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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask how to stop DD taking my things?

258 replies

iseedeadpeoplehelp · 07/08/2021 07:38

DD almost 15 takes my stuff on a regular basis. I am 53 and enjoy my clothes/fashion etc. She is the same size as me so my clothes seem to be fair game to her. But she doesn't look after them! She will wear things once and throw it on the floor or play with the dog and get it covered in dog hair.
Then there are things like my shampoo, hair not great so the stuff I get doesn't foam up but when she took it she used half the bottle to get a lather and it was quite expensive. Dry shampoo, deodorant, perfume and replacement items for the make up I use disappears when she finds my stuff.
Most annoying is when she takes my tweezers, I am of an age where I need to remove those blasted chin hairs when I find one not have to hunt around for them!
Yesterday she had a friend over and by the time I got home her friend was also dressed in my clothes!
I am at my wits end. It's not like she needs my stuff, I buy her stuff as soon as she lets me know she needs it, but it makes no difference.
The only time I managed to stop her was when I found her with a pair of stockings she was wearing as 'long socks'. Told her they were for my 'sexy time' and she couldn't get them off quick enough!
Please give me some advice oh wise women of Mumsnet.

OP posts:
MushMonster · 07/08/2021 08:13

I think you are cool enough for her to want to use your stuff!? Shock
Wow, pass some tips this way, because she just likes anything I do not Grin
To be honest, I would love to have that friend/ sister bond with mine one day.
I think you are being unreasonable not to love it!

Of course, on a more serious note, I understand that if she has used something you were planning to wear, it can lead to chaos and the sort. Have you tried for her asking if she can use some of the stuff? Going shopping together, and maybe buying two of the outfit? Use the same brands, and swap around things? I think I would propose to swap some items at the weekend, and then she can use and I would use those. And if she or I want to wear something else, then the rule is not to do so without asking first.

Sally872 · 07/08/2021 08:13

Write a list of rules somewhere really clearly. Do not touch mums clothes, do not use mums shampoo, do not move mums tweezers etc. And a consequence for breaking the rules is taking her phone for 24-48 hours every time. She can't argue she didn't know as written down very clearly.

If that doesn't work swap rooms and a lock on your door.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 08:14

I have a lockable make up case where I keep all my expensive make up and beauty stuff and tweezers. I bought it after dd2 took my brand new chanel primer and left it at a friend's house.

PyjamaFan · 07/08/2021 08:14

I agree with a PP who said that I you don't nip this behaviour in the bud she will go through life behaving like this.

How do you think fellow students or friends in a house share or hall of residence will react to her helping herself to their things?

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 08:15

And shampoo cleanser etc is shared between all four of us, they buy their own specialist stuff (they are late teens)

Elsielouise13 · 07/08/2021 08:16

She has no respect for you. As you say, the wider situation has caused this and unless you are able to change your relationship with her she will continue to see you simply as provider.

You need to sensitively address this with some discussion about consequences followed up with actions she understands.

If you run in all guns blazing this won’t work and she will likely become defensive and confused as it has taken all her life to get to this stage.

Keep it simple, when you buy something tell her what the consequences will be if she touches it. Most importantly, see it through.

And yes, reconsider the bedroom situation but equally you could that as ‘retain the bedroom if….’ Rather than simply removing.

Muggee · 07/08/2021 08:18

Take back the master bedroom and then you can lock it and she won't be able to get to the stuff in your bathroom. Or just lock the other rooms your stuff is in, if you have asked and she carries on then you need to be firm. It's not like she is going without her own stuff from what you've said either.

Chikapu · 07/08/2021 08:18

I would say at this point it's too late, you've let her be the boss of you so she's well, being the boss of you.

MzHz · 07/08/2021 08:18

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

My clothes are in there because I let her have the master bedroom. She is an only child and I knew that she would want sleepovers with friends so it was better as also has an en-suite bathroom. The other bedroom where her clothes has a wardrobe and chest of drawers that just would not fit my things in. We are thinking of putting more storage in the smaller room but can't afford it at the minute.
Sorry, but you’re an idiot for having done this!

You’ve created an entitled monster

Take back the master bedroom, put her in the smaller room and TELL her that your room is off limits and all your possessions too.

This is crazy!

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 08:23

I don't think it's crazy at all. I think it sounds very thoughtful of the OP.

hedgehogger1 · 07/08/2021 08:23

There's no boundaries. Take back the master bedroom and tell her why!

Lovemusic33 · 07/08/2021 08:26

Take the master bedroom back as punishment?

Does she not have her own nice clothes or tweesers?

My teens rarely wear my clothes, why would they want to wear their 40 year old mothers clothes? Dd2 occasionally wears my shoes/trainers but ots not really a issue. They probably have more clothes than I do so I'm more likely to pinch their clothes.

icedcoffees · 07/08/2021 08:30

If your clothes are in her room, are you constantly going in there and invading her privacy?

Kazziek · 07/08/2021 08:31

OP - why do you feel guilty that your DD is an only child? I have 1 child, never crossed my mind to feel guilty about it. This guilt seems to be at the root of you over indulging her, so maybe needs to be worked on.

Bryonyshcmyony · 07/08/2021 08:32

I can see she wants her dd to be able to have friends over easily. I think that's thoughtful, not creating a monster.

54321nought · 07/08/2021 08:33

I don't understand why you are letting a 15 year old behave like this? Where is the parenting and discipline? And take the master bedroom back today

flameycakes · 07/08/2021 08:33

Fine her, make her pay for things she has ruined out of her pocket money. I once fined my son for not tidying his bedroom, it was absolutely horrendous, £50 out of his allowance and I went in and gutted it. Told him I'd do the same every month till he started keeping it tidy. It worked and I gave him the money back eventually.

Amima · 07/08/2021 08:33

Honestly can you not just discipline your child? Remove every single privilege, ground her, stop pocket money, stop treats, remove her phone, take the master bedroom back and put a lock on the door. She’s only doing this because you’re letting her get away with it. As pp said, you’re creating an entitled monster who will be a nightmare for anyone else to deal with.

LouLou198 · 07/08/2021 08:33

She is walking all over you!! Reclaim the master bedroom, get a lock on the door. Is their a shower in the en-suite? If so don't let her use it, then your toiletries are safe too if you lock the bedroom door. Keep things like tweezers hidden and tell her to replace he ones she has lost herself. I couldn't cope with this at all!

BakedBeeeen · 07/08/2021 08:34

@iseedeadpeoplehelp

Sadly I think those of you saying that she needs firmer boundaries and has been indulged are right. The guilt of her being an only child and the fact I work long hours has made me feel as if I should prioritise her above myself. Which I suppose is right in many respects.
So prioritise her by teaching her about boundaries... this is a good opportunity for her to learn about being considerate and thoughtful. To me, letting her get away with this thoughtless behaviour is not doing her any favours. Obviously she is not going to like it, she’s a teenager! Grin
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 07/08/2021 08:35

Tell her she packs it in right now or she loses the master bedroom. And MEAN it!

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/08/2021 08:36

Honestly, I'd be swapping rooms back and putting a lock on the door. The are boundaries being crossed here that will lead to even bigger problems if not addressed.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 07/08/2021 08:37

You're not being mean or in any way unreasonable to create boundaries and consequences, it's the hard graft of parenting.

You have nothing to feel guilty for with regard to her being an only child and you being a working parent. Sheesh, she is highly privileged. And the more boundaried and respectful she becomes, the better her life will be - and yours!

converseandjeans · 07/08/2021 08:43

Take back the master bedroom & get a lock for your wardrobe.

You need to find a way to take control back as she's currently boss.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 07/08/2021 08:44

There must be times when she’s out of the house and you’re at home. Take everything back then, or change rooms, or get a lock or more storage p. There are things to be done and just because she’s an only child, doesn’t mean that she is allowed to be utterly selfish. Apart from anything else, if it carries on, she will be an entitled adult.

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