AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

[iseedeadpeoplehelp]

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

This is all bizarre.
Your daughter has the master bedroom, which has your clothes in it. Her clothes are in another room! No wonder the lines are blurred about who is entitled to use what!

If you don’t want to reclaim the master bedroom, then simply move your clothes to the spare room, and hers to the master bedroom. Buy extra rails to hang your clothes. Then put a lock on the spare room door, and also the bathroom door.

@PersonaNonGarter

Plenty of us are parents of teenagers *@Bryonyshcmyony* and helping them go out into the world without entitlement is actually part of our parental responsibility.

Yes dear I have four of them. Room size - which varies considerably in my house - has no bearing on clothes nicking. One is terrible for it and she has the smallest room.

What solution do you want as you seem to be objecting to everything anyone suggests on here?
Do you want her to magically stop taking your things?

Remove your clothes from her room and find somewhere to put them. If you haven't got enough storage sell some of the clothes until they fit into the storage you do have.

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH HER HAVING THE BIG ROOM fgs! Why on earth has everyone got hung up on bedroom size being an indicator of a power struggle?!

It is when the mothers clothes are in the daughters bedroom....

The mother needs a bedroom with her clothes in it, as does the daughter.

You either have to change something physically or set really hard boundaries and enforce them.

I can get quite cross when the kids behave in an entitled/selfish way - I would stop her allowance, remove her phone, switch off the internet and say no lifts and then talk to her about getting these things back if she stops taking anything that is yours without prior permission. I would be happy to give them back instantly if she looked like she was taking me seriously, but I would remove them again the very first time she took anything.

Personally I would probably swap back into the master bedoorm and put a lock on it because it would be the easier route, but you know your house/life better than I do.

In a way you are lucky she is an only child as at least you know which child it is, this is a real difficulty when you have more than one!

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH HER HAVING THE BIG ROOM fgs! Why on earth has everyone got hung up on bedroom size being an indicator of a power struggle?!

Of course it is.

And the mother still having clothes in there and invading the daughters space and wondering why there is blurring of boundaries and a bewildered response about why daughter is taking things without asking.

Entirely of the OPs making for giving confused messaging.

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom

This is where you have effectively made her 'top dog'. And your clothes are in her territory. You need to think about ways to rectify this.

In the long term, you are not being kind to her. Boundaries keep a growing child secure and happy.

Dd does not need her own bathroom.

Of course she doesn't need it but the house set-up allows it.

I had my own bathroom as a teenager as we had a four bedroom house but I was an only child, so it made sense for my parents to have their en-suite and for me to have exclusive use of the other.

I managed to have my own bathroom, bedroom and study room and not steal my mum's clothes and toiletries.

They're two completely separate issues.

One warning then you change rooms and lock the door.

It’s her choice.

And a big talk on trust and respect.

Unhinged. Nice
The OP has said that's not the issue and yet people piling on to say she must be wrong. It's stupid

Well this was straightforward. Ensure your clothes aren't kept in her room.

Sit down have a chat, tell her how much it annoys you and that you're taking X action to ensure it doesn't happen again, so you don't have to get grumpy with her in the future because you're getting upset and she can't be enjoying constantly getting told off either. Emphasise that afterwards you do not expect her to be taking anything of yours from anywhere.

Then you either move back into the room where your clothes are, or buy some clothes rails and turn the spare room into a proper dressing room for you. Maybe give her the choice so you have the option of the other thing being a future consequence if her behaviour doesn't change.

I'm sure she's lovely. But by mixing the 2 spaces - your things in her room, her things in your room - you've stopped both of you having your own space.

If all your things are in the master bedroom and she's not allowed to touch them, then its not fully her room. If all her things are in your room and she has to go into that room to reach them, then its not your private space.

If you can't change it so your stuff fits in the bedroom you have, then the logical thing is to swap rooms back, make the family bathroom hers, be clear your bedroom is your private space and if she wants to borrow your clothes she has to ask and be prepared to hear "no".

Its not really fair to keep all your things in her room, meaning she doesn't have space for her own, then complaining she touches it.

Swap back. Or improve the storage in your bedroom to fit your things. (Is there a 3rd bedroom that could be your "dressing room"? All your stuff in there and the door locked. All her stuff in her bedroom. Your room is your private space)

Well first of all I'd be making her swap bedrooms with you.

If she can't respect your stuff in her room then you need to find a way to make your stuff available in your room, even if that means swapping rooms.

If she wants sleepovers and things she can have her friends doss on the couch or go to their bloody houses.

You're treating her like a right princess while she treats you like a mug.

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue. Would you prefer she didn’t want anything to do with her 50 something mum? What’s the harm? Trust me, soon she will have a life removed from yours and you won’t have to bother about any of this. It’s not worth being bothered over, seriously.

The bottom line here, is that you need your clothes in your bedroom and she needs hers in her bedroom.
It's up to you who has which bedroom but this mixing of rooms seems ridiculous.
I do agree with others though, she needs firmer boundaries otherwise this will just get worse as she becomes an adult.

@HoppingPavlova

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue. Would you prefer she didn’t want anything to do with her 50 something mum? What’s the harm? Trust me, soon she will have a life removed from yours and you won’t have to bother about any of this. It’s not worth being bothered over, seriously.

Agree.

It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH HER HAVING THE BIG ROOM fgs! Why on earth has everyone got hung up on bedroom size being an indicator of a power struggle?!

because that's how madam gets her hands on OP's clothes.

OP it's going to be hard because apparently up to now there have been zero boundaries. You can change this. But start now. By taking the bigger bedroom with en suite. And lock it.

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue.

you don't see the issue with, say, OP gets up to go to work and her clothes are in a filthy dog-haired filled heap on the floor? You don't see the problem.

Do you have teenagers? Do they do this?

@Brefugee

It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH HER HAVING THE BIG ROOM fgs! Why on earth has everyone got hung up on bedroom size being an indicator of a power struggle?!

because that's how madam gets her hands on OP's clothes.

OP it's going to be hard because apparently up to now there have been zero boundaries. You can change this. But start now. By taking the bigger bedroom with en suite. And lock it.

Yes, because OP insists on storing her clothes in her DD"s room.

That would happen if the DD's room was a box room, a suite or a penthouse terrace.

It's not because her DD has the master bedroom, it's because OP needs to find somewhere else to store her stuff.

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom. The other bedroom where her clothes has a wardrobe and chest of drawers that just would not fit my things in. We are thinking of putting more storage in the smaller room but can't afford it at the minute.

Your child is spoilt.

I usually hate that word but sorry in this case it is the truth, your lack of boundries and your OTT self sacrafice has lead to a child who believes she can TAKE anything she wants and the world revolves around her comfort - thats going to be dangerous when she hits the real world.

Not really sure what can be done this late on but first off take the master bedroom back, she will likely bitch and moan and call you 'the worst mother in the world' but you need to start putting in place an understanding that there are times in life she isnt the alpha now so that its not a shock or something that gets her in serious trouble later in life.

You made a mistake giving her the master bedroom imo. She now thinks she is entitled to everything.
You need some boundaries. With consequences that she will not like. Take her door off.

@Brefugee

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue.

you don't see the issue with, say, OP gets up to go to work and her clothes are in a filthy dog-haired filled heap on the floor? You don't see the problem.

Do you have teenagers? Do they do this?

They grow out of it.

@HoppingPavlova

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue. Would you prefer she didn’t want anything to do with her 50 something mum? What’s the harm? Trust me, soon she will have a life removed from yours and you won’t have to bother about any of this. It’s not worth being bothered over, seriously.

I disagree with this, the child is behaving in a rude/inconsiderate way and parents should not leave that unchallenged.

I am happy to share with my kids but they need to behave reasonably.

@HoppingPavlova

Sorry, I can’t really see the issue. Would you prefer she didn’t want anything to do with her 50 something mum? What’s the harm? Trust me, soon she will have a life removed from yours and you won’t have to bother about any of this. It’s not worth being bothered over, seriously.

The issue is disrespect. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

The harm is that the child is learning not to consider or respect other people's feelings and possessions.

Whether it's 'worth' being bothered over is irrelevant. OP already is bothered.

This really isn't hard to understand.