To ask Friend A why she excluded me from Friend Best hen party

[Rooree2609]

So basically I have two friends we will call them friend A and Friend B

I became friends with friend B through friend A and we've all been friends now for 15 years ( became friends as teenagers)

Over the years on a few occasions Friend A has done a few not so nice things to friend B and I and at one point Friend B considered ending the friendship with Friend A however I said we should meet up and try and salvage it
At this point friend B and I where closer
We did manage to salvage the friendship

However not long after I got married to DH and had my first DS
After this Friend A and Friend B who both live in the city became closer and I noticed myself left out often which was OK at first as I was the only married one with a child etc

However I've always made a effort to see them both and pre covid we had started to see each other more

A week before lockdown one Friend B announced she was engaged .. and of course had covid not happened I assumed I'd see her have wedding chat etc

Covid did happen and I fell pregnant with DS2 and I didn't see her meanwhile friend A told me she had offered to help with wedding planning etc
So it came as no surprise that Friend A was bridesmaid etc
I still of course thought I'd be invited to the wedding if covid allowed it
And both friend A and friend B visited baby once covid rules allowed and we spoke about the wedding

I then got a invite to the hen through a group chat organised by friend A which I said I would make without fail and couldn't wait
I even suggested places to host it etc

The wedding invite came too BTW just to make it clear I am going to wedding

A couple of weeks later Friend A told me the original hen idea was cancelled and removed me from the group she told me she'd let me know if something else was arranged

I then met friend A last weekend and when I tried to talk about wedding she changed subject
I wanted to ask what was happening with the hen but I hate awkwardness so I didn't it

Friend B then messaged me days ago and she spoke about how she couldn't wait to see me at hen

Stupid me assuming friend A would let me know about hen didn't even think I wouldn't be there so I said I wouldn't miss it

I honestly assumed it hadn't be re arranged yet and I'd be there

Then last night up pops friend As story and there is friend Bs hen in full swing in a venue I recommend with about ten girls there including friend As sisters who aren't even close to Friend B

I actually felt my heart sink and felt really hurt I couldn't believe it

Now friend A over the years has sometimes excluded me and I've justified it that it's because I'm a mum maybe she thought I wouldn't want to it come etc
But each time she's did this it's hurt and DH has said to call her out
But I hate confrontation so I've left it and kept my feelings to myself

But now I feel so hurt that I'm missing a valued friends hen party who clearly thought I'd be there
And I wonder if I should ask Friend A why she removed me from the hen plans and excluded me ?
My only thought is maybe it bothered her that she introduced to me to friend B and for several years friend B and I ended up closer ?

You are going to step back with friend B anyway so what have you got to lose by telling the truth. Why should A get away with it?

I really think friend B won’t want to rock the boat when her wedding is coming up and A is a bridesmaid. Keep A at arms length but give B the benefit of the doubt for now. Just be wary.

Make sure you go to her wedding & act normal then you can see how things go after that.

Actions like not going to a wedding are irreversible & will forever impact on your friendship, when it may be more innocent than it seems from B.

A is a total bellend though, what a horrible person!

Oh I would have to have my say on this one. What a nasty lying cow A is!
Stick up for yourself and walk away with your head held high.

@Kiduknot

You are going to step back with friend B anyway so what have you got to lose by telling the truth. Why should A get away with it?

Agree with this. It's clearly a story, and you know it.

I wouldn't be going to the wedding.

I agree with PP - if you're rethinking the friendship I wouldn't be worried about going to the effort of being a bridesmaid if ultimately you end up pulling away from the friendship anyway.

I'd be sorely tempted to say

"No offence to you, B, but that's a load of bollocks. I saw A two weeks ago and she knew I wasn't away. She obviously didn't want me there for some other reason but I'm not going to play her games. I'm (insert age here) for god's sake, not back in the playground.

I'm happy to still be your bridesmaid if you still want me to be, and I'd love to see you before the wedding to have a mini-hen, just the two of us, but you'll have to forgive me if I don't really bother with A again."

are you going to the wedding now?

Sometimes the best thing is to do nothing and say nothing. Learnt that lesson and its much better approach.
Myou csn see the situation early, saying anything further only wastes your time and energy and who needs the drama.

Just know the friendship with B is not so tight and just act accordingly, go to the wedding but don't make too much effort. When B has children I suspect she will come to you more.

It is what it is just focus on important things in your life that are worth your time and energy.

HopeHappy's response is a good one. You have nothing to lose, and it gets your point across.

I hope your DC feels better soon

Ok so that happened and you'll never really know if this was a story that B was complicit with or not. In your shoes I'm not sure I'd go out of my way to arrange something else with B so maybe go with - let me know if you want to try and get together before the wedding, no worries if not. I think I'd also let it be known that you're a bit hurt as you were really looking forward to it and don't know where A got that from or why she didn't actually ask you and removed you from the chat. And then though it's really sad maybe distance yourself - go to wedding but perhaps downgrade effort & gift at this point in time.

If B has DC in the near future I predict a turnaround but if that happens you should set your own terms.

Really sorry OP, it's so sad when people behave like this and treat others so poorly.

Those saying OP is a bridesmaid... I don't think she is?

I think it's realistic that two childless friends who live 5 minutes from each other are naturally going to go through a period where they are closer. A lot of things will be organised on the fly, and obviously you having children will change the dynamic. That's just the way it is.

If I were you, I would make no further effort with A.

I think you still have a friendship with B, but whether that remains as close as it has in the past is to be questioned. I echo PP who say B isn't going to want to engage with drama with A when A is her bridesmaid.

I would tell B you were never asked for holiday plans and gently remind her that A has done this before.

The ball is in B's court. She will realise this, even if she is trying to keep A sweet. If she cares about the friendship, she will reach out to you.

@Ourlady

Oh I would have to have my say on this one. What a nasty lying cow A is! Stick up for yourself and walk away with your head held high.

Me too. Why leave B in any doubt about who is at fault here, or let A get away with possibly causing the end of your friendship to B with her lies?

"Hi, Friend B. Neither one of us believes that. We've been here before with Friend A. I was never asked for my holiday plans, and the subject was quickly changed two weeks ago when I brought up the wedding with Friend A which, in hindsight, should have set alarm bells ringing.

Have a lovely weekend regardless. I appreciate that this must be very awkward for you. I'm very much looking forward to seeing you at the wedding and perhaps we can meet up for drinks beforehand instead."

Or something similar. I wouldn't bet much money on Friend B not having been complicit, though.

i would have to have my say on this one. What a nasty lying cow A is!
Stick up for yourself and walk away with your head held high

Totally agree with this. Do not leave the bride in any doubt about what really happened

So my last update probably didn't explain it well enough
B Contacted me on Monday and said she'd asked friend A about my absence and friend A had gave the holiday reason
When I stated to friend B this was not the case and I'd never told Friend A I was away she said oh well you are away alot so it's a easy mistake
She made it clear there was no point in pushing it

She also gave me the impression that friend A has led her to believe I see friend A alot more than her so clearly friend A has ensured a nice wedge

Friend b did a suggest a date for us to do something pre wedding

I don't think there Is anything to say to friend A as it would be pointless

I think as some posters have said friend A and Friend B are now very close and I'm on the side and I just need to concentrate on other friendships

The sad thing is I've probably prioritised these friends over new mum friends etc and clearly that was the wrong choice

They clearly are not your friends and you are wasting your time on them.

Start focusing on friendships that are near you and will enhanse your life.

I would completely step away from them.

She made it clear there was no point in pushing it

So she didn't really let you explain or believe you when you tried to. I'm sorry, that's hard. But she isn't much of a friend either. Hope you find better ones.

I'm really sorry. You sound like you are being pragmatic about the situation. But it's very hurtful.

It's really awful that Friend B didn't apologise profusely, and seem upset. You kind of already knew Friend A's form really.

I hope DC is better soon, and you can build on those mum friendships you mention

What will you do about being bridesmaid?

Sorry I think I misunderstood. You're not a bridesmaid are you?

The polite thing to have done would be to issue an invite and await a reply - not assume

I would’ve done this knowing friend was on holiday - just to show willing

I assume friend B will be making babies shortly and things may change.

But keep your options open! It’s been a hard year for everyone.

I'm not sure i'd bother with a pre wedding thing.

It all seems too much drama.

Are you still going to the wedding?

I would not go to the wedding and leave them at it, I wouldn't even give any excuse or I certainly would not argue with either of them as they seem a good friend match for now.I see you seemed a good honest friend to both when you should have dumped one of them yrs ago for all hassle she's caused,you need to live your best life and who needs friends like those,plenty 😉 more real friends out there and use your energy finding them

Name changed for this bit but the girl I considered my best friend of over 20 years used a similar excuse (that I was on holiday) to justify why she didn't invite me to her wedding, perhaps to save my feelings or more likely justify her poor actions.

Unfortunately her white lie backfired as I was copied in on some other messages which showed she'd finalised the guest list well before checking my holiday dates. It ended our friendship.

I've organised many hen parties for other pals now and have never set the guest list myself. Every single bride has given me a list with a) who they want to invite b) how they know them (in laws, family, colleagues, friends from other parts of their lives.) Usually there's also been some sort of chat along the line of "I don't think X will be able to come because of childcare / money / too far to come / being pregnant etc but I'd really like you to include them anyway in case they actually can come."

The point is you invite the person and let them decide if they want to attend.

I think both of these women are complicit in this in different ways with this and I don't think either are your friends. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It's awful.

"I think as some posters have said friend A and Friend B are now very close and I'm on the side and I just need to concentrate on other friendships"

That doesn't or shouldn't mean that you get deliberately excluded by A though!

Anyone would think that B has no other friends!

It's also a problem of handing your hen night over to someone else.

Can't imagine having such a complicated wedding that arranging a hen night/weekend also would be too much!

Mind you I'd be wanting to organise so that it was as I wanted it & so that who I wanted to be invited was!

I don't think much of B's response. She's either decided that she doesn't want to get involved in a disagreement between you and A and is shutting it down ( which is unfair). She hasn't taken your hurt feelings into account. A deliberately excluded you, but it's easier and a quieter life for B to just accept her excuse and move on.
I'd also find it hard to want to stay friends with people who were so intolerant of any mention of your DC, that you have to watch what you say and be on your guard against ever mentioning them. Your DC are an integral part of your life, but you don't sound like the kind of person that goes on about it to the exclusion of all else. They sound really shallow.