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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this mum a CF?

180 replies

roonthebend · 07/08/2021 09:28

I am single mum to a 9 year old boy. There's another boy the same age who my son has became pally with in recent weeks. They are constantly going to each other's door to see if the other wants to come out to play and I was happy he had someone to play with. Frequently the little boy will come here and I will feed him which is fine. It's never been reciprocated as my son has never been invited into their home - again fine.

However, two nights ago he came for my son, it was 7 at night, had had a busy day so didn't really want another kid in the house. My son started putting on his shoes to go to the park and the little boy said 'my mum said I've not to go to the park' so in he came. His mum then came for him about an hour later which was strange as she usually just texts me to send him down.

Anyways, yesterday, I'm doing housework, a knock at the door, the little boy again. Son starts putting his shoes on and once again, 'mum says I've to just stay here' !! I then receive a text from her, 'will you send X home for 5pm please' not even a is that okay?

I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed with constant kids in the house and it's never reciprocated, as I've said my son hasn't been in their house. I'm happy he has someone to play with though and don't want to ruin that.

Is the mum a CF? And if so how do I handle this?

OP posts:
LittleMissPlant · 08/08/2021 17:36

Just have an adult conversation about it.
Maybe his mum has said he can’t play in the streets and only at peoples houses.

GarageFlower123 · 08/08/2021 17:48

I'm not sure what CF is? Either way, it really p*sses me off when other mums take advantage like this.

My 9yo has 2 friends who live nearby. Neither of the mums work, and BOTH have significantly bigger houses/gardens than me. Despite that, both kids are always at mine. We all walk home from school together, and they invariably say "can we come and play?". If I say no - I've got a meeting or something, nobody invites them all round to their house so they end up all on their own. It's so bl**dy annoying. They're pretty good kids, but I still have 2 hours of work to do while they're here, and it makes calls awkward 😡

Olu123 · 08/08/2021 17:51

Can’t your son say to his friend, ‘can we go to yours next time’ or even you say that to the friend when he comes to yours?

TopBlogger · 08/08/2021 17:53

Did he come over today?

Killahangilion · 08/08/2021 17:55

Not necessarily a CF but you’re ridiculously passive about it all and quick to blame the other mum.

Why don’t you have an actual conversation with the mum, rather than all these short texts and massive assumptions?

Must say, I find people like you really annoying.

Parkingthreadsaremyjam · 08/08/2021 17:57

I know a parent who has with issues with anyone at all being in their house.
Even their own kids were never allowed in their own bedrooms so they were kept tidy.
They were often shoved outside or sent to others houses to play. Others must of realised after a while play dates were rarely reciprocated.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 08/08/2021 17:58

I had this with my eldest son friend when he was younger but it didn’t really bother me. If he keeps your son happy then I’d just leave it be.
You could text the mother and say “I don’t want DS in all day, I’m sending them to the park but X doesn’t think he’s allowed?” It may just be that the other boy likes your house/your sons toys etc and has made out that he can’t go to the park?

Flossatops · 08/08/2021 17:59

I'd have no compunction in saying "sorry, but not today". She's obviously a user, so don't allow her to be.

Bleachmycloths · 08/08/2021 18:13

Is your son’s pal a nice little boy? And does your son seem happy to have his pal round at your house? If so, just let the whole thing run its course, if you can.
As for the mother’s text saying ‘ Send him home at 5pm’ why couldn’t you text back something like ‘ I’ll send him home at 2pm. 5 pm too late for me.’ You don’t have to explain. And I understand how you could be used as a free childminder so you need to take control.

Mary46 · 08/08/2021 18:14

Dont enable it. I had a mam lately just rang me when they needed lifts.. I just ignore calls now. They are cf agree

inpixiehollow · 08/08/2021 18:15

As a child I grew up in an overcrowded, run down and quite grubby house. I was very aware of it and wasn't allowed friends back to mine so I do understand there may be reasons it hasn't been reciprocated however she is certainly being a CF.

monstermissy · 08/08/2021 18:16

My ds had a similar friend when he was little... I did say no one day but the boy said he couldn't go home as his mum had gone out! CFer!!

Junipersky · 08/08/2021 18:18

I had this problem a few years ago when my daughter was younger.
A little girl across the road would come knocking every day and want to play inside with my daughter (the offer was never returned).
Even when I suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks, my partner went across and told the family.
The next day (while I was still bleeding heavily) the child came and knocked on the door wanting to come in and play. My partner took her straight back home.
I was basically providing free childcare (while struggling myself) and I was too much of a mug to stand up to her until I had to.

Jack80 · 08/08/2021 18:18

Speak to mum say can't have child constant not a babysitter, don't mind having him sometimes.

XingMing · 08/08/2021 18:23

It was a long time ago that DS had little friends to visit, but we just packed them all in and let them get on with it, and did food plates to keep them happy. Parents came and collected as it suited, and we were never at a loss for a reciprocal favour.

converseandjeans · 08/08/2021 18:25

I think she's being a CF. However people are blaming the Mum when there is also a Dad living there, so in my opinion the Dad could take the boys out to do something if the Mum doesn't want the boys in their house.

Some of the stories on here are shocking - about children basically finding somewhere to go as their own parents had gone out/away for the night. Maybe check first this isn't happening.

Maybe try to set more fixed play dates up rather than going with the flow.

Booboospud · 08/08/2021 18:27

To all of those saying to send this boy away at the door, please think about this poor boy who proberly doesn’t understand the social etiquette. Perhaps the mother of the boy doesn’t want visitors because there’s more then meets the eye, perhaps there’s domestic abuse occurring and she feels sending her son somewhere safe but close by is best, perhaps this is the time partner is coming home. Perhaps mum is on the verge of a breakdown. Think of the bigger picture and think of the disappointment and heartbreak of rejection he may feel, he may be a child who has had people in and out of his life. Anyway to OP I understand it must be very frustrating for you and it is taking advantage of your good nature, it’s lovely your son has developed such a nice bond with this boy. Do you know the mum well? Could you invite her round for a cuppa? Maybe suggest your boy could pop over for a play if her son fancies it one day. Maybe she not comfortable having him in her house without your direct permission and is unsure how to ask?

Chandimum · 08/08/2021 18:30

Now I'd like to take another spin on this.
It's already been mentioned that their house may be very run down, & mum is embarrassed to have visitors.
But it's worth considering that their house may not be a happy one.
There could be domestic violence, arguing, shouting etc, the boy may want to get out of the house.
Or perhaps mum has depression, or could be caring for someone else at home who the boy hadn't mentioned?
Personally I'd very subtly ask the boy how mummy is/find out if he's ok.
Then speak to mum on the phone in a friendly way so that she will trust you and give an idea why your son can't come over.
Also as already been said, could be that the son is telling mum he's invited.
There are so many possibilities here, so I think it's crucial that you have a conversation with mum.

Good luck.

phishy · 08/08/2021 18:36

YANBU, she’s a cheeky twat.

It’s summer, now is the time to send them out to play and stop giving him dinner.

If you don’t stop now, you’ll be making a rod for your own back come autumn/winter.

hehehhehe · 08/08/2021 18:36

I'd call round and speak pleasantly in person. Texts can get misinterpreted and overly snippy.

cherish123 · 08/08/2021 18:44

Personally, I'd be happy as I know where DS is and he's still getting to socialise.

abstractprojection · 08/08/2021 18:56

Do you want his friend round to play with him so often? Would you prefer that he’s playing out or in the park and annoyed at his mum’s instructions to stay inside? Do you want it to be reciprocated (I’d want to see the home first though)?

Figure out what you want, rather then how you feel right now, and then ask/tell her ie. home by what time, playing outside, reciprocation

Growing up my house and kitchen were pretty open to all my friends. I’m sure parents were ‘taking advantage’ but my parents were happy that I had friends over as an only child and considered it a good deed as they knew some of the families didn’t have much money or had issues

Backwaterjunction · 08/08/2021 18:59

There 9 send them outside to play tell your child to be back when you want him, why do they have to be inside anyone’s house or supervised by anyone? Don’t understand?

Turnitoffandon · 08/08/2021 19:04

@Killahangilion

Not necessarily a CF but you’re ridiculously passive about it all and quick to blame the other mum.

Why don’t you have an actual conversation with the mum, rather than all these short texts and massive assumptions?

Must say, I find people like you really annoying.

Where are all the short texts and massive assumptions?! The CF mother sent one text, and the assumptions are all the MNers. OP, you sound like a really nice, accommodating lady who doesn't want to be taken advantage of but who also doesn't want to be rude. It's so sad that this poster finds people like you "really annoying". I would like there to be more of you in the world.
Joysutty · 08/08/2021 19:07

I had a similar thing. My son was constantly bringing a school friend back + I ended up feeding this little girl. For one day saw crawling insects in her hair, which we then all caught them. So I walked around to her mother's house to find her blind drunk + so being an alcoholic wasn't feeding her own child. Think I informed the school who in turn informed social services I presume. So who knows if there is a similar story. A sad story - but true.. So who knows the truth behind all of this.