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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

258 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 07:38

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Inertia · 07/08/2021 09:29

Whatever your reasons for letting her have the master bedroom, the current situation isn’t working. She sees herself as in charge, and you are merely the provider of resources.

The blurred boundaries won’t be helping. If your stuff is her room, she obviously sees it as fair game. If you want to keep the current bedroom setup ( and I can see your logic if it’s just the two of you), then you have to move your stuff out. You can buy cheap clothes rails/ canvas cupboards from eg Argos until you can afford something more long term. You can then lock your bedroom and study door.

You might find you can afford more when you no longer need to replace stuff DD has wrecked.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/08/2021 09:33

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

Just for the record this is the ONLY issue I have with her. She is kind to a fault and has had a LOT of issues. Significant surgery lasting over 8 hours, mental health issues etc. Yes she's a pain and yes I do need to implement boundaries that's clear. What I don't need is a bunch of witches calling her names! For those of you who have taken the time to respond with balanced advice I thank you.
No name calling from me. We all do our best with what we've got and you seem to have gotten a little sidetracked by guilt.

You can turn this around 👍

PersonaNonGarter · 07/08/2021 09:34

We’re not witches calling her names. We see her as others will. That’s why you need to act - for her sake.

You need to get some boundaries in place and take back the bigger room. Otherwise what we say here will pale in comparison to what the world will say if she goes out into it with the Entitled Princess background you have set up.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 09:38

Yes lots of typical mumsnet comments only too quick to put the boot into a teenage girl.

Entitled must be the most overused word on here

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 09:40

OP if she was a boy and given the smaller room you would have had loads of replies saying how entitled you were for taking the master bedroom. Hopefully he wouldn't be nicking your clothes though 😂

Antwerpen · 07/08/2021 09:44

sexy time

Grim Hmm

RedToothBrush · 07/08/2021 09:45

By giving her the master bedroom the message you sent was that she rules the roost. By keeping your own clothes in the master bedroom you further blurred boundaries where neither her nor you have a clear set space. Everything is shared as a result.

The only way that this will be resolved is by reestablishing clear boundaries and making the point that its your house and your things and she needs to follow that.

That means, swapping rooms back and potentially having a lock on the door.

As for the nonsense about the family bathroom being nicer than the ensuite which is why she had the master in the first place. Errrr its your house. You dont get a bathroom each. If you want to use the family bathroom and the ensuite depending on what you feel like. She doesn't get ownership of a bathroom. She sucks it up and fits in with you and the rules of the house.

You've made this mess by trying to be nice and treating her like an equal when shes not, and when given an inch she's taken a mile.

Tell her this hasn't worked out and she's constantly disrespected you and as such you have to reestablish clear boundaries about whose house and belonging these are. And if she complains, suggest she starts to pay rent etc.

You've let this get out of control. Being nice and taking a softly softly approach hasn't worked.

Spell it out to her that she's taken advantage and abused her privilege therefore it is being removed.

icedcoffees · 07/08/2021 09:46

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

Just for the record this is the ONLY issue I have with her. She is kind to a fault and has had a LOT of issues. Significant surgery lasting over 8 hours, mental health issues etc. Yes she's a pain and yes I do need to implement boundaries that's clear. What I don't need is a bunch of witches calling her names! For those of you who have taken the time to respond with balanced advice I thank you.
It always happens on AIBU. Try not to take it to heart.

I think the main thing to do is to get your stuff out of her room - give her her own space that's 100% hers so she doesn't have to worry about you popping in all the time to get things.

Put your stuff in your own space - in your room or the study - get some disposable rails or storage boxes for under the bed. It's not fair on your DD to have her room filled with your stuff and it's not really fair on you either.

I don't think her having the master bedroom is an issue to be honest - if it suits your set-up and means she can have friends etc. over without disturbing everyone else, it's fine.

I had more space than my parents as a teenager because I spent all my time in my room and it meant I had a space away from them so I could hang out with my friends/watch TV etc. without disturbing them.

icedcoffees · 07/08/2021 09:48

By giving her the master bedroom the message you sent was that she rules the roost

OP says it suits their set-up better for her DD to have her own room and bathroom - I don't know why people are so determined to argue that they know better, lol.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 09:51

@icedcoffees

By giving her the master bedroom the message you sent was that she rules the roost

OP says it suits their set-up better for her DD to have her own room and bathroom - I don't know why people are so determined to argue that they know better, lol.

I know!! So hung up on it

Fwiw the DC who nicks my stuff has the tiniest bedroom in the house.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 07/08/2021 09:52

@Datingandnoideahowto

Fuck that!!! Take your master bedroom back! She can use the bathroom!!!
This! Ultimate deterrent - give her one chance then swap back when she's out. Rope in a friend to help.

You have to earn that sort of privilege op, and she's repeatedly shown that she has zero respect for you or your stuff. Take back the control - youre her parent!

MumW · 07/08/2021 09:53

I think your only real option is to lock your stuff but if you really can't or won't do that then have you considered reclaiming the master bedroom for yourself. If she can't respect your things, then maybe she should lose that privilege.

wheresmymojo · 07/08/2021 09:54

The problem here is...if you don't start enforcing boundaries and getting her to realise she isn't the centre of the universe...

She's going to become a CF that someone writes a thread about on MN.

This is how CF's are created!

felulageller · 07/08/2021 09:55

You don't need to feel guilty about her being an only child.

81Byerley · 07/08/2021 09:55

This is a difficult one. Buy yourself some new tweezers and hide them somewhere she wouldn't expect...one of those hollowed out books? As for your clothes, I think the only thing you can do is insist she takes them off, every time, immediately, and be consistent about it. If that seems too much of a hassle, then maybe you need to start thinking of all your stuff as "ours" rather than "mine".

Brefugee · 07/08/2021 09:56

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom.

Move her out of the master bedroom and take it for yourself. Put all your things in it and lock the door.

Lock your bathroom things in a cabinet in the bathroom.

RedToothBrush · 07/08/2021 09:58

@icedcoffees

By giving her the master bedroom the message you sent was that she rules the roost

OP says it suits their set-up better for her DD to have her own room and bathroom - I don't know why people are so determined to argue that they know better, lol.

Dd does not need her own bathroom.

Many people live in houses with only one bathroom.

Op's problem is shes a soft touch who spoils her daughter and doesn't enforce boundaries.

Even the bedroom thing is daft on the part of the OP because it means the daughter doesn't get her own private space with her bedroom.

So there's mixed messages and stupid ideas about who has what bit of the house and its leading to conflict.

Simplify the issue.

The OP needs to assert that its her house.

Op cant have her cake and eat it by saying "i want the nice big wardrobes in the master and the family bathroom but i also want my own privacy" when shes walking in and out of the master which is supposedly the daughters space but then pulls out the gotcha of oh "but she has the ensuite".

Its clearly a case of poor parenting, confused messaging and blurred boundaries and then a bewildered 'what am i doing wrong' when its glaringly obvious to most people on here what the problem is.

tickingthebox73 · 07/08/2021 09:59

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

Just for the record this is the ONLY issue I have with her. She is kind to a fault and has had a LOT of issues. Significant surgery lasting over 8 hours, mental health issues etc. Yes she's a pain and yes I do need to implement boundaries that's clear. What I don't need is a bunch of witches calling her names! For those of you who have taken the time to respond with balanced advice I thank you.
I also have a 15yo.... they are awful in general with no boundaries (only their own Hmm which are rigidly enforced by them).

You do unfortunately need to take back seniority in the house, and that means being in the master bedroom with the wardrobe with your clothes in it.

You will then have control over where your tweezers are and your clothes. You won't eliminate it completely but it will die down.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 07/08/2021 09:59

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom. The other bedroom where her clothes has a wardrobe and chest of drawers that just would not fit my things in. We are thinking of putting more storage in the smaller room but can't afford it at the minute.
And that RIGHT there is your problem.

She thinks she rules the roost because you bloody well told her so when you gave up your bedroom.

Take it back.

Your the adult; she’s the child. Her clothes in her room. Yours in yours.

She respects boundaries or else you enforce consequences. Not punishments. Consequences. The consequence of her ignoring (repeatedly) the requests and rules about property ownership means she loses the ability to access said property: you take your room back and all the space and storage for YOUR things that entails.

RedToothBrush · 07/08/2021 10:00

@felulageller

You don't need to feel guilty about her being an only child.
This.

She doesn't have siblings but she gets other benefits from being an only.

Stop seeing being an only as a negative and see how he gives her a whole bunch of things she might not have if she had siblings.

lorca · 07/08/2021 10:00

So basically you can't do anything to change the situation, but you want the situation to change?

You are not willing to take back the master bedroom, or fit storage, or put locks on your stuff, or set boundaries or punishments,but she's a really sweet girl who is also not going to change.....?

Ok then. Nothing will change, until she moves out.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 07/08/2021 10:01

Oh, and by the way, my eldest has many issues too. None would be served by allowing them the mixed message of me vacating my bedroom for them.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 07/08/2021 10:01

Very easily fixed, you just have to enforce it and not moan about it.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 10:01

It's got NOTHING TO DO WITH HER HAVING THE BIG ROOM fgs! Why on earth has everyone got hung up on bedroom size being an indicator of a power struggle?!

PersonaNonGarter · 07/08/2021 10:04

Plenty of us are parents of teenagers @Bryonyshcmyony and helping them go out into the world without entitlement is actually part of our parental responsibility.

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