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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

258 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 07:38

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 07/08/2021 16:42

They grow out of it.

Mine weren't so rude as to ever take something without asking and then not put it back, or get it clean and put it back.

so you're ok with being treated with disrespect and things that you possibly need right now being unavailable?

I don't believe you.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 17:24

Mine weren't so rude as to ever take something without asking and then not put it back, or get it clean and put it back

Good for you. Mine did take things without asking. They are now young adults and very lovely and thoughtful.

Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 19:03

What is there not to believe? It's quite clear from my post that I am not ok with it Hmm

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 07/08/2021 21:30

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read! Are you stealth boasting about your teenage size figure and your youthful fashion sense? Does she borrow other personal items?

Get her out of the master bedroom. Does she have sleepovers every night? What about when she wants her boyfriend to stay? Will that be OK too? Maybe she can borrow your lingerie then!
Get your clothes out of her room. You are her Mum not her sister.
Why do you feel guilty?

EKGEMS · 07/08/2021 21:50

Can you reconfigure your clothing and toiletries storage so you can have more control of access? What works with her motivation? Phone, money,car? Sometimes not paying the cell phone bill or turning the router off will get her attention. Guilt isn't the best way to parent-my child has severe cerebral palsy and more surgeries than most adults have in their lifetime but he got disciplined when he stole a dvd set I received for Christmas from my room. He had to replace it with his holiday money. Hadn't touched my belongings since.
Good luck

SRS29 · 07/08/2021 23:01

OP I think you just need to parent....end of

ActonSquirrel · 07/08/2021 23:40

I can't believe I'm reading this either. Taking her mothers clothes unchallenged and women telling the OP she is violating the dds privacy by going into her bedroom to retrieve the items that were taken without permission.

The master bedroom no less. Privacy my arse, she lives by the grace of her mother. Every child that age does.

Kick her out that bedroom, tell her if she ever takes your clothes again her pocket money will be cut or some other sanction.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 08/08/2021 03:54

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

I have spoken to her and I've told her room is 'at risk' and we will be sitting down to write some house rules this weekend.
Good plan!
JustGiveMeGin · 08/08/2021 07:21

She sounds massively over indulged. I knew a young woman that had lifelong health conditions, her parents gave her everything because they felt sorry for her.....unsurprisingly she was the most self centered adult ever to walk the face of the earth. She struggled to keep friends (people would tolerate her as long as possible because they felt sorry for her at first) as she genuinely expected you to orbit her existence.
Your daughter will be in for a bumpy ride when she becomes an adult and can't understand why the world doesn't revolve around her, I assume as her mother this isn't someone you want (you will more than likely be listening to why her friends are so unreasonable for years and years as they slowly ditch her) so set some boundaries!

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 08:00

@JustGiveMeGin

She sounds massively over indulged. I knew a young woman that had lifelong health conditions, her parents gave her everything because they felt sorry for her.....unsurprisingly she was the most self centered adult ever to walk the face of the earth. She struggled to keep friends (people would tolerate her as long as possible because they felt sorry for her at first) as she genuinely expected you to orbit her existence. Your daughter will be in for a bumpy ride when she becomes an adult and can't understand why the world doesn't revolve around her, I assume as her mother this isn't someone you want (you will more than likely be listening to why her friends are so unreasonable for years and years as they slowly ditch her) so set some boundaries!
🤣🤣

Such drama!

sowhatsnext · 08/08/2021 08:09

Wtf -your clothes are in her room and her clothes are in another room?

Do you understand that this makes no sense? Put your stuff in the room where her clothes are and put a lock on that door. She has her clothes in her room.

Sounds like you’ve made a bit of an entitled brat for yourself tbh and you’re really not helping yourself with the situation 🤦‍♀️

Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 08/08/2021 08:48

@sowhatsnext
You have read a little bit about her and she's an entitled brat??? She is the kindest sweetest young person you could wish to meet, and it's not just me who says that. She has empathy by the bucketload but it seems that the way she treats me is her blind spot. You are reaching calling her that.

maybe not with me

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 08/08/2021 09:00

[quote iseedeadpeoplehelp]@sowhatsnext
You have read a little bit about her and she's an entitled brat??? She is the kindest sweetest young person you could wish to meet, and it's not just me who says that. She has empathy by the bucketload but it seems that the way she treats me is her blind spot. You are reaching calling her that.

maybe not with me[/quote]
Will say it again.

If she's the sweetest person ever why does she disrespect you so much that you have to start a thread on MN about her behaviour in stealing your clothes and letting her friends wear them despite you telling her not to. Thats some cognitive dissonance.

The more you refuse to even acknowledge that she has her moments which youve clearly help indulge, the more you are doing her a disservice.

Get your head out of the sand.

Maybe she's nice most of the time. That doesn't mean she isn't being overindulged and isnt acting like a brat when she acts like a brat and disrespects you.

JustGiveMeGin · 08/08/2021 09:06

So kind and so sweet that you're at the point of posting on here about her because she point blank refuses to listen to you when you tell her to leave your stuff alone? Okay.

PyjamaFan · 08/08/2021 09:15

Well she doesn't sound kind to me.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 09:42

Oh stop it. These posts are just nasty now.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 09:43

Who on earth has such a miserable life that they want to spend their Sunday morning being vindictive about a 15 year old that they don't even know. Its fucking sad tbh.

TheFoundations · 08/08/2021 09:45

@Bryonyshcmyony

Who on earth has such a miserable life that they want to spend their Sunday morning being vindictive about a 15 year old that they don't even know. Its fucking sad tbh.
Who on earth has such a miserable life that they want to opt to Police those people?

Oh, this could go on aaaalll day.... Smile

mog27 · 08/08/2021 09:54

Well this is another lovely thread 🙄

Came on here looking for tips because I have a 15 year old Dd that does exactly the same but apparently I'm raising an entitled brat 😂

RedToothBrush · 08/08/2021 09:54

Im trying to help.

You don't help by encouraging someone to just be willfully blind to an issue.

Being honest and talking about reality of a situation is not being nasty. How the two have become confused in the language of today is beyond my comprehension. I do despair of people who are desperate to have a permanent love in as that ignore problems and doesn't make things better.

You can't improve a situation and strive for improvement if you say the status quo is brilliant when you simultaneously are saying you are unhappy and its causing problems.

Have the conversation about why you are in that mess.

And i firmly lay blame at the door of the person in denial and in the position of responsibility not the child anyway.

Thehop · 08/08/2021 09:56

If I lived with just my child I’d likely give them the en suite and big room too.

I really would hate their friends in my clothes and not looking after mine though.

I think telling her she risks losing that master suite is a good idea and may make her think.....in the mean time is there any way at all you can get clothes rails or drawers in your room or office? second hand ones?

PyjamaFan · 08/08/2021 09:56

Sorry but I think helping yourself to someone's clothes and make up is entitled.

JustGiveMeGin · 08/08/2021 10:00

And once again the 'be kind crew' have appeared. It is not unkind to be honest. Would you rather every poster said 'there there, carry on...of course you should let your daughter take all of your possessions. Whilst you're at it, let her friends have them too'. I must live on a different planet to some people, to be honest I'm glad I do!

RedToothBrush · 08/08/2021 10:22

@JustGiveMeGin

And once again the 'be kind crew' have appeared. It is not unkind to be honest. Would you rather every poster said 'there there, carry on...of course you should let your daughter take all of your possessions. Whilst you're at it, let her friends have them too'. I must live on a different planet to some people, to be honest I'm glad I do!
Its not parenting.

Its trying to be their best mate and abdicating responsibility.

And then wondering why you end up a doormat for not having boundaries.

Its going to the other extreme from being overly strict.

Happy medium.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 10:27

A happy medium is realising this is a perfectly normal (and anyone thst says a teenage girl borrowing their mums/dads/siblings clothes isn't completely normal if irritating can't possibly have a teen girl) and not feeling the need to call someone's dd names . And as for all the ominous mark my words she'll have no friends posts - they are just ridiculous