AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

[iseedeadpeoplehelp]

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

@LouLou198

She is walking all over you!! Reclaim the master bedroom, get a lock on the door. Is their a shower in the en-suite? If so don't let her use it, then your toiletries are safe too if you lock the bedroom door. Keep things like tweezers hidden and tell her to replace he ones she has lost herself. I couldn't cope with this at all!

This ^^

You've given your DD all the wrong messages. That she's the most important one in the family house. Borrowing your clothes that are in the wardrobe is so easy for her.

Whilst she is out, clear all her stuff out of your master bedroom. Put all your toiletries in en-suite. Get a lock fitted to master bedroom. Swop those rooms round. Fgs woman you are bringing up a spoilt entitled selfish teenager. It will only get worse

OK you aren't a parent anymore, you are just a bank to your daughter. You have almost zero parenting skills and backbone.

You gave her the master bedroom with ensuite in a house you pay for? Jesus christ..

You let her take your stuff, lose it, ruin it etc with no consequences. She also gives it away to her friends and uses all of your stuff.

And through all of this, you still haven't figured out how to tell her to stop it.

You either quit feeling sorry for her (so what if she's an only child, it's hardly a bad thing), actually punish her for these things (and that means taking all of her shit from her, grounding her and swapping rooms again), or you roll over and be a mug to a 15 year old, so quit your whining and choose. If you choose to be a mug, quit whining about it, you've chosen to let your daughter become this, it's your fault.

Yes, she’s spoilt and thinks she is at the very centre of the universe. That sets her up for misery in the adult world.

Take back the master bedroom. Set clear expectations and uphold them firmly. You’re a parent not her best friend.

Stop friends coming around until she’s more respectful. What did you say to her and her friend? I hope you gave a very clear message and made them squirm. They sound very young for their ages if they still want to play dressing up in mummies clothes.

I dislike locks in family homes. A real sign of dysfunctional parenting. She needs to understand she may not misuse your possessions and should ask before borrowing.

Things like tweezers are a non event if she replaces them as found, surely? Perhaps you need to think about where the boundaries sit before upholding them.

You also need to think about what message this is giving her for the future, how is she going to treat housemates, partners etc? She needs to understand that she is as important as other people not more important.

By the way, you either properly tell her off, not just a slap on the wrist, or you risk her becoming an actual thief, stealing from shops. Is that what you want? Be a bloody parent, you aren't being horrible to her by working and only having one child.

Shes old enough to be told. "Look, I swapped with you to give you the bigger bedroom as its your space but need to respect my things and not take them. If you can't do that then I'm taking my room back." And then do it. If she takes anything of yours, you remove her from the master room and take it back. Explain clearly to her this isn't an idle threat, you've had enough.

Then put a lock on the door.

She needs to understand other people's boundaries. If she doesn't learn it now, she's going to struggle as an adult.

My 14yo dd borrows my clothes quite a lot BUT she asks first and she knows to treat them with respect, wash them and put them back.

The large gestures such as locks, room changes and grounding her are probably not as important as the day to day reminder of what it means to share a house. So if she is wearing an item of yours and hasn't asked, she must take it off now and get changed. She needs to be responsible for doing laundry too. Clothes do not get chucked on floors. She needs to wash, dry and put away her clothing. Tweezers go missing? She needs to buy some new ones and be responsible for them. You do not replace them. Likewise, you do not buy makeup for her as long as she is helping herself to yours. She needs to learn both how to contribute and how to earn things.

You share a house, she needs to see what that means and play her part.

OP, what is wrong with your dds own belongings that she uses yours? Does she have her own toiletries?

I have 4 dds living at home and it wouldn’t occur to them to wear anything of mine. They all have their own toiletries ( you should see my bathroom), and I have seen them eye up my toiletries but if they wanted to use anything they would ask me first.

Set some boundaries otherwise she will be the girl nobody will want to share with at university.

Oh god, OP.

Take the bedroom back.

She doesn’t sound like a monster. She sounds like a teenager who is using her mum’s things.

Yes, you need to set boundaries. For what it’s worth, my bedroom had a storage cupboard in it when I was younger. It was full of everyone’s things and I hated it. My mum and my brother were constantly in my space and commenting on mess etc. It was presented as a privilege that I had the room but it didn’t feel like it. It felt like they both had their own rooms and a free pass to mine. The worst was when my mum kept wandering in in the morning in a towel and looking for stuff. She used to open up all the curtains and turn lights on so she could see.

Well, that’s your answer, OP. If she can’t respect boundaries, she can move into the small bedroom, so that you can look after your own things.

The bedroom situation is your problem. Not her having the master bedroom as such, but her having all of your clothes in it. She is getting ready and there's wardrobes full of clothes to choose from!

Option one: you turn the spare room (is it currently a study?) Into your locked dressing room.

Option 2: you take back the master bedroom and lock it.

Option 3: you tell her properly and mean it. Does she have an allowance/ pocket money? Do you give her lifts? If so, stop it all until she stops taking your stuff.

Also, you say she has loads of tweezers, but they get lost her in her stuff. Is she very messy? If that's why she nicks your stuff because she can't find her own stuff, that needs dealing with. I'd be really cross about the tweezers, I buy expensive tweezers and I do not want to hunt around for them when I want them. I'd be really fucked off if my kids had been told to leave them alone and ignored me and I couldn't find my tweezers!

Stop buying her everything she needs. It sounds like she needs to tidy up, have a stock take of what she's actually already got and learn to stop taking all your stuff. But all that needs to come from you. She is going to be a nightmare in halls or a house share: you're not doing her any favours long term.

You have indulged her to the point that she's selfish and disrespectful. You must be able to see where this is going wrong. Give her a consequence that's impossible to ignore (remove phone, pocket money, socialising privileges etc) and strongly considering moving bedrooms.

She's not being made to feel special by your considerate treatment, she's feeling like you just don't matter.

Every time she wears your clothes, take a photo. Then a photo if you in the same outfit. Post wherever you can so that her friends see. Captions such as ‘Trendy Twins!’ or ‘Cool Dudes!’ should add to the embarrassment factor

^^ this!

But also yes, it's not just about the clothes or the tweezers, you need to stop letting her run the whole house.

Easy solution. Switch bedrooms back. Lock on your door.

Let her know that it's because she doesn't respect your boundaries.

I think you need to put some clear boundaries in place, her stuff and clothes need to be in her space, your stuff and clothes need to be in your space. No using eachothers stuff or spaces. You're blurring the lines by using her space for your stuff in the first place.

Definitely think switching bedrooms back is the best way to go. Then you can keep your toiletries in the en suit and lock the bedroom door

My pre-teen DDs were constantly borrowing and losing my expensive hairbrush. They are now only allowed to use it in front of my mirror so it doesn't go walkabout. If it does they know they'll need to pay for it (which would be pretty much their entire savings). They'd rather stop brushing their hair

Fuck me. Take back the big room. Lock on door. Job done. Hard lesson for her to learn but needs learnt asap

@iseedeadpeoplehelp your update summed it up nicely.

She sees that you prioritise her above you so she sees no reason not to do the same.

You really need to nip this in the bud-you are doing her no favours by enabling this entitle behaviour.

I absolutely think you need to re-establish healthy boundaries. Take back the Master bedroom.
Then all of your clothes and things aren't in her room.

It also puts the pecking order back to you on top. But you have to believe that you belong there.

Agree having your stuff in her room is blurring boundaries. Sort that situation out.

Slightly different opinion here but my mum let me wear her clothes and use her make up. Different I know as she was happy / I think quite proud that I wanted her stuff as a teenager. She died when I was 21 and so many of her things had such fond memories for me from shared dressing up times. I did try and look after things but if they got spilled on I was often more upset than her and did always apologise profusely.

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

Sadly I think those of you saying that she needs firmer boundaries and has been indulged are right. The guilt of her being an only child and the fact I work long hours has made me feel as if I should prioritise her above myself. Which I suppose is right in many respects.

She also now prioritises her above yourself. She's mimicking you. Work out what she values, and tell her you'll remove it if she keeps using your stuff.

The obvious example is 'the main bedroom, for sleepovers'. If you take that from her because she hasn't been able to bring herself to respect what you ask from her, then the indirect consequence is that you can lock your stuff up.

I would explain this to her in detail, and it's imperative that you follow through.

jesus who's the parent?
first of all..u both need privacy/space..if she cant respect yours u lock your door.
Second-im a single parent to both dd&ds teens&i know my daughter really needed her own decent set up of supplies-tweezers,thatch trimmers,dry shampoo-her particular make-up(v.minimal)&just deo/spray oil/hair dye/sanpro..i bought her these as she has her own en-suite&now shes older& does10 hrs a week she buys her own (but really still expects me to buy her supplies🙄)..she never used my make-up as she is pale&im olive..she wears really dark rocky stuff&i like brights..bit easier for us😉

Just for the record this is the ONLY issue I have with her. She is kind to a fault and has had a LOT of issues. Significant surgery lasting over 8 hours, mental health issues etc. Yes she's a pain and yes I do need to implement boundaries that's clear. What I don't need is a bunch of witches calling her names!
For those of you who have taken the time to respond with balanced advice I thank you.