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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To give up my kids?

275 replies

rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 08:18

I’m a single mum of 3.

One a toddler, one with additional needs.

I just cannot cope anymore.

I have no support network.

No family or friends probably because I am a horrible person with mental health issues.

No input from ex.

I fantasise about committing suicide on a daily basis because I can’t cope with how relentless my life is.

I never, ever get a break.

Oldest and youngest have sleep issues so I barely get any sleep.

I can’t go on.

They would be better off without me but l don’t know how to go about doing this.

OP posts:
Littlehouseinthebigcity · 07/08/2021 08:21

Yanbu unreasonable to feel overwhelmed! Reach out for support - have you told your GP how you feel? It may that SS or similar could offer some temporary respite care to give you the chance to catch up on sleep - sleep deprivation can make you feel terrible.
Please don't despair xx

DollyParton2 · 07/08/2021 08:22

Don’t give up- on yourself or your kids. Other people will have far more practical advice of organisations that can help but it WILL pass and get easier. I know 100% how lack of sleep is SO depressing and anxiety inducing. It’s beyond awful. But they won’t be like this forever. Try to tackle the sleep head on and really go for it- when do they wake up? Can you see why they might wake? Analysis it, really look at it, look up YouTube videos with sleep experts, save for a child sleep expert to work with you, try to look at solutions. Don’t do anything drastic, please.

BlueSuffragette · 07/08/2021 08:32

Please talk to your HV or GP. You need some support. Maybe an Early Help assessment could be a way forward. Please seek help. Good luck xxx

Willyoujustbequiet · 07/08/2021 08:38

I am a lone parent of dc with additional needs and I have no family.

I promise you it gets easier as they get older but yanbu. Push for some respite/foster care to give you some breathing space Flowers

AgileSlug · 07/08/2021 08:42

Sending love. Unmumsnetty hugs. Don't kill yourself.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/08/2021 08:45

If you approach social services and tell them that you are at breaking point then they should want to help you. Please contact them. Also talk to your gp and health visitor and see what support they can send your way.

Elys3 · 07/08/2021 08:52

Sorry it’s so tough at the moment. Please do contact social services but if you can’t bear that Home start may be able to help. www.home-start.org.uk/Pages/Category/things-we-can-help-with

PinkyDozza · 07/08/2021 08:53

OP social services are there to help and have a legal duty to step in when a parent feels like this. The arrangements will be voluntary and you will not be losing your children they will work with you to find you the support you and the children need. Talking to your GP is a good suggestion but you could call children’s services directly. If the children are of school age / in nursery you could speak to the safeguarding officer who will have the contact details of some one in children’s services. With help I am sure you will feel better. No one should be left to feel alone.

Nonmaquillee · 07/08/2021 08:58

Please contact Homestart. I have a couple of friends - both very warm, pragmatic women - who work for them. They will definitely help you out by coming to your house regularly and engaging with the kids in some way so you get a break. They will listen to you too.

Also please contact GP and HV. I don’t know about SS but certainly HV should have some suggestions.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling. Lone parenting is very very hard. I can’t imagine doing it the way you are having to do it. You have all my sympathy.

Original poster
rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 09:13

Thank you for this.

I am a regular poster but have changed my name as I feel so ashamed.

I posted here as called my local crisis team this morning and they are in meetings and will call when they can. This is despite hearing how distressed I am.

The only reason I haven’t yet comitted suicide is because I am scared of where my kids will end up. I think if I knew what would happen to them, and that they’d be ok, I would do it in a heartbeat.

I can’t do years of this life.

I have contacted GP a while ago, he is helpful and prescribed anti-depressants.

The health visitor has also been helpful but her response is that if my ex doesn’t want to engage there is nothing I can do. True but unhelpful to hear.

It makes me so angry that men can just walk away from their kids and nothing is done to help.

OP posts:
Peppaismyrolemodel · 07/08/2021 09:18

I couldn’t read and run.
Sleep makes everything shit, even when it should be great.
CIO or sleep train, don’t listen to judgement.
Get a weeks worth of sleep and then reassess.
Your children deserve you getting a full nights sleep.
You deserve it.

Nonmaquillee · 07/08/2021 09:19

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. All the shame lies with your children’s father, if he is not willing to help.

Lone parenting can be a tough, lonely slog. My kids don’t have additional needs and their dad has always had a role to play in their lives so I simply can’t imagine the pressure you are under.

Are the ADs helping? Lack of sleep is just awful - can you go to bed at the same time as them? Is there anyone around you who can come and be with you this morning?

The local mental health team have to come and listen to you. Do you feel up to calling them again?

Whereabouts in the country are you?? I’m wondering if there’s a friendly person on MN who could offer a helping hand this weekend…

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 09:21
Thanks

Please phone social services too, explain that you are so suicidal and need help else you may have to surrender your DC for their safety. Sadly you need to be brutally honest and not fobbed off.

It's cheaper for SS to help now than have 3 DC in care.

Original poster
rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 09:30

I’m a teacher and I’m worried about the long term impact on my job if I admit to being suicidal and if SS get involved.

If I lose my career that’s one more thing I have lost from my life.

But I literally can’t cope another day.

I wouldn’t even know where to start with contacting SS to be honest.

OP posts:
Sadiecow · 07/08/2021 09:31

How very sad this post is. How very sad that you feel shame, which you shouldn't.

Reach out and try every Avenue for help. Speak to a neighbour, anyone, let them help.

If you were my neighbour and you reached out, I would help you.

Keep calling your crisis team, keep trying keep on fighting.

Come back on here and talk to us.

I'm so sorry you're so unwell and unable to access support.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/08/2021 09:32

Everything you say is completely understandable. It isn't fair, it isn't right, it's incredibly lonely, exhausting and thankless.

You have done so well to reach out to the local mental health team. I sense your frustration that they couldn't take your call right away and I can reply sympathise. Try to hang in there, and when they do call you back try to believe that they do genuinely want to help.

Be as honest with them as you have been in here.

I've been where you are now and it's a dark, painful place to be. I spent time in respite, caught up on sleep and gradually recovered. I truly hope you get the help you deserve to do the same. You're worth it.

Sadiecow · 07/08/2021 09:33

@rghltifndn

I’m a teacher and I’m worried about the long term impact on my job if I admit to being suicidal and if SS get involved.

If I lose my career that’s one more thing I have lost from my life.

But I literally can’t cope another day.

I wouldn’t even know where to start with contacting SS to be honest.

Do you have any family at all? Even remote family that would help you?
Original poster
rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 09:33

I have literally nobody.

The few people I have are very occupied with their own lives and to be honest last time I explained how I felt they called me dramatic and said that I shouldn’t share this with them as it isn’t fair on them.

I feel so alone.

I am going to get dressed and drive down to crisis team office - been there before unsurprisingly - and beg them for help.

OP posts:
Sadiecow · 07/08/2021 09:34

@rghltifndn you on top of everything else are sleep deprived. It's making everything worse.

DancyNancy · 07/08/2021 09:35

Im sorry you are feeling so bad. Parenting is so overwhelming and so very difficult with mental health issues, not to mention with additional needs and without support. I can understand your hopelessness and the want to give up.
Please call crisis team again.
Would you phone samaritans in the meantime to speak and cry and release a tiny amount of what's built up inside you.

Gp/A&E : would anyone know would they get some help for OP fast tracked?? I'm not in UK but In my country services are shit so I hope they are better there.

Can you afford private counselling immediately just to bridge until you get some support services involved?

Sorry bombarding you with things. I know that isn't helpful. But I also know how hard it is to think when depressed so sometimes need a list to pick from.

It's so hard. And there's no easy fix.
Please don't take your own life. You think your kids would be better off without you but they really wouldn't. You are very important to them but you need help.
maybe them going in to care is the option that would see you having space to get help for your own issues and still have contact when you are ready.
You are in a very hard situation and I can hear how badly you want out. You feel there is no other way. There isn't an easy way but there is another way .
I promise your children won't be better with you dead.
You are a loving mom who clearly cares about her kids. Look how you posted here trying to find a way to make sure they are OK. You are a good mom.

Genuine hugs to you. Keep posting here. Keep writing it out xx

Original poster
rghltifndn · 07/08/2021 09:36

Two family members and both too busy to help and to be honest quite dismissive of mental health in general. I get lots of ‘cheer up’, ‘it’ll get better’ or reminding me that I chose my ex so chose my circumstances.

OP posts:
Sadiecow · 07/08/2021 09:36

@rghltifndn

I have literally nobody.

The few people I have are very occupied with their own lives and to be honest last time I explained how I felt they called me dramatic and said that I shouldn’t share this with them as it isn’t fair on them.

I feel so alone.

I am going to get dressed and drive down to crisis team office - been there before unsurprisingly - and beg them for help.

Well done on taking that decision. You're a fighter obviously. Your children are incredibly lucky to have you. I'm sorry that the few people you have are so unenlightened regarding mental health issues.
Davina69 · 07/08/2021 09:36

I couldn't read and run.

Being suicidal is an awful feeling but you're not alone. Please hang on in there and wait for the support you need. It could be that your anti depressants need altering and lack of sleep won't help. Hang on in there, I know it's tough but so are you x

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 09:37

Do you have the money to pay for overnight cate for the DC in your home? I was thinking that a few nights of getting sufficient sleep could help in the very short term?

Sleep deprivation is hideous and known as a torture technique because it works.

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 09:38

Overnight care!!!

Via a babysitting agency or similar.