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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

258 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 07:38

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 08/08/2021 10:38

@Bryonyshcmyony

A happy medium is realising this is a perfectly normal (and anyone thst says a teenage girl borrowing their mums/dads/siblings clothes isn't completely normal if irritating can't possibly have a teen girl) and not feeling the need to call someone's dd names . And as for all the ominous mark my words she'll have no friends posts - they are just ridiculous
Errr no.

Don't normalise something thats not a normal situation.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 10:43

It's totally normal - it's infuriating but as other well balanced posters have realised, it will be a passing phase.

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 10:43

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom. The other bedroom where her clothes has a wardrobe and chest of drawers that just would not fit my things in. We are thinking of putting more storage in the smaller room but can't afford it at the minute.
Well. Sorry, but it's clear who's Top Dog in your household.

Take the room back

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 10:44

[quote iseedeadpeoplehelp]@sowhatsnext
You have read a little bit about her and she's an entitled brat??? She is the kindest sweetest young person you could wish to meet, and it's not just me who says that. She has empathy by the bucketload but it seems that the way she treats me is her blind spot. You are reaching calling her that.

maybe not with me[/quote]
Not going by your posts!

You've spoilt her and this is the consequence

Nanny0gg · 08/08/2021 10:46

@mog27

Well this is another lovely thread 🙄

Came on here looking for tips because I have a 15 year old Dd that does exactly the same but apparently I'm raising an entitled brat 😂

Well, does she have the best room in the house? Does she have any consequences when she takes your stuff?
C8H10N4O2 · 08/08/2021 10:58

If she can't leave your clothes alone or ask first then take back the bedroom.

This is common with teens - using parents' stuff. I never minded much when it was toiletries etc but I did expect them to put stuff back and tell me when something needed replacing. Clothes were definitely "ask first" and put back clean.

If she is generally thoughtful have you told her it bothers you and upsets you? How would she feel if you were borrowing her stuff without asking and not putting back/cleaning it etc?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 08/08/2021 11:00

@Bryonyshcmyony

A happy medium is realising this is a perfectly normal (and anyone thst says a teenage girl borrowing their mums/dads/siblings clothes isn't completely normal if irritating can't possibly have a teen girl) and not feeling the need to call someone's dd names . And as for all the ominous mark my words she'll have no friends posts - they are just ridiculous
It's only normal if the person borrowing asks and takes care of the item.
RedToothBrush · 08/08/2021 11:00

@Bryonyshcmyony

It's totally normal - it's infuriating but as other well balanced posters have realised, it will be a passing phase.
Are you saying its normal to put your daughter in the master suite out of guilt and then keep your clothes in there?

Really?

Na. Come off it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 08/08/2021 11:03

It wasn't out of guilt was it? It was a practical solution to recognising her dd would have friends for sleepovers. I agree it would be good to move her clothes out of there, but the OP has said why that's not possible atm

mog27 · 08/08/2021 11:06

@Nanny0gg yes there's consequences. Does it stop her? Absolutely not.

Kiduknot · 08/08/2021 11:10

Have you had the big chat after the “at risk” conversation?

Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 08/08/2021 11:24

@mog27 welcome to the 'let's bash teenagers for being teenagers' and the 'crap parents' thread! I have had some good advice on here and have been hectored by some other people who just want to have a go at my teen and I. I fucking give up with thinking that perhaps people would understand that situations are not straightforward 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
lazylinguist · 08/08/2021 23:16

You admitted your dd was a pain and admitted your parenting was at fault through indulging her and not imposing boundaries. So why is it 'teen bashing' and unfair accusations of bad parenting when other say it?

AgentJohnson · 09/08/2021 05:07

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t label my DD the kindest, sweetest etc if she repeatedly took my stuff and treated it disrespectfully. What consequences have there been for her behaviour?

Buy a clothes rail and a lock for the room where you sleep. Giving her the master and then storing your stuff in there is an example of your blurred boundaries. Your stuff is in her territory, which sends the message that her space isn’t her own.

I’m confused as to why it’s got to this point, given the solution is relatively simple and inexpensive. Parenting by guilt, is neither helpful or effective.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/08/2021 05:43

@Bryonyshcmyony

anyone thst says a teenage girl borrowing their mums/dads/siblings clothes isn't completely normal if irritating can't possibly have a teen girl

I wouldn't have been seen dead in my Mum's clothes as a teenager!

She's a rude, entitled brat. Time to put some locks on the doors, OP.

Halfwreckedbykids · 09/08/2021 07:14

Same here...well with hair straightners etc not clothes so much.
I love it and think it's cute.
My husband says leave all the stuff in one place and I laughed and said it is...its all in her room.
I don't mind in the slightest. But if you do then have a chat with her and be clear.
This will pass.
Shes 15 now and in 3/4 years might be away at uni. If that happens I ll be wishing she was robbing my stuff.

15 Yr old girls are v messy though...I ve read her the riot act before but I also remember that was me and I m tidy now so it ll come right.

FunMcCool · 09/08/2021 07:31

@iseedeadpeoplehelp she has empathy by the bucketload but doesn’t care when you ask her to stop doing something that is upsetting/annoying you? That you’ve repeatedly asked her to stop. That doesn’t really match up does it.

EishetChayil · 09/08/2021 08:04

You sound pretty ineffectual as a parent, so it's not really surprising that she's taking massive liberties.

lazylinguist · 09/08/2021 08:14

anyone thst says a teenage girl borrowing their mums/dads/siblings clothes isn't completely normal if irritating can't possibly have a teen girl

Neither dsis or I borrowed our mum's clothes or each other's. My teenage dd has never and would never borrow mine - we have very, very different styles!

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/08/2021 08:16

You’ve given her the master with the en-suite?

There’s your answer, I’m afraid.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 09/08/2021 12:29

[quote iseedeadpeoplehelp]@mog27 welcome to the 'let's bash teenagers for being teenagers' and the 'crap parents' thread! I have had some good advice on here and have been hectored by some other people who just want to have a go at my teen and I. I fucking give up with thinking that perhaps people would understand that situations are not straightforward 🤷‍♀️[/quote]
Yes, situations are not straightforward. But in this case, the majority of posters have suggested you read her the riot act and if she carries on, bedroom change and lick on the door. That is not only straightforward, but it's teaching her about respect, boundaries and consequences.

That is not only straightforward, but it's a very simple solution.

Your stuff is in her room, which is the master bedroom. She sees it as fair game. Despite requests from you, she's still using your stuff. Set the boundaries and explain the consequences. Failure to respect that and carry out the sanction. Simple.

PrincessNutella · 09/08/2021 13:29

I am sure you are a very nice person, probably too nice. It's not really healthy for you to have given your daughter the master bedroom and for you to keep your clothes in your daughter's bedroom. You have made her the literal master of your household. Of COURSE she is going to feel entitled to wear the clothes that are in her room and use the shampoo that is in her bathroom, if you are going to creep around like the servant in the smaller quarters. You need to take back your power as the parent in every sense. Get her out of the master bedroom and out of the master position in the household. You are the adult and she is the child. If you don't get a grip on this now it will only get worse. Being a parent is not just about being nice. Your daughter is begging you to show some spine. You are being so weak it is scaring her.

Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 09/08/2021 14:40

@PrincessNutella how on earth have you reached the conclusion that she is scared? Or how I have no backbone? I think you need to raft. I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet, have overcome serious adversity and dealt with trauma on a daily basis. My one weakness is my child. Now stop making assumptions about me that you are clearly not qualified to make.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 09/08/2021 18:44

[quote iseedeadpeoplehelp]@PrincessNutella how on earth have you reached the conclusion that she is scared? Or how I have no backbone? I think you need to raft. I am one of the strongest people you will ever meet, have overcome serious adversity and dealt with trauma on a daily basis. My one weakness is my child. Now stop making assumptions about me that you are clearly not qualified to make. [/quote]
You admit you have a weakness and lack a backbone with your daughter then!

By your own admission!

Bryonyshcmyony · 09/08/2021 18:54

Oh give it a rest @RedToothBrush