To leave dd to cry?

[Lavendarsaturation]

I’m really struggling with dd, 5, at bedtime.
She doesnt ever want to sleep until really late, her pattern naturally would be 10.30pm - 8.30am and in the holidays she sometimes slips to 11pm to 9am.
I’ve started waking her up at 7am in the hope she will go off earlier. She is really busy in the day but she just never stops.
It’s taking me two to three hours every evening to get her to bed. I’m a single mum and it’s driving me crazy. I don’t have any break ever.
She was up at 7am today and has been out all day. I took her up at 7.30 and she is still wide awake but screams if I leave the room saying she is scared. I am having to take calming breaths because I’m really close to losing it. I have another older dc who spends the evening sat on their own.
It’s making me feel a huge amount of resentment towards dd. I have tried:
Talking to her about it
Special worry eater toy
Special soft light
White noise
Stories
Gentle music
Total silence
Darkness
Lavender spray
Warm bath

NOTHING makes any difference at all. I feel like 2-3 hours a night is crazy and frankly it is ruining my life. I know that sounds over the top but I’m tired! I get to 8pm and I think most children her age would just go to sleep, especially as she is really busy most days. I resent my whole evening being eaten up by sitting next to her waiting for her to go to sleep.
AIBU to now just leave her to cry?

Im on several different parenting sites and i cant believe some of the comments on here.
Your dd is 5 and her life has been altered because of the separation of mum and dad. She is quite understandably struggling. Lots of children regress in behaviour/emotions and she will be needing lots of reassurance that you will be there (dad isnt, maybe mam might go ) and im not talking about simply telling her. She needs to feel safe and trust those around her.
I totally get how hard it is with another child who has got be left on their own while you deal with 5yr old.
You can still be firm with boundaries without being 'soft' 'over lenient' etc.
Plus some kids are just night owls - our ds could go tobed at 7/8/9 but not fall asleep til 11, and i would often have to be there.
I suggest you look at some ideas from therapuetic parenting sites which support both the child and parent. Simply 'laying down the law' because 'shes 5 and is NOT the adult/in charge' responses on here are NOT going to help!

Soooo tonight - weighted blanket and sticker chart. Asleep at 8.55pm!
Might be a one off but I was pretty delighted!
Thanks for all the advice. Everyone keep your fingers crossed that the worst is over now!

Excellent news. Fingers crossed that a corner has been turned. Enjoy!

Glad that worked for you.

In terms of getting stuff done - could you let her watch tv for an hour after dinner and do chores, phone calls, chilling, one on one time with other DC then?

That way however long she takes to sleep you've had a chance to do those things.

Well done OP! Really talk up those stickers- make them the MOST appealing thing in the world. I know it’s a bit old fashioned now, and we’re supposed not to bribe, but it really does work.

I'm glad last night went well I hope the things you've started will help long term, but just to say 9hrs of sleep isn't actually unusual for a five year old. 10-13hrs is typical but anything over 8hrs (and up to 14hrs) is still quite normal, there's a huge amount of variation. Our four year old "only" does 10hrs but again that is well within the bounds of normal.

It certainly sounds like the recent upswing in being unable to settle is related to the split (which is not your fault at all, it's just a likely cause of her extra unsettledness - we'll done to you for getting yourself and them out!), if you find what you've started doesn't help then would you consider having her sleep in your bed for a while? That often helps children after big changes in the family, periods of illness, bereavements etc. You might find the Facebook group The Beyond Sleep Training Project helpful but all of their suggestions will be on the gentle end of the spectrum.

Yay! Hope the sticker chart works, kids loooooooooove stickers

Can she go to sleep in your bed? with the tv on or something? I know not ideal but maybe a comfort
i haven't read all of this so don't know if its been mentioned or not
sorry you are all going through this
I had it with my first when our relationship broke down and i moved out with my daughter nearly 17 years ago

i haven't read all of this so don't know if its been mentioned or not

There was over 150 posts.

Great to hear you got a more reasonable bedtime and some much needed time to yourself! How's it been since?

We had this with DD from about 2yo until 5 months ago. She would also come into our bed during the night, every night. She’s 8 now. She would insist on my sitting next to the bed and having one hand on her back so could could feel I was there until she was asleep. Last year we brought her a cabin bed when we decorated her bedroom with the understanding I wouldn’t be able to stand there for 2 hours EVERY NIGHT. She was fine but I had to be visible in the room. We then went with me sitting on my bed in the next room for a few months with her shouting to be every few minutes to check I was still there. In April this year it was like a switch flicked! She started staying in her own bed first all night as she was sick of me and her dad disturbing her sleep 😒 Then one night she just trotted off to bed by herself. We let her have 30-45 min iPad then I check her, take the iPad away and give her a drink and she goes to sleep usually by 9pm!! 😁 We do have the occasional blip if she can’t sleep (was up until midnight last week for some reason).

It’s so hard but perseverance is key and stick to your guns. If you tell her you’re going to do something, stick with it but do a little at a time. It will come! Best of luck x

@twinkie100

We went through this stage with our eldest when he was 3. It could take HOURS (2-3 every night) and he would get so cross and have never ending energy. It was completely exhausting, and you have all my sympathy.

I came to say that we found something that worked for us! It was a super nanny technique (don't judge me, I was willing to try anything).

You say goodnight once with all the love and care, books, songs kisses etc. And then leave the room.

The first time they come out the room, you say super kindly but also firmly 'night night, mummy expects you to go to sleep now' and tuck back in with a kiss etc.

Every single time after that you say NOTHING. Not a word - no bargaining, pleading, no discussion, no 'one last snack/cuddle/story' and just take the child back to bed. They get frustrated that there's no reaction but it was amazing.

The first night or two I honestly must have taken him in 25 times. The next nights less, and by about night 5 we were down to 2/3 and asleep by 8. It was LIFE-CHANGING.

When we embarked on it we made a commitment we would do it for two weeks. I think we explained it to him before hand... and just stuck to it. It was all sorted within a week.

Anyway you might have already tried this but wanted to share as it really helped us. Good luck!

This is a good strategy. I know a couple of people who have done this