. We have all dropped friends along the way in life - some relationships run their course and it's time to move on. I'm afraid this seems like one of them. And you certainly shouldn't have to be conscious of not mentioning your children too much. Watch Friend B come running back if and when she has kids. And then if Friend A isn't in the same boat, the whole play is set to rerun with this triangle. Time to ditch and move on.