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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this mum a CF?

180 replies

roonthebend · 07/08/2021 09:28

I am single mum to a 9 year old boy. There's another boy the same age who my son has became pally with in recent weeks. They are constantly going to each other's door to see if the other wants to come out to play and I was happy he had someone to play with. Frequently the little boy will come here and I will feed him which is fine. It's never been reciprocated as my son has never been invited into their home - again fine.

However, two nights ago he came for my son, it was 7 at night, had had a busy day so didn't really want another kid in the house. My son started putting on his shoes to go to the park and the little boy said 'my mum said I've not to go to the park' so in he came. His mum then came for him about an hour later which was strange as she usually just texts me to send him down.

Anyways, yesterday, I'm doing housework, a knock at the door, the little boy again. Son starts putting his shoes on and once again, 'mum says I've to just stay here' !! I then receive a text from her, 'will you send X home for 5pm please' not even a is that okay?

I'm starting to feel a bit annoyed with constant kids in the house and it's never reciprocated, as I've said my son hasn't been in their house. I'm happy he has someone to play with though and don't want to ruin that.

Is the mum a CF? And if so how do I handle this?

OP posts:
Faevern · 07/08/2021 13:14

@2bazookas

Talk to the other mum and ask her why.

It's possible they've got some awful home situation going on that explains why she sends her son out to escape it (but clearly, cares where he is and that he's safe).

I was coming on to say this, I don’t understand why parents don’t talk to each other.

So he may say can I go and play at * and she might say yes but don’t go wandering off to the park. She may think you’re inviting her child in. Is there only the park or in the house where they can play?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 13:17

If you're happy to host, let him in.

If you're happy for your ds to go to the park but not play inside, tell him that and send him back to his mum.

Magicpaintbrush · 07/08/2021 13:19

I think I would be quite blunt about this and message her with:

"Your DS is a lovely boy and my DS enjoys playing with him - however, I'm afraid I'm finding it quite rude that you are sending him over without checking first with me that it's okay. An occasional play date is fine, but we are a busy family and I also can't afford to be feeding your son on such a regular basis. He is welcome to come over but please ask me first before you send him round. All the best"

I just think when you get a parent who has shown brass neck like this you need to be fairly blunt in how you respond or it will just go over their head or be ignored. Very annoying for you, they are taking advantage of your good nature.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/08/2021 13:25

'No it's not possible to stay here, no matter what your mum said. Either park or go back home'. Easy.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 13:26

I don't think the mum is necessarily bring cheeky tbh.

She may send him saying - I don't want you to go to the park right now. If you can play in the garden that's fine, but if you're not allowed come straight home.

People sometimes just expect you to speak up if you're not happy - as she does, when she has consistently refused to let them play in the house.

1forAll74 · 07/08/2021 13:50

Maybe the other child likes it much better at your house. for some reason or other. The other Mother might not like kids in her house, like the same, for one reason or another.. Maybe ask the other child, in a roundabout way if his Mum is ok etc.

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 14:00

Vary it.

Sometimes say yes, sometimes say no but ds can go to yours or the park.
Don’t get an expectation set in stone.

ChargingBuck · 07/08/2021 14:02

Anyways, yesterday, I'm doing housework, a knock at the door, the little boy again. Son starts putting his shoes on and once again, 'mum says I've to just stay here' !! I then receive a text from her, 'will you send X home for 5pm please' not even a is that okay?

Surprised you have to ask if that's CF parenting!

Next time it happens, explain very kindly to the little chap that it's not convenient right now, & take him back yourself.
When CF answers the door, tell her you are happy with arranged playdates with her nice son, but are not her unpaid childminder.

If you're feeling up to it, also let her know that you don't appreciate having random kids landed on you with instructions that they are not allowed to play outside & that you must look after them at your house until their parents allow them home again.

She's shockingly rude & assumptive.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 14:07

I don't think it's necessary to be so confrontational tbh.

He may tell her he was invited, or that you've extended an open invitation.

She may tell him to politely ask if it's ok, but he doesn't.

She might be fine about him going to the park but he prefers your house, so fibs.

Just let him in if it's convenient, insist on the park or send him home when it's not.

user1471538283 · 07/08/2021 14:11

This sounds like childcare to me. Sometimes you have to be straight. When he next comes over and she says that text back that they can go to the park. And the next time and the next.

mrsm43s · 07/08/2021 14:15

You're the adult! Why are you being dictated to by a 9 year old boy?

When he knocks on the door, if you don't want him to play, say no. If you only want them to go to the park, then tell him. If he says Mum won't let him go, then tell him he has to go home, as you're not having guests inside today. When you've had enough of him, send him home.

I'd assume that if my child knocked to play, and the parent invited them in, that the parent was OK with them being there. Because they'd send him home if not. I wouldn't be being a CF. I'd happily have children at mine, or sometimes the children would play elsewhere, but I'd always know that the adult in the household had the ultimate say as to whether children came in or not. It wouldn't occur to me that if the adult didn't want children over to play that they'd invite them in anyway! Why would they?

I think its more likely that the 9 year old has spotted a soft touch rather than the parents being CFs.

8misskitty8 · 07/08/2021 14:23

Sounds like she’s using you for free childcare. Be wary for when the schools go back, you might find yourself being used for after and before school care as well.
Next time he comes round and and he’s to stay at yours say no and send them both off to the park, send him home before tea time as well.

NoProblem123 · 07/08/2021 14:33

‘Not today x’ and refuse entry.

Although I’m inclined to agree, it could be the boy not wanting to play at the park. He may be the CFer here.

ZenNudist · 07/08/2021 14:56

Can you bring yourself to say no at the door? It would be garden or park for me. If you like your ds having a friend over I wouldn't look for reciprocal play dates. Equally I wouldn't feed him or invite him in unless you want to.

I think it's just boundaries. Say yes when it works for you and no other times. I never worry about my dc going to friends houses equally. They mainly come to us.

butterry · 07/08/2021 14:59

I think she is CF but if your son is an only child and appreciates his friend's company then I would be prepared to put up with it sometimes for his benefit.

UserStillatLarge · 07/08/2021 15:02

9 is an age where my DC just played out all the time and were in and out of each other's house - there was no invitations or play dates, it was all free format.

The odd thing here is that the child's mum has said he can't go to the park. Otherwise I don't see an issue - I would not feed him or take any particular responsibility for him and encourage them to play out of the house as much as possibility.

Bingbongbash · 07/08/2021 19:27

I wouldn't talk to the other mum at all. He isn't your responsibility and if you talk to her about it you could find yourself being backed into a corner. If it were me when he next calls round I'd let my son put his shoes on and go out to play. If he says his mum said he had to come in to play I would just say 'my son is going to be out playing. If you have to stay inside you should go back home.' It's not rude. What's rude is sending your son round and telling them they must play inside someone else's house. If she texts to tell you to send him home just say they are playing out. If your son doesn't want to play out just say that to the boy and text her back her son isn't at your house.

Howshouldibehave · 07/08/2021 19:28

If he says his mum said he had to come in to play I would just say 'my son is going to be out playing. If you have to stay inside you should go back home.'

Definitely

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 07/08/2021 19:30

Yeah to be honest it sounds like she is going to work.

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 07/08/2021 19:58

@MolyHolyGuacamole

Next time he comes round, send your son back over with hers, then text her with the time to have him back. Or just send him over.

If she's a CF I wouldn't be surprised though if she says it's not convenient, but then you'll know where you stand and start doing the same

This is exactly what I did with a neighbour who tried offloading her kid onto me too often with no thanks or reciprocation. Every time the kid showed up I started to pretend to misunderstand and send my child over to theirs. Then one day the child said she needed to come into my house to play because her mum was busy ! I said " I'm busy too so not today sorry" and shut the door.
surreygirl1987 · 07/08/2021 20:03

Absolutely a CF. But I feel sorry for her child. I'd also not send your child over until you have sussed out the situation.

QueenBee52 · 07/08/2021 20:09

You're being taken for a MUG

You're accepting it and are too embarrassed to say anything .. She depends on this and knows you will say nothing ...🌸

CF .. darn right she is 🙁

Babyg1995 · 08/08/2021 11:09

I had this issue happened a few times before I said no more and that was it problem solved just say no .

BorderlineHappy · 08/08/2021 11:40

I had this and I just texted the DM and asked her to let me know when her D's was looking to come over.

It was fine ,I had to not let him in on a few occasions and get his df to collect him.
He lived about 20 minutes away.

BorderlineHappy · 08/08/2021 11:48

Also funny how he's allowed to the park when your D's knocks for him.
But not allowed when he knocks for your D's.
Definitely a cf.