To leave dd to cry?

[Lavendarsaturation]

I’m really struggling with dd, 5, at bedtime.
She doesnt ever want to sleep until really late, her pattern naturally would be 10.30pm - 8.30am and in the holidays she sometimes slips to 11pm to 9am.
I’ve started waking her up at 7am in the hope she will go off earlier. She is really busy in the day but she just never stops.
It’s taking me two to three hours every evening to get her to bed. I’m a single mum and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t have any break ever.
She was up at 7am today and has been out all day. I took her up at 7.30 and she is still wide awake but screams if I leave the room saying she is scared. I am having to take calming breaths because I’m really close to losing it. I have another older dc who spends the evening sat on their own.
It’s making me feel a huge amount of resentment towards dd. I have tried:
Talking to her about it
Special worry eater toy
Special soft light
White noise
Stories
Gentle music
Total silence
Darkness
Lavender spray
Warm bath

NOTHING makes any difference at all. I feel like 2-3 hours a night is crazy and frankly it is ruining my life. I know that sounds over the top but I’m tired! I get to 8pm and I think most children her age would just go to sleep, especially as she is really busy most days. I resent my whole evening being eaten up by sitting next to her waiting for her to go to sleep.
AIBU to now just leave her to cry?

Yanbu.

Get a monitor so you can check she's safe, and then do not enter that room.

I put a stair gate on my toddlers room so I knew she couldn't wander around upstairs.

I mean she is five and a half.

Would the pretend retreat work. So settle her as normal but 'I've got to just empty the washing machine I will be back in two minutes' and leave her for 5 minutes but come back. And keep finding little reasons to go until you're leaving her longer and longer and she falls asleep on her own?

She just screams as soon as I leave.
She is now howling. I have returned her to bed 12 times already. Including prising her off the bannisters. She is heavy so this is tricky.
I haven’t long split from her dad and I’m inclined to be indulgent but then I think it’ll fall into this pattern forever and she’s never been brilliant. Also he’s not had them at all since we split so I am into three weeks of no break at all.

Tougher tone op. No props.

I don't tend to like these techniques but can you wrap up a present you know she wants and either show her the wrapped up box or leave it unwrapped on a high shelf. Tell her if she sleeps nicely for 3 nights in a row she gets it and if she starts going backwards it gets taken away?

I don't think I would straight away leave her to cry, but I would absolutely find and persevere with some kind of regime to ensure that an end was put to spending ever more ridiculous amounts of time on this.

Your 5 yo doesn't get to dictate staying up til 10.30 pm!!

I don’t know what else to do apart from leave to cry, go back, leave her to cry, go back, leave her to cry etc

You can leave it increasing lengths of time before going back in to her.
When you do, no talking, no telling off, just take her back to her bed and leave.

Personally I wouldn't, if there's been a recent family break up she will just be feeling insecure.

Personally I would just sit with her while she drops off. You might have to invest a few nights in getting her sleep cycle sorted but after that it shouldn't take too long. No chat, not fun, just sit there (reading mn!) for twenty mins while she drops off.

Then when she is more settled I'd do a reward chart for letting you leave the room, but there's not point when she is really stressed about it.

Have a bath. Lock the door. Tell her you will check on her when you get out but she needs to stay in bed. Tell her the ndn can hear and it isn't fair.
Our ndn complained about feet on stairs when we moved. Hasn't realised the noise!! Bet yours are pissed off. Dd needs to know she is making too much noise.. She isn't a toddler.

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time OP, I can't imagine how exhausting it is. I think you have no choice but to explain that when you leave the room, you are not coming back in again. You will have to let her cry, she knows you always come when she does this. Can she read some books if she's not tired? We used an app called Moshi, it really helped our dd relax and fall asleep..

No, if I stay with her she chats. I’ve been staying with her and it’s been taking me two hours plus to get her to sleep.
Before the break up she was like it some of the time - although granted she is worse now - but I think that’s because she is now used to me staying with her.
Frankly I am going to lose my mind. I’m up at 6am, I work some of the days, no one will babysit her in the evening for me because she won’t sleep and my other dc is sat on their own all night.
If it were a case that I sat with her and she went to sleep in half an hour I’d do it but she doesn’t. She’s awake for hours.

I think consistency is the key, rather than the nuts and bolts of it.
The main thing is not to unwittingly reward the behaviour.

It makes me so frustrated because if she’s not asleep until 10.30-11pm then I’ve got absolutely no time. The house is a tip. Dc1 isn’t getting any time.
And then she’s tired all the following day too.

Agree you will sit in the doorway if you must. Back to her and no chatting at all. You are rewarding her behaviour with cosy chats!!

It’s not the right time. I get that you will need to do something but not this close to a family break up. You don’t want the association of Daddy leaving and being left to cry.

Oh love. I absolutely get it.

See at the minute when she chats - do you respond or ignore? How lonh since the split?

But she’s awake until 10.30pm plus?? I can’t cope. I actually cannot cope.
Where is the time for me to do anything, even phone my mum or a friend or see dc1 for a bit.
I’m strung out.

I would cuddle her and totally ignore her - and get VERY cross when she keeps on - for three nights. Then chair outside her door and totally ignore her again. Calmly and nicely but very firmly say ‘NO Xxxx - sleep time now’. It seems harsh but trust me, dont do what I did and make a rod for your own back. The housework will slip, you’ll have no time…

I feel guilty enough about her dad, I really do.

So when does the guilty feeling end?
Is there a time when you feel ok ish about splitting with her dad, and then expect to be able to undo all this chaos?

That’s the problem.
If I start this now- dd is a creature of habit and she will quickly get used to it.
She is also very stubborn. She also likes her own way.

Sorry, that wasn't meant to be harsh.
I just meant that it will be harder to undo, the longer it continues.