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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

258 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 07:38

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
BizzyIzzyfruitpie · 07/08/2021 12:26

Just tell her not to! I have a 15 year old that wouldn’t dream of taking anything without asking. I despair how much 15 year old’s get away with on mumsnet, something I’ve never experienced in real life!

Plumtree391 · 07/08/2021 12:32

@2bazookas

Wear her favourite outfit for your sexy time. Borrow her phone (don't ask permission., don't mention, and don't return it. When she asks, tell her you lost or broke it. 
 When she pauses screaming and ranting for breath, you say " Now you know exactly  how I feel when you take my stuff".</div></div>

That made me LOL.
Not bad advice, 2bazookas, well done.

Terhou · 07/08/2021 12:34

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom.

Time for a swap. If she has a smaller room she'll need to be a bit tidier, and if she has sleepovers the friends can sleep on a sofa or the floor.

HoppingPavlova · 07/08/2021 12:36

Do you have teenagers? Do they do this?

To be clear this was me. You are asking me. Yes, I have. Yes, this in an incredibly small phase in the overall scene of life with a person who will soon transition from a teen to a young adult. This is not naturally something that will go on forever. Why make a big deal of it when it does have an organic natural endpoint? You will not be trapped in this situation forever but a few years at most. Do you want to make this the hill you die on?

HoppingPavlova · 07/08/2021 12:43

Whether it's 'worth' being bothered over is irrelevant. OP already is bothered.

This was also addressed to me. Yes, I’m sure she is but the point I was making was, with HINDSIGHT, it’s worth mentioning that is not worth being bothered over. At all. Been there, done that. It’s really a transient phase and if you want to make this the hill you die on it’s really not to your advantage.

HoppingPavlova · 07/08/2021 12:48

Also, to be clear my kids are young adults who have passed the teen phase. Done that, been there. All successful young adults who organically passed the ‘entitled’ teen phase. It’s a developmental phase that IS normal but they do come out the other end. It’s an organic process, not dictated by scale of parental outrage.

AmyDudley · 07/08/2021 12:48

How are you conveying the message that you don;t want her using her clothes - do you tell her every time she does it ? are you OK with her using some of you clothes but not others? Are you cross with her whenever she takes them?

I think you should sit down with her and say what you expect. If you want her to leave your clothes alone completely tell her that and say from now on there will be consequences if she takes them. Any clothes damaged or dirtied - she must pay to replace or to have professionally cleaned. (pocket money or allowance stopped until cost covered.)
If you are OK with her using some items then tell her she can items from a certain section of the wardrobe (if she asks first) but others (in a marked off area) are off limits and never to be used.
Tell her that allowing her friends to wear your clothes is disrespectful and absolutely not to happen again. Ask her how she would feel if she came home one day and found yo and a group of friends lounging around in her clothing.

Its finding a balance - I have a DD (now grown up) and have never had a problem with her borrowing my clothes, but she always asked first. And its a nice thing to be able to share things with a DD - finding a cardi or coat to go with what she's wearing when she doesn't have the right thing, or whatever - it's a lovely thing to share.
But it's got out of hand with your DD - so you need to talk to her to get it reigned back to being a nice Mum and DD sharing thing by getting her to agree with boundaries, and explain to her how it makes you feel when your things are damaged and disrespected.

FeatheredHope · 07/08/2021 12:51

So when you found her AND her friend (!) in YOUR clothes yesterday, what did you do?!

grapewine · 07/08/2021 13:06

@FeatheredHope

So when you found her AND her friend (!) in YOUR clothes yesterday, what did you do?!
This. Shocking.
RedToothBrush · 07/08/2021 13:12

@FeatheredHope

So when you found her AND her friend (!) in YOUR clothes yesterday, what did you do?!
All those saying the daughter isn't spoilt, entitled and rude need to reflect on how the daughter wore her mothers clothes despite being told not to and let her mate wear her mum's clothes and then come up with a response which explains how this isn't massively disrespectful. That includes you OP.

gets popcorn

Unsure33 · 07/08/2021 13:14

You need to get her a trundle or good guest bed and take your room back !

ActonSquirrel · 07/08/2021 13:15

The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough! Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

Sorry if this has already been said but something along those lines: when I was your age I wouldn't have been seen dead dressed the same as my mother, not cool etc.

ImFree2doasiwant · 07/08/2021 13:20

I'm intrigued as to what sort of clothes you have that your 14 yr old wears them also!

I'd change rooms back and lock the door. Simple.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2021 13:27

@icedcoffees

If your clothes are in her room, are you constantly going in there and invading her privacy?
This was my thought.

It’s time to reclaim your room. This set up doesn’t work. You’re going to have a monster really soon. She’s only 14 now, what are you going to do when she’s having boyfriends over and you want your stuff? This will be incredibly awkward. Then what will you do in a couple of years when she goes out, gets drunk and rips / vomits all over your clothes?

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 13:32

You aren’t going to say anything are you op?

LuxOlente · 07/08/2021 13:38

Well, what methods of discipline and rule-setting have you tried? She obviously isn't bothered by any of it, so get serious.

She loses any privileges she has. Whether it's pocket money or the use of a phone or electronic device, or going out to see friends, or having friends over - none of it happens for 2 weeks every time she steals your things. She will soon learn.

You 'stop' someone from behaving poorly by implementing consequences that matter to them.

ShowOfHands · 07/08/2021 14:02

@ImFree2doasiwant

I'm intrigued as to what sort of clothes you have that your 14 yr old wears them also!

I'd change rooms back and lock the door. Simple.

My 14yr old wears my clothes all the time @ImFree2doasiwant In fact, she's gone to London with her grandparents today and is wearing my fox dungarees.
Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 14:19

I wear a mixture, H&M, Hush, Zara etc. Stan Smith trainers, docs. I dress young for my age Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 14:22

I have spoken to her and I've told her room is 'at risk' and we will be sitting down to write some house rules this weekend.

OP posts:
newtolineofduty · 07/08/2021 14:52

Swap bedrooms! Xxx

Twoforthree · 07/08/2021 14:59

And make sure you carry it though. She’ll respect you for it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/08/2021 15:06

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom. The other bedroom where her clothes has a wardrobe and chest of drawers that just would not fit my things in. We are thinking of putting more storage in the smaller room but can't afford it at the minute.
WTAF?Confused

And

"The guilt of her being an only child and the fact I work long hours has made me feel as if I should prioritise her above myself. Which I suppose is right in many respects."

Where the hell is this 'guilt of her being an only child' coming from? My DS is also an only child, I'd have preferred two but it was not to be, but - guilt? Serious question, @iseedeadpeoplehelp - why do you feel guilt?

You need to behave towards her as her mother and not her supplicant. She takes your stuff because frankly, your behaviour makes it seem reasonable to her. You gave her THE MASTER BEDROOM so what's a blouse or a bottle of shampoo?

Plan of action:

  1. She is moved to the smaller bedroom
  2. You retake your bedroom (it obviously was yours in the past, hence your clothes in there)
  3. You put a lock on the door of your bedroom
  4. You give your head a wobble
Mistressofnone · 07/08/2021 16:15

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

I have spoken to her and I've told her room is 'at risk' and we will be sitting down to write some house rules this weekend.
That sounds like a great idea! She might realise how annoying it is with a proper chat.
grapewine · 07/08/2021 16:23

Plan of action:

  1. She is moved to the smaller bedroom
  2. You retake your bedroom (it obviously was yours in the past, hence your clothes in there)
  3. You put a lock on the door of your bedroom
  4. You give your head a wobble

I'd second this. And I'd do it pdq. She's walking all over you because of parental guilt. Head wobble time.

Szyz2020 · 07/08/2021 16:36

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

I have spoken to her and I've told her room is 'at risk' and we will be sitting down to write some house rules this weekend.
Well done OP. Now stick to a clear plan for goodness sake, don’t let the opportunity slide. Firm but fair, clear boundaries and easily enforceable consequences. You’ve got this.

PS I would have absolutely handed her arse to her re the friend wearing your clothes - there’s taking the piss within your own household and then there’s complete disrespect. Your clothes aren’t the dress-up box for teens! Do make sure she’s very clear from now in on what’s acceptable and what isn’t - she’s old enough to know that wasn’t ok.